Month: September 2022

There was a time when spontaneity was my middle name. I reacted rather than planned. I vividly remember taking a trip to Colorado on the spur of the moment one summer. I had been opining about the mountains with my husband and daughters as we spooned ice cream into our mouths on a hot summer evening. Like me they felt the call of adventure and before we had emptied the cups of custardy delight we had decided to head for Colorado the following day. That night we visited a Walmart to purchase the supplies we would need for the journey and arose early the next morning to begin our serendipitous travel. 

At the time our quixotic adventure seemed in keeping with the way we had always lived. Life was short and we intended to squeeze as much joy out of it as possible. It was the same reason that my husband and I got married before we were wet behind the ears and had two children while we were still learning how to be adults. We did not purposely adopt the mantra, “Live for Today!” It just seemed to describe our joyful, if sometimes rash way of approaching each moment. There was literally no telling what we might randomly decide to do from one day to the next if an urge overcame us. 

Over time we became more and more circumspect. We planned and created schedules. We began to be ruled by appointments noted on calendars. If it was Thursday we had a fairly good idea of what lay ahead of us on that day. We quite reliably became dependable in our habits, sending our regrets for last minute invitations that did not jibe with our routines. We were ruled by a clock, the seasons, the pace of our work. We progressed nicely as adults in both our careers and our private time. Everything was in order. Everything had a time and place. 

Then we retired from our long years of labor. Suddenly we had no place to go at seven in the morning. We were free to do as we pleased, but we had forgotten how to seize the day without first planning it minute by minute. We drifted for a time, unable to determine how we might spend the next years of our lives without the constraints that had directed them for so many years. Ultimately we learned to relax once again, to randomly leave for a sojourn at the beach or in the woods. We became aimless travelers willing to head in directions unknown at a moment’s notice. It was exhilarating!

Then came the pandemic from out of nowhere. The trip to Scotland that we were about to take was canceled. Nobody was calling to invite us to meet them in an hour anymore. We became more and more like hermits tied to our home while we waited for the danger of the virus to abate. We did our best to make that time fun in different ways, but it was difficult to watch the weeks then months of confinement rule our lives. Eventually we figured out how to travel without endangering ourselves or others. We embarked on trip after trip in our trailer, our conveyance into the wider world. It was glorious to be spontaneous in a kind of bubble of our making. 

We had continued to consider a number of trips for this year ,but all of them would come to naught as my mother-in-law’s health quite suddenly began to fade. Then my father-in-law became seriously ill at the moment of her death. Month after month we have been caretakers, responsible people just as were had been when we were working and providing for our daughters when they were still living at home. Our calendar became the guide for our days. We had to perfectly plan each hour to accomplish the goals centering on getting my father-in-law well. We have had to be grown-ups once again. 

Life is funny. One day we can be free to live in the spur of the moment and the next we have to buckle down to our duties. We do well to know how to react successfully to both situations. There is a time for being the adult in the room and another for taking full advantage of joyful escapes from obligations that require us to plan ahead or follow a calendar. Spontaneity is good for the soul, but so is doing what must be done. In life there must be a balance and a sense of when it is time for each way of living. 

My father-in-law is growing strong and healthy again. We are beginning to see that it may be okay to leave him for an afternoon or an evening. In the coming weeks we even hope to go on a camping trip once again with enough planning to be certain that he will be okay alone. We will slowly restore a bit of spontaneity to our lives, but we also understand that there is just as much happiness to be found in daily routines. Embracing the joy does not require running away from the moment. Sometimes just waking up to the discipline of making someone’s life a bit better is the best way to spend the time we have. 

If all of my years have taught me anything, it is that balance is the key to happiness. We need to know when to work hard and when to laugh and dance. The two ways of living are not mutually exclusive. We can and should have both. Life is way too precious not to enjoy as much as we possibly can. When we are facing our own mortality we each want it to be said that we have lived well. It’s great when we can look back and know that both our work and our spontaneous moments were magnificent.  

I spent a Saturday afternoon talking with a fellow teacher while our students attended a seminar. He boasted that he had won a great deal of money in Las Vegas and the casinos in Louisiana. He told me that he had never purchased a lottery ticket without winning at least a small amount. He bragged that he was one of the luckiest men around. 

I told him that I never win anything. I gave up wasting my money at casinos long ago. I don’t even give myself a twenty dollar limit. It would be like setting the money on fire in an ashtray. I’ve received scratch off tickets at Christmas parties where almost everyone won at least a dollar, but not me. Our family has a tradition of handing out envelopes with money inside ranging from two dollars to fifty smackers. I’ve been drawing since I was maybe seven years old and have never received more than two dollars. I don’t gamble or bet, because the odds are pretty good that I will not win. 

The fellow teacher insisted that he if were to purchase a couple of scratch off tickets for me I would be certain to finally win. After we had dropped safely brought the students back home to the arms of their parents we met up at a service station that sold those things. To prove his point he told me that they would be a gift to me. He wanted to use his own money to show that he had the lucky touch. He confidently went inside and purchased two tickets and rushed back out to see what he had won for me. 

He took a quarter out of his pocket and even flipped it into the air before scratching on the surface of the card. He became more and more frantic as he came up with nothing indicating a win. He laughed lamely and insisted that this had never before happened to him then he smiled and began scratching the second card assured that he would find his winning streak again. When it also appeared to be a dud he excused himself and walked back in to get two more cards. Neither of them yielded a win either. He looked at me as though I was a Jonah on an ill-fated ship. 

Undaunted and wanting to prove his point he announced confidently that that he was going to purchase two more tickets but this time they would be for him, not for me. He came out of the store smiling and whistling. He began scratching and found a winner almost immediately. His good luck seemed to relieve him greatly. When the second card proved to be a winner as well. He literally heaved a sigh of relief. He looked at me and announced with great gravity that I must be the unluckiest person he had ever met. “Don’t ever go with me to Vegas!” he laughed as I reminded him that I had told him so. 

I am not a superstitious person but life has taught me that probability works against me when it comes to any games of chance. I once went to Las Vegas with a friend who was having a really bad day at the slot machines. That evening we both retired early and she vowed to do better the following day. When I awoke in the morning she was snoring away, so I went to breakfast without her. She met me later with a big smile. She told me that she had snuck out of the room the previous night while I was sleeping and had won over four hundred dollars. She laughed and said that she would be doing any future gambling without me. We spent the day sightseeing instead of playing any of the machines. That evening when she was alone she won a bundle again.

I have a very bad reputation as a bad luck jinx. While people admit that it is totally silly to accuse me of such a thing, their experiences with me lead them to actually believe that such things are possible. I’m glad it is not an earlier more superstitious era or I would surely be viewed as a witch or some other terrible character. The reality is that I get no joy in investing my money in games that are built to take my hard earned cash. I don’t play them often enough to finally get the bag of gold at the end of the rainbow. It’s not that I am unlucky, it’s just that I don’t play the odds often enough to finally get a pay off like other people do. 

I might invest in a really good stock or place my funds in a CD that pays good interest, but I just don’t like tossing money away. I would much rather give it to a charitable cause or even a political campaign. I work too hard to just fritter my earnings away and so going to a casino for any reason other than eating a nice meal or watching a show, it just not for me. 

Once in a great while I do buy a lottery ticket when the winnings get really high. I imagine what I will do if for some unlikely reason I actually won. Most of the time I think of giving most of it away to worthy people and causes. I like my home and might make a few improvements on it, but I doubt I will move. I’d like an electric car and the ability to travel the world. I’d give my university money to improve academic programs or to create scholarships. I would never gamble any of it away, but it it’s a card game where I can use strategy, I find that I have a good chance of winning. That is about as far as I will go.

