Day: October 9, 2025

The tress are about to show us how lovely it is to let go. —Unknown

I suppose that I have mostly held my emotions at bay for most of my life. It is not as though they do not exist. It is only that I have tried not to show them. I have a strong tendency to keep them close to my chest. I somehow believed from the time that my father died that I had to be a good daughter, a stoic who simply went with the flow of life no matter what happened. I felt compelled to take care of my mother who was shattered when my father died and I felt responsible for my brothers who were so young and innocent.

Some people think of me as a rock because I have always been available in times of need. I am one of those people who rises to the occasion when others are hurting. I am always ready to console, to listen, to care for anyone who is in need of a solace. Sadly, I never learned how to allow my own emotions to surface and while I seem to have done well masking them I found myself feeling more and more anxious, more and more on the verge of exploding as I grew older. 

I suspect that it has been unhealthy for me to keep my worries and concerns to myself. I am as human as anyone and if the truth be told I was shattered when my father died but I learned how to climb a tree and talk to the air when I was feeling especially upset. When my mother first showed signs of her mental illness I would drive around in my car sobbing and cursing whatever was causing her to suffer once again. Sometimes I would drive to a quiet spot like a park and let my feelings out like a mad woman. I wonder how many people I frightened when I did such things. