Month: January 2023

I’m still fascinated by the seemingly instantaneous collapse of the mega company Enron. It’s demise was actually years in the making, but its problems were so carefully hidden that even most of the employees had little idea that troubles were looming. The documentary, The Smartest Guys in the Room, tells the story of arrogance, lies and secrets that created a toxic and destructive environment that was certain from the start to lead to trouble. 

I’ve always been curious about those who possess an exaggerated sense of their own importance. On the one hand I admire their confidence and willingness to take risks, but on the other hand I abhor their almost narcissistic belief that they are indeed more likely to have all of the answers than the rest of us mere mortals. I suppose that we need such souls in some ways because people like me constantly question ourselves and tend to hold back because we are so fully aware of our limitations. We are unlikely to believe that our ideas are necessarily better than others. 

Nonetheless, we’ve all encountered people and organizations that are almost haughty in their certainty that they know how to do things better than the rest of us. They possess the audacity to shut down discussions that demand give and take. They push their philosophies and beliefs on the people around them. They are often unwilling to work with others, instead insisting that things be done their way or not at all. Their power grabs are often successful as they appear to be in control of themselves and the world around them until someone has the temerity to question them or to note the emptiness of their thoughts.

In the present day we seem to be overrun with people who claim to know what’s best for the world even to the extent of refuting experts who in reality know far more than they do. They argue and boast to the point of taking the air out of a room and instead filling it with their personal opinions. They belittle anyone who poses questions or offers alternative suggestions. Over time they tear down relationships and wreak havoc where they live and work. When things go wrong they moan and groan and blame everyone but themselves.

There were honest souls who came forward at Enron to warn of discrepancies that did not seem to support the company line. They were smugly ignored, ostracized,and often asked to leave. Instead of listening to everyone, the company followed the loudest and most obnoxious individuals gave them the power of lead positions. By ignoring warning signs of wrongdoing, the lies and deceptions ate away at the integrity of the company and its shocking demise was as rapid as the fall of financial giants in the early two thousands would later be. 

On a personal level we have all witnessed individuals who are all too quick to assert their wills over the people around them. They haughtily argue that they are the gifted possessors of all of the answers that we need. Because nobody has a chance of contradicting them, they take center stage while everyone else sits quietly pretending to comply with them. They create a fantasy world for themselves that may look good on the surface but is little more than a cardboard facade.

The real heroes of the world possess a quiet humility and a willingness to analyze a situation and seek answers for discrepancies that they find. My grandson, William, is one of those people. He sits quietly through an uproarious discussion only to speak once he has honestly assessed all of the ideas. More often than not his methodology leads to pearls of wisdom if not perfect answers. We would all do well to adopt his style. 

Perhaps we need to be reminded that many of the world’s greatest leaders were humble men and women who understood that great leadership comes from a willingness to hear all voices and only then make decisions based on the general good. This is true of friendships, families, organizations, businesses, and governments. Dictators generally end up only doing what is best for them. Their agenda is to keep power and nothing else. The wise person always understands what others need and strives to honor everyone by actually listening to and hearing them. 

We have so many upheavals in the world today that are making us feel uncertain and even at times misunderstood. They are found in the halls of our government and those around the globe. The art of working together seems to be rather unpopular right now even in personal relationships. We are dominated by those who think they know it all while ignoring those who have important things to say. We pretend that all is well when we know that much is very unhealthy. We have generally been as fooled as the world was about Enron and we envision a collapse of things that we hold dear. 

What has to happen is a resurgence of  integrity and humility in all facets of our lives. Our healing demands respectful and honest communication rather than loud performances designed to hide the truths of our situations. We can change for the better but we will have to demonstrate a willingness to turn down the volume of the domineering fakers and work together in a spirit of compromise and good will. 

The best friendships are based on mutual trust. The best families sacrifice in a spirit of honesty and love. The best businesses honor everyone’s contribution. The best government bring the citizens together. Perhaps if the Chinese calendar is right in predicting peace and hope in 2023 we may be on the verge of saving our most sacred institutions just by giving everyone a voice. It seems that the smartest guys in the room are not the loudest, but instead the ones who quietly and humbly speak the truth. 

