I have been an over achiever for all of my life. I have a difficult time just sitting still. I grade my days according to how much I have managed to accomplish in each of them. I realized how attuned I am to constantly accomplishing goals when I recently had cataract surgery and my doctor insisted that all I should do for two weeks is read and watch television. In following her orders those fourteen days turned into hell for me. I literally felt like a slug of little worth until I finally kept to the routine by doubling the number of blogs that I wrote each day and reading every inch of print that I encountered. Nonetheless my efforts still felt insufficient as so many tasks were calling me and I could not do them.
I actually envy those who are capable of total relaxation. They appear to be happy souls who are willing to let dust accumulate and dishes sit in the sink. Their lives are not ruled by tidiness like I must have to stay sane. They don’t grade their daily accomplishments and then feel sadness when they realize that they have missed the mark. I have tried to be like those who are able to relax all to no avail, even as I understand that as I get older I will have to release myself from many of the duties and routines that I now consider to be ironclad.
One very positive thing happened during my two week sabbatical from the domination of a calendar filled with tasks to tick off from one moment to the next. The weeds in my flowerbeds went wild with all the rainy days that we had. Since my doctor specifically banned me from working in the dirt lest I get some in my eye I had to do something to keep from running outside with goggles to clean the areas that had become infested with weeds. I asked the man who mows my grass if he would take care of the problem if I paid him double for that day. He instantly agreed and I watched in total amazement as he freed my plants from the weeds that were trying to overtake them. I have since decided that I will get the yard guy to do this once a month from now on so that I may be freed from the tyranny of the weeds and he may get a bit more money on a regular basis.
I suppose that I really am a bit too tightly wired to be a person whose body is making it more and more difficult to accomplish all of the tasks that I once did. I’ve never employed a maid even when I was working fifty to sixty hours a week. Somehow I always managed to keep up with all of the vacuuming and mopping and other tasks even if it meant doing those things late into the night. I have never needed much sleep so it did not bother me to keep moving even past midnight. Sadly that level of energy is slowly but surely evaporating from me. My body is telling me that I may one day have to surrender to the idea of getting help that I have never before needed. I waffle between admitting my limitations and insisting that I still have what it takes to nurture my type A personality.
I have to admit to seeing the error of my arrogance. I had to battle with my mother when she became unable to drive and to care for herself independently. I am involved in the same war of wills with my father-in-law who seems to think that we should allow him to be totally independent when he can no longer do some of the most basic tasks that even a very young child is capable of accomplishing. Each time my husband and I lock horns with this man I tell myself that I will not be that way with my daughters when the day comes that I must be willing to curb my independence. So that’s why I am really trying hard to get over my own insistence on doing things that may no longer be appropriate, Mostly I know that I need to learn how to chill and like it.
I have a cousin who is in her late eighties who is elegant in her approach to life. She hires out the cleaning, laundering and yard maintenance so that she has more time to enjoy whaterve time is left for her. She gave up driving once she turned eighty and is a regular customer of the Uber drivers in her area. She manages to play bridge and meet up with friends but she also has learned how to enjoy an afternoon of doing nothing. She is a wonderful role model for me even as I struggle with being like her. Perhaps if I throw myself into becoming a lovely older lady who makes life easier for the young folks I will still feel as though I am accomplishing something very important.
I have a friend who completes jigsaw puzzles by the dozens. Another reads a new book about every three days. Someone else I know does a great deal of cooking and preserving of fruits and vegetables. They have let go of the idea of always achieving the goals of daily rituals. They have mastered the art of relaxation and doing things that make them happy rather than fretting about tasks that can be left for tomorrow.They revel in watching the birds in their yards or just sitting around observing the world around them. They do not feel guilty when they are so relaxed and insist that neither must I.
I am still a work in progress as I suppose everyone is. There is a season for everything and my time for being all things for all people is no longer necessary. I suppose that I will ease the anxieties of the young people in my life if I show them that I am willing to slow down and know my limitations. It’s time for me to enjoy the stillness and the mundane. It’s time to evolve.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 