Month: August 2024

When my brother, Mike, was a little baby he often became ill. I was not more than four years old but I still have a memory of my mother rocking him while he made a funny sound when he breathed. I would later find out that he suffered from asthma when I asked why our family doctor came so often to our home. Luckily he seemed to outgrow his childhood affliction or at least know how to control it. He became an avid outdoorsman hiking and running for miles. More than anything he loved to travel, often sleeping in a tent or later in his RV with his family as he journeyed across the world. 

Of late Mike and his wife have both been plagued by illnesses and accidents that have left them unable to get too far from home, at least for now. Their once active lives have slowed down. Their adventures mostly involve visits to doctors and exercise programs designed to help them return to a better state of health. What amazes me the most is how optimistically philosophical my dear brother is about his current situation. Instead of holding a pity party for himself he is creating ways to enjoy the slower pace of his life. He finds contentment in sleeping late, reading his many books, revelling in the quiet and undemanding environment that has defined his world for many months now. 

I admire my brother’s chill attitude because I struggle when I have to curtail my active life for any reason. Of late there seem to be a whole passel of things holding me back and I am admittedly not happy about it all. Since my vacation last August I’ve been plagued with one issue after another that has kept me mostly inside the four walls of my home. Admittedly I have a much more  difficult time finding comfort in may fate than my brother, and I actually wish that I might find it easier to adjust my attitude to fit the moment. 

I suppose my decent into a kind of self pity began when my husband’s theoretically easy heart procedure went south and led to some very dire and frightening moments. Of course he was soon declared safe but the past year has seen us making the rounds of one doctor after another in an effort to make certain that he will stay well. 

In the meantime I have had my own battles, minor as they actually are. I injured my leg and my foot at Christmas time and then suddenly developed high blood pressure. At least two months went by before my doctors found the secret formula of medications to return me to a nice even pressure for my heart. Then a regular mammogram turned into a scare that led to a biopsy that also turned out okay. Just when I thought that my little trials were over I developed incredibly painful spasms in my back that took me to the emergency room twice. Happily all ended well and I was looking forward to a small vacation, but that too fell apart when my father-in-law developed an impaction and had to be rushed to the hospital. 

When my father-in-law finally came home he was weak and relegated to a special diet. More importantly it became apparent to me and my husband that leaving him alone while we traveled was out of the question for now, and maybe for a very long time. Of course I secretly sulked, only revealing my true feelings to a dear friend and one of my daughters. Later I felt awful for being so selfish, especially when I hear my brother rhapsodizing about the loveliness of being homebound. 

I have been to so many wonderful places and had more than one “trip of a lifetime.” I should not be so cranky about having to stay home for a time. In truth it has not been so bad. It’s just that I seem to take after my father who always had a kind of Wanderlust. He’d get a faraway look in his eyes and we new that a vacation or even a long distance move was in the offing. He was determined to see all of the United States and most of the world. By the age of thirty who was well on his way to achieving that goal. I suppose that it was somehow fitting that he would die in his car returning home from a trip to the ocean. 

My brother is like my mother who found contentment in whatever state life presented to her. She got as much of a kick out of a trip to the store for ice cream as traveling to far away places. She had a knack for finding happiness that appears to have been passed down to my brother, but not so much to me. I’m always antsy, always dreaming about the next trip, but at the same time I am attempting to change my ways. I know that this moment and this life is temporary and I would do well to find joy in even the small moments of each day. I have to remind myself that my leg and foot have healed, my blood pressure is normal again, my back is not causing me pain, I did not have breast cancer, my husband’s heart is working, my father-in-law received the treatments he needed. How can I not be ecstatic over that? Why would I wallow in a pity party over being tied to my home for an indefinite amount of time.

I reveal these things because I suspect that many people that I know and even more that I do not know are struggling with seemingly insurmountable issues. I want them to know that I understand their fears and their moments of grief or loneliness or concern that life will never again be quite the same. Then I would tell them to be like my brother and attempt to find one thing each day that feels beautiful and wonderful. It may be so small that it is difficult to even notice, but in discovering it they will be able to move forward one more day. 

