Month: January 2024

I always marvel at how distinctly individual my brothers and I are. It is difficult to imagine that three people who grew up together in the same house with the same family experiences would turn out to be so very different from each other. I consider it a testament to the wisdom and love of our single parent mom that we each became our own persons without any efforts to clone us into duplications of each other. Our mother seemed to understand how important it was to allow us to develop the way we each needed to do in order to find our individual happiness. She was not inclined to influence or direct our thinking in one way or another. Our talents unfolded and she supported our choices in using them to become the persons that we are. 

I sometimes watch the world at large and feel confused by the efforts of individuals and groups and nations to classify and even rank people. I cannot understand why humans so often are inclined to see each other as indistinguishable members of groups rather than the unique people that they are. Sadly even in the seemingly more advanced and educated modern times there are still those who see people only through the lens of skin color or location of birth or even religious affiliation rather than celebrating the vast variety of the human experience. It is as though some people are unable to distinguish between the labels they have placed on us. They judge humans based only on where they were born and who their parents are.

We humans are still not quite able to curb our tendencies to favor certain groups over others. We speak of the relative value of the east versus the west. Some even go so far as to speak of “good immigrants” versus “bad immigrants” based on superficial criteria like incomes, levels of education and places of origin. Prejudices still abound even as people like me assumed that things were better than they once were. I admit to falling into a state of naivety now and again only because it can be exhausting to admit to the work that we still must do if we are ever to become a worldwide community of acceptance rather  than one in which our attitudes toward each other seem to be predetermined by age old stereotypes. 

My mother’s parents came to the United States over one hundred years ago from Eastern Europe. It would be an understatement to say that they were fleeing prejudices in their native country. At that time they were thought to be lesser than Europeans living farther west. They were under the dominion of the Austro-Hungarian Empire where there were active efforts to eliminate their culture and language to reshape them into what was then deemed to be a more superior way of living, thinking and believing. They chose instead to move to “America” where they would have the freedom to be themselves. Sadly they often times encountered as much prejudice in their new world as they had experienced in the old one. 

My mother spoke of having rocks and insults hurled at her as she walked to school. The taunts she heard accused her of being dumb, dirty and unwanted. Luckily her father encouraged her to ignore the ignorance of others and to hold her head high. She and her siblings eventually blended into society without markers of skin color or manner of speaking differentiating them and relegating them to lower status. Others who have come here either by choice or by force have not been as fortunate. The sad truth is that there are still people whose prejudices determine how they see others. 

I have honestly never been able to understand why we humans have had tendencies to view one type of person as being innately better than another. I know that not everyone thinks in restrictive terms but the mere fact that such ideas exist anywhere has been the cause of disagreements and wars. Somehow there are still too many people who cannot get past the concept of rating and ranking people with superficial and mostly false ideas. Quite recently someone told me that Eastern Europeans think that they are white but they are not.

When I was teaching I witnessed the magnificence of my thousands of students who haled from virtually every culture, background and nation in the world. While their origins did indeed affect the colors of their skin and hair and eyes, their essence lay in their hearts and minds which were as beautiful and diverse as nature. I learned as much from them as they learned from me. I began to see people without the superficialities of their appearance or the way that they spoke. I even recall the exact moment when I was able to look past the scars of a young girl who had been severely burned and left with what might be seen by most as a hideous body. Once I got to know who she really was she became so lovely and wonderful in my eyes. I have often wished that we might all be able to transform the way we view the people around by looking past what we might otherwise have seen as flaws. 

There are indeed bad actors within every group. They do not define each individual. Beauty is not a singular set of characteristics. Intellect and talents vary from person to person. The engineer is not more valuable to us than the artist. We need everyone to make our world wonderful and exciting. Humans are not machines to be rated as good, better or best or even no good at all. The sooner we learn how to set our prejudices aside, the better our world will be. 

When I was a little girl and my father had died I remember sneaking into what had been my parent’s room, opening the closet door and lying on the floor next to my Daddy’s shoes. It was like having him near me once again. While his clothes returned to their original state after laundering or cleaning, his shoes retained the imprint of his feet. I suppose that if I had filled them with plaster and then taken out the resulting sculpture it would have been a perfect rendering of the feet that once moved him from one adventure after another in his very young life. Somehow his shoes were incredibly personal and so much a part of him and his personality. 

