All It Takes Is A Little Love

A few years ago I created a list of my favorite movies. In retrospect I see that so many of them had been written or produced by Rob Reiner, a truly brilliant and remarkable filmmaker. His movies ran the gamut of genre but they all seemed to have a common theme that celebrated the honor and goodness of people. From them I understood that Rob Reiner was a kind man who liked to laugh and celebrate the best of humanity with stories that tug at the heart. 

Rob Reiner was only a year older than I am so I suppose that in many ways we were influenced by some of the same events as we were growing up. He was the son of Carl Reiner who literally blazed the trail of comedy in television during the early years. He too was a genius who brought so much joy into homes in the fifties and sixties. Then came All in the Family where Rob Reiner played the part of an idealistic and progressive Baby Boomer married to the daughter of the outrageously conservative and prejudiced Archie Bunker. 

I don’t think I ever missed an episode of All in the Family and I certainly identified with Rob’s character known as “Meathead,” an insult constantly launched at him by his father-in-law who struggled to understand the progressive changes happening in his once comfortable and familiar world. The challenge of a future world in which we all strove to understand each other from “Meathead” versus the old prejudices of Archie kept us thinking and laughing because the plots were so real. 

Rob went on to become one of the best filmmakers in Hollywood and along the way he demonstrated a loving understanding of the human condition. His characters were so memorable that they still ring true decades later. My granddaughter loves When Harry Met Sally as much as I did when it premiered decades ago. The classic The Princess Bride is as enduring as ever and watching it over and over never grows old. The Shawshank Redemption is a character study that remains real even as the years go. 

I could go on and on and on about Rob Reiner’s incredible career but in the end I began to know him for his love of our country and his hopefulness that we would learn to respect one another and to protect freedoms no matter whether or not we agreed with our fellow Americans. He was a true American patriot who was always willing to call out those who would use their fears and prejudices to harm people who appeared to be different. 

I struggled to understand how to use Twitter in the beginning but with some determination I became rather adept and even learned which people I wanted to follow. Rob Reiner quickly became one of those individuals. I appreciated his honesty and dedication to our nation. 

There came a time when he tweeted memories of his father. I responded that I had enjoyed the humor of his father while sitting next to my father at the age of six while he roared with delight as he watched his favorite comedians on our television. In those early days the programming was so new and innovative and Rob’s dad was at the center of so much of it. I mentioned to Rob that my father died when I was eight but that all these many years later I still remember the joy he had in watching the shows that his father created. I have a vision of him laughing so hard that his belly jiggled.

To my surprise Rob took the time to quickly respond to my post and for a brief moment we went back and forth describing our fathers and how much we loved them. After that I saw that he had chosen to follow me and now and again he would pop onto my tweets and encourage me to keep my thoughts coming. 

I was greatly saddened by the murder of Rob Reiner and his wife. It was doubly horrific because it appears that his son was the one who killed his parents. I learned that the son had struggled with drug addiction for years and that Rob had encouraged him to tell his story in a movie that he helped to produce. He believed that the film might help others who were enduring the tragedy of a family in chaos over addiction. It was so like Rob to be honest and to hope that in the telling of the story perhaps both his son and other sons and daughters might find ways to overcome the horror of such situations. 

It was a dark Monday for me and so many across the globe. We had learned of the shooting at Brown University and the murders at a Jewish celebration in Australia. At the same time I was watching my ninety six year old father fight for life after being seriously injured in a fall. It was so much sadness to bear and yet Rob Reiner has left us all a legacy of films that suggest that even in the darkest moments there is hope in the innate goodness of the vast majority of people who travel through life in this world. 

We have endured great loss in only a matter of days but Rob Reiner would remind us that if we look to our better natures we have the chance to turn things around. He was sure that in every tragedy there will always be a few good men or women to keep us aright. 

Thank you, Rob Reiner, for the gift to the world you have been. May your memory be a blessing! 

This past weekend was difficult for me. There was yet another shooting incident that took place at Brown University and once again I was terrified for a family member who is a student there. My niece has long dreamed of studying at Brown and with her hard work she was accepted and began her studies at the school this year. She was already blooming in the environment and studying for her exams to finish the semester. She was only days away from completing her coursework and coming home for a time to be with family for Christmas. The joy and accomplishment that she had been enjoying was threatened on Saturday when she had to lock herself in her dorm room while law enforcement swarmed the campus in search of the shooter who killed two students and sent eight to the hospital. 

While I felt a small sense of relief in knowing that my niece was safe I worried about how frightening this must have been for her and all of the other students and teachers at the school. There is trauma for everyone in such a situation and sometimes that fear lingers for a very long time. The fact that the shooter has not yet been found only complicates that feelings that everyone might have. The worry and concern radiates out far beyond the campus as we attempt to make sense of the senseless.