Christmas has come and gone.and it feels as though Christmas 2023 is a long off as we hunker down in the new year. Somehow though I find myself thinking of the classic movie It’s a Wonderful Life. Despite being irrevocably associated with holiday viewing, the film has a message that should resonate all through the year. 

Of course we all know the story of George Bailey, a man who had dreams of traveling the world, leaving his small town behind and living a life of learning and adventure. Sadly he found himself having to accept the cloak of responsibility for his loved ones over and over again. He lost the opportunity to attend college when his father died and he was chosen to take over the struggling family business. A run on the Savings and Loan that he managed interrupted his plans for an exciting honeymoon. The births of children sidelined his dreams of making big changes in his life. Ultimately he is threatened with jail time and loss of his reputation and business after his uncle loses a large cash deposit. 

All of his struggles come crashing down at once and he literally questions whether his life has even been worth living. That’s when Clarence, an angel, enters to show him what the world would like if he had never lived. He learns that even small things that he had done had a dramatic impact on the people of his town and even a ship filled with soldiers in World War II. Without him many lives would have been broken and sorrowful and even lost. 

We sometimes don’t stop to think how much our actions affect the people around us. We underestimate the effect of a smile or a wave. We cannot imagine how important each of is in the grand scheme of things. Everything changes if any one of us never existed. Our reach may be small, but it is important to those around us. If we understand that, we are more inclined to be the best versions of ourselves. We strive to be kind, to observe when others are struggling, to give of ourselves rather than taking the air out of a room. From day to day the little things that we say and do have the most profound effect on the people we encounter. It would be nice if we each had an opportunity to actually witness our overall effect on the world around us so that we might either improve our presence or stay the course of how we live. 

Many people create goals for themselves and very successfully achieve every one of them. Others, like George Bailey, have terrible things happen to them at the most inopportune times. They have to constantly adjust their visions and dreams to care for the people around them. They probably wonder if their sacrifices are even appreciated. If we don’t tell them how will they know how much they mean to us. They may even begin to feel like failures just as George Bailey did when life no longer seemed worth living. 

I wish that I might reach out to every person who has impacted me in a wonderful way. Some of them did incredible things for me and I don’t think I ever fully let them know how much they meant to me. I got busy with life and only thought about what I might have said to them when it was too late. I experienced that when my Aunt Rosemary died and when I lost my dear friend Sharon. If only I had picked up the phone and called them or written a little note describing how important they were to me.

I often think of my Uncle Jack Ferguson who guided my family through the most difficult early days after my father had died. Without Uncle Jack we would have been little lost souls set adrift in a sea of troubles. With his folksy knowledge and always pleasant humor he found us a house in which to live and a car to get us around town. He set us right on our journey without a dad and he kept checking on us ever after. I know that I never told him how much I loved him or how thankful I was for all of his help. I took it for granted that he knew. I hope that is so. 

My mother’s best friend Edith helped me when I was so confused about how to get medical help for my mother when she had her first terrible episode of mental illness. Not even the priest at our church was willing to give me guidance, but Edith stood by me and my mother with a love that gave me the courage I needed. I lost track of her over time and never thought to purposefully create an opportunity to describe how much she had meant to me. I am sorry for that because she literally guided me to find a strength within me that I did not know was there. 

So many incredible people are responsible for the sum total of who I am today. They enlightened me, showed me how to be compassionate, modeled integrity for me. Sometimes I only knew them from afar but their influence was dramatic. I suppose that it so for all of us. 

We encounter good people every single day of our lives who make a difference in how we feel about ourselves. Their existence is crucial in changing our world for the better. Missing even a single chance moment with them might have changed the trajectory of our lives. Think about who those people are. If they are still alive spend a few moments on each day of 2023 taking the time to tell them how important they are. We never know when that opportunity will be gone or when that person will believe that they have accomplished nothing. Give them the gift of gratitude. They need to hear what you have to say. Remind someone of how wonderful life has been because they entered your life.

