Month: July 2025

I’m a tough old bird. I’ve been through many tragedies and horrors in my lifetime and managed to overcome each challenge. My mother taught me to be optimistic and grateful even in the most difficult times. I’ve come close to breaking, but I’ve always managed to stiffen my back, regain my energy and composure and plow on. I’ve worked hard my entire life. I had my first babysitting job at the age of ten and by the time I was fifteen I was working as a summer clerical replacement in a medical clinic. I’ve dissolved in tears inside the privacy of my home over tragedies that seemed too much and always found the resolve to keep moving forward. It’s what we are all called upon to do when times get tough. 

I am now seventy six years old and my knees hurt most of the time. The curvature of my spine from scoliosis sends shooting pains down my legs. I’ve learned how to grit my teeth and keep pushing forward in spite of no longer being the most robust version of myself. It is the way I have always been. I refuse to give up. There is still too much to do, too many people who need my care. Nevertheless there are times when I feel so weary that I wonder if it is indeed time to scale back and let someone else take on the world. Of late that feeling overcomes me more and more often, not so much because of physical ills, but because of what I witness happening in the world around me. I wonder why nothing that I attempt to do to change things seems to make even an iota of difference. I long for a win but only see the ugliness and cruelty increasing and so I have another big cry in the privacy of my bedroom and pull up my boot straps once again. 

So what sends me falling into a feeling of desperation? It is the reality of seeing masked men arresting people in workplaces, at Home Depots, at school functions, in grocery store parking lots. I see the cages prepared for them on an island in the everglades. I hear our president joking about the snakes and alligators that might chase them. I see that a seventy five year old man who has lived in the USA for sixty years has died while in custody. I read that families are being torn apart. I watch our president hinting that birth right citizenship should not be legal and our Supreme Court refusing to take a stand against his horrific testing our our Constitution. 

I am a gentle soul with a tough skin. I tend not to be afraid. I had to become strong willed long ago just to survive. I have spent my life advocating for people who did not know how to speak up for themselves. I have counted on the goodness of people and our nation to help them but in the present moment it feels as though a considerable number of citizens no longer care about the sick and poor among us. I know that our system has always been imperfect but we appeared to be trying to feed and educate all children, not just those whose parents had the funds to do so. We devised programs to care for the old and the indigent. I paid my taxes knowing that I was doing my part to provide the most basic human needs for everyone. I liked to think that it was a duty, a moral imperative but now I see greed being touted and billionaires getting ridiculous tax cuts.

I know what I see and hear and cannot imagine that more Americans are not as furious as I am. How could we have voted for monsters who seem to place so little value on all human lives? Why isn’t everyone demanding that the destruction of our nation stop today, not two years from now in a midterm election? Do my fellow citizens not realize how much damage will be done in the months ahead? Do they not see what I see? Why do I feel as though I am screaming but few people are hearing me? Why do I sense that fear has overtaken our land and people are one by one resigning themselves to the horror of it all?

So today I have hit a wall. My nose is figuratively bloodied. My mind is in a deep dark place. I have been here before when my mother was raging with her bipolar disorder. I have had to fight off the inclination to give up multiple times when my husband seemed to be on the verge of leaving this earth. There has always been the light of good people urging me forward and there still is, but morality and love need a very big win right now and I fear that it will not come.

Pundits are predicting that it will take a bleak time in our history before we pull out of our present situation. I honestly hope that they are wrong but my instincts tell me that we are in this mess for a very long haul. Perhaps I will have to rest now and then because my body and my mind are not as inclined to work for long stretches as they once were. I’ll have to find ways to briefly pause to get some respite from the madness swirling around me, but I promise that I will never stop protesting evil and greed when I see it. I will not grow silent until our country is once again being led my someone who is humane and willing to consider the needs of all citizens, not just those who voted for him or her. 

I am sick at heart. I hate the daily ruckuses, the threats, the demolition of our most treasured institutions. I know I am not alone. I hear the voices telling me to stay strong. I’ll get over my morose mood and join the fight again. There is too much to lose if I surrender to complacency. This horrific time won’t pass without the determination of a vast swath of people who love this country and refuse to see it destroyed. I am but one person but together with the good people of this nation the wrongs will be righted again.

