We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting us. —-E M Forster

Who among us has not dreamed of a particular life that never happened the way that we thought it would? Disappointments are part of everyone’s life. We think we have everything figured out and something comes along that dashes all of our efforts into the dust. We find ourselves unmoored, wondering how to salvage the bits and pieces of the life that is no more to create something new. It is always a challenge.

Some things that happen to us are traumatic and just wishing away our sadness is not the answer. Nor is trying to cheer ourselves with platitudes about how the setbacks will only make us stronger. We know instinctively that such ideas are rarely true. Perhaps we can’t even understand how things went terribly wrong. We feel a deep hurt and maybe even anger. Those feelings are very real and ignoring them only drives them deeper into our souls. 

If we are lucky we have understanding friends or a partner who does not attempt to hurry us through our grieving for the life we have lost. Maybe this person just sits with us and allows us to vent, to cry, to feel a bit sorry for ourselves. This is not a time for advice, only support and compassion. It will take time to adjust to the new reality. We have to realize the closure of a chapter of life that once had so much promise and is now gone. Moving forward will come later but not in the heat of the moment. 

I suspect that each of us has a story of loss to tell. Maybe someone for whom we cared deeply died too soon. Perhaps we failed at a job that we thought we would be able to do. We might have thought that we had a person’s love for a lifetime only to find that it was fleeting. We have to set aside all the hopes that went along with the life that we thought we had. It is so disorienting that we almost feel as though we are no longer of this world. Our interactions with people feel strange. We have to put one foot in front of the other in a kind of pretense that we actually know what we are doing and where we are going

We often talk of “wallowing in self-pity” as if it is a terrible way to be. The truth is that sometimes we have to allow ourselves to wallow a bit before we have the strength to chart another course. As long as we don’t get mired in the muck we are just experiencing the natural emotions that follow tragedies and grave disappointments. As onlookers we should remember to be compassionate, not judgmental. Never never should we suggest that somehow the person reeling from a horrible situation should just get over it or, even worse, count it as a blessing.

They say that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Maybe that is true sometimes but we all experience difficulties that seem downright unfair. We feel weak and vulnerable and it’s not the time to hear people hinting that we are somehow been lucky. We might reach that conclusion on our own farther down the line, but it is something that we must discover on our own, Never should it come as a suggestion from a well meaning person who seems to be clueless or even uncaring about how devastated we are feeling. 

It’s difficult to be hurting when others seem to be moving right along. We see their happy photos and read about their magical lives and wonder why we got showered with manure. It’s also difficult to be around someone who is attempting to work through a moment of pain. We rarely feel comfortable when someone is falling apart. Our urge is to fix them immediately and that would be exactly wrong. We have to accept them as they are in the moment while assuring them that we are there for whatever they need. Sometimes what they require is silence and maybe a hug or someone who will cry with them. 

We humans do indeed scab over our hurts and even if they heal there always seems to be a scar. It is in our natures to get up and try again. If we are patient and have a bit of luck along with our own efforts we may find a new kind of unexpected happiness and reward. Sometimes we even get exactly what we needed all along. 

There is no looking back and dwelling on what ifs but they will surely come from time to time. It’s okay to mourn and to imagine how things might have been as long as we do it with a smile and then rejoin and celebrate our new lives. Each of us will find ourselves changing course many many times and learning more about ourselves than we could have possibly imagined. The lives we live will twist and turn and challenge us hurt us and even make us wiser but there will always be a new road to explore. Hopefully it will be kind.