Month: September 2024

Way back when I went to see the movie “Chocolat” with my good friend, Pat, on one of the many Friday nights that we ran away from all sense of responsibility and just had fun in a a way that Pat had perfected. The movie became one of my all time favorites with it’s fairytale like story of a woman who was prone to follow the wind whenever the feeling that it was time to move on overwhelmed her. I somehow identified with her because I too have a tinge of the wanderlust that was so strong in my father. While I never considered packing up and leaving the steadiness and routine of my life there have been moments when a strange whisper seemed to tell me that it was time to put aside my driven Type A personality and be uncharacteristically aimless if only for a few hours or a day. 

I suppose that my mother had a bit of that kind of thing in her soul as well because she often showed up without warning on my driveway in her car. She would honk her horn to announce her arrival, unwilling to even walk the few steps to knock on my front door. Whenever that happened I knew that she was revved up and ready to embark on some kind of adventure that she was serendipitously inviting me to enjoy with her. 

Sometimes i threw caution out the door, put on my shoes, and joined her without hesitation. I too was feeling the pull of abandoning the checklists of things to do in favor of just going with no plan at all. Other times I was too involved with my normal ways of doing things to leave my duties behind. Often I ended up regretting that I did not join her, especially after she grew older and no longer had the energy to be so spontaneous. Oh, how I miss those crazy times that we had together, just as I miss Pat insisting that I follow her into the promise of a rainbow day. 

I woke up this morning full of all the best intentions of making a trip to the grocery store for a few essentials. Then I was going to change the linens on the beds, clean the bathrooms, make preparations for my math classes, pull some weeds in the garden. I soon felt a wave of procrastination enveloping me. The sun was shining and it was taunting me to forget about the dust on the furniture. I began to think that nothing on my list of tasks was all that important. While I had no one to push me into shirking my pre-planned duties somehow I knew that I had to follow the feeling that this was a day to have no plan at all. 

Even as a child I remember waking up now and again thinking that I needed to play hooky from school. I would feign a cough and make myself look miserable as I lingered in bed until my mother came to see what was wrong. I should have earned an Oscar for my acting in those moments because I always convinced her that I was far too ill to rise from my sick bed. Perhaps she always knew when I was pulling a caper and simply agreed that I would was in need of a lazy day at home rather than pushing to get up and keep going in the race that would define most of my life. Mama was quite insightful like that!

I never once earned a perfect attendance medal either in school or at work. While I rarely got sick and only faked it once in a blue moon, the the whispers that are calling me today came often enough to break through my obsession with grading myself on the number of tasks that I accomplished each day. I must say that those were glorious ways of healing whatever was vexing me. They always made me even stronger when I whenever back to work. 

During the summer Olympics I found myself being in awe of Simone Biles mostly because of her honesty in discussing mental health. I got the feeling that she had experienced the “twisties” at the 2020 Olympics mostly because something in her mind was trying to tell her that it was time to rest. Thankfully she heeded the call when she seemed to so randomly drop out of the competition. She came back a stronger person because of her wisdom in acknowledging her feelings.

As a society we revere high energy, dedication, hard work, perfect attendance. I’ve been awarded many times for my determination and willingness to work till I am about to drop. In truth, while there are indeed human dynamos, most of us inevitably reach a point of exhaustion when we push too hard. If we do not heed a friend or parent or inner voice telling us that it is time to stop we are bound to become very ill. Listening to the wind, or the honking of a horn, or just a feeling that today is not the day to push push push can be the difference in being strong enough to keep pressing in the journey of life. It really is okay to leave everything undone for a time and just heal.

I miss my Thelma and Louise act with Pat and my impish mother tempting me to set my seriousness aside. I have to take charge of letting go all on my own now. I listen to my heart when the mountains are calling or the sea is luring me. I have learned how to walk away just long enough to come back refreshed and ready to compete for the gold medals that I seek. It always feels good to just wander with no map, no list, no plan.   

