Human relationships have always been complex. In any society we humans have to determine ways in which we will be able to get along peacefully with one another. Historically this has never been an easy task because each of us is unique and also somewhat the same. We have basic needs but also dreams of self actualization. Historically our sexual differences often determined what kind of life we might live. The men who were physically stronger went hunting for food and the women whose bodies bore children kept the fires burning at home while tending to the offspring. 

Of course we hear of cultures in which women took a leading role but more often than not traditions grew around the idea that the men would provide the means for survival and the women would raise the children. While there are historical examples of females who broke away from such conventions, for the most part girls grew up learning how to play secondary more submissive roles. Often there was little need for them to be well educated in order to perform their duties in the communities in which they found themselves. While they may have had bigger dreams those kind of thoughts were often suppressed by the realities of their situations. 

In the not so long ago women like my two grandmothers. were illiterate in the ways of formal learning but brilliant in folk traditions handed down to them by centuries of women learning how to survive in a world that mostly saw them as lesser beings. Even the women of my mother’s generation mostly used the knowledge garnered from their public educations to be helpmates to their husbands, denying their own intellectual potential to focus on his. Like most Baby Boomer girls I grew up for a time in a household filled with unspoken but understood traditional values. it would be my father whose career would determine where and how we would live. My mother’s role was to help him to achieve his goals, to support him in his needs. While she appeared to be quite happy in her status, she was sorely unprepared for the challenges that she would face upon his death at a very young age. Thankfully she possessed the intelligence and resolve to adapt quickly to her new reality. 

I was on the cutting edge of a feminist revolution. By the time I met my future husband and the two of us were discussing a life together there was a clear understanding between us that ours would be a mutually equal partnership. Our lives would not be ruled by one person or the other. We would have to work together to help each other achieve very separate dreams beginning with the agreement that we would control the number of children that we would have together. I knew that I did not want to rely solely on the serendipity of my fertility to determine how large my family would be. Human inventiveness provided me with a way to be able to decide whether or not I would have babies and how many of them I would be able to handle and still develop my career potential. I was part of a revolution for women that would bring them to the highest places in the world of work. 

Suddenly the family process of deciding how to share the many aspects and duties of a lifetime relationship were more complex than ever and they have become even more so as the children and grandchildren of Boomers have come of age in the world. The new freedom to give everyone a say in how they wish to live and thrive presents its own set of challenges. Humans have so many choices in how to live that it can be daunting to decide what that will be for each person. Relationships have become balancing acts of many cultures, religious beliefs, traditions, levels of education and personalities. Agreeing on where and how to live demands respect and compromises that are bound to create conflict and uncertainty unless the two people making such decisions are fully dedicated to the proposition of mutual support in creating a family unit. 

Complicating every relationship will be outside forces and changes beyond the control of either member of the couple. Life is never static and surprises have a way of changing the direction of even the most carefully considered plans. Nobody thinks about responsibilities that alter the course of pledges to love, honor and cherish one another till death do they part. Sometimes the dreams that brought two people together slip away into simply navigating the realities of the situation. Tragedies happen that test us all the time. 

We don’t talk to our children enough about the art of building strong and enduring relationships. They mostly learn by watching us and then they meet people from very different backgrounds and have to experiment in melding their lives with others mostly on the fly. We would do well to talk with them openly about the art of honestly expressing who they are and what they feel that they need. More importantly is showing them the importance of being themselves while also keeping the needs of a partner satisfied in a balance of mutual respect. 

Communication is always the key to a good relationship. Being honest about our feelings without tearing down the other person is essential. As humans we will find ourselves in conflict even with those that we most love. Developing an environment of honesty and respect and not allowing third parties to intrude is critical to the health of the union over time. Domination of one person over the other never works. 

We humans are still working on developing close and enriching relationships with one another. It may be the most difficult thing that we do but if we approach the process with an openness and willingness to treasure each other in both our agreements and our differences we will experience the joy of finding a special person who brings out the very best in us while we bring out the best in them. Happily I see evidence that as a society we are getting better at developing equal partnerships in which no one person matters more than another. That is a very good thing but we must be careful not take our progress for granted. We still have to work hard to keep our relationships thriving. Having a partner in life who fully understands us and helps us to always feel free to be ourselves should never be taken for granted.