I have had the good fortune of being loved and cherished by the people in my life. Only one of my teachers was cruel and somehow even in my shyness and tendency to forgive people for their ugliness, I was able to see that she was broken. Because I grew up without physical or mental abuse I evolved into a confident woman who understood both her strengths and weaknesses. Nobody tore me down as a child or as an adult.

I met a kind man who whose mother and grandmother taught him how to love and cherish people. He understands that real male strength lies not in dominating others but in striving to understand and support them. He is a good man who became a great father for our two girls. He taught them how to honor themselves and encouraged them to be independent and courageous. 

In my profession as an educator I all too often encountered children being tortured by parents determined to mold them with punishments and insults designed to make them comply. Cruelty is all too often used as a cudgel to keep children towing the line. While physical abuse is always tragic, sometimes the mental abuse is even more damaging. 

I vividly recall a family conference with a young man and his parents that ultimately broke my heart. He was shy and unsure of himself even though he was extremely bright and creative. His father made it very clear in the discussion that he viewed his son as a “weirdo.” He complained that his son spent too much time locked in his room. Furthermore he believed that his son’s behavior was a sign of grave weakness and a lack of strong masculinity. He almost sneered as he addressed his indictment to the son who was hiding behind a mop of hair hanging over his eyes. 

I attempted to intervene as politely as possible, noting that the man’s son had become a leader in student government because of his ability to quietly listen to the needs of his classmates. I suggested that what the father was viewing as weakness was in fact an incredible ability to understand himself and the people around him. As I spoke the young man’s mother began to nod her head in agreement and at long last she came to the defense of her son by noting some remarkable qualities that he exhibited on a daily basis. She even suggested that her son was very much like herself. 

The father had become very quiet and I hoped that perhaps he was beginning to reconsider his estimation of his son. Instead he suddenly announced that he did not have time to discuss silliness any longer. Then he looked directly at his son and with a snarl announced, “By the way, I got rid of that damned dog that you brought into our house. I put him down today. He will be gone when you get home!” Then he stood up and walked out with a jubilant look on his face. He obviously believed that he had won a battle in a war that no doubt took place with even more horror inside the confines of their house. 

I felt gut punched in that moment. I had witnessed mental abuse at its worst. I would relate what had happened to the social worker in our school and I encouraged the student to be himself but I worried about what the ultimate effect of constant cruelty would have on him. It was something i had never known so even in that moment I doubt that I fully understood what being subjected to constant cruelty is like.

I have felt much like my student in the days, weeks and months since Donald Trump took office again. On a daily basis our president has done everything in his power to make those of us who disagree with him feel uncertain about who we are and what our future will be. He uses fear tactics to dominate us. We watch him being morally corrupt and getting by with it while we are trying to be fair and kind to our fellow humans. We watch him degrading innocents and seemingly enjoying the power of doing so. it is maddening and confusing because he is constantly messing with our minds. 

Whenever another person is devoted to gaslighting and manipulating others it can become difficult to carry on emotionally. His purpose is to beat us down just as the father of my student was doing. It is only in finding allies that we are able to see the truth and realize that we really are okay in spite of the attempts to portray us as somehow broken and even unAmerican. While we are determined to stay strong sometimes we literally have to shut down for a time, turn off his noise, pretend that he is not right outside our door chiding us for not being the automatons he wants us to be. When it sometimes seems as though nobody is calling him out for his outrageous behavior we now and again see heroes who clarify the existence of the cruelty that he is using to assuage his own weaknesses. 

I am at times overwhelmed with the ugliness that seems to have seeped into so many corners of our nation. I suppose that many groups of people look at me and want to remind me that feeling sidelined and demeaned is all that they have ever known. They are grateful for my support but tell me that I have come belatedly to the club that has always defined the uncertainty of their lives.

I know that I have been the fortunate one who must now find the fortitude to stand up to the immorality of it all even when the going gets tough. Together we must be the bulwark against the evil that Trump has made so commonplace. I know that I have an inner strength that came from the love and understanding that I have always known from the people around me. Now just as with that student of long ago who eventually overcame the cruelty if his father, I also must find the strength to push forward in saving our nation from a despot who wants to make us afraid.