I will be the first to admit that I am in a state of anxiety. You may ask what is bothering me and I will be more than happy to reveal the source of my concerns. I learned long ago that bottling up my feelings only led to sleepless nights and feeling so tightly wound that I wanted to scream. When I finally had enough of containing my feelings like a grand stoic I was actually greeted with kindness and understanding that changed my world views. 

For much of my life I have been concerned with the welfare of my children, my students and my mother. My sweet Mama is gone and I comfort myself in knowing that I did everything possible to keep her well and safe. My students are mostly grown and doing well, but I still worry about those who sometimes seem to be languishing, so I keep in touch and offer my support. My children are adults with families of their own but a mother never ceases to think about her offspring from the day that they are born. My girls are on my mind day in and day out. I have a sixth sense that alerts me when they are feeling troubled or overwhelmed. I stay in touch with them constantly knowing that life has a way of dealing unexpected blows. I am ever ready to walk with them through any troubles that arise.

These days my real worries center on my father-in-law who appears to be a vibrant and incredibly healthy ninety five year old, but who is slowly but surely becoming more and more fragile. I see the lapses in his memory, the inability to step up to a curb, his medical issues. He has outlived everyone other than his son, grandchildren and great grandchildren. His is living the last chapter of his life and I suppose that I am dreading the inevitability of what lies ahead. I worry more about possibilities than he and my husband do. I know that the day may come when we will no longer be able to care for him in our home but he is unwilling to speak of what we should do if that happens. Being a planner, I would like to be prepared but I suppose that instead we will just fly by the seat of our pants as things progress.

I also think constantly about the state of the United States. I had hoped that by now the specter of Donald Trump would be a thing of the past. It appalls me that he is still whining and ranting about the unfairness of his loss to Joe Biden in 2020. That should be water under the bridge but instead it has grown into a dangerous storm of falsehoods and grievances. I fret that Trump will do grave damage to our beautiful democratic republic whether he wins or loses. He is setting the stage for rancor either way and I suspect that his horrific influence will hurt the smooth transition of power for years to come. My grandchildren will still be cleaning up the messes he has made long after I am no longer alive. 

I feel like the boy who saw the emperor parading in his altogether and questioned why nobody else seemed to notice. There are times when I feel like a victim of gaslighting. Suddenly common sense seems to be in short supply. I wonder what it is that attracts so many bright and wonderful people to a conman like Trump. How can they be so fooled by his nonsensical bluster? Why would anyone think that an amoral man like him was sent by God? What am I missing? Why do they attack me for my views as though I am the one who is intent on destroying our way of life? Why do they lecture me as if I am incapable of reason when I have done constant research that has informed my political views? Why do they consider me to be naive when they are the ones hiding their heads in the sand?

I see the red thread that connects my thoughts just as Dr. Monsen once taught his students of sociology. I am first and foremost all about people and the idea of honoring them without automatically classifying them one way or another. I saw the potential and greatness in my very diverse students when I took the time to understand their backgrounds and their cultures. I realized the importance of allowing my daughters to spread their wings and become the independent women that they are. I realized that my mother’s mental illness was something that happened to her, not who she was. Her true essence came in the times when she was healthy. I saw her and all people with a clarity that has allowed me to separate the goodness from the flaws. 

When I listen to Donald Trump I hear a tortured and weak man who is always trying to impress, always begging for attention and love. He is so broken that he is incapable of caring for anyone but himself. He lost his way long ago. As a kind person I may feel sorry for him, but I also understand that such a damaged man should not be trusted with responsibility for the wellbeing of the United States of America. His sole purpose in running is to convince himself and those who follow him that he is okay. He is too old, too self centered and too dangerous for the job. 

So, yes, I worry constantly about what lies ahead. I see the future and I fear that the wrong person will be given the power to steer us into safety. This is a more consequential election than any in my lifetime and I worry that far too many are not see the naked truth. Donald J. Trump is unfit to lead us. Let him find adoration somewhere else.

