I once attended a multi-day training that has stuck with me for all time. The instructor ended the course by telling us that if we left with only one idea from her three day marathon is should be to always assume the best about people. She noted that when we assume the best we are usually right. Only after getting proof that someone’s intentions were morally wrong do we need to confront them with our disappointment and perhaps even anger or punishment. When we rush to judgement and accuse someone of acts or feelings that they never had it is always difficult to put back the pieces of our relationship.
Her advice was to curb the emotions of a difficult moment before jumping to conclusions that may or may not be true, whatever the situation may be. Assuming the best about people provides a cooling off period and demonstrates respect for the person whose words or actions may have bothered us. Taking the time to find out what prompted the behaviors that seemed wrong may reveal that no bad intent was behind them. Instead it may have been simply the result of a badly phrased sentence or a misunderstanding.
These days, perhaps because of social media or differing ways of expressing ourselves, it is not at all uncommon for the words someone writes down or says out loud to come across as completely different from what they meant. Nonetheless society often seems to be on the prowl to look for a slip of the tongue, a wrong word used in the wrong context. We all too often hold someone accountable for a single badly worded statement. People are banished from jobs, groups and friendships for a slip of the tongue when they should be allowed to explain that’s not what they meant at all.
We’ve all had those moments when the process of searching for the right way to express what we were thinking suddenly sounded irreverent or ignorant or even vile. We may or may not have had thoughts that matched what came from our mouths. Instead we may have only misfired with the words we chose to use in the hurry of the moment. In retrospect if given the chance we might have been able to explain more clearly what we had been trying to say. It is quite sad when we are held to a moment of frustration or momentary inability to find the words that would have mediated our thoughts and feelings more appropriately.
I watch famous people being roasted over hot coals for saying something too quickly that irritates people. As general rule we tend to expect such individuals to always maintain perfection in the statements that they make. I would argue that few of us are ever able to avoid missteps in our utterances, so why would we expect more from others just because they are constantly in the limelight? The truth is that always being in the public sphere makes it more likely to eventually end up saying things that trigger ridicule or anger.
Society jumps on those gotcha moments especially when they already dislike a person’s lifestyle or beliefs. Even the smallest omission or slip of the tongue becomes fodder for headlines and sometimes even the destruction of careers. If only we began with the assumption that person was not purposely trying to raise our ire, we might get more reasoned explanations for what they have said.
The other problem is that all too often attempts to derail individual speech is purposeful pursuit. Questions are directed at forcing someone to say something that with incite criticism. Interrogators pounce on even the smallest sign of weakness or even omission. Most of the time such situations result more from the pressures of having to speak quickly and without consideration of how best to express certain feelings or ideas. Off the cuff responses to trouble laden questions can be akin to walking through a field littered with landmines and it is generally unfair.
Sadly it has become more common to assume the worst about people from the start rather than assuming the best and then probing to find out what the truth actually is. Little wonder that we have so few who wish to be public figures and leaders. In today’s toxic environment expressing ideas with which people disagree might lead to doxing, threats and even violence. Such an atmosphere is not conducive to freedom and democracy and well-being. It does not work in private life either. Thus the growth of counseling services in which trained therapists literally teach people how to get along.
Not long ago I wrote a blog expressing my frustration with the current attitudes of so many people across the globe. Someone who reads my offerings commented that he still believes that most people are good and have nothing but the best intentions with what the say and do. I also believe that is true and for that reason I always try to assume the best whenever I witness someone seeming to struggle with words or actions. Our relationships with each other are so delicate and so important. it’s up to us to dedicate ourselves to keeping them strong. It begins by having faith that the people around us mostly have good intentions. We should always believe that until the evidence shows that real evil is in our midst. Assuming the best is an act of confidence that the offending person was just having a bad day. Who among us does not reach that point now and again? Hopefully others around us will assume the best.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 