I vividly remember boarding a bus and riding downtown to shop for clothing and household items with my mom. It was a really big deal to go there and spend the day. My mother dressed up for the occasion and insisted that I wear my Sunday best as well. We walked along Main Street visiting various shops to find the best deals on the things that we needed, but visiting the Foley’s department store was always our ultimate goal. 

My mother usually paid cash for all of her purchases, but now and again she used her Foley’s charge card if she found something exceptional that strained her budget just a bit. She would take a little embossed metal plate out of her purse and hand it to the cashier. The clerk placed a layer of paper and carbon paper on a flat surface with my mother’s metal plate on top. Then she pulled a lever that imprinted my mom’s information on the receipt, which Mama then signed. 

I was a veteran shopper from the get go, but I had trouble with my growing feet so my mother always insisted that I wear orthopedic style shoes. That meant that my choices came down to a variety of ugly oxfords they made me feel clunky and unattractive even as a little girl. I longed for loafers and cute flats like so many of my friends wore. Mama would insist that she was only making sure that my feet grew properly and she predicted that I would one day thank her for her diligence.

When I was a teen a beautiful air conditioned mall had opened near my home. By then I had asserted myself and convinced my mother that I no longer needed the shoes that kept my feet in good form. Instead I enjoyed using the money from my summer jobs to purchase the most stylish shoes available. Thus began my love affair with shoes. I simply could not get enough of them. 

Back then the mall that I frequented had an annual Moonlight Madness sale in which every single store participated. People would come from all over town to find treasures marked down to rock bottom prices. I went every year for as long as I can remember and I most often hunted for shoes. I purchased so many varieties of shoes that I began to feel like Imelda Marcos, the infamous woman who owned hundreds of different kinds of footwear. 

I wore stiletto heels, boots, sandals, flats of every color. I reveled at compliments that I received not only for my shoes, but also for my feet. I had nice trim ankles and perfectly formed toes. It never occurred to me that my mother’s efforts to keep my feet growing properly were the reason for my good fortune. I only knew how wonderful it felt to be freed from the ugly shoes of my childhood. 

About halfway through my career as a teacher my feet began to fail me. I would end each day with aches and pains so horrible that I felt as though I could barely walk. I ended up resorting to wearing a hideous pair of oxfords that made the ones I wore as a child look trendy. They kept me going pain free all day long, so I wore them with a stiff upper lip even though I felt ghastly in them. I saved my huge collection of fabulous pumps and strappy sandals and boots for special occasions when I would not be on my feet for hours, and I still looked so fabulous in them.

Time looks its toll on my feet. The day came when I had to give away all of my high heels. After that I found my flat sandals hurt my feet as well. One by one the cute shoes in my closet became too much to bear. I became an ardent customer of brands like Clarks whose shoes often reminded me of old ladies and women lacking style. 

It was as though I heard my mother’s voice warning me that I would one day regret not taking care of my feet. By then I had banged up and broken toes, fractured one of my feet, and endured bouts of plantar fasciitis. I had worn casts and boots and attended physical therapy sessions. All the while I wondered which of those really cute shoes had been the culprits in wearing down my feet. 

I still have a thing for shoes. I see fabulous footwear in the stores and salivate like Pavlov’s dog. I imagine how great they might look on my feet with just the right dress or pair of slacks. Then I remember that I can’t wear such things anymore without enduring intense pain. I accept that I must wear clunky hiking shoes when touring London or spend most of the trip sitting in the hotel. I wear my arch support sandals and oxfords that are of the kind that only an older woman would think of wearing. My feet feel great in them and I am able to walk for miles. I have given in and accepted my fate while still dreaming of the times when I seemed to have million dollar feet. Mama would be happy that I finally accepted the reality that I need to take proper care of the part of my body that gets me around. I suppose that it was always inevitable that she would be proven right. Oh, but how still love fabulously cute shoes!

