Month: May 2025

I keep hearing a great deal about protecting our children, protecting our women, protecting people in general from disturbing ideas or people that they do not understand. Many seem to believe that the best way to raise a child is to keep them from having to deal with situations that that might cause them to feel anxious. While I agree that it is up to parents to introduce difficult topics like sexuality and death, I have learned in my many decades on this earth that our young ones often hear about such things long before we are ready to talk about them. 

I still recall the day when I was six years old and a classmate quite vividly explained the birds and the bees to a very attentive group of us. I remember my best friend adamantly insisting that her parents would never do the kinds of things that the girl revealed to us. My take was to mull over the possibility that she was right. I kept my concerns to myself and marveled at the girl’s accuracy when my mother finally got around to giving me “the talk” many years later. 

The point of my story is that my quite wonderful mom thought it best to wait to provide me with information about how babies come to be until I had reached puberty. I suppose that she was reluctant to discuss such things before I seemed capable of understanding. She might have been right but by the time her lovely explanations came to me I had already heard about the topic  from many different friends who were eager to share what they had heard or seen. 

There is a great deal of effort being made by parents today who quite lovingly want to keep their children innocent for as long as possible. I suppose that I was just as guilty of that way of thinking as others, only to hear from my two daughters that they had already picked up all kinds of information on difficult topics long before I stepped in to educate them. 

Most of us figured out that there was no Santa Claus on our own but never told our parents because we feared losing those lovely Christmas gifts that seemed to magically appear under our Christmas trees. Maybe we accidentally found the gifts inside a closet that we were not supposed to enter or perhaps yet another classmate spilled the beans and made us cry. My point is that all of the ‘protecting’ that we are doing is often moot because our youngsters get information from the kid grapevine. Often those truths are not quite accurate or may even be wrong. We would do well to be a bit more open with our youngsters concerning topics that may be confusing to them even if we think they are too young to hear about such things.

I have often told the story of my uncle being quite direct in explaining why he had a wooden leg. I appreciated his honesty and felt far less anxious when his cancer finally overcame him than I would have if I had only heard the whispers of my mother and aunts who were trying to shield me after he died. I was able to grieve properly because I understood from him that his life would be cut short. He prepared me in a beautiful and lovely way. It was hard to lose him but the blow was softened by his wisdom in sharing the truth with me. 

There are so many efforts to improve our schools by bringing prayer into the daily routine and taking questionable books from the library. Some parents even fear having their children learn about slavery, segregation and the Holocaust too soon. They want to ban information that they worry might make their children feel emotions of sorrow or even guilt. They don’t seem to understand that hiding such things from young people only makes them more fearful. They also  do not realize that praying all the time in school does not necessarily make the environment better and happier. I should know because I spent twelve years in a religious private school where the usual difficulties arose in spite of the efforts of the adults. 

I loved my experience in the school and I enjoyed our religious instruction but it was the religion that me and my family followed, not someone else’s idea of how I should be taught about faith. It also did not insure that I would be surrounded with only good people. There were still bad things that happened. I actually chose a public university because I felt that it was time for me to learn more about the rest of the population and I will always believe that it was the best decision I ever made. I needed to live outside of the little bubble that had left me somewhat naive and incapable of dealing with the realities of life. 

My advice to parents would be to talk honestly to their children about their feelings, their questions about sexuality, their spiritual longings. They should listen as well. A child will feel far more comfort in truth than in a situation that seems to be cloaked in mysteries or even fantasies. The world is real and it can sometimes be brutal. The best parents begin teaching their children how to cope early on. Sometimes that means introducing topics with well written stories that prompt deep discussions. The main idea is for children to know that they can come to their parents with anything, even news that may distress them. They will know that they are safe not because they have been sheltered but because they have been shown what is true. The wise parent teaches their children to cope by being honest and loving. 

I am a woman who grew up in a household managed by a woman. After my father died my mother had to take charge of keeping our family safe, secure, nourished and loved. She did a remarkable job given the minuscule monthly income that she had. In a era when most women were content to be housewives cared for by husbands, she managed to earn a college degree, pay off the mortgage on our home, purchase a car that she kept running for years, and send me and my brothers to college. She was a progressive woman long before we even spoke of such a thing.

I have totally equal footing with my husband. We are a team and neither of us dominates the other. I have always been free to follow my dreams. We make important decisions together and he is open to my ideas and ways of thinking. When I wanted an advanced degree he eagerly helped me find a way to manage the cost and the time that it would take for me to complete the courses. 