Some people are so good at being like my brother. I congratulate them for their positive spirits. I’m doing my best to become more like them. I can ignore that siren that is calling me to the mountains and just close my eyes to visualize what I have already seen. The memories of my trips are so crystal clear that I can remember every vivid minute. For now that should be all I need to calm the itch.  

Los Angeles is the second largest city in the United States with close to four million people. Way back in the early part of the twentieth century it was little more than a small town with a water problem, but enterprising real estate salesmen and creative engineers found ways to divert water from other parts of California to LA. Thus began one of the most unlikely stories of development in all of the United States. What should have been viewed more as a kind of desert town became a mecca for people dreaming of a better life in a sunny environment. Sadly the continued growth and the droughts in other parts of the state and the country now threaten to one day leave the boom town without enough water to quench the thirst of its many people. 

Such are similar stories all over the world where years of drought have left large swaths of population in danger of dry wells, fires and little of the wet stuff that all people need to survive. Phoenix, Arizona and its surrounding areas are another such place. During the westward movement of the population of the United States people mostly drove their wagons past the seemingly dry land of Arizona searching instead for greener pastures. More recently Arizona has seen rapid growth in population with residential and business areas cropping up like weeds at the same time that water has become more and more scarce. Already there are abandoned neighborhoods sitting on parched land looking like scenes from a dystopian science fiction movie. In truth, we are stressing our rivers and wells and aquifers expecting to have more water for our needs than nature is able to produce. It is an increasingly anxious battle to keep faucets running even as we seem to ignore the signs that we have to be more conscious of conserving our resources of water. 

Water has had a metaphorical and mystical effect throughout the history of humankind. The development of civilizations depended on water. Cities were built around rivers and lakes. People saw water as a source of life itself, a cleansing, cooling, nourishing necessity. We baptize people with water. We have holy water to remind us of God. The Bible tells us of Jesus walking on water and the apostles being fishers of men. When a disaster or pandemic threatens us we rush out to purchase water lest our faucets won’t operate. The importance of water is inestimable and yet we generally take it for granted until it is tainted or no longer available. We don’t spend nearly enough time talking about how our own actions create many of the problems that we face with the scarcity of water. We grumble and complain if someone suggests ways to use less water instead of volunteering to do our parts.

Who wants the lawn to grow in “No Mow May” knowing that our neighbors may complain or the HOA may fine us for letting the grass become overgrown and unsightly? Most of us see a rock filled lawn as being stark and ugly even as we watch the water from our sprinklers intended for our lawns running down the driveway into the gutter. We fill our pools and take long showers. We fill our sinks with water that we barely use. We believe that rain will surely come, especially in places like the one where I live that are more likely to see floods than drought. Why should we worry about later when everything is working well now? We argue that even if all of the discussion of Climate Change and Global Warming is true, isn’t it supposed to happen in 2050? Why should we stress over it now?

I’m one of those souls who is a planner. It’s in my nature. I want to have not just a Plan A but others that stretch all the way to Plan Z. I hope that I will never have to use all of the ways to get past the scenarios that I imagine, but I don’t want to get caught without a strategy for surviving even the most horrific situation. So I have bug out bags and stores of food supplies. My tendency to overthink the possibilities stood me in good stead when people were scrambling for necessities in the early days of Covid. I was ready with masks and medical supplies and non perishable foods. The one area that I have still not considered enough is how to deal with the changing nature of climate. I struggle with being fully prepared for a natural disaster, a catastrophe of epic proportions. 

We can all do things before the worst happens but the clock is ticking and time is running out. Already this summer over a thousand people died in the extreme heat at Mecca during the annual pilgrimage of Muslims from all over the world. We now need to take into account heat when planning outside events but we can also take measures to insure that the earth slows its heating. That means moving away from fossil fuels, switching to electric cars, creating electricity with alternate sources like solar panels or nuclear power. We should be awarding innovative scientists and engineers who create systems that allow us to enjoy life without destroying our planet. We need to treasure our earth and all learn what it needs to heal and grow strong again. 

If we ignore our responsibility in literally changing the ecosystems of the earth then the future will surely be incredibly difficult for future generations. It should always be our goal to leave a better place for them than the one that we found. We must never be so cavalier that we do not care about every person on the planet both now and in the future. We must treasure our water and treat it like the precious commodity it is by using it as sparingly as possible. We can do this but only if we all cooperate in a spirit of unity and concern for one another. We must always remember that water is life!

