I strut around like I’m a thirty year old in the prime of my life, but my body constantly reminds me that I left that station over forty years ago. I no longer have to remind myself to parcel my energy in small doses. My body does a great job of telling me when it is time to take a break. It’s frustrating to me and my type A personality to have to slow down, especially in a time of upheaval when my talents for getting things done seem to be more and more in need. It is frustrating to have to be wary of overdoing it and at times I feel as though I am falling farther and farther behind in the marathon of life.
I am still balancing a great deal of responsibility that demands my daily attention but the aging of my body keeps getting in the way of my still very clear and active mind. When I work too long in my yard my arthritic hips and knees creak and groan and sometimes even give up on me. Being as determined as I am, I find ways to limp around and keep going. I have daily routines that must be carried out for my ninety six year old father-in-law who requires special foods and carefully timed meals along with maintenance of his clothing and the room where he stays in my home.
My husband is a great partner who still keeps going by my side, but he is riddled with health issues that send us regularly to doctors’ appointments that seem to reveal more and more aspects of his body that are falling apart. I count my good fortune that his medical community has kept him intact but sometimes it becomes a bit depressing to face the reality that me and my contemporaries are truly growing older.
Both of my brothers have been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease so now I feel that I must also spend more time with them. They have good support from their spouses and children but I feel that every moment that we have together is precious. We have been the three muskateers since our father died when we were small children. As the eldest of our group I have always felt a sense of protectiveness for them. I had always assumed that we would ride into the sunset of life together and that our active lives would stretch on for many more decades. Now I am not so certain that this will happen, so I crave their company even as I seem to have less and less time or opportunity to be with them.
Family has always been everything for me and they will always come first but I also feel more and more of a need to be with my friends. I suppose that I am in the stage of life when I have begun to lose more and more of the people that I love on a regular basis. I know that this is all part of the inevitable circle of life but it comes at a time when there is so much happening all at once that I feel many of the connections slipping away. Some of my dearest friends need me as much as my family does but find the time to nurture them as well sometimes seems elusive. It is a frustrating situation that I suppose all people face as they grow older.
I want more than anything to leave a better world for my children, grandchildren and all of the young people who will still be here when I am gone. That task seemed to be right on target for a time but of late I worry that they will have many more problems and much more challenging lives than I ever had to face. The unraveling of our nation with purposely created culture wars and upheavals that threaten our very democracy worry me more than anything. I am watching the dismantling of our reputation and our alliances being turned upside down and inside out with horror. I want to do something that will make a difference and yet I have never before felt so useless and discouraged by the reality that a single person is tearing things apart and nobody appears to be able to stop him.
There is not a moment in each day when I feel free to forget about what is happening in my beloved country. I try to distract myself by continuing to teach and tutor young people in mathematics. It takes the edge off of my worries but the whispers that suggest that our nation is in dire trouble still find their way into the corners of my mind. I write blogs expressing my views but know that I am only preaching to the choir. Those who seem to think that everything is not just okay but even better than ever stopped listening to me long ago. It is frustrating to think that so many of us are seeing the world in such diametrically opposite ways. Sometime have to pinch myself and ask if I am the one who is so very wrong because no matter what ridiculous things happen in the dissolution of our liberty a goodly number of Americans cheer and celebrate as though everything is fine.
My witching hour begins in the darkness of early morning. Since January when our new president was inaugurated I awake at half past three and attempt to make sense of my new reality. I think of what I might say, what I might do, how I will balance all of my responsibilities and pray with great hope that I will have the energy and good health to accurately and actively do the right thing, whatever that may be. I am determined to keep the grand but imperfect experiment known as the United States of America alive. It is my duty. It is what I do for the people and the nation that I love.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 