We have two daughters and we both encouraged them to follow their dreams and always be capable of being independent if needed. We taught them to develop their own opinions and how to be strong. They have demonstrated their own values and abilities just as we had hoped they would.

I have a granddaughter who is brilliant. She hopes to be a lawyer one day and has plotted a course that will be demanding of her time and talents. She is reaching for the moon and I believe that she will get there because she never gives up, never rests until she has reached her goals. 

I have always been content in knowing that my country and its government encourage girls and women. At this moment in our history there are more women graduating from college than men. Women may be found in all levels of work and power. As a nation we have encouraged our girls to be and do whatever they wished. 

I loved the progress that I have witnessed during my lifetime. When I was a child most women stayed home and took care of the household and the children. I appreciate that some women still choose such a lifestyle. The important thing is the ability to be in command of whatever they want to do. I do not want a return to my youth when it was incredibly difficult for a woman to follow pathways that did not conform to the traditions of the man being the head of the family. 

I have known older women who quietly whispered to me how much they admired me and my mother. They had wanted to further their educations but had been afraid to suggest such a thing to their husbands. It made me sad to hear how much they had silently dreamed of using their talents for something other than keeping the home fires burning. 

I remember the many times that women would seek my mother’s advice. I would overhear them asking her what they should do to control the sizes of their families. They struggled with one pregnancy after another and were exhausted from seemingly having no way to keep from becoming pregnant over and over again. 

Perhaps the worst case of an unfulfilled woman was a neighbor who spent hours crying in the company of my mother because her husband was abusive and she believed that there was no way out of his domination. Her tragedy left a permanent mark on me when she was one night murdered by the man who had broken her spirit. She had seen no way to escape the nightmare of her life and so she became a victim of her husband’s controlling anger. 

I have been elated to see the progress that women have made. They are able to determine the number of children they will have. They pursue education and vie for top jobs. It has seemed that all the old fashioned norms were gone and women enjoyed freedoms that made them equal to their male counterparts. Nonetheless we have been unwilling to cast enough votes for a woman to head our nation as president. A national reticence to view women as capable enough to be the Commander in Chief remains. 

Now we have a male chauvinist in charge along with most of his party who seem to want to roll back the advances that women have made. There is open talk that women should be making babies and to that end the ways of controlling births seems to be under threat. In the military woman are one by one being stripped of their authority and status. Backward thinking is threatening the concept of equality among the sexes and this saddens me. 

I encourage my granddaughter to keep pushing forward even as her options are slowly narrowing simply because she is a woman. I want her to be able to reach the moon if that is what she wants. We the females have worked hard to give her the freedoms that she needs. We can’t back down now. We won’t back down now. We only make life great for the females among us if we keep moving forward and only look back to understand the kind of thinking that we do not need.  

I’m certainly not perfect. I’ve never met anyone who is. That being said I was taught to be truthful and to accept responsibility for mistakes I have made. As a child I sometimes attempted to hide the messes that I made. I invariably got caught but my mother used those moments to teach me the power of admitting to difficulties, doing a bit of penance and then working on being better. I suppose that her influence taught me to be as open and honest as possible without revealing personal information that other people had shared with me. 

Lying has always seemed like a personal affront. I don’t like being led astray with tall tales or boasts that are little more than attempts to impress me. I much prefer people with enough conscience and courage to be straightforward whenever they have failed in one way or another. 

I don’t have to know every personal thing about the people in my life. Secreting troubles is okay but not if the impact of doing so hurts me or someone that I know. We are each entitled to our privacy but particularly in a work situation in which a team is tasked with achieving a certain goal it is always best if the members are willing to step forward to admit setbacks and honestly attempt to repair the damage down by missteps. Insisting on a cover up is the fastest way to lose the confidence of the people involved. It only takes one lie to make people wary of trusting a person or situation. 

Many years ago I worked with a very popular teacher. He was a soft spoken and kind man who captivated his students. Essentially everyone greatly admired him until he was suddenly featured on the local news for supposedly sexually abusing his teenage stepdaughter. 

Most of us found the story to be unbelievable. Even his students insisted that he had never once done or said anything untoward with them. Sadly he admitted to the members of his department that all of the accusations were true. It happened only once when he had imbibed a bit too much alcohol. He admitted his mistake to his wife and the family even attended counseling but eventually the girl’s behavior became problematic and when she was referred to a school counselor she broke down and recounted the entire incident. One thing led to another and the man soon lost his job, his certification and was being threatened with arrest. 