It is said that more and more people have been personally affected by either being part of a shooting event or knowing someone who was present in such a tragedy. Sadly there are even those who have endured this kind of experience more than once. In my own case I know family members and former students who have had to hunker down and hide from a madman intent on taking lives. The incidents have happened at schools, concerts and even bowling alleys. Sometimes the shooter is taken down immediately and in others it takes days before he is finally found. The anxiety of being even remotely close to a shooting takes its toll on the innocents.

I have grieved all weekend not just for those who were killed or those who locked themselves in places that they hoped would be safe, but for our entire nation. What I know as an educator and a mother is that when the same horrid behaviors happen and again and again it is time to change the way we are reacting to them. Not all the locks and special windows and gun toting in the world has stopped this horrific trend of mass violence. We say we are working on mental health but the evidence seems to be that we have failed in that regard. 

We are a nation of guns and great anxieties. We are so busy accusing each other of being the problem that we do not dare to find solutions that may be expensive and require massive change in our habits. A shooting happens and gun stores sell more arms and ammunition. We install bigger and better locks and hire law officers to walk through the hallways and streets but the shooting continues. We put bandaids on those who are mentally broken and stare in a state of shock when such individuals carry out their violence. We talk and offer prayers, which surely are needed, but rarely follow up with measures that may actually work. With each passing day the likelihood of yet another tragedy seems to grow. No matter how we much hide behind locked doors with an arsenal of arms we are not stemming the tide of violence that keeps washing over our nation. Instead we bicker and turn our backs on anyone who comes up with an idea that might inconvenience us. 

I have heard about the lasting terror that lives in the heart of one of my former students. She laid in pools of blood while an assassin killed people around her who had come to enjoy a concert. I have heard the agony of parents whose little ones were killed on the last day of school in Uvalde. I often think of the young man who became a voice for change after other students that he knew were killed at Parkland High School. I know what a sleepless night is like from worrying about my granddaughter who was locked down at Bowdoin College while a madman was on the loose a couple of years ago. Now I once again have the sickening feeling of worry about who will be next and when my own turn might come without warning. 

There have been seventy five school shooting in this year alone. We have almost become numb to the incidents and treat them as though they are simply a part of life. We get through the latest happening and move on until the next. Sometimes we barely acknowledge the violence or even make a joke of it when an elderly man is attacked by a man wielding a hammer. We are becoming more and more immune to the idea of reacting. We say a few prayers and hope that we will never be personally affected. 

I honestly do not know if we will ever come together in a real effort to stop the violence. We might begin by insisting that those who lead us quit fomenting our divisions. We need to focus on the real dangers rather than those that make us believe that certain groups are universally bad. We need to spend the national treasure on this very real problem rather than building ballrooms and terrorizing mostly innocent people who came here searching for better lives. We should stop the furor over the tiny minority of trans people who are not hurting anyone. There are real issues that we are avoiding with an unnecessary culture war. We will not improve the situation by forcing everyone to have the same beliefs whether they be religious or political.

When we embrace the true message of Christmas we understand that it is up to all of us to work together and strive for harmony by truly listening and understanding each other. At the end of the day we all want to feel safe and free and loved. We are at our best when we work together and are willing to invest in keeping everyone safe. Each human is a child of God. This should be our truth. Empathy does exist and if we use it we will learn to tackle the real problems with a spirit of community. When we make life better for everyone it is less likely that anxieties will make someone so sick that he or she feels compelled to take anger out on innocent souls. Our cry should not be fight, fight, fight but love, love, love!

I once had a teacher who was devoted to her occupation but believed that being fiercely strict was the only way to keep order in the classroom. Her rules were firmly entrenched and she gave no thought to situations that should have required exceptions. She truly seemed to believe that her ways of doing things were fair and justified but those of us in her care learned to fear her more than admire her. It was a long difficult year in her classroom where cruelty reared its ugly head over and over again.

I understand that some people actually crave order and design in their lives. They see toughness as a kind of mechanism for safety and assurance that no one group or person gets special treatment. They set out rules that are hard and fast based on their on beliefs about what should be allowed and what should be punished. They use those guidelines for judging behaviors that seem out of line with the norm. They quickly go after the people in their midst that they do not understand without any attempt to accept that there are many different ways of living. They believe that they have found the key to a good life and insist that everyone follow their dictums. They have little patience for deviance from their personal norms and even seem to believe that they are actually doing everyone a favor by showing them what is the best way to live together in harmony. 