When my mother finally found the courage to remove his belongings I was quietly devastated. I did not want anyone to know how silly I was to want to keep his shoes for all time. I cried in the confines of my bedroom, knowing that another part of him was going away. 

Years later when my mother died, it was not her clothing that was the most difficult to send away, but her shoes. Once again her footwear became emblematic of her life. On her slippers and flats I saw the indentations that reminded me of her life. 

There is something so intensely moving about the shoes of a person who has died. It is as though the coverings for feet somehow retain the essence of the person who wore them. Perhaps that is why there was once a trend to take a baby’s first walking shoes and bronze them as a keepsake for all time. Maybe it is why the enormous pile of shoes in the National Holocaust Museum brought me to tears. Each set of footwear was a person, someone who had walked on this earth with all of the human feelings and experiences that were so normal until that terrible moment when everything changed. 

I have a pair of reindeer slippers that my friends Egon and Marita loaned to my daughter Maryellen when she was a toddler. They had purchased the shoes in Norway and were saving them for the time when they would have their own first child. In the meantime Marita was not successful in conceiving a baby so she sweetly suggested that Maryellen use the furry slippers until she outgrew them. 

Maryellen loved those slippers. She wore them all day long and threw enormous fits of anger whenever I tried to replace them with sturdier shoes. They seemed to be permanently glued to her feet until her toes began to curl inside because her feet had grown. Only then did she surrender the slippers. When I attempted to return them to Egon and Marita, they suggested that I keep them until they needed them. Sadly, they never had children and the tiny slippers remain in my cedar chest as a reminder of my loving friends and my independent minded daughter who has grown into a magnificent woman. 

Those slippers look as good as new save for the imprint of Maryellen’s tiny feet in the folds of the fur. They also are slightly damaged due to an encounter with a curious dog who seemed to think that they were actually a chew toy. Luckily I rescued them before they were totally ruined. Now they bring a smile to my face each time I glimpse them among the other treasures stored away inside the chest that was a gift when I graduated from college.

Some people are willing to wear hand me down shoes. I’ve never wanted to do that because it almost feels like a desecration to use them after someone else has embossed them and defined them. Besides I suspect that they would not be particularly comfortable because of the imprint of another person’s foot. The comfort of the original owner may not be the same for someone new. 

My Grandpa Little often told tales about shoes. Perhaps he had the same kind of reverence for them that I have. He once spoke of owning a pair of lace up boots as a young boy that were becoming ever more painful to wear because he had outgrown them. His grandmother insisted that he had to use them just a bit longer until she was able to afford to purchase a new pair for him. He laughed as he related how he solved his problem by taking a knife and cutting off the toes of the upper leather to free his feet from the cramped area. He admitted that he must have looked rather strange with his open toed boots, but his inventiveness allowed him to use them for several more months until his feet were literally hanging over the soles of each shoe and his grandmother agreed that it was time for some new ones. 

My mother often boasted that she was the youngest of eight children. She was proud of her ability to adjust to any situation which she believed had resulted from having to defend herself from her raucous siblings. She told me that until she learned how to sew and got a job to earn some money to purchase cloth she had never owned any article of clothing or pair shoes that were brand new. In fact she recalled that her shoes had often been used multiple times before they finally came to her, often with holes in the soles. She marveled at her mother’s ingenuity in finding cardboard to place in the bottom of the shoes to cover the worn spots of leather. Still, she took great joy in providing me and my brothers with brand new well fitting shoes that where often her greatest extravagance and gift to us.

I suppose that I have a kind of shoe fetish. Somehow of all the things that we wear, shoes seem to represent the most personal aspect of who we are. Shoes tell stories and whisper memories of the persons who wore them. It’s always difficult to let them go. They speak to us in such very personal ways.

I have a nephew who likes to have special dinner parties. Not only is he an exceptional cook, but he also likes to create a theme around his gatherings. He’s invested in a round dining table that comfortably seats eight people making the occasions intimate and interesting. He brings out his finest china and creates food worthy of a five star chef. He would literally be able to write a book on how to entertain and probably should consider doing such a thing. 

