Eight years ago when Hillary Clinton suspended her campaign for the presidency I was quite sad. Yesterday when she became the presumptive nominee of the Democratic party I was also quite sad. In the last eight years Ms. Clinton has been a grave disappointment to me and decisions that she has made along with a tendency to stretch the truth have caused me to question her ability to hold the highest office in the land. Sadly I have nowhere else to turn because in the grand scheme of things she appears to be the lesser of two evils. I find myself realizing that for the first time since I became eligible to vote I will have to swallow a bitter pill because I have sworn that I will never support Donald Trump but I have very serious questions about Hillary Clinton.

Let us go back in time a bit. I always felt uncomfortable when then First Lady Clinton defended her husband’s womanizing by detracting his accusers. When it became an indisputable fact that President Clinton had engaged in sexual activities with a White House intern, Monica Lewinsky, I was sickened by the parsing of words from both the President’s and the First Lady. Even worse were the attacks on Ms. Lewinsky character made by none other than Hillary Clinton. It was a disgusting situation and I so wanted Ms. Clinton to toss her husband out of her life in righteous indignation but that was not to be. Instead in a very public display of forgiveness Ms. Clinton indicated that she had prayed on the matter and decided not to end what had been a great partnership.

I was able to eventually overlook what I thought to be a horrible mistake by Ms. Clinton. My mother had wisely advised me that I did not know the full story of the Clintons’ relationship with one another. I read Hillary’s autobiography in which she explained her thinking on the matter and found that I was ready to accept her decision to keep the fires burning with Bill. I became a fan again and when she began her campaign for the nomination in 2008 I was one of her most fervent supporters. Thus it was incredibly disappointing when she lost the nomination to Barack Obama who I believed was terribly inexperienced compared to her.

I was happy for her when she became the Secretary of State. It seemed a just reward for a woman who had worked so hard only to be denied the one prize that she most coveted. I felt that she was more than ready for the task but that was before her reset with Russia, the fiasco in Benghazi and the terrible feeling that she was covering up mistakes with lies. She began to appear tone deaf and resembled a teenager sneaking around with a terrible secret. I started to question her talents and it was disappointing. The events in Benghazi were horrific but I still would have forgiven her had she not so blatantly attempted to use a nonexistent riot over a video as the reason for what happened. I hoped and prayed that she would eventually admit her transgressions but she instead seemed to pile one little white lie on top of another.

Next came the concern over her use of a private email server. I don’t believe that any of her activities were illegal but I certainly question her judgement. Even as a minor school administrator I understood the issues of privacy and confidentiality associated with documents and emails. I was a stickler for handling things properly. I would never have considered putting my business dealings in the hands of a private company housing a server in an unsecured location. I realized the need for security without being told. It was a matter of common sense.

It frightens me to think of how cavalierly Ms. Clinton has reacted to her role in putting our nation at risk. I wonder why and how she so underestimated the atmosphere in Benghazi that she allowed Americans to be under siege for thirteen hours before help finally arrived. I wonder how she dared to shift the blame to a video rather than accepting that maybe she had missed signals that she should have seen. I wonder what other secrets she may be hiding and my thoughts worry me.

Still the alternative to voting for Hillary Clinton would be to support Donald Trump and there is no way on earth I will ever be able to stomach such a decision. I’ve made it abundantly clear in previous posts why I believe that he is a dangerous man who would bring great harm to our country and its people. So here I am realizing that my worst fears have come to pass and I have to decide whether to vote for a woman who seems dishonest and a bit incompetent or to just sit out the election and run the risk of putting a real maniac in the White House. I wonder if the Founding Fathers ever thought that their dream would come to this?

If these were calmer times I wouldn’t be so worried. Instead the world is on fire and more than ever before we need to have a person of great integrity and wisdom at the helm, someone who will not encourage us to divide ourselves into battling tribes. I wonder what we will have to endure as a nation before we once again find an individual who will work for all of the people with honor and respect. I genuinely fret about our country and even dream of some miracle occurring that will save us from this horrible dilemma. In the end I expect that I will swallow the bitter pill and cast my lots with Hillary Clinton but I will not share the enthusiasm over the historic nature of my vote as so many others seem so anxious to do.

I believe that there are many women who might have been or would be great leaders. I am still disappointed that Barbara Jordan’s health problems took her from the political arena. I think that she would have been a remarkable President. Eleanor Roosevelt might have been even more inspirational than her husband had she been given the opportunity to be at the head of the United States. I greatly admire Condoleezza Rice and I’m a fan of Nikki Haley. For that matter why not run someone like Cokie Roberts or Donna Brazile?  Elizabeth Warren seems to have much more going for her than either of the candidates whose names will be on the ballot in November. I have to wonder what has led us to this disappointing end.

I actually stay awake at night worrying about the future, not so much for me but for my children and grandchildren. I have few personal or political needs anymore. I pray that my pension will stay solvent and I’d love to have dental insurance and a way to get glasses and hearing aides without breaking my bank account. Beyond that I worry that we fight too much rather than attempting to solve problems. Perhaps it is the media that has put us in this position. Perhaps we have done it to ourselves.

This week Paul Ryan and a large group of Congressmen from both the Republican and Democratic parties attempted to unveil a concrete plan designed to make inroads into the problems of poverty and economic uncertainty in this country. Instead of giving these individuals the opportunity to showcase their important work at a press conference, all of the questions centered on what Speaker Ryan thought of Donald Trump. In an interview with Mitch McConnell in which he was attempting to speak about his memoir again every single question was about Donald Trump. I believe that the obsession with this man is steering our attention away from important work that needs to be done regardless of who ends up in the White House. As citizens we need to demand better from the journalists who bring us our news. It’s time that we turn off the noise and learn how to think for ourselves once again. Until we do there will be many more years of having to choose between the lesser of two evils. Frankly I want more for our country than that.