Sadly such rigidity inevitably borders on cruelty. It becomes the avenue for taking the children of Native Americans from their families in attempts to turn the little ones into “white men and women.” It justifies enslaving people from other cultures while believing that doing so actually makes their lives better than they may otherwise have been. It ends with whole groups being held in detention centers out of fears that they may be enemies of the state. It demonizes members of the LGBTQ community insisting that they are broken individuals. It is all too often based on fears of anyone or any group that is different and focuses on an unwarranted need to keep them at bay.

Many people voted for Donald Trump because they believed that he is a tough guy who would protect them from whatever boogeymen that they feared. He has been a man of his word in going after entire groups that he and his voters think are creating major problems for our nation. In the process he has created a kind of pecking order of classification that is dangerously cruel and prone to fomenting unjustified fear for Americans who are thought to be too different from the rest of us to earn a place in our midst. 

Cruelty motivates references to every person from Somalia as “garbage.” Immigrants from third world countries are universally ruled as drains on society. People are viewed not as individuals but as problems as a group. Women are called piggies and insulted for daring to boldly ask questions. Trans people are denied the right to be who they are and made to be monsters among us. People on boats are being blown out of the water and killed without due process to determine if they are truly drug dealers attempting to bring dangerous substances into our country. Often theses kinds of injustices are being bolstered by tying them to religious beliefs that have literally perverted the words and teachings of Jesus. 

The dangers of such racist, sexist and sordid thinking are affecting far too many souls who are now living daily in fear. Their rights as humans are being violated by Trump and his lackeys with total disregard for the worth of every person regardless of where they were born and how they look. The growing cruelty is alarming, particularly when our president stays awake at night posting ugly screeds about those that he hopes to punish. 

We have reached a tipping point, a watershed moment. If we do not condemn the cruelty that we are witnessing loudly and continually then we become complicit in the destruction that it is creating. It is all too easy to just sit back and assert that none of what is happening has anything to do with our own lives. In my own case it would be so much more comfortable to just be thankful that I have not been personally affected by the ugliness and probably never will be. In spite of being part of the favored group I know that I cannot just sit passively saying nothing when a fellow human is suffering anywhere. 

It is long past time for each of us to protect and defend the people whose lives are being so brutally attacked by our president and his cabinet of fools. We are not school children subject to the ugly whims of an unkind teacher. We cannot sit silently when we see cruel attacks on anyone. Some have already marched. Some have written to their Congresspersons. Some have voted against the current regime. There is still so much more to be done. Our voices must drown the ugliness and put a stop to the cruelty. Together we can do it. 

It is the season in which so many religions remind us of our responsibilities to all of humanity. Love in not cruel. Love is kind. Now is a wonderful time to join those who are already doing all that they can to set things right. Truly being tough means respecting everyone and stopping the bullies from hurting others. I think that Jesus showed us again and again that love, not hate, makes a better world for us all. 

Aging gracefully is difficult for people like myself who have always prided themselves in being dynamos of energy. I worked twelve hour days for decades and still kept a spotless home without a maid or any outside assistance. I was able to get by with only a few hours of sleep and still be as sharp as a tack and as eager to do whatever work was in store for the day without making a dent in my abilities to run like a gazelle. I took pride in taking care of people without feeling overwhelmed so now that I am in the later years of my seventieth decade I am disturbed by the reality that I am slowing down. 

I still teach two days a week, write my blogs and keep my home in tip top condition but I do all of it more slowly than I once did. I can scrub the floor in my bathroom and make my sinks glow like they are brand new but that is when I have to rest almost as long as I was laboring before I can move on to the next task. My locomotion is inhibited by arthritic knees and hips that scream at me if I push them for too long. My pace includes a decided limp that causes my smartwatch to warn me that I need to check with a doctor about what to do the fix the problem. 

I’m scheduled for knee replacement on my worst leg in early February and I am already concerned about how long the doctor says it may take for full recovery. It galls me to consider moving around with a walker and then a cane but I will have to adjust to that reality. I have always thought of myself as being tough and admitting that I may finally have a bit of weakness is incredibly difficult for me. I understand that I need to adjust my attitude and learn to live graciously with the new lifestyle that is certainly coming my way. 

Up until recently I was taking care of my ninety six year old father-in-law and worrying about my younger brothers who have had a series of medical set backs. I saw myself as the stalwart who would be able to weather any disastrous situations with those that I love. I spent a summer accompanying my husband to his cancer treatments where I met some wonderful people while I waited while he was getting radiation. I was shocked one day when a nice man urged me to learn how to take care of myself as well. He had noted my limp and had seen me wearing sunglasses after surgery on my eyes. He realized that I was trying to be a soldier about it all and he noted that if I really wanted to be helpful to everyone else I needed to learn how to be accepting to the idea of selfceare. 