Aristotle viewed humans as social beings who as such should become involved in their communities. The question of individual rights to life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness were not suddenly invented with the Declaration of Independence. In fact, discussions of individual autonomy within the bounds of a community of people has been the grist of thinkers for centuries. How do we balance each person’s philosophy and beliefs with the needs of the local, state, national and world institutions? How can different cultures thrive and keep their identities in a world that is both alike and different in so many ways? How might we sustain functioning institutions of government and education in an era in which we struggle to listen to one another and discuss our concerns rationally? These are questions that threaten world stability in the present moment, but they have also been the drivers of upheaval in the past.

I have observed that history is somewhat cyclical. Today throughout the world we are witnessing the rise of authoritarians who seem to believe they have reached a moment that is ripe for allowing them to dominate people and nations with impunity. Perhaps they have observed that we are all exhausted from the ravages of the recent pandemic. We want to be left alone with our individual beliefs and have little patience for working together for compromises within our political institutions. Strongmen everywhere are seizing the moment to force their ideas on others because they sense that most of us are weary and no longer wish to enter the fray or attempt to engage in rational discussions that seem only to go awry in the heat of the current environment.  

What can we do to insure that our institutions continue to function in a way that allows room for everyone, not just those who bully themselves to the peak of power? Do we isolate ourselves until the trend passes? Do we choose the lesser of two evils in formulating policies that will affect everyone? Are we running the risk of worldwide upheaval with apathy or would we all be better if we just took a deep breath and took stock of our personal needs before foisting our ideas on others? 

History is so much easier to understand in hindsight. Once moments are in the past we are able to see what we did right and what we did wrong. We have time to critique those moments with solid evidence. When we are in the big middle of a difficult situation we tend to pull back into our individual needs rather than looking at how all the differing pieces must ultimately fit together in the puzzle of living together in a highly complex and diverse world. When chaos subsides we are able to use the rational side of our humanity rather than simply reacting emotionally. 

To be or not to be has always been the question. Is it more important to fight for a single issue that means everything to us or should we find a way to incrementally get what we want? If we stop to think for a moment we will realize that it is quite rare to find a group of people from different backgrounds who are able to agree one hundred percent on what is best for the most people at one time. There will always be gaps in any societal decision that leave some person or some group wanting. We may have to return to the discussions to repair the discrepancies but waiting for the perfect answer to problems only makes the problems grow. A leaky pipe in the attic of our human institutions needs a bucket to catch the water at the very least. These days our different groups spend so much time fighting for all or nothing that we do additional damage with our delays. 

I understand the frustrations of individuals and the groups to which they belong. Minority populations everywhere wonder when it will be their turn to be treated with equal honor and respect. Majority populations worry that giving too much power away will be a losing strategy. We humans circle the wagons and don’t see the forest for the trees. When we become too insular and frightened we tend to get things wrong. The truth is that Aristotle was correct. We are social beings and as such we much participate in helping our public institutions to function and thrive. That means sharing and caring about others who live on this planet with us. 

We no longer have the luxury of living in isolation in today’s world. It only takes hours, not days to travel thousands of miles. It there is an earthquake in a faraway place we hear about it almost immediately. The death of a hero in a Russian prison becomes a cause for all freedom fighters across the globe. The people of the world are more highly educated than at any other time in history and yet we still find ourselves ignoring facts and lying to ourselves about what it true. We seem to fear the idea that all of us and all nations make hurtful mistakes. We have a tendency to shutdown those who reveal the cracks in our institutions and our histories. It is possible for the so called good guys to do terrible things, but we often avoid seeing or hearing evil within our own ranks. 

Somehow we manage to mostly agree on the basics. We drive on the correct side of the road. We follow the rules. We get up each morning and go to work. We take care of our homes and educate our children. We live together in neighborhoods. We wait in line and give what we can to those in need. We can build on those things to create a better world but only if we are willing to walk across the aisle and work together. We can no longer afford to allow the threats of rabble rousers to keep us from doing the work that we know we need to do. We will never reach perfection but if we have the will we can be better than we have been of late.   

