There are all kinds of stories these days about an of epidemic of depression and anxiety creeping into every corner of the world. For various reasons more and more people are feeling isolated and lonely, leading to feelings of alienation from the rest of society. Mental health experts tell us that relationships outside of the home are critical for our wellbeing. Sadly polls indicate that more and more people have a sense that nobody really cares about them, leading to hopelessness, anger, thoughts of suicide or violence. 

While most of us have a sense that something is going very wrong in the world of today, we have been unable to agree on how to address the mounting suffering of individuals who feel broken and unnoticed. Because most of us are untrained in the science of counseling and treating people with chronic mental health problems we all too often only offer platitudes and prayers for those suffering from an overwhelming sense of darkness. We push them to get out of the house or make suggestions that only touch the surface of their feelings. They need professional help and for the most part it is not easy to find. 

As a society we celebrate constantly on social media and in public giving the impression that life really is a bowl of cherries and cheerfulness. For someone whose mental state is deteriorating it can feel as though the whole world is happy while they only feel a sense of darkness and sorrow. To a certain extent the very modern resources that bring information into our homes can wind up being a purveyor of doom for a person who is not the recipient of the magnificent lifestyles that we boast about in our photos and commentaries. All those happy faces and descriptions of trips and celebrations can bear down on those whose lives are complicated by mental difficulties. Their loneliness punctuates their anxiety and a dangerous cycle of distorted feelings cycles over and over in their heads. 

Complicating the issues of depression is the reality that it is difficult to be around someone in that state of mind. Depressed individuals are often avoided, left alone because we don’t know how to react to the darkness that seems to follow them. It is hard to sit in a room with someone who has gone so deeply inward that they can’t see joy or light and yet the very act of avoiding them only lends credence to their feelings of loneliness and sorrow. 

As a general rule we humans tend to push away people who steal our joy. We often avoid confronting problems in favor of artificially creating good times. When someone confesses to being depressed we really don’t know how to act when most of the time all we need to do is allow that person to talk about the very real feelings that are bringing them down without attempting to persuade them to stay calm and carry on. We might do better if we help them to legitimize their feelings of the moment. We all have times when we are so grief stricken that we want to curse the universe. When people suggest that we push those feelings away and count our blessing we feel deficient and even crazy. The cycle of darkness increases as others try to talk us out of the pain that grips us. 

Someone I know recently spoke of how depressed she is. She has been experiencing an illness that has drastically limited what she is able to do. She is normally an energetic soul who spends her days completing many tasks that she enjoys. She doesn’t like crowds of people but nonetheless has fun being part of the world as an appreciative spectator. Because she has been sick she is now mostly confined to her home. She is unable to do most of the things that make her the happiest. Her doctors tell her that she may or may not return to her healthy self once again. She is in the process of attempting to adjust to her new reality and she is frightened and angry which makes her sad most of the time. She does not want pity and she is determined to get better but right now she just desires that people will understand how and why she is feeling so despondent. Unwanted advice only makes her situation worse. 

I sat with her and listened. I hugged her and held her hand. I did not try to argue her out of her doldrums. I gave her a moment to justify her feelings because I saw that she was wrestling mentally with herself. It was difficult to see her in such a state but I knew that she needed an ally, a person who would help her to see that her feelings were a normal reaction to the illness that is stealing so much from her. She did not want to be told how to make things better. She only needed to describe the horror of how she was feeling. I in turn needed to really hear what she had to say and to decide how important it will be for me to stay in touch with her no matter how difficult it will be to hear about her unhappiness. 

We often adopt what I call the Disneyland way of living. When troubles arise we move into a pretend kind of world. We ratchet up the fun and escape mechanism that keep us from facing reality. We avoid any form of unpleasantness to convince ourselves that all is well when it really is not. We leave people to be isolated and alienated. 

We all know someone who is having a difficult time. We know how hard it will be to embrace them in their moment of darkness, but we have to try. They may need deeper professional help but our attention to what they have to say might be just the beginning they need to end the suffering from isolation and alienation that stalks them.  All we need do is to be present in their lives.