It can sometimes seem as thought the whole world has become a horrible place to be. Mostly that is because the media specializes in featuring stories that rile up our emotions. We hear about the bad things that are happening rather than the everyday good moments that make life so wonderful. We can be overwhelmed with the bad news. The best aspects of life are all around us in small moments that bring smiles to our faces. We don’t have to look very far to find them, but we do have to turn off the constant barrage of negativity to notice them. 

Have you ever encountered a harried clerk in a store who seems so grumpy that you want to file a complaint against her or him? Before doing that stop to consider what might be causing that person to be so irritated. Instead of reacting to the negativity become a positive moment for them. Tell them how much you appreciate them or mention that it must be difficult dealing with crowds and ungrateful customers who don’t seem to understand how overwhelming the job of serving them can sometimes be. It’s amazing how a bit of understanding and a small compliment will change a person’s attitude almost instantly. Suddenly the two of you are laughing and smiling and wishing each other a good day. It feels good to bring cheer to someone who might otherwise spend the entire day being surly.

It may be just me, but I like nothing better than changing the linens on my bed and then diving into the fresh sheets at the end of the day. It is a feeling of absolute luxury that always leads to counting my blessings followed by a night of uninterrupted sleep. If I really want to make the scene perfection I don my prettiest and most comfortable pair of pajamas and sip on ginger tea before I settle in for my slumbers. It reminds me of my childhood when my mother tucked me in each night and told me how much she loved me. There is something so simple and yet so special about a nice clean and warm bed that brings a sense of safety and well being. 

As a teacher of low income students I often learned of a child who had no bed in which to slumber. It stunned me to hear of one of my pupils sleeping on a sofa each night or spending the night in the backseat of a car. I began to appreciate the seemingly small luxury of having my own bed with clean linens far more than I might once have done. 

I’ve also laughed with glee whenever I found money that I have forgotten I had. Maybe it was a few dollars tucked in the bottom of a purse that I had not used in awhile or a few coins under cushion of my favorite chair. It always feels like finding treasure regardless of how much is there. It’s like seeing a dime shining on the street. Bending down and putting it in my pocket seems like good luck, a little bit of positive adventure on an otherwise ordinary day. 

Even better is when I find something that I had thought was missing forever. Such it was with a lipstick that I purchased in Harrods in London. I wanted to be able to say that I had indeed bought something there but most of what I saw was ridiculously expensive. Suddenly I had the idea of purchasing an item from the cosmetic department. That is when I found a lovely shade of lipstick in a pretty tube that made my smile seem even brighter than usual. I carried it all the way back to my home across the pond only to later realize that I had somehow misplaced it. Years literally passed and I assumed that I had lost the lipstick somewhere in my routines. A few weeks ago I was tidying up my purses and noticed a lump in one of them. Digging deeply into the bottom I found the lipstick and celebrated as though I had discovered gold. Finding it brought back memories of that wonderful trip and the joys of sharing it with my brothers and their wives. Now I get a jolt of joy each time I run the color across my lips. 

As a child I often sat next to my father watching comedy shows on television. I remember him laughing so hard that his belly jiggled and his eyes twinkled. Since that moment I have loved the feeling of glee that comes from a good joke, a great story, or just the emotional high of being with friends. Laughter really is the best possible medicine for ailments of the mind and sometimes we just don’t get enough of it. Laughing clears my head of worrisome thoughts and soothes the aches and pains that I might be feeling. There are some people who have a gift for making me laugh and I love being around them. We can’t always be serious and dreary. Sometimes even in the most dire situation a good laugh breaks the tension and makes the moment a bit more bearable. 

Having time all to myself with no imminent responsibilities is another happiness maker that I often take the time to enjoy. Walking on a quiet path or just sitting in my upstairs room quietly watching the parade of people living life in my neighborhood brings a kind of contentment that invigorates me. I relish being outside tending my plants when nobody else is around. I love the sounds of the birds and the feeling of the sun kissing my face. I like to crumbling the dirt in my hands and enjoy the glorious colors of the flowers and the sky. It is a panacea that can’t be bought or sold and as simple as it seems it heals every hurt that I might be feeling.