God bless the United States of America on this day when we remember the brave souls who fought for the ideals that we must all preserve. God give us the strength to do what is right for all people, not just ourselves.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m feeling a few too many emotions all at once these days. I’m attempting to juggle so many balls that they are mostly coming down too rapidly to handle. They thump me on my head right and left. As the control freak that I am, being so out of sorts feels miserable and yet I am beginning to learn how to just survive from one day to the next. 

I thought that changing my lifestyle to care for my father-in-law was the ultimate sacrifice. For a time I did it with optimism and a smile on my face. It felt good to be doing nice things for someone else but the days, then months, then years have dragged on and I have not enjoyed the freedom that was once mine. I am mostly tied to my home and a daily schedule and I am getting a case of travel fever that makes me surly and not the kind of person I strive to be. My heart wants to be good but a voice in my head tells me that I need a break. I’ll have to start working on that.

Just when I was drowning in a kind of self pity another challenge came my way. With my husband’s cancer diagnosis my days now include so many visits to the Medical Center that the people there wave at me as though I am an old friend who comes to visit regularly. Everyone is kind and lovely and I appreciate beyond words that my husband is getting healthier with each passing day, but It is an added worry to the ones that I already had and my personality is such that I become totally devoted to being a helper whenever I am needed. It might have been easier to meet so many demands in a kinder time but the world seems to be on fire and my tendency is to fret over people that I do not know who seem to be in trouble. 

I have not forgotten the good citizens of Ukraine and the battle that continues relentlessly for them. I think of the warring in the Middle East and wonder if the people in that region will ever fully know peace. I feel great concern for my own nation which seems to be as divided as it has ever been. I wonder if I will witness a sense of unity and purpose in what remains of my lifetime. Such things keep me up at night as I consider what I might do to bring about change.

A cousin that I love is battling cancer as well. Hers is a return of an illness that she thought she had overcome. Her diagnosis is more frightening than my husband’s and yet I find myself drawing inspiration from her as she maintains her optimism and faith. My admiration for her is indescribable and I do my best to emulate her calm and goodness. There is so much irony in the fact that the person who is so sick is having to make the rest of us feel better.

Learning that a long time friend just died has done little to soothe the beast that seems to be roaring inside my heart particularly in the dark of night. I will miss her dearly. She was a beautiful sounding board who had a way of helping me understand that my jumble of feelings are normal and not a bad thing at all. She was wise and bold and someone who seemed to understand that sometimes it’s more than okay to let our feelings go freely into the open. Hers was a safe space for me to be me. I was never afraid that she would think badly of me. Hers was a beautiful gift that she shared with so many. Little wonder that everyone refers to her as an angel.

I suppose that my mother had a point when she called me a control freak. I do like to keep a sense of order in my world. I don’t do well when things fray and fall apart. I try to keep daily routines that assure me that everything is going to be okay. I keep a stiff upper lip and stay as calm as I can so that I might carry on. I suppose that I should understand by this point in my life that sometimes I just have to let things go and float along with the wind. 

I’ve found myself gravitating to people like my friend, Lissa, who does not appear to worry in the least what others may think of her. In fact she tends to dare folks to criticize her. She speaks her mind without filters and when you are with her you always know how things stand. She is my hero because she has truly overcome any inclinations to sacrifice her true self to impress others. I suppose that I on the other hand am still trying to be a people pleaser and doing so can be exhausting. You’d think that I would know by now that not being able to do all things for all people really is okay.

I have little doubt that I will get through this moment in time. By this point in life I already understand that ups and downs are a normal part of living. I just feel a bit too dumped on at the moment but I will adapt. I’m particularly good at figuring out how to keep moving forward. In the grand scheme of things my trials are trivial compared to so many. The outlook for my future is good, something that can’t be said for many situations in the world today. I tell myself to choose what I can do from day to day and stop worrying so much about the things over which I have no control. I will just keep pushing forward and hoping for brighter days for the many people and reasons that worry me. 

