This has been a difficult week for me which may seem counterintuitive given that I will be embarking on a dream trip this weekend. I suspect that I am reacting to old ghosts that I hide from the rest of the world most of the time. The feelings that have gut punched me this week have been a long time in coming and it somehow became important to finally let them our rather than stifling them like I have always been prone to do.
I have not hidden my concern for the health of our nation and its democracy. From day one I have been appalled by so many things that our president, Donald Trump, has done. From my vantage point he is neither a hero nor an inspiring leader. Instead he reminds me of a petulant child who somehow believes that he has been given permission to bully anyone who dares to question what he is doing. The last many months since his inauguration have been exceedingly difficult for me because I have witnessed the cruelty that he espouses on a daily basis and I often wonder in the dead of night why so many Americans seem to be oblivious to the danger that he poses for our nation.
I was disturbed by the assassination of Charlie Kirk on so many levels. I am not a violent person and I believe that most people are not. My feelings exploded into a confused mess of reactions starting with a feeling of knowing how horrific his death will be for his wife and his children. My personal experience of suddenly losing my father when he was only thirty three years old was devastating. I witnessed my mother’s grief and perhaps the beginning of a breakdown that would present itself in full blown bipolar disorder twelve years later. I remembered thinking that eight year old me had to forever take care of my little brothers who were only five and two years old. All of the old demons rose up inside me and I grieved for Charlie Kirk’s family and for my nation.
I felt overwhelming disappointment as our president used this horrific occasion to strike out against anyone in our nation who did not feel a connection to either him or Charlie Kirk. His intent was to divide us even more than we already were. He stoked the flames of anger and outrage with accusations that did nothing to lower the temperature at a time when it would have been so appropriate to do so. He dishonored the very man whom he was purporting to honor. He even went so far as to distort the character and message of the late night talk show host and comedian, Jimmy Kimmel, by ascribing his own kind of hateful thinking to Kimmel.
I never stayed up late enough to watch Jimmy Kimmel’s show but my understanding has always been that he is a kind soul. Even his response to Charlie Kirks’ death in an online post was a lovely note to Charlie’s family. Kimmell understood the enormity of loss that they were feeling. When he later did a monologue his comments were aimed at those attempting to divide our nation by insinuating that anyone other than a very disturbed young man had been behind the killing. That was it. There was no ugliness but the president insisted that there was and furthermore went after not only Jimmy Kimmel, but anyone else who dares to voice beliefs that counter his own.
I think that if there is one sacred right of all citizens of the United States it is free speech. Each of us should be able to voice opinions without fear of retribution, but that does not seem to be the way Trump thinks. Kimmel was taken from his show and others were warned that they were next. It was low point in our democracy.
Then came the memorial for Charlie Kirk this past weekend when his widow, Erika, expressed her forgiveness for the young man who had killed her husband. I was quite moved by her graciousness and recalled the words of Jesus Himself as he was dying on the cross, “Father, forgive them. They know not what they do.” For Donald Trump to follow the grieving widow with a tirade of hatefulness and self pity while the individuals gathered for the memorial applauded, was sickening. What should have been a moment for healing became a sideshow for Trump to air his grievances.
I can’t even begin to enumerate the feelings that I have experienced as Trump continued his tirades this past week at a press conference claiming a link between the use of acetaminophen during pregnancy to autism followed by a deragned harangue at the Untied Nations. Perhaps some unknown observer had it right when he or she texted that our president is “stark raving nuts.”
I have witnessed friends worrying that they will be persecuted because of their beliefs and life styles. I have seen a kind of fear that never before existed in our country. All of it smoldered inside of me until I stayed up late to watch Jimmy Kimmel’s return to his show on Tuesday evening. On that night I saw a man who was still defiant but overcome by the fact that his character had been so misunderstood and maligned. He was supported by crowds both inside and outside of the studio but he was fragile because his reputation had been so unfairly besmirched. He understood how dangerous speaking out has become and he worried for our nation. At the same time he wanted us all to adopt Erika Kirk’s redemptive feelings of forgiveness lest we lose our nation to the rampant hate that is festering in the hearts of those who want only to dominate.
Just as Dr. Robby did in the last episodes of The Pitt, I finally let my emotions run free. I went to my bathroom and sobbed. It was a moment long in coming. I cried for my country. I cried for those who are under attack by the very man who should be protecting and consoling us all. I cried for Erika Kik and her children. I cried that our shining city on the hill has come to a point of ridicule. I cried that we seem so quick to misunderstand each other all because a little insecure boy who at almost eighty years old never grew up to be a man. I even cried that Donald Trump is so broken and wondered what had made him so. Then I pulled myself together and knew that I would carry on because everything that I love is at stake.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 