I am still biologically young for my age save for the problems with my bones. My doctor tells me that I am a very young looking and acting seventy five year old. Nonetheless I literally made a pledge to my daughters today that I would defer to them whenever they felt that I had become too old to do certain things. This pledge came after my father-in-law who is ninety five went to renew his Texas driver’s license.
We had told him multiple times that he should not longer be driving but he has ignored our pleas. We truly believed that when the people and the DMV saw the extreme tremors in his hands that they would deny him a new license. We were counting on not having to bring this issue to a battle of the wills. Instead, the people there noted his tremors and even expressed concern that he might not be able to respond well to situations that inevitably happen when we drive. He assured them that he was still great behind the wheel and so they reluctantly renewed his license one more time.
What bothers me most about this situation is that my father-in-law seems to know that he should not be driving. He gets my husband to take him places whenever he can but still sometimes makes treks across town by himself on crowded freeways where anything can happen. He was quite nervous before he left for his appointment with the DMV. Much like a child would do he grabbed a baseball cap before going out the door and announced that maybe the hat would impress the people who would decide his fate.
At that moment I knew that he needs to surrender his keys forever. I have spoken about this many times but my pleas have been ignored. My anxiety over this situation grows with each day because I know that in addition to his tremors, his mind is not as sharp as it once was. He forgets things and often seems lost. His neighbors have expressed grave concerns when they see him driving up to his house. They truly worry about his safety, but I also worry about the safety of other people on the road with him. An accident has the potential to not just hurt him, but also some innocent. I believe that a really wise older person would know that it is time to hang up the keys.
I am incredibly disappointed that in essence the state of Texas has now told him that there is not reason why he should not drive. I expect talking him into doing the right thing will become incredibly difficult. My daughters are also concerned and thought that one look at how shaky and frail he is would lead to an official to ban him ever driving again.
In today’s world there is little reason for someone to attempt to keep driving when their capabilities begin to be compromised. We have enough people in the family to take care of any desire that my father-in-law has to get somewhere. Not only that, but he can secure an Uber ride at any time of day or night and he has more than enough funds to pay for such a thing. I have grandchildren who have drivers’ licenses but do not have access to cars at their universities. They manage to get around and do whatever they need to do without ever getting behind the wheel of a car. It is not a necessity for my father-in-law at this point in his life.
I admit that I have had to battle with unreasonable parents for many years now. First came my mother whose bipolar disorder lead her to do very dangerous things. We had to take away her car which she did not like until she realized that she was always able to get anywhere she wanted to be. Then we forced her to move from her home when she was forgetting to turn off the stove and setting things on fire. We also had to force her to see her doctors and take her meds. It was a very uncomfortable time but out of love we did these things for her.
I believed that the struggles with my mother evolved from her mental illness. Now that we are having similar issues with my father-in-law I understand that it is mostly a matter of a person not wanting to lose control. I know it is difficult to endure life changing situations but the fact is that my husband and I have had to change the way we live for the last year and a half as well. Nothing about the present situation is perfect but we my sacrifices here and there out of love.
I will continue to work on my father-in-law and help him to understand that I would not bother to nag him about the dangers of driving if I did not love him. I don’t like being bossy but I know from my years in the classroom that sometimes we have to take control of a situation for everyone’s safety. I’m happy that my father-in-law is feeling so good that he wants to get around and I’ll be glad to get him wherever he wants to be. I just think that it is time for him to see the wisdom in giving up his keys. He is a sweet and reasonable man who surely must know that the time has come.
I write about this not to embarrass my father-in-law but because I would like to urge those who read my blogs to be wise enough to know when it is time to make significant changes and to do so without argument. My grandfather managed to adapt to change and I believe it is actually one of the reasons that he lived so long. It is certainly the reason that we all admired him so much. So I have made a pledge on this day that I will listen to my children and grandchildren and respect their motives enough that I will do as they wish. I trust that they will only want to make changes that are best for me. I am not afraid of a King Lear syndrome coloring their reason. When it is time I will honor their requests. I think it is something that we should all consider doing. It would demons a great act of love.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 