It was New Year’s Day and we spoke of all that had happened in 2022, the births, the graduations, the illnesses, and the deaths. As we wished for peace, happiness, and good health in 2023 one among us commented that we don’t usually get too upset when one of our parents dies because that is the way life works. We expect our parents to die before we do so it is never that difficult to lose them.  

I jumped into the discussion insisting that this theory did not work for everyone, especially when a parent dies when a child is only eight years old as I was when my father’s died. I told our group that the loss of my father was the most traumatic moment of my lifetime that impacted virtually every aspect of who I am today. At times I have struggled to deal with the raw feelings that overwhelmed me in a time when most people believed that children were hardly affected by such things. At other times my experience allowed me to better understand my students who were struggling with similar disturbing life events. 

As an educator I observed that children who had endured the loss of a mother or father either through death or abandonment struggled to cope with grief that was all too often underestimated by the adults around them. This was particularly true if the event occurred when they were between the ages of eight and fifteen. I noticed that more often than not they had been left to sort our their feelings alone and they simply did not have the proper tools to deal with the sorrow they were experiencing, nor did they know how to convey their suffering to others. They simply felt strangely adrift and created their own coping mechanisms which were sometimes harmful to themselves and others. They were at times viewed as outsiders, trouble makers, delinquents, unlikeable little people even to themselves. 

Whenever I talked with such youngsters and conveyed my understanding of how they were feeling they more often than not opened their hearts to me, revealing the confusion and hurt that they had been afraid to make public. They felt a mix of emotions that included deep sorrow and anger that guided their seemingly erratic behavior. They longed to feel the joy and innocence that had been so uplifting before the moment when their lives changed so drastically. They felt different, withdrawn, and sometimes even remorseful for making a difficult family situation even harder for their remaining parent. 

Not everyone who loses a parent reacts in a negative way. Not every family of that child ignores the signs that they are in pain. Each of us is an individual, but there is a pattern of severe emotional distress among many youngsters who have lost a parent that takes form in undesirable behaviors or a kind of withdrawal from the world. If those young people’s feelings are not properly addressed they may eventually evolve into addictions, aggressions, anger, suicides, and even criminal behaviors. I can think of dozens of such examples from the pages of the news and from my personal interactions with troubled students.

As a society we need to be aware of such things. I applaud Harry Windsor for bringing his own story to the public. He was only twelve when his mother died. The attention was thrown on his grandmother, the Queen, and his father, the future King. Harry had to don a stoic face at a time when he was emotionally devastated. In the ensuing years he was sometimes said to be the trouble making prince. The press and the people around him made light of his cries for help that even he may not have realized he was making. Now that he is honestly addressing his pain and trying to help others in the process he is still being unheard, misunderstood and even shunned by many. I applaud Harry’s courage because I know quite well how important it is to face the emotions and fears that come with losing a beloved parent.

I am appalled whenever I hear adults criticizing a child who is struggling to be whole. We need not forgive bad behavior, but we would be wise to show the young person how much we love those trying to overcome a painful loss. If we only ignore or condemn them we run the risk of losing them to their fears and demons. Love demands that we let them voice their feelings no matter how toxic they may sound and then make real attempts to help them heal before the monsters inside of them become solidified.

Little good comes from having a stiff upper lift and carrying on as though nothing has happened when a child loses a parent. Often we provide comfort to the adults because we assume that they are suffering. We cannot forget the children as well. Their personalities are in the process of forming and trauma can distort them for the rest of their lives. Much of the trouble we see in the world derives from pretending that all is well and looking the other way. The poison toxicity of ignoring pain can lead to death of a soul. It’s up to all of us to make sure that the “might have beens” of a child are not damaged. Watch them. Encourage them to talk without judgement. Drain the poisons from their minds. Listen to the children.

When I came into the world my cousin Paul was already here. He has been an integral person in my life from the first memories that I have. Growing up we saw each other every Friday night at my grandmother’s home. Paul was the sweetest among my grandmother’s grandchildren. He always possessed a calmness and sense of humor that made him a favorite of all of us. For a time we even thought that perhaps he might become a priest or some kind of minister of God.