I was one of those college students who is often ridiculed. I spent as long as allowed with an undeclared major. I tried to determine what I really wanted to do when I grew up without much success. When time was running out I punted by changing my major on multiple occasions before finally deciding how I was going to spend the rest of my work life. Even when I had finally chosen to become an educator I vacillated on what level and subject I wanted to teach. 

I suppose that I was more typical than an outlier. I’ve watched thousands of my former students experience the same kind of confusion as I did about how to prepare for their futures. Often times they major in one area only to change their minds and find work in something totally different. I suspect that we put a great deal of pressure on young people when we force them to make life changing decisions before they have had enough experience to do so in a meaningful manner. 

I remember first thinking that I wanted to be a secretary, now euphemistically called an administrative assistant. My mother had done such work and she seemed to enjoy it so much that I dreamed of becoming just like her. Along the way I began to glamorize the life of an airline stewardess and imagined flying to far away places and living a life of adventure. Of course I had no idea of how different the actual work is from the pictures I had created in my mind. 

Eventually I decided that I wanted to be either a nurse or a doctor in spite of the fact that my least favorite subject in school was biology. In fact I mostly disliked all science courses. Somehow I imagined that once I had finished the academic work I would suddenly become enchanted with medicine. I had also been told that it was a sure thing to land a steady job in that field. Unfortunately a trip to Baylor College of Medicine and a close up look at reality left me nauseated at the very thought of entering that field and even more confused than ever.

In my heart of hearts I wanted to be a journalist. More than anything I had done in high school, I enjoyed writing. As the news editor of the school paper I felt that I was in my element. Sadly when I confessed this to my counselor, he dashed all of my hopes of majoring in journalism. With the quick reminder that the odds of getting a good paying position as a writer for a newspaper or magazine was slim to none, he destroyed my dream. Thus I entered university life without clue of what to study.

During my sophomore year of college the clock was ticking for me to make a choice. I thought about being a business major but the one course I took in that field was horrific in my mind. I had an art professor insist that I should major in fine arts. Several of my English professors invited me to become a student in the new writing program that they had developed. I even considered getting a law degree because it seemed to bring together all of the skills that I most enjoyed like writing, speaking, and the social sciences. In the end I chose being and educator because it too allowed me to use my creativity to inspire and teach our young. 

I never regretted my choice of careers, but a little bug has always whispered in my ear. It reminded me that I really wanted to write. Thus I often volunteered to create school newsletters because the task was fun for me. I made up stories to teach concepts to my students. I wrote little essays just for fun. The idea of being a writer for the public never really left me and still lives vividly in my heart. 

I have noticed that magazines and newspapers are dwindling. Many have gone out of business. Old school journalism is a dying art. Most of the good writing these days is online. With the new technology anyone who wishes is able to create an essay or a blog and then post it for public view. Thanks to the new avenues for writing, I get to fulfill my dream five days a week. For me it is a glorious hobby that brings me the greatest imaginable pleasure. Whether or not anyone actually reads what I write is unimportant. My joy comes from being able to finally share my thoughts.

Each day that I post a blog I feel as though I am creating my own little journal of stories and commentaries. I never fail to be surprised by the reactions of my mystery readers. Some essays that I write on a whim become quite popular while others into which I pour my heart seem to lay an egg. I suppose that is the fate of anyone who attempts to write for an audience. I never really know how people will react when I schedule a particular piece. 

When I think back to my youth I often wonder what might have been if my elders had not been so insistent that poets and journalists often starve. I was a very obedient and practical girl who found a way to channel my creative urges in a classroom. Ironically I did so while teaching mathematics. I have often felt that my ability with words helped me to explain difficult concepts in an understandable way to my students. Somehow all of my dreams came together when I stood before them hoping to communicate how delightful learning can be. I was writing out loud and it worked. I was fulfilled and so were they. 

Now I have a thousand stories to tell and the desire to do so while I am able. My magazine is my own and it is my gift to whomever cares to partake of it. All it takes is a little love from me.