I suspect that there is an epidemic of anxiety in the world right now. There seem to be too many leaders who seem to think that the panacea that we all need is massive change and aggression. I look forward to quieter times across the globe but sense that upheavals will continue. I need to take care of what I can and be honest like Lissa when I need a break. The haul is long and running at top speed will exhaust anyone. The long run lies ahead and I hope to be ready for whatever pops into my pathway. I hope that everyone else feels that way as well.

Take care everyone. Together we have this. Let’s not forget to ask each other for help when we need it. My cousin and my friends have taught me this important lesson.

I sometimes look in the mirror and wonder who the old lady staring at me might be. I’ve definitely been around for awhile. I’ve done a lot and seen a lot in my many years on this earth. I’m mostly proud of what I have accomplished but the first to admit that I made mistakes along the way. Like most people I’ve been getting up everyday hoping to make a positive difference in the world but knowing that my reach is rather limited. I’ve had dreams that never came to fruition and enjoyed experiences that I never expected to happen. Life has a way of being routine until it isn’t and in those surprise moments things both good and bad have rocked my world.

Like my parents and the adults who had the most impact on me I am very much a live and let live kind of person. I cherish my faith but would not ever want to argue with others about theirs. Some things are very personal and none of anybody else’s business. Religious beliefs are quite private and sacred in my thinking. Each of us makes choices about what to believe or not believe and that is the way that it should be. I despise those who get pushy in the name of their chosen God. I am much more impressed with moral behaviors that lead me to want to know what has moved such people to be so good. 

The same has mostly been true about politics. I’ve voted in many different ways depending on how the winds were blowing at a certain time. I’ve never totally agreed with any politician but I have liked some more than others. For most of my life I had no idea how friends and members of my family were voting and I had no desire to find out. I was content to hold my own points of view and be assured that others had the ability to hold theirs. 

It has only been in recent times that I have found myself worrying about the stability of the Untied States. My biggest concern has been the concerted effort by the present administration to demand that all citizens comply with his thinking or face the consequences of not doing so. Never in all of my years have I felt so compelled to make my views clear and to push back against the efforts to control how Americans think and act. This flies in the face of my belief that each of us has the right and the liberty to be ourselves.

I’m not talking about breaking laws or doing harm to people or property. I simply mean that I am concerned about efforts to infuse a kind of national religion and political stance into our public spheres. I’ve read enough history to know that creating state supported beliefs leads to persecution of those whose values do not comply. In truth my religious beliefs are more than likely to be acceptable to those pushing Christian Nationalism but that is not the point for me. I don’t think it is healthy or desirable to ever in anyway bring force into the running of our government, our schools and our public places. It is crucial to respect the differing views of all people, not just a chosen few.

The same is true in the many restrictive laws that Congress is approving with glee that are totally unnecessary. They seem to be intended to restrict any kind of lifestyle that differs from what they consider to be normal. The problem with that is attempting to determine what is normal. As far as I am concerned I don’t care what anyone does in their private lives as long as it does not hurt others. I don’t think it is wise to create a puritanical worldview as a way of controlling Americans. My experience as an educator warns me that invoking too many restrictive rules always leads to revolt even in a classroom. Long ago a very wise principal taught me that when there are too many rules with too many strict consequences chaos ensues. Boy was she right!

It’s time for our nation to refocus on issues that are important, not the pet projects of a single party. We can’t afford to be going back and forth with laws and rules that in reality accomplish little other than pleasing certain people or groups. It’s time to look at the big picture and the huge tent of many varieties of thinking and believing. It’s time we find ways to come together, not by force but by the desire to live together in harmony without degrading or ranking each other. 

I long for the days when I was only mildly irritated by laws that seemed unnecessary. I wish for a return to calmness in our political arena. It is time for cooler heads to lead the way by understanding that thuggish attempts to force ways of living on one another never ever results in peace on earth and goodwill toward men. It’s time we all understood that law and order comes naturally when we all agree to let me be me and you be you. 

