I admit that I am an anxious person by nature. I suppose I’ve always had an overblown tendency to be concerned about other people. I suspect that certain events in my life have taught me to constantly prepare for the possibility of worst case scenarios. I often fret that things may go awry and I try to prepare myself and others for such eventualities.
As a teacher having plans ready from A to Z was a plus because the cadence of a classroom can change in a heartbeat. I had to be prepared for events that seemed improbable but still managed to crop up in my day to day work. I suppose that being a nervous Nelly who would lie awake at night imagining what I would do in case of this emergency or that actually made me a fabulous educator but it definitely took its toll on my personal wellbeing.
I’ve been that person who swings into action to take care of the people around me since eight year old me watched over my brothers while my mother grieved over the death of her beloved husband. I quietly became an old old soul on that tragic day, understanding better than many of my peers that bad things can happen when you least expect them. I still fret and worry about my brothers and their families. Sometimes I awake in the middle of the night wondering if they are okay. My instincts still alert me when they are in need even if they have said nothing. I can read their feelings in some kind of physic connection that I will never be able to explain.
I never would have guessed that my mother’s trials of being a single parent would have led her to four decades of battling with bipolar disorder but that is exactly what happened. For those forty years I was her caretaker, alone at first and later joined by my brothers. I spent most of my young adult life watching over her and assessing her mental state while raising two daughters. Sometimes I worry that there were too many times when I was more concerned with my mother’s health than what was happening with my little girls. I was juggling so many responsibilities that it was inevitable that I would drop a ball now and then.
I am so accustomed to worrying and fretting that it has become second nature to my personality. Some people see me as a control freak and they may have a point. I am always scanning the environment, looking for someone in need, attempting to solve problems before they grow too dangerous. I suppose that trying to take care of everyone might be viewed as a form of controlling them, but in my heart my only purpose is to be ready to catch someone if they begin to fall. Experience has taught me that such moment scome when we least expect them and it pays to be ready with a plan of action.
I sometimes wish that I had the ability to simply be carefree and without the worrisome thoughts that seem to fill my head. It would be nice not to be so tuned in to people’s hurts and needs. Sometimes the weight of concern that I carry overwhelms me, especially whenever I widen my notice to include strangers who are in trouble. That’s when I have to back off just a bit knowing that there is so little that I might do other than say a prayer or two. I talk to God and seek comfort in understanding what I should do.
My husband and I spend each evening at our dinner table talking about this and that with my ninety five year old father-in-law who now lives with us. Sometimes the banter is light and airy and sometimes it grows serious. What I have learned from the conversations is just how anxious my father in law is like me. The two of us often overthink the future and the well being of others but it is a part of our natures that won’t be undone at this late juncture of our lives.
One evening my father-in-law spoke of praying to God and expressed his belief that God put us here to perform the miracles that he wants to happen. In other words, God gave us many talents that he expects us to use to solve the problems of the world. When bad things happen he expects us to take charge, do whatever we can, love and support the people around us.
I suppose that I tend to agree with my father-in l-aw that we each have roles to play on this earth. My own prayers are always for the strength and guidance to do whatever I was meant to do. Sometimes I need that extra spiritual push just to keep going when I am weary. Somehow I always find a way to dig deeply inside of my soul and find what I seek to keep moving forward.
Right now my world and the bigger world are so overheated that I sometimes want to darken my bedroom and spend a day in bed. I imagine running away and living in the woods without a care in the world. My anxieties are in overload because of wars and storms and a kind of worldwide divisiveness which I know I cannot fix alone. I have to calm myself lest I lose my direction and my energy. I have to reorient my perspective and work first on myself before I turn to the task of serving others. It’s a battle I have endured many times before so I have an idea of what I must do to stay strong.
I suspect that there are millions of people much like me. We are living in very serious times when it is easy to lose our footing and wander into the weeds of despair. We need to keep our perspectives positive and pace ourselves for the battles that lie ahead. Life has taught me that this too shall pass just as every stressful event in my life has done. So I’m taking a deep breath and preparing to spend some time each day dwelling on the many good things that I see around me. Too much worrying will sap me unless I balance it with enjoying my good fortune. I may have to hoist a heavy burden tomorrow, but for today I plan to just trust that I have done all that I can for now. I will set my anxieties aside. This is a plan that has worked for me over and over again.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 