I’ve been thinking about that conversation after getting a phone call indicating that my father-in-law had fallen in the residence where he had moved. My first reaction was relief that he was no longer going up and down the stairs in our home to exercise on the treadmill. He and I had been conflicted over that with him insisting that the exercise was good for him and that he was steady on his feet. Sadly my next reaction to his fall was to feel guilty that he was not with us. Then someone mentioned that he probably got the care that he needs much more quickly from the trained staff who answered his call for help immediately and sent him for tests to determine what kind of damage may have been done. 

I suppose that I have been a bit self centered in thinking that I can do everything I did when I was thirty years old. My daughters and even many of my friends have been chiding me for climbing in and out of my attic and balancing on ladders. I am after all seventy seven years old and by any standard that is the mark of an older person. I have probably been putting myself at risk and worrying my children and grandchildren just as I have been worrying over my father-in-law. While I chide him for doing dangerous things I neglect to include myself in taking more precautions than I once did. 

I watch my peers bowing to certain aspects of aging. They do what they can but gracefully accept what they cannot. While I talk a good talk I still take risks that I should no doubt turn over to professionals or at least to my younger relatives. I should be okay with the idea that I don’t have to decorate my entire home inside and out in the space of a few hours. I don’t have to create exotic multi-course meals for Christmas Day. I don’t have to walk five miles before resting. 

I say the good things about having some common sense but then I sneak around like a teenager trying to recreate my days of unbounded energy. Then I fall into bed aching all over because I have been too filled with pride to act my age. I suppose that as the new year approaches perhaps I will once and for all practice what I preach to everyone else and admit to my changing status with grace. This may be the most important resolution that I have ever made. 

As my mother grew older she became so sentimental that her thoughts often brought tears to her eyes. She would think about her mother and suddenly she was crying, not in a sad way but in delightful remembrance of her relationship with her mom. She would speak of my father and her voice would begin to break. She watched Kermit the Frog singing Rainbow Connection and her eyes filled with the moist reaction that the song always gave her. 

I have tended to be stoic. While she wept with either joy or sorrow, I maintained my composure. I sometimes wondered if I would be able to brush my emotions aside if I allowed them to run free. I was the one with dry eyes at a funeral who then went home and cried for hours. While I sensed that my way of reacting to both good and bad things was not mentally healthy, I maintained my brave front by telling myself that nobody wanted to see someone fall apart. 

As I have aged I have changed, not just in appearance but it the ways that I handle my emotions. For the most part I no longer worry about either aspect of my being. I let my hair fly away and meet the public sans makeup. So too do I let my feelings express themselves as fully as they need to do. I find myself shedding tears during movies, while reading books and articles, and in front of others. I tell people that in my senior years I have become my mother and it actually feels so freeing. 

When I was decorating my Christmas tree this year my tear ducts were cleansed over and over again as I recounted the stories that each cherished bauble brought to mind. There were the Santa and Mrs Santa ornaments that my friend, Pat, bought for me at a quilt show long ago. There was the homemade ornament made from a Christmas card that featured a photo of my friend Linda’s two sons, Scott and Brian. There was the concrete orb that my son-law created in an engineering class act the University of Texas. There was the memento of our dog Red that my youngest daughter Catherine made when she was just a child. Ornaments that Marita brought to us from her vacation trips around the world made me sniffle as I thought of how much I miss sharing holidays with her. A host of Santas and silver bells from Cappy filled the barren limbs of the tree lighting up the branches with each one that I placed gently on display. 

As Christmas music played and I remembered all the Christmases past and the joys that they had brought me I felt the wonder of having an incredible life in spite of roadblocks and tragedies along the way. Each token was assigned to a person or event that was so delightful. I remembered reading the Harry Potter books and then donning decorations of Harry, Hermione and Hagrid on my tree. I smiled at the images of my friend Lisa’s two sons and those my grandchildren when they were just children. I laughed at my sparkling image of Bernie Sanders sitting with his hands encased in mittens with a mask on his face during the inauguration of Joe Biden. I recalled the fun we had at Christmas time when we visited Disney World and I purchased a set of Cinderella trinkets that have graced my tree ever since. I thought of one of the best Christmases ever when we travelled to Austria with Monica and Franz and they introduced me to the annual snowflake ornaments from Swarovski. Nothing anywhere on the tree did not evoke a momentary response that surfaced in the tear ducts of my eyes. 

It took me a long time to accept the moments when I lose my composure and bow to the demands of my feelings. I don’t linger in the sentimentality for too long but I always feel real when I do. For me the lighting of the Christmas tree is symbolic of my many years on this earth and the people and places and events that I have enjoyed. I would not trade the variety of it for anything. It provides an annual day of remembrance to me that is priceless. 

I know that times change and life moves forward. I have had to accept the inevitability of losing friends and family members over and over again. I’m trying to make the most of each day that remains for me with grace and love and even forgiveness for angry words. I like that I have finally become my mother.