For quite some time I have felt quite special each time he has invited us to his beautifully appointed home for one of his “fancies.” I felt that I should reciprocate but was never quite brave enough to ask an entertainer of his caliber to enjoy my more humble fare. Then one day I blurted out that I wanted him to come to my home for dinner for a change. I suppose he sensed that he needed to seize the invitation before I lost my courage and found excuses for cancelling. He quickly suggested that we meet only five days later if I was available. Even though I was a bit stunned, I heartily agreed and immediately began to worry that I had bitten off more than I might be able to chew. 

I spent the following day attempting to decide what to cook. I wanted something that I might prepare early in the day and then just pop out of the oven shortly after my nephew’s arrival. I found a fabulous recipe for a roast that would slow cook for hours along with vegetables. The only last minute cooking would involve preparing gravy. That sounded just right because I wanted to focus on my guests rather than be skittering about in the kitchen like a mad woman attempting to do multiple tasks at the same time. 

I cleaned my home from top to bottom so that it looked well kept and purposeful, if not worthy of a decorating magazine. My friend, Pat, had taught me that people feel more comfortable eating if the dust is gone, the floors are swept, and the kitchen looks pristine. I made sure that the garbage can was emptied and the disposal was not harboring some old remains that left a strange odor in the air. Step one in my planning was rather easily secured.

I decided to set a pretty table with a cloth, candles and chargers under my dishes. I took out my best water glasses and wine stems and used my white linen napkins that had been dutifully washed and ironed. The effect was lovely so step two seemed to be a success as well.

Meanwhile my entree was slowly filling the air with a delightful bouquet of spices. The timing of every aspect was under my control so I was even able to don makeup and a nice outfit to make me appear to be a composed and confident hostess. Still, I knew that the test of my efforts would come in the final execution of the tasting once we sat down together to eat. 

When I told my daughters who was coming to dinner they wished me luck and mentioned that I was brave to host such a gifted entertainer like my nephew. They mentioned that it would be like inviting Emeril to dinner. Then the eldest assured me that I was a good cook in my own right and that all would go well. 

The doorbell rang and there stood my nephew and his spouse. There were hugs all around and comments about how lovely my home was looking. We all sat for a time in the great room sipping on wine and then I excused myself to make the final preparations while they enjoyed a conversation with my husband and father-in-law. 

Everything was looking good so I announced that dinner was ready. We took our places around the table and the gayety continued as we filled our plates and began tasting my efforts at cooking. To my delight everything seemed perfect and the compliments began to flow. I felt less and less nervous as the clock ticked. When my guests went back for second helpings I knew that I had succeeded. Nobody was just being polite. They actually liked what I had made. 

We never left the table that evening. The conversations went on and on and everyone was having a very good time. Even the dessert which was store bought apple strudel seemed to be a hit. Best of all there was a high level of comfort that filled the air. My father-in-law who generally excuses himself to go to bed no later than nine at night, stayed through the extended evening. 

We said our goodbyes after eleven and expressed our wish to enjoy such an evening again. We already have a date on the calendar for later this month. I felt good as I tossed the plates and utensils and cookware into the dishwasher and wiped down the countertops. I may not be a five star level hostess but I had put together a very successful party. It finally occurred to me that all of it was more about the people who were there than any skills I might possess or lack. Gathering at a table is one of the most intimate activities that we humans do. It is the stuff of memories and love. 

I am still biologically young for my age save for the problems with my bones. My doctor tells me that I am a very young looking and acting seventy five year old. Nonetheless I literally made a pledge to my daughters today that I would defer to them whenever they felt that I had become too old to do certain things. This pledge came after my father-in-law who is ninety five went to renew his Texas driver’s license.

We had told him multiple times that he should not longer be driving but he has ignored our pleas. We truly believed that when the people and the DMV saw the extreme tremors in his hands that they would deny him a new license. We were counting on not having to bring this issue to a battle of the wills. Instead, the people there noted his tremors and even expressed concern that he might not be able to respond well to situations that inevitably happen when we drive. He assured them that he was still great behind the wheel and so they reluctantly renewed his license one more time. 