Make a list of the small things that make you happy. Take the time to enjoy those moments when life feels overwhelming. It’s always the little bits of life that bring the most joy. Read a book, have a cup of coffee, call a friend, hug a neighbor. Reach out and find whatever makes you feel good. 

Two years ago my father-in-law walked into our home using a walker. After losing his wife, enduring a major surgery, catching Covid and spending six weeks in various hospitals and rehab centers He was barely able to shuffle to the room we had prepared for him. I would be lying if I said that I imagined him growing stronger and thriving better than ever two years later. In fact I somehow assumed that he would be gone before a year had passed. Instead he is lively and still going strong with some memory loss and an inability to maneuver safely through a crowd. 

While my father-in-law looks great for a ninety-five year old he still has many difficulties that make it impossible for him to live alone. His essential tremors are such that he cannot open boxes or cans or containers without help and many ordinary tasks are impossible with his shaky hands. He also gets confused about dates and his medications so my husband religiously keeps his pill minder up to date. We have a system for insuring that my father-in-law gets his medications at the proper time each day. 

We have had a few heated discussions about driving with my father-in-law as well. He managed to convince the state of Texas to renew his license when he turned ninety-five to our incredible dismay. He still thought himself capable of driving across town to his home until something changed and he began to insist that my husband drive him on such journeys. Now he only takes a spin in his car down to the CVS which is only a few miles away on a thirty mile per hour road. I still maintain that he should permanently turn over his keys but for now those short and infrequent drives with have to suffice as a compromise. 

For the most part my father-in-law gives the impression of being totally capable of caring for himself but that is mostly because my husband and I quietly take care of all of the different daily routines that are troublesome for him. Now his days consist of rising between eight thirty and nine in the morning, eating breakfast, taking his pills, and signing on to his computer where he entertains himself for most of the day. I keep him supplied with the apples, oranges, peaches and fruit that he snacks on between meals. I also make sure that he is stocked with plenty of the Glucerna that he drinks everyday. I launder his clothes, clean his room and cook for him. In addition to using his computer most of the time, he spends fifteen to thirty minutes walking at a slow pace on the treadmill and joins us for dinner and conversation and maybe a television program or two each evening 

We have taken him to visit our daughter in the San Antonio area but such outings tend to wear him down. He comes back home looking the worse for wear. He is a creature of habit and changes of any kind throw him off balance, so we keep him happy by ensuring that we will meet his daily needs. All in all it might seem to be a rather easy routine to follow but as the months pass by we ourselves become more and more homebound because we know that he cannot be left alone for more than a few hours or so. We have to plan very carefully just to go out with friends. 

The point of all of my descriptors is to admit that taking on an elderly man at our own late stage in life is much more mentally and physically difficult than most people might imagine. Over the past two years I have found myself being in awe of friends who cared for someone in their homes for multiple years. The unrelenting routines, concerns and isolation can be devastating. Sometimes it indeed feels like a very lonely task even as we have made it manageable for now. 

Then there is the worry about what may potentially happen as more time passes. The reality is that nobody in our home is going to get better. All of us are aging and losing bits of our stamina from one year to the next. I have to work hard to control the scenarios that run through my mind, especially when my husband and I develop health scares of our own. When I was juggling three different health issues that slowed me down I felt panicky wondering what we were going to do in the event that we all became in need of help. 

I have learned that the role of caretaker is far more difficult than it may appear from afar, even when the person being monitored appears to be as independent as my father-in-law does. While he may seem perfectly capable, he is not, and the never ending vigilance can become exhausting even as we know that it is something that we must do. 

There are times when I feel downright ugly. I miss the trips that my husband and I used to take and I resent that I am being held down during the years when I should still be traveling and enjoying the freedom of retirement. We have not used our trailer in two years. It sits waiting for us to take a spin down the road that we dare not take lest something dire happen to my father-in-law while we are gone. We only managed to travel to Maine last summer because my daughter and grandson were available to watch over my father-in-law in our absence. This year it has been difficult to find anyone with the time to step in so that we might plan a little vacation. Hiring a professional is out of the question for now because my father-in-law insists that he does not want a stranger around the house. So for the moment we are simply marching in place.

