I’ve found myself thinking more and more about those expiration dates on food than I once did. It’s not so much that I’m worried about whether or not an item is safe to eat, but rather my concern is about the very idea that each of us have an expiration date that is not listed anywhere. We simply do not know when our time on this earth will be over.
Growing older has reminded me that nobody lives forever and neither will I. While I feel quite healthy at the moment I realize that my status might change in a heartbeat. My social life these days is sadly punctuated with funerals and memorial services for once active friends. I now know more people who have left this earth than those still around to live to their lives. It can be a rather depressing state of affairs if I too often think about how uncertain my future has become as has that of the other two people who reside in my home. Instead I mentally force myself to live in the moment, enjoying small pleasures while I am still able to do so while also attempting to be logical about the future. I want to make my transitions in live as pleasant as possible for both me and my children.
There has been a great deal of focus on people getting too old to be leaders during this year’s political campaigns. We began with two old men who are older than I am running for President of the United States. I noticed right away that both of them were struggling to be as sharp as they once were. I know from my own experience that I’m not the fireball of energy that I once was. I can be ready to take on the world in one moment and sent to my bed with spasms in my back the next. The fact is that there comes a time when we might all do well to gracefully turn over the hard work of living to the younger generation rather than grasping to maintain our dominance.
I’ve watched my father-in-law slowly lose his sharp wit in the two and a half years that he has been living with us. It’s taken time for him to admit that he is incapable of doing some of the things that were once second nature to him. He understandably attempts to be in charge of his own destiny and it is difficult for him to allow others to handle the tasks that he has always completed so well. Nonetheless, he and all of us would do well to have the wisdom and humility to know when it is time to step back and allow others who are more fit to help us through however many months or years we have before our individual expiration dates come due.
Hubris is a human flaw that is the stuff of legends. We all want to be the kind of person who lives with meaning and vitality but sometimes the best sign that we are doing well is in knowing when to step back and admit to needing help. When we set aside our pride and demonstrate trust for those who are younger we are demonstrating more wisdom that when we keep insisting on doing things that might be dangerous to ourselves and others.
I’m a fan of the television program Slow Horses. The latest season features the deterioration of one of the character’s grandfather who had at one time been a powerful man. It is a sad but common story of our human tendencies to weaken as we grow older and older. I cried watching the younger man attempting to help the older man who had always been his role model. Nobody enjoys seeing anyone grow weak and unable to be independent. It is nonetheless easier when the person who needs our help is willing to accept it.
My own grandfather was rather amazing all the way through his nineties but he very wisely changed his habits on his own. He found a safe place to live where he might be watched in case he became ill. He gave up driving when he celebrated his ninetieth birthday. Nobody had to beg him to do those things. He simply understood the dangers in lying to himself about his waning abilities. He was logical about when and how to surrender many of the tasks that he once did on his own. He kept us informed of his state of health and mind and told us how he was adjusting to his changing situation. He was a delight to watch as he grew old with grace.
I am already discussing how my own future may change with my daughters. I have promised to hand them the keys to my car at whatever point in time that it is no longer safe for me to be driving. I discuss possible living scenarios with them knowing that whether I prefer it or not ,the time may come when I need constant care, I don’t want to ask them to accept that role when I there are other resources. As someone who spent years taking care of my mother and now my father-in-law I can attest to the reality that it is an incredibly difficult task especially when the person needing the care insists on doing everything his or her way. My grandfather showed me that it can be a pleasant experience by honoring and respecting us in helping him make the best decisions. It was only in the last months of his life that his mind clouded over and he became difficult. Before that he had been a brilliant example of how to grow old.
There are a very large number of us who are rapidly aging and trying to remain as young as possible. Sometimes we forget that we worked hard to raise our children so that that would be capable of taking over as we became less and less able to be totally independent. We would all do well to let the young folk know that we believe in them. It’s time that we hear how they would like to see the world progress. It’s time that we let them be partners in making each of our lives more serene. It’s time to trust that we taught them well enough that they will do what is best for all of us. It does not have to be a battle up to the moment when our expiration dates arrive. We can instead be like my grandfather who so wisely understood how to change and adapt and allow us to take the helm.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 