I like to think that I am in the autumn of my life. It also happens to be my favorite season. Maybe that’s because I celebrate my birthday in the fall and so do most of my grandchildren. My wedding anniversary is in this time of year as well. It’s a happy prelude filed with all the colors, tastes, aromas and sounds that I love. After the long hot summers of Texas, fall is a welcome change with sometimes cool mornings and evenings that require a sweater or a light blanket. On the best days I can light a fire in our fireplace and find luscious tangerines in the produce department at the store. Best of all pumpkin pies and pumpkin cheesecakes are everywhere. 

There are lots of fun places and events that happen each fall and I don’t have to worry as much about weeds growing in my garden so I have the time to enjoy it all. I like to visit the ocean and spend time at the annual bulb and flower mart. I finally feel cool enough to walk around my neighborhood or sit in my backyard watching the birds skittering about. Everything is more fun without the blazing sun that burns my skin and makes me feel hot and impatient to get back inside.

Autumn is a time for family and remembering, a time for contemplation and thanksgiving. It’s the season of my life when I have been taking stock of what I have done and what I think I may still need to do before winter comes and I am no longer as able as I now am. The reality is that the springs and summers of my youth are behind me. There is no turning back. Winter will come but for now I want to revel in autumn. I still teach and tutor just as I always have at this time of year. I turn aging bananas into delightful bread. So too do I enjoy each moment of each day and continue to learn something new as I travel through the changes of life. 

I embrace my autumn. It is a time when all of senses feel alive and I feel no guilt in wasting an entire day reading a book or writing about a bit of nonsense. I’ve earned this moment to be carefree and joyful. Who knows what tomorrow my bring? Storms may come my way. Winter may arrive sooner than I had hoped. Life will change again so I want to savor each moment in the now.

I have decorated my home just as I always do. I have pumpkins of orange, yellow, green and brown. A wreath with colorful leaves in on my door. My tables is set with woven placemats that hold the stews and soups that I make for dinner. I have candles that smell of apples and spices. My home looks and feels its loveliest at this time of year. It is as though it has been waiting for me to return the vibrancy that autumn brings. 

My mother always seemed to stay well in the fall. Maybe that’s another reason that I love it so. We would almost forget her bipolar disorder. She would be happy and serene all the way through Christmas before another bad time came along. She too felt calmer and more in tune with the surroundings much like I have always done when autumn roll around. She and I had so much fun together from September to December. 

I love the clothes that I wear in the fall. I like my short boots and light sweaters. I actually look rather nice in brown and some shades of orange. I always fell into the autumn ranges in those color classifications that used to be all the rage at home makeup parties. I look washed out in the pastels of spring and the summer shades are not much better for me. Even my hair seems to be totally meant for this time of year. 

On a more serious note I suppose that I am in the autumn of my health. Things are are wearing out, sagging and falling. Hips and backs and knees are complaining when I work too much. I poop out much more quickly than I once did. My eyes are not as sharp, my hands are not as strong . I suspect that cataract surgery is in my future and nobody mistakes me for a young woman anymore. I am slower at completing tasks but I am still capable of doing it all, just not quickly.

I often think that those of us who are Baby Boomers are overdue in just easing into autumn and enjoying quieter lives. We can’t and should not keep trying to run the world. It’s time for the young folk who are still enjoying the summer of life to take the lead. They have some great ideas and they deserve a chance to demonstrate them. We can offer wisdom if they ask but we should not force ourselves on them. If we did a good job of bringing them along they will surely be just fine. 

I saw a wonderful quote in the fall issue of Magnolia magazine that really captures how am am feeling in this moment so here it is for you to enjoy as well:

Remember, nature whispers, there is time for all. Soften the urgency and move with ease, patience is your ally on this journey of change.

