A few weeks ago I read a newspaper article about a series of seven student suicides at a small private college in Massachusetts. The tragedies took place in the 2021/2022 academic year when the world was still coping with the pandemic. Before that year the school had only witnessed two student suicides over the course of its history which dates back to the nineteenth century. Suddenly the faculty and students were overwhelmed with the fear of wondering which student might next choose to take his or her life.
The administrators and professors at the school created a task force designed to determine how to deal with the shocking situation. Their analytical skills were used to determine what factors were leading to the unusual outbreak of student suicide that was rocking the very foundations of the institute.
Professor Jean King, Dean of Arts and Sciences and a professor of Biology noted that “stress becomes toxic and resilience becomes harder when the stressor is random.” If we humans are in a constant state of uncertainty about the world and our personal lives it can become difficult to maintain a sense of balance and mental health. When we add the element of isolation and loneliness to the mix as was often the case during the many months when Covid dominated the world, the pain becomes so unbearable that people sometimes lost hope. Why suicide became almost infectious at the college is still unknown but with great effort the faculty eventually stemmed the tide of death by working hard to take notice of every student with whom they had contact.
I fully understand the concept of dealing with random stressors. At the dawn of 2020 I was feeling optimistic even as I worried about the health and well being of family members in the back of my mind. My husband and I had planned a trip to Scotland in May. Two of my grandsons were set to graduate from high school. I was able to plan for the coming joys and still be alert to the needs of individuals in my family and circle of friends who were dealing with consequential difficulties. I had a false sense of being in control that was about to be shattered.
For a time I navigated the weeks and then months of wearing masks and mostly staying at home with a kind of self congratulation. I adapted to grocery pick-ups and then Instacart to keep my contact with others at a minimum. I knew that I would have to be in direct contact with my ninety something father-in-law and his wife. I did not want to be careless and bring the virus to them, especially before they had been vaccinated. I learned how to deliver my math lessons by Zoom and even “visit” with my family and friends. I made of game of the situation even as I watched braver friends continuing to get together in person. My sacrifice of staying at home was a source of both pride and sorrow as I missed the weddings of two of my nephews and seemed to drift more and more out of touch with people who had always been so important to me. While they moved on, I was faithful to my pledge to stay virus free so that I might nurture those who were in grave danger if they caught Covid.
I was ecstatic when the danger finally seemed to evaporate. I was determined to rejoin society with gusto but nothing was like it had once been. So many of my friends and relatives had moved on from me. They assumed that I would continue to turn down invitations and so few were forthcoming. Even my attempts to create events tended to fall through. The world felt so strange to me. At times it seemed as though I was walking through my new life only as an observer without any real human contact other than with my husband and my children.
Just when things began to feel somewhat normal again my world went into a state of random chaos. Two of the aunts whom I had not seen since the beginning of the pandemic died. It was devastating not to be able to say goodbye to them. A favorite cousin died as well. My father-in-law was rushed into emergency surgery on the day that his wife died and then caught Covid and almost joined her in heaven. He came to recuperate in our home and has lived here ever since. A cousin suddenly developed dementia and died within months. My husband almost died after a routine heart procedure. My sister-in-law endured a serious injury while on a cruise that has threatened to take her sight. I injured my foot and ankle just before Christmas and had to hobble around with a medical boot.
Suddenly I understood the concept of random stressors. As long as I felt a sense of control over my life I managed to adapt like a pro. I remained optimistic even as the whole world was pounded with suffering and death. When my hopes of a happy ending to the pandemic were dashed one by one a sense of aloneness in dealing with my challenges momentarily overwhelmed me. I literally panicked and began to feel as though my challenges would never end.
I did a lot of crying and self pitying for a time until I literally witnessed people with far greater problems than my own. I was able to pull myself back from the edge of despair. Nonetheless I fully understand how much more significant stress can be when it feels random and even unfair. Just when I was about to reenter the world with a grand flourish it felt as though an invisible hand had pulled me back into a state of uncertainty.
I know that I will be fine. I’m willing to talk about my anxieties and work on dealing with them in constructive ways. I fully understand that even on my worst days my woes are minuscule compared to others that I know and some that I witness from far away. I’ll be signing up to talk with a counselor and I will share my worries with people who seem to understand me. Ultimately I will be fine. I’m a survivor from long ago. I’ll learn how to let some things go.
Still I suspect that there are people among us who are feeling as though their lives are somehow worthless. They have been crushed by the world and don’t know how to free themselves. We would do well to notice them and attempt to help them find reasons to continue with us on this rollercoaster journey. They may be reaching out without our notice. They may be trying to hang on by a thread. Look for them. Let them know that you care.
The faculty at the college in Massachusetts actively worked to save their students from suicide. The deaths stopped. The sun rose again. There is energy and optimism on campus that exists because everyone made it a priority. We can’t stop the randomness of stress but we can adjust how we deal with it both in our own lives and in the lives of others. Life is messy and sometimes we need to step over the garbage and just give someone else a hug.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 