It was a very sad moment for me because I knew and liked the man. I had trusted him implicitly as had everyone else. Somehow his delayed admission of guilt magnified the horror of what he had done, but at the same time I appreciated that he took the time to personally apologize to all of us who had trusted him. There are many men who continue to lie even after their victim steps publicly forward like his step daughter did. He refused to place any blame on her. At least there was that. He was ready to atone for his sin.

I have been disappointed again and again by people with feet of clay who have done unspeakable things. The ones who bothered me the most were the ones who had pretended to be role models for young people. They posed as righteous souls while destroying the security of the very people that they were supposed to protect. It always hurts to realize that someone who seemed to be an icon of honor was hiding a shadow life that stood in opposition to everything that they were pretending to be. 

I hold people who work in the public domain and with children to a higher standard. When we entrust our institutions and our loved ones to someone we should expect character of the highest order. It bothers me that so many of our leaders today are horrific role models for the young. They bully and openly lie even when we all know the truth. I shudder at terrible examples that they demonstrate. I worry that young people will emulate their horrific behavior and all the while the rest of us will do nothing to remove them from their positions of influence.

I grew up with presidents like Eisenhower who led the world in conquering Hitler. He was a good and brave man who also displayed empathy for anyone who was suffering. There was nothing weak about him. He was a hero with a big heart. I saw him as someone that I should strive to be.

Many among us mistake insulting bravado for strength and competence. A truly good person does not have to boast or put down others. He or she certainly does not need to lie to cover a mistake. The truly great person admits shortcomings and then attempts to do better. I hope that we will begin to look for people like that to run things again. Looking the other way when someone makes it clear that truth is expendable should never be hailed for greatness. We should be demanding that our leaders be above reproach and willing to admit mistakes rather than hide them. I seem to recall that we rid ourselves of a president who tried a cover up in the 1970s. At least he was ultimately honorable enough to quietly leave when the evidence against him was so clear. Why would we not hold today’s leaders to the same high standards?

I am now mostly retired so any advice that I offer about finding ways to shed anxiety may seem moot to those who don’t know me well. I still teach and tutor mathematics two days each week. It takes time to assess student progress and create meaningful lessons beyond the actual hours of face time that I have with each of the young people with whom I work. I seem to fret and worry over them as much as I ever did with the students that I taught and counseled in public and private schools. 

I also run a household filled with aging individuals including myself. My father-in-law just turned ninety six and while we celebrate that he is still functioning well given his age, he is mostly dependent on me and my husband for just about everything. We have to sort his medications, prepare foods that keep him healthy, drive him to appointments, keep his environment clean and even do small tasks like addressing envelopes for him because his writing has become illegible. Aside from the added duties associated with his presence there is the concern over his well being. We have learned that his overall state of mind and body can change overnight landing him back in the hospital again. 

I also worry about my husband who has so many afflictions that we joke about visiting his doctors in the medical center as one of our forms of entertainment. Loved ones are also aging and encountering health issues that are worrisome. For now I’m still following an energetic schedule even as I have had to learn how to pace myself in ways that are foreign to my go getter personality. 

Then there is the general state of uncertainty in the United States. Each and every day since the inauguration of Donald Trump has brought chaos and worries affecting both loved ones and strangers. My tendency to observe and deeply feel the difficulties of others has left me drained from one day to the next. I have had to remember to engage in self care just to stay abreast to all of the duties and feelings that demand my attention. 

I have little doubt that everyone is feeling a bit anxious if they are paying attention to the troubles of the world or even just the concerns of the people around them. While I don’t advocate ignoring the realities of our lives or pretending that all is well when troubles are lurking at our doors, I do think that time outs are not just helpful but necessary. We each need moments to steal away from our troubles.

Over the decades of my life I have learned how to find solace if only for a few moments. For me silence is calming so I rise so early in the morning when it is unlikely that anyone will be awake to steal my moment of serenity. I have a daily routine that I perform just for myself. The homes around me are still dark when I open the blinds to let the rising sun slowly creep inside my haven. I prepare a small repast and ensconce myself on a lounger with my laptop perched on my knees. I play word games and then greet friends and family on Facebook. I listen as my neighborhood slowly comes alive and smile at the sound of children gathering at the bus stop just across the street from my home. I write my blog and and meditate until I feel strong enough to face whatever may come in the day ahead. 

When I am particularly run down in body and mind I retreat to my garden or my books. I lose myself in the beauty of nature or the wisdom of writers far better than myself. I feel part of something bigger when I do such things. I realize that people have endured far greater difficulties than my own. I gain perspective and feel a calmness sweep over my psyche. I’m ready to gird my loins and do battle again. 