Paul had the largest collection of comic books that I have ever seen. He never threw an issue away and they were stored in piles wrapped with string in the back of his home. He seemed like an only child because his siblings were much older than he was and had gone to live on their own from the time he was quite young. His parents doted on him but did not spoil him. They modeled the kind and easygoing behavior that was his trademark. Just being with them was enough to lower one’s blood pressure several points. 

Paul and I both attended the University of Houston in the late nineteen sixties. His education there was interrupted by the Vietnam war. He enlisted in the Air Force and spent time in Oklahoma and Germany where he matured and honed his wisdom and compassion. He would be incredibly proud of his university and his time in the military for the rest of his life. His loyalty to God, family and his country was unshakeable. 

Paul married and went to work. His mother and father both died when he was still a very young adult. When his daughter was born he focused his loving nature on her and his wife. He was a success at work mostly because he was indefatigable and had such a generous personality that everyone loved him. He rose through the ranks and life was good until it wasn’t.

During hurricane Harvey Paul’s home of many decades flooded. It was a total disaster and for the first time in his life he was completely overwhelmed. He was nearing retirement age, but realized that this setback would force him to continue working well into his seventies. Once he got over the shock of what had happened he returned to his determined survival mode and did his best to be optimistic. He repaired his home, continued working at his job and enjoyed talking long walks in the park next to his abode. He often posted lovely stories on Facebook of his life in the military. His sense of humor became ever more delightful. 

Paul finally retired a couple of years ago. I went to his retirement party and he seemed to be exhausted. He made a speech extolling the symbolism of his wedding ring and his Air Force ring, two of his most cherished possessions because of what they represented. It was apparent that his family and his country had always meant everything to him. The people who worked for and with him praised his goodness just as those of us who are his cousins have always done. Kindness is his most lovely character trait. It is what makes him “our Paul.”

I would see Paul again at the funeral of another of our cousins in late 2021. He was looking better, as though retirement was agreeing with him. We enjoyed the usual cousin’s banter complete with his great story telling and a few wonderful jokes. It was good to see him looking so well, but that was not to remain the case.

In the spring of 2022, Paul had a heat stroke while walking. Even though he appeared to only need more hydration on his daily journeys through the park, his condition continued to deteriorate quickly until he was diagnosed with advance stage dementia. The one time my brother and sister-in-law and I saw him he was a shell of his former self, but he was still laughing and enjoying a good joke. I am glad that we were able to tell him how much we love him before he reaches a point of no longer knowing who we are or understanding what we are saying. 

When a loved one has dementia it is a long goodbye. The grieving for that person begins even before they die. We remember all of the wonder of their lives, but they forget. It is terribly difficult to watch such an incredible person like Paul dwindle away. Somehow we never saw this coming or we would have made more effort to save his stories, enjoy his jokes. We would have spent more time with him and told him more often how much we have always loved and respected him.

Paul’s wife and daughter tell us that he is quickly nearing the end of his life. It’s difficult for me to imagine a world without him. He has been the anchor of goodness among us cousins. He has been the exemplary role model and voice of wisdom that we have needed. We all pray that he will not suffer too much. We know that he will immediately go to heaven. He is one of God’s angels who came down from heaven to live among us. We have been blessed by his presence. We hope that somewhere in his heart he knows just how important he is to us. We hope he realizes how much we love him.

According to the Chinese calendar the new year will begin on January 22, and it will be the year of the rabbit. For those who believe in such things 2023 should bring twelve months of peace and hope. How wonderful would it be if we might all just sit back and enjoy the fruits of positive horoscopes or ancient signs! Sadly such superstitions are just another attempt by humans to explain the complexities of the world. We can’t rely on such predictions to determine how this year will affect us. Instead we all know that life is a complex mix of events over which we have little control. How we choose to face the ups and downs that are an inevitable aspect of our journeys from one moment to the next. is the key to what life feels like to each of us. While there is uncertainty from day to day in any year, we can prepare ourselves to meet the challenges that most surely will come. Reading tea leaves or visiting a fortune teller might be fun, but in the end our choices and actions will determine how well we will adapt the the world as is actually is. 

