Perception is everything. How we see the world determines so many of our thoughts and choices in life. Now that I am four years away from beginning my ninetieth decade on the earth I see my life from a different perspective than I did when I was a little girl of eight who had just learned that her father had died in a car crash. 

Back then I saw my thirty three year old father as a paragon of wisdom and grace. He was perfection in my eyes and my mother would only enhance his mythical status with her own stories of his stature. As I aged from decade to decade I began to realize that there were indeed tiny cracks in my father’s life, flaws that made him as human as anyone. I saw that he was grieving from the loss of his best friend and searching for meaning in his work that he had yet to find. 

What never really crossed my mind was how incredibly young he was when he died. He was my father after all and therefore a wise elder in my mind. Only recently did his youthfulness become real to me when I was sending birthday greetings to one of my former students who was celebrating his thirty third birthday. Suddenly it dawned on me that the man I have idolized for all of my like was still in the adventurous, experimental phase of his life. He was in the first stages of the process of finding satisfaction in his work and family life, a period of time that all of us experience as we attempt to learn the meaning of who we are and what we are supposed to do. 

I was an inquisitive child who took delight in listening to adult conversations even when my elders assumed that I was not hearing what they were saying. I still recall my father speaking about his work as a mechanical engineer and expressing disappointment that it was not more interesting and challenging. His movement from one job to another, our journey to California and back, and the variety of his interests and the books that he read speak of a man who wanted to make a difference in the world. Sadly much of the work he was assigned to do struck him as being mundane. He often commented that perhaps he would have been better suited to electrical engineering but had been drawn to the mechanical because he had always enjoyed building and tinkering with things. 

As I look back on my own career with great satisfaction I realize that I was in my early forties before I hit my stride and felt as though I was actually where I was always meant to be. That feeling of satisfaction that I had found my true vocation made my work seem important and even invigorating. To this day I feel a sense of pride and purpose in what I was able to do as a teacher. When people suggest that I did not fulfill my potential I internally scoff. The happiness that I feel when thinking about my decades as an educator assures me that I may even have exceeded my own expectations.

I am an old woman now but my heart and my thoughts are young. It is difficult for me to imagine my father as an old man but sometimes I like to dream of what he might have been but for that terrible wreck that took his life. I suspect that if he had lived just a bit longer he would have been incredibly excited about NASA coming to our backyard. I see him working at the Space Center and being part of the thrilling days of the first rockets in space, the first orbits around the earth, the first humans on the moon. That is the kind of experience that filled his dreams and I truly believe that he would have made the team of engineers who worked behind the scenes of the space program. 

I laugh when I think of him being the first person on our block to purchase a television. I can still see him eagerly plugging it in and settling down to watch his favorite comedians. I hear his laughs that came from deep down in his belly and it fills me with joy. Somehow I have little doubt that he would have eagerly purchased one of the first computers and rejoiced at the incredible pace of discovery and invention. Of course he was not meant to be secured in a car with seatbelts and air bags that would have saved his life. Instead he became somewhat immortal in my little girl mind. 

I am old enough and wise enough not to dwell on the might have beens. I am satisfied with the image of my father as a very young man. In just over three decades he had already accomplished much. He inspired me to be a lifelong learner. He taught me how to appreciate art and music. He instilled in me the importance of knowing and understanding the implications of history. He showed me how to be generous with my love. His presence in my life notwithstanding how short it was has guided the totality of my life. That alone was a glorious achievement that I suspect he hoped to reach. I hope he knows how well he did.