Sometimes I just go off alone in my truck. I might drive around or stop to indulge myself in a chai tea latte. I might choose to walk through a park or wander around one of my favorite stores. I smile at people but mostly quietly observe them. When I return home I feel more inclined to continue to carry on as needed. 

I find exercise to be both a drudgery and an energizing activity. I force myself to begin and once I do so I find that I don’t want to stop. Everything about me gets stronger and I remember again how important it is to be kind to both my body and my mind. 

I often make quick phone calls to my family members and friends. I remember my mother reaching out to people every single day. I have found that a few moments thinking about someone other than myself is refreshing. I am reminded of what is really important and in doing so find great joy. 

I urge everyone to create a routine that allows “me” time no matter how busy your schedule may otherwise be. Keep a balance between your work and responsibilities but don’t just run away or attempt to drown the feelings that overcome you. Your emotional state is as important as your physical being. You must feed and exercise both your body and your mind. Find what works for you and then do your best to be your best when the good, the bad and the ugly come your way.  

Humans are naturally inventive. Even babies experiment with the environment, explore, try differing ways of interacting with the world around them. The human tendency to beautify themselves and the world around them is as instinctive and inevitable as early humans painting on the walls of caves. We use our intellect for scientific advancement and for artistic expression. it is not accidental that Leonardo da Vinci dabbled in both science and art. The two aspects of our brains are not nearly as different as one might imagine them to be. We humans have enormous capabilities to express ourselves with words, music, thoughts, and things that we build. We are at our very best when given a wide berth in which to use our unique abilities with only limitations in instances in which we might hurt ourselves or others. 

As humans we think about thinking. We are philosophers who ask questions and make suggestions about the best ways to live. Some theories of what is best for us are liberating and encouraging. Others are stifling and cruel. Historically we go back and forth between our desire for order and design versus an openness that allows each individual the freedom of expression. 

We ask ourselves who should be in charge. Over time we have shifted between assumptions that certain people were ordained my God to rule over us and beliefs that all humans should be equal with ideas that should be heard. To this very day we have both governments run by iron fisted dictators and shared policy making guided by elected officials. So far we have yet to find the most perfect ways of living together and honoring each other so that everyone is respected and given a voice that matters. 

In spite of ourselves we still waver about what kind of people and rules we need in order to insure that our daily lives will be safe and secure. We understand the human tendency to aspire to be angels is often balanced by a darkness that brings out our worst tendencies. We know that not every person has good motives. We have seen the evil that humans are capable of inflicting on one another. We also realize that we must be careful in characterizing and indicting people. Our fears can lead us to stereotyping and prejudices that blur the way we see whole groups of people. We can be unnecessarily frightened by ideas or actions that we do not understand. Our efforts to protect ourselves and those that we love can be so extreme that we spread too wide a net of fear. 

Innocents are hurt whenever we make sweeping decisions about entire swaths of people. History should have taught us to beware of propaganda that creates group think rather than using our wonderful ability to consider each situation individually. It is not just possible but most probable that there is no universal fix for the problems that plague us. Even our morals appear to sometimes differ from each other. We have tendencies to elevate one set of values over another rather than analyzing the veracity of what we believe. 

Human history vacillates between dark ages and times of renaissance, peace and war. We  have academics studying our errors and our advances. They seem to tell us that we would do well to educate ourselves and to consider the consequences of ceding our thinking to influencers who would turn us against each other rather than encouraging us to work together for the betterment of society. 

It is true that the moral high road has proven to be better for everyone than restrictive governing that focuses on denying the worth of certain groups. Whenever humans have asserted ascendency over those unlike themselves terrible tragedies have occurred. People have died in the name of God when their religious beliefs did not align with the current trends. People have died for the color of their skin or for being in the wrong tribe. People have died for their political beliefs. People have died because of restrictions on freedom for all.

A popular belief that runs throughout human history is that only those who possess property or wealth should have a say in how things should be. Such a closed circle has always insured that the majority of people must simply go along with the demands of those who already possess the most. Nonetheless heroes have emerged time and again to assert the ideas of equality, liberty, acceptance of diversity and the need to include all voices in our decisions. 

We are presently at a crossroad in the history of the world. Millions of people across the globe struggle under the thumb of tyrants. Wars and hunger plague places where the people are too often viewed as unworthy of having a voice in their lives. Nations are becoming more and more insular out of the kind of fears that pop up over and over again. 

We can be safe and happy and still open to the rest of humanity. We do not have to engage in a zero sum game in which we become divided into groups of winners and losers. It is doubtful that we will ever discover perfection but at the very least becoming more caring and accepting of all people will improve the values that guide us.