Over the decades I have learned that every aspect of daily life described in a typical horoscope or superstitious prediction can be made more positive by individual determination and will. The happiest people that I know work at being so. A positive outlook on life comes from within. It is often a choice to find joy even on the most horrific of days. It does not require exciting trips or conspicuous consumption. It is instead a quiet and unassuming determination to find contentment in the smallest of things. 

Truly satisfied people spread kindness wherever they go. They focus on others rather than themselves. They meet hardships with an understanding that each of us will face challenges and some of those difficulties will feel almost unbearable. They take small steps each day to find tiny moments that keep them optimistic. They deal with pain and sorrow by allowing themselves to grieve without becoming cynical. They accept that bad things happen to good people and that they are not immune to the vagaries of living. They trust in God, their friends, their families and themselves to push through the darkest moments. They see more good in the world than evil. 

Successful people work hard to be so. Of course some people are born in the right country to the right parents so that they will always have wealth. Most of us have to work for such things. It takes time, effort, energy to achieve a level of comfort and satisfaction in one’s work. Those who rise to the top never quit learning. They are willing to enroll in continuing education courses, spend time training for new skills, work to achieve advanced degrees. They accept challenging tasks, are willing to put in extra hours when needed, become known for their dedication. While most of us are spending our free time watching television or escaping from reality with gaming, they are like the tortoise. They slowly but surely make themselves more skilled, more valuable in the workplace rather than complaining that they are not earning enough or being appreciated as they should be. 

The same is true with relationships. The people who appear to have the best friendships take the time to communicate their feelings to those that they love. It only takes a few minutes to let people know that you are thinking of them and that you understand their needs. The most beloved among us are like angels on earth constantly spreading comfort and understanding.

I am lucky to know some incredible people who have carved out amazing lives for themselves by doing the type of things that I have just described. They seem to call with encouraging words at the exact moment when a friend or family member needs them. They are constantly watching for signs that someone is in need. They quietly make a three minute phone call to remind people that they are loved. They meet suffering with calm. They work hard to support whatever cause is important to them. They go an extra mile when others have already left the race. 

Their names and faces flash before me. They inspire me to be better, to try harder not to devolve into pessimism. They show me that feeling sorrow for myself is a waste of my energy. they help me understand that true miracles come from the soul of a determined individual, not from a crystal ball or a winning lottery ticket. 

I watched my mother being bombarded with hard times for most of her life. It was as though she could not catch a lucky break and yet she was one of the happiest people I have ever known. Just enjoying an ice cream cone was an exciting experience for her. So too was my Grandpa Little who lived to be one hundred eight years old. He lived in a rented room and was essentially destitute when he died, and yet the richness of his life was profound. He was indeed the wisest person I have encountered. My friend Pat Weimer’s door was always open. She’d make some coffee, set out a plate of emergency cookies and listen intently to anyone who needed to be heard. She was an amazing friend. Zerin Sahai may live in India but she has an uncanny talent of knowing exactly when I am in need of a call to comfort me. So too does my friend, Carol, who is the glue holding together our very diverse group of friends. Scott Scheffler earned at advanced degree in oil and gas law while in his fifties. He has worked tirelessly since he was a teen and success has followed his efforts. 

Knowing how to live well runs in families. Scott’s mother, Linda, is known far and wide for her generous and loving spirit. Zerin’s daughter, Ruchika, delights us with her upbeat spirit. Pat’s daughter, Lisa, has followed her mother’s lead by being a true friend to all who know her. None of these people found the secrets to living well from predictions. All of them put positive effort into each day. Perhaps in the year of hope and peace according the the rabbit, we might all make the world a better place by following the example of the people around us who seemingly have found the keys to happiness, success, strong relationships. Learn from them and I suspect that 2023 will indeed be one of peace and hope.