Living in the United States of America has given us the freedom to choose the direction of our lives. There have been times nonetheless in which fate chooses for us. In my own case I have encountered situations which spun me around one hundred eighty degrees from where I had been. The death of my father when I was eight was surely one of those moments when my world turned upside down. Later when my mother showed the first signs of her mental illness I changed course once again. Luckily I was able to use those challenges to become a better person. I set a new course each time that I have been called to take actions that I had not before considered. I learned to adapt to my the new reality. 

Such is no doubt true for everyone. We have all experienced differences between our dreams and the unfolding of unexpected events that forced us to choose new ways of surviving. How we react in such moments all too often depends on our willingness to adapt and our determination to make the most of a difficult situation. The world demands us to make choices that we might never have imagined. 

I’m certain that in the era of my grandparents nobody expected the tragedy of World War I, the deadly Spanish flu outbreak, or the devastation of the Great Depression. Everyone had to dig into their souls and find the courage to make the best of situations that they would never have wanted to happen, but did. They found ways to survive grave uncertainty and loss in times that they rarely discussed as they grew older. They left those times in the past and celebrated the joys of the moment rather than reliving the pain.

It is a human tendency to look forward rather than backward and yet we all might learn from studying the past. When we review our actions after the fact we realize our strengths and weaknesses as well as what we managed to do right and what we did wrong. Thinking about such things is not a form of self harm, but instead a wonderful way of being ready for challenging issues in the present. or the future. 

My parents were from the World War II era. That conflict colored much of their thinking. They understood the dangers of fascism and proudly spoke of their efforts and those of their countrymen to free people of the world suffering under the thumb of dictators. They spoke of the young men leaving high school classrooms to enlist in the military. They remembered rations of food and other items essential to the war efforts. They felt heroic in doing what they believed to be the right thing. It was not something that they had planned in their youth. Such historical moments are rarely even imagined until they come. 

My generation of Baby Boomers witnessed great upheaval from the mid nineteen sixties to the end of that decade. It was a time when we often chose sides. Some went to war in Vietnam, others protested the injustices of the war. Some marched in civil rights protests, others shouted, “America, love it or leave it!” Those years changed us and in many ways silently estranged us in ways that hid themselves under the surface until they were brought to the fore once again by a man intent on taking us all back to a time that he believes was far better than the one into which we have evolved. In doing so he has opened wounds and anger that many like me thought were a thing of the distant past. In the process he has created another historic moment in which I feel the need to once again make choices that feel uncomfortable but necessary. 

At the age of seventy six I lack the energy that I once had and would prefer to live out the rest of my years peacefully, but I suspect that there have always been older people caught up in the inevitable roar of history that rarely considers age. While simply looking away is actually a choice, it is not a viable one for me. I cannot pretend that I believe that all will turn out well if I just ignore the damage whirling around me. i know full well that my only course is to choose a side and take a stand, not so much for me but for the future of my country and all of its people, most particularly the young.

I admit to being afraid of what may happen down the road. I sense that I have been chosen to persist in speaking for those who are being harmed in the moment and for those who may find themselves in trouble in the future. I pretend that I am unaware of the abuse of our Constitution that our president is inflicting on this nation. I cannot be silent about the masked thugs in unmarked cars rounding up people based only on the differences in appearance and culture that make them targets. I have to call out wrongs along with other patriotic American citizens who are doing so. I can’t just hope that with enough patience all of the chaos will go away. My instincts and observations tell me that this is a very different time in which we have to act or we will one day not recognize the country we have so loved. 

I know that I am only a tiny voice that is only heard by a small number of people, but I like to think that our numbers can grow as long as we one by one by one raise the alarm before we all are silenced. Already our president is threatening journalists who state facts, speak truths and question his methods. He is filling his press conferences with those who flatter him. He has surrounded himself with those who do not dare to question any of his demands. His party of Republicans fawn over him and the Supreme Court is surrendering more and more power to him, making a mockery of the three branches of government affirmed by the Constitution. 

It is time to find our voices because surely there is enough evidence to alert us to the many dangers that lie ahead if we remain silent. The time is now. We have been chosen for this moment. Will we answer the call?