Two years ago my father-in-law walked into our home using a walker. After losing his wife, enduring a major surgery, catching Covid and spending six weeks in various hospitals and rehab centers He was barely able to shuffle to the room we had prepared for him. I would be lying if I said that I imagined him growing stronger and thriving better than ever two years later. In fact I somehow assumed that he would be gone before a year had passed. Instead he is lively and still going strong with some memory loss and an inability to maneuver safely through a crowd.
While my father-in-law looks great for a ninety-five year old he still has many difficulties that make it impossible for him to live alone. His essential tremors are such that he cannot open boxes or cans or containers without help and many ordinary tasks are impossible with his shaky hands. He also gets confused about dates and his medications so my husband religiously keeps his pill minder up to date. We have a system for insuring that my father-in-law gets his medications at the proper time each day.
We have had a few heated discussions about driving with my father-in-law as well. He managed to convince the state of Texas to renew his license when he turned ninety-five to our incredible dismay. He still thought himself capable of driving across town to his home until something changed and he began to insist that my husband drive him on such journeys. Now he only takes a spin in his car down to the CVS which is only a few miles away on a thirty mile per hour road. I still maintain that he should permanently turn over his keys but for now those short and infrequent drives with have to suffice as a compromise.
For the most part my father-in-law gives the impression of being totally capable of caring for himself but that is mostly because my husband and I quietly take care of all of the different daily routines that are troublesome for him. Now his days consist of rising between eight thirty and nine in the morning, eating breakfast, taking his pills, and signing on to his computer where he entertains himself for most of the day. I keep him supplied with the apples, oranges, peaches and fruit that he snacks on between meals. I also make sure that he is stocked with plenty of the Glucerna that he drinks everyday. I launder his clothes, clean his room and cook for him. In addition to using his computer most of the time, he spends fifteen to thirty minutes walking at a slow pace on the treadmill and joins us for dinner and conversation and maybe a television program or two each evening
We have taken him to visit our daughter in the San Antonio area but such outings tend to wear him down. He comes back home looking the worse for wear. He is a creature of habit and changes of any kind throw him off balance, so we keep him happy by ensuring that we will meet his daily needs. All in all it might seem to be a rather easy routine to follow but as the months pass by we ourselves become more and more homebound because we know that he cannot be left alone for more than a few hours or so. We have to plan very carefully just to go out with friends.
The point of all of my descriptors is to admit that taking on an elderly man at our own late stage in life is much more mentally and physically difficult than most people might imagine. Over the past two years I have found myself being in awe of friends who cared for someone in their homes for multiple years. The unrelenting routines, concerns and isolation can be devastating. Sometimes it indeed feels like a very lonely task even as we have made it manageable for now.
Then there is the worry about what may potentially happen as more time passes. The reality is that nobody in our home is going to get better. All of us are aging and losing bits of our stamina from one year to the next. I have to work hard to control the scenarios that run through my mind, especially when my husband and I develop health scares of our own. When I was juggling three different health issues that slowed me down I felt panicky wondering what we were going to do in the event that we all became in need of help.
I have learned that the role of caretaker is far more difficult than it may appear from afar, even when the person being monitored appears to be as independent as my father-in-law does. While he may seem perfectly capable, he is not, and the never ending vigilance can become exhausting even as we know that it is something that we must do.
There are times when I feel downright ugly. I miss the trips that my husband and I used to take and I resent that I am being held down during the years when I should still be traveling and enjoying the freedom of retirement. We have not used our trailer in two years. It sits waiting for us to take a spin down the road that we dare not take lest something dire happen to my father-in-law while we are gone. We only managed to travel to Maine last summer because my daughter and grandson were available to watch over my father-in-law in our absence. This year it has been difficult to find anyone with the time to step in so that we might plan a little vacation. Hiring a professional is out of the question for now because my father-in-law insists that he does not want a stranger around the house. So for the moment we are simply marching in place.
I am presently reading multiple books about caretaking. I know that our situation could be far worse. I try to focus on the moments we we are talking and laughing together or enjoying a cup of frozen yogurt on a warm day. I know that we are not alone, in fact more than ever before there are elderly people being watched by family members all over the nation. From now on when I hear of such a situation I am going to be more inclined to offer to somehow help. I now know how difficult the long days of being mostly homebound can be. I appreciate those who do such things with an optimistic smile. Taking care of an adult is no easy job.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 