History fascinates me. Human nature often confounds me. As a quiet and peace loving individual I am unable to understand what causes hate and violence. Of course I have become angry at times, but I can’t even begin to imagine thinking that the answer to any problems I face might come in the form of hurting someone. 

I still remember the first time I learned about the cause of World War I and the repercussions of that infamous struggle that should have been the war to end all wars. A strange and tense set of alliances set off a chain reaction when Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated in Sarajevo. The death of the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne meant that countries the world over would line up as allies to fight each other for reasons that were not always clear. Even as a young girl looking back on an event that rocked the world I had difficulty understanding how anything was solved by the assassination and the war that followed it. The bloody violence seemed to solve nothing. 

Hindsight makes it easy to see the danger barreling down on humanity. It’s more difficult to see the horrors coming before they happen. So we repeat the mistakes and animosities again and again. Somehow terrible people lurk among us and we tend to ignore their warning behaviors until it is too late. Our lack of due diligence allows evil to breed.

Of course it would be exhausting and perhaps even impossible to be so observant that we would be able to forestall every tragedy. Life and people are far too complex to be able to predict who will cause irreparable harm. In fact if we were to become too cautious we might find ourselves in a dystopian and paranoid world. Our only hope is to be observant on the personal level, to look for signs that an individual is so troubled that he or she is in need of professional intervention. Even then our efforts may be inadequate in quelling violent behaviors. Sometimes we simply have to remove the most violent from our midst. 

We may believe that for the most part we are helpless and that evil and destruction are simply an inevitable part of being human. Studying our human history would make such an assumption seem reasonable when one of the earliest accountings from the Bible speaks of Cain murdering his brother, Abel. Still, we would be wrong to feel that there is nothing we can do to quell the horrors that we see happening all around the world. Perhaps we are contributing to the problem by ignoring the measures that we might take to make things better. 

Yesterday I wrote about our need to seriously and unselfishly discuss the rising tide of violence in our country with a willingness to make sacrifices to protect each other from the growing fears of becoming victims of murderous anger. Ironically, in the interim one of our presidential candidates was saved from what appears to be a botched assassination attempt. Looking at the story of the man who seemed intent on using bullets rather than the ballot to rid our nation of Donald Trump provides us with insights into how we might stop such individuals before they get as far as hiding in the brush with intent to kill. 

The signs that this man was a threat to society have been out in the open for quite some time. He has a long and detailed rap sheet that points to someone who seriously cannot control his urges to harm others. Why he remained free to purchase and own guns is a huge question. Why he only got slapped on the hand with his mounting tendencies toward violence is disturbing. His behavior was strange enough that a reporter for The New York Times found him wrote a story about him in which his dangerous nature was clearly in view and yet it was ignored. All of which points to total failure in both our justice and mental health systems. 

Then we have the dangerous rhetoric, misinformation and outright lies of our political landscape. When renowned doctors are threatened for using their expertise to guide us through epidemics we should all be concerned. When innocent groups are being targeted with lies that endanger their safety we should insist that the perpetrators of the racist commentaries be publicly scolded by all of us. We have people in our midst who are blatantly fanning the fires of anger, ginning up the darkest of emotions. We look the other way and proclaim that it’s just the way it is, then grow horrified when some crazed soul acts on the taunts. 

We can do better than this but instead we take the bait and hurl insults at each other. We cling to conspiracy theories instead of doing some research to find out the truth. We allow a man who would lead us to post that he hates Taylor Swift without demanding that such a comment should never be made public because it most certainly unfairly endangers her life. 

We have washed our hands in innocence of all the furor that seems to happen so quickly that one terrible event bleeds into another. Still, we do have the power to make the changes that we need but only if we are willing to be calm, truthful and ready to move beyond the dark mistakes of the past. We don’t have to fight to get things done. We can work together, give and take, respect each other and learn to live in peace with each other. The ugly and violent way of living that has become so commonplace must stop now. It is up to each of us to demand more…period, end of story, full stop!