Day: December 9, 2024

Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; the third is to be kind. —-Henry James (With thanks to RJ Palacio, 365 Days of Wonder: Mr. Browne’s Book of Precepts

As parents we teach our children to be kind. We correct them when we witness them being mean to others. We tell them stories about heroic behavior and do our best to be examples for them. The most difficult aspect of parenting occurs when our little ones encounter a bully or someone who makes fun of them. Even worse is when they become adults and are hurt by another person that they trusted. 

I have found that the vast majority of people on this planet are good, but it only takes one encounter with a vile person to shatter our outlook on life. Even the strongest among us can be hurt by words, actions, betrayals. Just as kindness is the norm, so is it probable that we each know of times when someone broke us for a moment. We may move on from the ugliness but we never really forget it. We may attempt to understand why anyone would be so hurtful but mostly there is no good way to explain it. Sadly, our society seems more and more willing to accept horrific behavior as a sign of strength or even a joke rather than seeing it as the horror that it is. 

I am a forgiving person but I also know that sometimes people go too far. They break all the bonds of decency and trust. it’s one thing to be treated badly by someone who is in pain themselves, but quite another to keep taking it on the chin from an abuser who seems to get joy out of being disgusting. Such a person may be deeply sick, but we should not put up with the hurt that they inflict on us or others. 

When we are teaching our children to be kind there are other lessons that they must also learn. We have to help them to be confident enough in themselves to be able to walk away from anyone who attempts to harm them. I have generally found that bullies stop immediately when they get no reaction to their actions. They are looking for weakness, someone who can be crushed. They are quite good at ferreting out people who will fall prey to their cruelty. 

I know how difficult it is to be bold enough to stand up to unkind people. Even as a teacher I had taunts hurled at me. As a child I was timid and unsure of myself, so if someone made fun of me it was difficult not to react, but my mother often reminded me of how great I was and told me stories of being harrassed herself. She assured me that if I held my head up high my tormentor would go away. I never once encountered an incident when that was not true. 

I am not so certain that it is as easy to avoid the barbs of unkind people in today’s environment. We have people who hope to lead us making fun of disabled people and cracking so called jokes that are filled with misogynistic content. I have come to believe that just  holding up my head and walking away from such people may not be enough to to stop the viral spread of bullying behaviors. We have to call such actions out for the horror that they are. We have to hold people accountable for being abusive. Our children are watching and if we show them that we do not care when someone is horrible, they will begin to believe that kindness a sign of weakness. They will begin to solve problems with anger and violence.

I has been proven again and again that the children of abusive parents often become abusive as well. I once had a friend who was dating a young man who confided to her that his father beat his mother frequently. On several occasions he even left his home and stayed with her because he wanted to get away from what was happening in his family. Sadly nobody ever did anything to stop the cycle of violence. The incidents happened again and again. Then one day the young man snapped when he was with my friend and began to slap her around. When she immediately broke off the relationship he realized that he was mirroring his father and was stunned into seeking help both for himself and his family. He rescued his mother and then worked on his own anger control. I often wonder if this turnaround would have happened if my friend had not condemned his treatment of her immediately.

We can’t just look away when we see and hear unkindness. We have to begin addressing it in our homes, our schools and in the public domain. If we are honest we know that allowing bullies to have power over us is the fastest way to lose our freedoms our identities. We should show our children the importance of kindness in everything we do. Sometimes that also means noticing who is being hurt, helping them feel worthwhile and holding their oppressors accountable. It also means demanding kindness from those who would be our leaders and turning away from those willing to debase someone and call it a joke.