My mother often accused me of being a control freak. I suspect that much of her belief that I wanted to rule the world came from the years of guiding her through medical interventions for her bipolar disorder. At the age of twenty I became her unofficial mental health caretaker. It was not a job that I wanted or ever enjoyed and it endured for well over forty years until I was quite weary of the battles that her periodic psychoses would engender. I often found myself wishing that I might have a more “normal” mother/daughter relationship whatever that may be. I became so accustomed to taking over when she needed help to regain her footing that I indeed became more irritable and bossy than patient and kind. I suspect that I had developed a “take charge” personality that filtered into every aspect of my life. Somehow keeping my world in a steady state seemed to be the main goal of daily life. I needed order and design in my home and in my work. I became the dreaded control freak that my mother claimed me to be even as I denied her accusations.
I am sad to admit that in my mother’s final months of life I totally lost any semblance of authority over either her life or my own. The school where I worked was in a state of chaos and because I had decided to retire to provide my mom with more of my time and care my influence over events had greatly waned. When my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer I refused to believe that it was as bad as the doctor indicated. I thought that I would be able to put all of my efforts into getting her well and everything would eventually work out perfectly. Unfortunately the cancer ended her life only a few days after I had worked my last day in schools. I felt as though I was drowning in failure.
I have since realized that life does not always bend to our commands the way we wish it to do. Forces beyond my influence had changed the school and so too had lung cancer overruled my determination to keep my mother healthy. In the end she had reasserted herself and become the mother while I became simply her child. She left this earth in full command of her destiny and it was a beautiful thing to witness. At the same time she officially passed the mantle of family matriarch to me, a title that has made me both honored and uncomfortable.
I still struggle to maintain a sense of order and design in my life, but I have learned that I can’t always plan for ways to keep things running with constant smoothness. The unexpected happens and throws all of my world into disorder. A pandemic changes the course of my life. Aging sends my father-in-law to a long hospital stay and then to my home. A procedure that should have taken a day of recovery almost ends my husband’s life. A beloved cousin who always made me laugh suddenly is overcome with dementia and dies within weeks of being diagnosed. My brothers are plagued with illnesses. Friends have life changing accidents. I feel as though I am Alice tumbling down a deep and dark rabbit hole and all I can do is take a deep breath and hope that my landing will be somewhat soft. My efforts to control go unanswered until I realize that the only thing that I have the power to influence is myself. I have to learn to go with the flow or as a dear friend often says, how to float peacefully on the water.
It’s not easy for me, but in my heart I hear my loving mother chiding me for attempting to force changes on others as though I always know what is best. Now it is time for me to take control of myself or surely I will be miserable in the knowledge that the mule I have been pushing for most of my life is never going to move. Perhaps I should simply walk away from him and hope that he will follow.
I’ll be the first to admit that I am struggling mightily with caring for my father-in-law who makes my mother seem like a docile saint in comparison. With forcefulness I was always able to convince her to do the right thing. He, on the other hand, is an immutable force. He knows how he wants to live and there will be no changing him after ninety four years of living on this earth. He decides how he is going to live out the last years of his life and I might make suggestions but he will ultimately be the captain of his own ship. I am beginning to understand as I battle with him for primacy that I am indeed a world class control freak who thinks she has all of the answers, but in truth is just as uncertain as others. For my own sanity I have had to learn how to back away, at least for now. He is still mostly clear minded even though sometimes forgetful and confused. He wants to make his own decisions and I understand that I must honor him by allowing him to do so. Sometimes it’s best just to walk alongside someone rather that always attempting to lead.
I am an altruistic person who worries and frets over the well being of others. There have been times when I have had to be forceful to help them out of harm’s way. Still it is time that I learned when It is more appropriate to just let them be. Letting go of the reins and handing them over to someone else is scary but often the best thing to do.
Just as I had to have faith in my daughters when they flew away from the comfort of my nest, I will have to allow my father-in-law to do things his way at least until the if and when time that he is no longer able to make such decisions. I would do well to save my energy and my concerns for now and simply enjoy our time with him. I only wish that it were easier for me to do. A lifetime of being in charge has left me uncertain about just letting go, but I know that I must try.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 