I am presently reading multiple books about caretaking. I know that our situation could be far worse. I try to focus on the moments we we are talking and laughing together or enjoying a cup of frozen yogurt on a warm day. I know that we are not alone, in fact more than ever before there are elderly people being watched by family members all over the nation. From now on when I hear of such a situation I am going to be more inclined to offer to somehow help. I now know how difficult the long days of being mostly homebound can be. I appreciate those who do such things with an optimistic smile. Taking care of an adult is no easy job.

When I was a child I had a cardboard box filled with items that I used for playing school. I sometimes had a difficult time convincing my friends to make believe with me because they were already in school and somehow using their free time to work math problems and take tests was not their idea of having fun. I on the other hand loved being a teacher. I even created report cards for my playtime students. I suppose you might say that I was destined to be a teacher even in my childhood. School was a place of joy and discovery for me. I enjoyed reading and learning even with the teachers that I did not especially like. Being a devoted student was something I was able to control after the chaos of losing my father. Somehow I needed to know that I was in charge of my own destiny and being in a school setting has always brought a sense of joy to me. 

Ultimately I chose educating young people as my profession. There were times when it was difficult and I had to work hard to keep my students engaged and moving forward in their academic progress. Even in the toughest years I knew that I had chosen the right career. In spite of the salary that did not come close to competing with other choices I might have made, the everyday excitement of watching young people grow in wisdom was reward enough for me. 

I retired on the day before my mother died. Ironically I had chosen to free up my time in order to care for her since she had been diagnosed with cancer. I spent a few months enjoying the freedom of not having any place to go and soon realized that I was already missing my interactions with students. Before long I was tutoring and then once again becoming a mathematics teacher for children who are homeschooled. Instead of taking vacations in the fall or spring, I have tied myself down to the school calendar just as I have done for so many years. Somehow it would not feel right to watch the children in my neighborhood riding off for school in August and not have anything to do with my age old tradition of greeting a new group of eager young faces hoping to learn about math while also admitting that it is not really their favorite subject. 

I’m old school in that I still use a traditional lesson planning book. I like to be able to jot down notes about what was right and what was wrong with my lessons as I go along. The computer is fine but I want to be able to instantly assess myself and my pupils with comments about each goal that I have created for a particular session. 

This year I will have a different challenge. I have some students who will be taking a Business Math class at a local community college. I have studied a synopsis of the curriculum and think that I may have to do some reviewing before feeling confident to help them if they run into trouble. I haven’t done much with statistics or linear programming for quite some time and I don’t want to be checking for information at the last minute. Everyone’s time is too valuable to waste while I brush up. So I have ordered some old textbooks from Abe Books that should help me stay ahead of where they are surely going. I plan to set aside some time each week to get myself up to speed and I’m already feeling intrigued by the idea of learning something different from what I usually do. 

I’ve been to Target to purchase all the school supplies my students will need. There is nothing like just sharpened pencils and spiral notebooks with a year’s worth of room for taking notes. It’s like getting a new pair of shoes and a cute outfit for the first day of the academic year. I have always enjoyed watching the initial eagerness of the students in the early days and weeks. Of course much of the enthusiasm tends to wane as we edge toward Christmas, but that’s still a long way off and this is the prime time for introducing new concepts and challenges. 

I suppose that I sound like a world class nerd but I have always believed that there are few gifts that we give our children, other than love and security, that are as likely to stay with them for all of their lives than education. I have often wondered why we sometimes take it so for granted. Maybe if it were not so readily available we might be more inclined to look forward to the new school year as much as we do a vacation. It is a splendid gift that literally changes the world in which we will live. 

This is a time when I think of my own favorite teachers and professors and hope that they knew how much I appreciated them. So just in case they never realized how important they were to me here is a short list of the ones who left the greatest impression on me. Some have gone the the great beyond but hopefully the ether will send a message to them. So starting with my pre-school days here they are:

My mother, Ellen Little

Mrs. Wright

Sister Camilla

Mrs. Powers

Mrs. Loisey

Mrs. Colby

Sister Mary Lester

Mrs. Getz

Father Bernard

Father Franz

Dr. James Cooper

Dr. Howard Jones

Dr. Carl Lindahl

Dr. Roger Durand

Here’s hoping that everyone enjoys the 2024-2025 school year wherever you are and hoping that learning will be fun.