Anyone who follows my blogs knows that I am an advocate for free speech. I generally have no problem speaking my mind, and I value the opinions of others even when I disagree with them. I like healthy back and forth discourse unless it gets personal or ugly. While there is no law against belittling someone, I find it unnecessary and offensive. In general if a person’s argument is only to make fun of others, it indicates that they really have no rationale for their beliefs.

I was trained in the rules of competitive debate. I learned how to research both sides of an argument, defend either side and refute the presentation of my opponent. Ridicule or sarcasm was not a winning strategy. I had to be ready with factual evidence to prove my points. The more expert the information that I conveyed was, the more likely I would win. Sadly debates that I see today, whether with members of a panel or in the political realm, tend to deteriorate into challenges of who can talk over the other person with the most audacious insults. I find them to be informative only to the extent that they identify persons who don’t actually have much to say. 

In college I had to write countless papers. Many of them were persuasive, and I did not have the freedom to choose a particular side. There were times when I was successful at convincing my readers to do or believe something with which I did not actually agree. Such experiences taught me to seriously study situations and issues with an open mind before drawing conclusions. They were also enjoyable exercises for me. Since then I have taken great delight in sitting with a group of people willing to dialog in a polite and meaningful manner. I don’t mind at all when a diversity of ideas and opinions are offered. In fact, I prefer that to sitting inside an echo chamber where everyone sounds the same. 

Many people have lost the skill of active listening and persuasive discussion. They begin planning their rebuttals before they even hear the totality of the points that the other person is making. Often they become so emotionally unhinged that they descend into insulting the other person’s intelligence or even their appearance or personality. Sadly this type of debate is accepted far too often. The goal is to shut someone down rather than to rationally defend an idea. 

I remember watching the first televised debates between John Kennedy and Richard Nixon. While I was quite young at the time and never a Nixon fan, it bothered me that so many people focused on his appearance during the back and forth, instead of what he was saying. I felt that somehow such reactions were missing the point of having two political candidates present and defend their beliefs. Somehow that first venture into a national debate has only deteriorated more and more over the decades. Now people laugh at jabs about an opponent’s wife or the size of a candidate’s hands as though the ones able to amuse us are somehow stronger leaders than those unwilling to descend into the depths. 

I would be much happier if we had formalized Socratic discussions or Lincoln/Douglas style debates with rules that kept each speaker focused on issues rather than personal attacks. It’s one thing to refute a person’s platform, but another to insult their family. It may be free speech, but it is really lazy speech. A more formal approach would help us to determine truth rather than feelings. 

I recently brought up a topic on Facebook that prompted many response from multiple sides of the issue. I did my best to keep everyone focused on providing support for their statements rather than being sidetracked by snarky digs at the people who disagreed with them. For the most part a very healthy debate ensued with only a few off-topic regressions entering the conversation. At the end everyone agreed that it had been helpful to understand how and why people were taking different sides. 

Many of the problems that we have in our society today come from misguided attempts to derail important discourse. We have trouble finding common ground because we continually fight civil wars of words. We approach important issues like combatants unwilling to compromise even if it means accomplishing nothing. So many problems go unanswered unless there is a plurality of like-minded people to push their way through while totally ignoring the concerns of the minority opponents. It results in a constant state of discontent from one side or another. It’s no way to run anything, much less a government. 

I know that these are things we don’t really enjoy thinking about. We allow the degradation of our discourse because we don’t like to rock the boat. All the while it only seems to become worse because we have done nothing to point out the flaws of debate by insult. We have the power to stop it, but it would mean voting against anyone who uses such means to gain power and anyone who supports them as well. Soon enough our leaders would see that we demand respectful debate and action on issues that includes compromise. I believe that we should all be free to be you and me and still be respectful. That’s my idea of free speech. We don’t see enough of it these days. Perhaps we need to insist that more of our leaders learn the art of instructive debate and we the people would also do well to do so.