What bothers me most about this situation is that my father-in-law seems to know that he should not be driving. He gets my husband to take him places whenever he can but still sometimes makes treks across town by himself on crowded freeways where anything can happen. He was quite nervous before he left for his appointment with the DMV. Much like a child would do he grabbed a baseball cap before going out the door and announced that maybe the hat would impress the people who would decide his fate. 

At that moment I knew that he needs to surrender his keys forever. I have spoken about this many times but my pleas have been ignored. My anxiety over this situation grows with each day because I know that in addition to his tremors, his mind is not as sharp as it once was. He forgets things and often seems lost. His neighbors have expressed grave concerns when they see him driving up to his house. They truly worry about his safety, but I also worry about the safety of other people on the road with him. An accident has the potential to not just hurt him, but also some innocent. I believe that a really wise older person would know that it is time to hang up the keys. 

I am incredibly disappointed that in essence the state of Texas has now told him that there is not reason why he should not drive. I expect talking him into doing the right thing will become incredibly difficult. My daughters are also concerned and thought that one look at how shaky and frail he is would lead to an official to ban him ever driving again.

In today’s world there is little reason for someone to attempt to keep driving when their capabilities begin to be compromised. We have enough people in the family to take care of any desire that my father-in-law has to get somewhere. Not only that, but he can secure an Uber ride at any time of day or night and he has more than enough funds to pay for such a thing. I have grandchildren who have drivers’ licenses but do not have access to cars at their universities. They manage to get around and do whatever they need to do without ever getting behind the wheel of a car. It is not a necessity for my father-in-law at this point in his life. 

I admit that I have had to battle with unreasonable parents for many years now. First came my mother whose bipolar disorder lead her to do very dangerous things. We had to take away her car which she did not like until she realized that she was always able to get anywhere she wanted to be. Then we forced her to move from her home when she was forgetting to turn off the stove and setting things on fire. We also had to force her to see her doctors and take her meds. It was a very uncomfortable time but out of love we did these things for her.

I believed that the struggles with my mother evolved from her mental illness. Now that we are having similar issues with my father-in-law I understand that it is mostly a matter of a person not wanting to lose control. I know it is difficult to endure life changing situations but the fact is that my husband and I have had to change the way we live for the last year and a half as well. Nothing about the present situation is perfect but we my sacrifices here and there out of love. 

I will continue to work on my father-in-law and help him to understand that I would not bother to nag him about the dangers of driving if I did not love him. I don’t like being bossy but I know from my years in the classroom that sometimes we have to take control of a situation for everyone’s safety. I’m happy that my father-in-law is feeling so good that he wants to get around and I’ll be glad to get him wherever he wants to be. I just think that it is time for him to see the wisdom in giving up his keys. He is a sweet and reasonable man who surely must know that the time has come.

I write about this not to embarrass my father-in-law but because I would like to urge those who read my blogs to be wise enough to know when it is time to make significant changes and to do so without argument. My grandfather managed to adapt to change and I believe it is actually one of the reasons that he lived so long. It is certainly the reason that we all admired him so much. So I have made a pledge on this day that I will listen to my children and grandchildren and respect their motives enough that I will do as they wish. I trust that they will only want to make changes that are best for me. I am not afraid of a King Lear syndrome coloring their reason. When it is time I will honor their requests. I think it is something that we should all consider doing. It would demons a great act of love.

Each of us experience grief in our lives, some more than others. Each of us respond to grief in different ways. Some keep emotions inside and walk around with a stiff upper lips. Others let their emotions flow freely. Few of us learn how to overcome those moments when we long for the people who are forever gone. 

I was eight years old when my father died in nineteen fifty seven. Back then few people thought that children had complex emotions. It was assumed that I would get over the loss quickly and without any problems. I was young and the adults believe that my feelings were probably not as deep as those of my mother and grandmother who both fell apart when they learned of my father’s death. The focus of those who came to our home was on my mother as it most certainly should have been. My brothers and I were sent outside to play with the children. Adult things were going on inside the house that they did not want us to see.

