We’ve all heard the jokes about how differently men and women communicate. We’ve seen books about men and women being from different planets. We’ve encountered the frustrations of wanting to be heard and then realizing that others have totally misinterpreted what we were attempting to express. All too often two people can hear the same words and react to them in totally different ways. It is what causes disagreements in families, rifts between friends, differences between political groups, wars between nations. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we might one day find a tried and true methodology for expressing ourselves so clearly that everyone understands exactly what we are attempting to say? 

I know that each time I string words together to form sentences that hold the keys to my thinking I am risking being totally misunderstood. When that happens I often think about a discussion of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet that occurred in an advanced English class from my college days. I recall being stunned when a male fellow student insisted the the main theme of the play was a critique of the absurdity of youthful love. He maintained that Shakespeare was not so much worried about the differences between the two adult families but instead wanted to emphasize the tragedy of disobedient children defying the beliefs of their elders. 

I remember the professor stumbling over his own words as he attempted to give the unique analysis a tinge of merit, but even he had a difficult time hiding his surprise at the puritanical thinking that gave the warring families a pass but denounced Romeo and Juliet as ungrateful teenagers who should have listened to their parents. Nonetheless, the incident in the classroom has stayed with me for decades as an example of how outrageously twisted interpretations of words can be. No doubt bad communication is a two way street that has the power to destroy relationships. 

We all know someone who just gets us. They have the power or the listening skills to seemingly read our minds even when we are struggling to express our feelings. They know when we just want to vent and they sympathetically listen. They understand when we are grasping for wisdom or advice and measure their ideas with reflective responses that tell us that they have interpreted our thoughts correctly. It is a joy to be with someone who is so simpatico. Sometimes we make them our best friends, our partners, our spouses. They might be a family member, a coworker, a neighbor or just a long time friend. Sometimes they are simply very special people who have mastered the art of listening and understanding. 

I have been fortunate to encounter such people again and again. I worked with a woman who carried the same moniker as mine with a different spelling. Sharon was perhaps the most thoughtful and insightful person I have ever known. She had a sixth sense when it came to knowing the essence of who I am. She knew what I needed whether it was laughter or nonjudgemental support or wise advice. She was gifted in her ability to truly love people just as they are. Sadly she died a couple of years ago leaving a gaping whole in my life and the many others whom she counseled and befriended.

I have a nephew, Nathan, who seems to possess the same kind of vision about people. He is seemingly spiritual in his ability to know when to reach out and what exactly to say to anyone who needs his support. His is an uncanny reading of the people that he loves. He listens and hears exactly what each person is attempting to express. He reads a room full of people with accuracy and knows who is hurting and who is doing fine. 

My beloved friend, Zerin, is yet another person who literally reaches across the miles whenever she senses that I am struggling even as I may be attempting to hide my concerns. I will receive a phone call from India and know that she has read between the lines, realized what message I have been attempting to convey. Like Sharon and Nathan she is a powerful presence in the lives of the people that she encounters. She has a rare gift that might have been used in diplomacy but instead became her way of teaching sometimes very difficult young people with great love.

I don’t know if there is a way to instruct everyone in methods for not only really listening to one another, but also in how to express feelings in a clear and honest way that does not hurt or accuse anyone. So many of the world’s problems might be settled peacefully if only we all knew how to have meaningful and understanding conversations. Instead we too often react before we have attempted to fully discern what a person or group is really trying to say. We may view them as whiners or “snowflakes” or even enemies when they are simply grasping for the words to clarify their anxieties. Communication is difficult when someone holds back or misinterprets without first assuming the best or the benefit of doubt. Only when it is totally clear that another person or group is simply being hateful is there reason to walk away and even then we might do well to wonder what deep down inside has made them this way. 

The world is filled with a cacophony of voices competing to be heard. It can be overwhelming to attempt to know what they really want us to hear. We can be chewed up and spit out by those whose minds are closed to the possibility that we might actually share common ground. Nonetheless Sharon and Nathan and Zerin are people whisperers and they would urge us to at least try to listen and reflect.

Maybe the next time it sounds as though someone is gunning for a fight we might slow down and take a moment to gently allow them to explain what they are feeling or thinking instead of simply writing them off as not being worth our time. Who knows where the conversation may eventually lead. We may find more in common than we ever imagined. It all starts with the act of hearing them rather than debating them and respectfully allowing them to explain.