I’ll be the first to admit that I’m feeling a few too many emotions all at once these days. I’m attempting to juggle so many balls that they are mostly coming down too rapidly to handle. They thump me on my head right and left. As the control freak that I am, being so out of sorts feels miserable and yet I am beginning to learn how to just survive from one day to the next. 

I thought that changing my lifestyle to care for my father-in-law was the ultimate sacrifice. For a time I did it with optimism and a smile on my face. It felt good to be doing nice things for someone else but the days, then months, then years have dragged on and I have not enjoyed the freedom that was once mine. I am mostly tied to my home and a daily schedule and I am getting a case of travel fever that makes me surly and not the kind of person I strive to be. My heart wants to be good but a voice in my head tells me that I need a break. I’ll have to start working on that.

Just when I was drowning in a kind of self pity another challenge came my way. With my husband’s cancer diagnosis my days now include so many visits to the Medical Center that the people there wave at me as though I am an old friend who comes to visit regularly. Everyone is kind and lovely and I appreciate beyond words that my husband is getting healthier with each passing day, but It is an added worry to the ones that I already had and my personality is such that I become totally devoted to being a helper whenever I am needed. It might have been easier to meet so many demands in a kinder time but the world seems to be on fire and my tendency is to fret over people that I do not know who seem to be in trouble. 

I have not forgotten the good citizens of Ukraine and the battle that continues relentlessly for them. I think of the warring in the Middle East and wonder if the people in that region will ever fully know peace. I feel great concern for my own nation which seems to be as divided as it has ever been. I wonder if I will witness a sense of unity and purpose in what remains of my lifetime. Such things keep me up at night as I consider what I might do to bring about change.

A cousin that I love is battling cancer as well. Hers is a return of an illness that she thought she had overcome. Her diagnosis is more frightening than my husband’s and yet I find myself drawing inspiration from her as she maintains her optimism and faith. My admiration for her is indescribable and I do my best to emulate her calm and goodness. There is so much irony in the fact that the person who is so sick is having to make the rest of us feel better.

Learning that a long time friend just died has done little to soothe the beast that seems to be roaring inside my heart particularly in the dark of night. I will miss her dearly. She was a beautiful sounding board who had a way of helping me understand that my jumble of feelings are normal and not a bad thing at all. She was wise and bold and someone who seemed to understand that sometimes it’s more than okay to let our feelings go freely into the open. Hers was a safe space for me to be me. I was never afraid that she would think badly of me. Hers was a beautiful gift that she shared with so many. Little wonder that everyone refers to her as an angel.

I suppose that my mother had a point when she called me a control freak. I do like to keep a sense of order in my world. I don’t do well when things fray and fall apart. I try to keep daily routines that assure me that everything is going to be okay. I keep a stiff upper lip and stay as calm as I can so that I might carry on. I suppose that I should understand by this point in my life that sometimes I just have to let things go and float along with the wind. 

I’ve found myself gravitating to people like my friend, Lissa, who does not appear to worry in the least what others may think of her. In fact she tends to dare folks to criticize her. She speaks her mind without filters and when you are with her you always know how things stand. She is my hero because she has truly overcome any inclinations to sacrifice her true self to impress others. I suppose that I on the other hand am still trying to be a people pleaser and doing so can be exhausting. You’d think that I would know by now that not being able to do all things for all people really is okay.

I have little doubt that I will get through this moment in time. By this point in life I already understand that ups and downs are a normal part of living. I just feel a bit too dumped on at the moment but I will adapt. I’m particularly good at figuring out how to keep moving forward. In the grand scheme of things my trials are trivial compared to so many. The outlook for my future is good, something that can’t be said for many situations in the world today. I tell myself to choose what I can do from day to day and stop worrying so much about the things over which I have no control. I will just keep pushing forward and hoping for brighter days for the many people and reasons that worry me. 

I suspect that there is an epidemic of anxiety in the world right now. There seem to be too many leaders who seem to think that the panacea that we all need is massive change and aggression. I look forward to quieter times across the globe but sense that upheavals will continue. I need to take care of what I can and be honest like Lissa when I need a break. The haul is long and running at top speed will exhaust anyone. The long run lies ahead and I hope to be ready for whatever pops into my pathway. I hope that everyone else feels that way as well.

Take care everyone. Together we have this. Let’s not forget to ask each other for help when we need it. My cousin and my friends have taught me this important lesson.