I hid my own grief deep inside my soul. I watched my mother dissolve from a pillar of strength into a puddle of unmitigated sorrow. She was hardly able to walk or concentrate on a conversation. She spent most of her time lying prostrate on her bed away from the well meaning crowd that had gathered in our living room. Through swollen red eyes she stared into the abyss as though she had somehow left the reality of the situation. 

My aunts became the caretakers of me and my younger brothers who were ages five and two. They spoke to us in cheery voices as though they believed that we were incapable of understanding what had happened. They kept all talk light and brief, catering mostly to our basic needs. It fell to our cousins and neighborhood kids to talk about how we were feeling. They wondered aloud that I seemed to be acting too normal given the circumstances. They did not seem to understand that I was trying to be brave for my mother and my brothers. I felt the weight of responsibility hovering over me. In some ways my childhood days seemed to be over. I would have to be more serious and reliable from that day forward. I pushed my grief as far down into my psyche as I was able. The tears only came at night when I was all alone in my bed. 

I did not want to be a bother to anyone, especially my mother. I wanted more than ever to make my father proud of me, to prove that his faith in me was deserved. I began a long journey of appearing to be fine, of being strong. Only a chosen few friends knew that I felt like a freak. I needed to talk about the emotions that were strangling me because I did not understand them. How could anyone have known what I was feeling when I had become the model daughter, student, friend? I longed to be free to claim the thoughts that so confused me but nobody seemed to realize how deeply I had been impacted by my father’s death. They changed the subject whenever I attempted to tell them how I was really feeling.

I suppose that I fell deeply in love with my husband Mike when we were dating and he shared with me his grief over losing his grandmother. As he spoke of how important she had been to him and broke down in sobs I knew that he was someone in whom I might confide my own unspoken sorrow. We openly talked about our feelings and felt a kind of relief that had been denied us by well meaning adults who had underestimated the profound ability to love that even children have. Finally someone was genuinely understanding how deeply I had been affected when my father died. 

As a society we have come a long way in acknowledging that traumas like death affect even the youngest among us. We no longer devalue the feelings of children in times of sorrow. In fact, we now know that their confusion over the loss of loved ones is so profound that they are unable to express the depth of their pain. Their grief may take the form of anger or disobedience or withdrawal. They become difficult annoyances and nobody knows what to do with them. They need counseling to overcome the confusion that rages like a storm inside of them. They need to know that their feelings are normal.

I suppose that there are some who would tell me to get over my father’s death and just quit talking about it as though it happened last week instead of decades ago. They do not realize that once I opened my heart to Mike I felt myself beginning to heal. I found the person I had been on the day before the tragedy of my father’s accident. As I talked about my love for father and the great void that I had felt in his absence I found my way out of the dark tunnel where I had felt so lost. It was a process that took years but I finally learned how to be unafraid. 

I suppose that I was attracted to a career focused on children because I understand how vulnerable they are. We have to listen to them and acknowledge their feelings without judgement. They need reassurance that the demons who visit them at night can be chased away by not ignoring them. We must listen to them and let them know that they will never be alone. Their minds are as capable of grief as those of adults. We would do well to listen to how they are feeling. 

We each handle death and sorrows individually but the hurt that we are feeling is universal. I choose to speak often of the tragedy of my father’s death because in many ways it determined the trajectory of my life. Decades later I am not stuck in a never ending loop of grief, but I have instead learned how to admit to the years of longing and confusion that I tried so desperately to hide. I did that so well that many of the people that I knew back then had no idea that my father had died. I was a popular girl, an excellent student, a person with a perennial smile plastered on my face. I had succeeded in masking the storm that was raging in my mind, but I knew that I needed help. When I found someone who would listen, I let loose with a conversation that continues to this day. I want everyone to know how good it is to find someone with whom to share our fears. It is never too late to heal. 

I’m okay and I want you to be okay. We need to speak of the troubles that inhabit our souls. Find that person who is willing to help you let it all out without recrimination. You will only begin the journey to emotional health when you are able to express how you are feeling without apology. The world would be so much better if each of us learned how to express the feelings that worry us. Embrace the grief and heal.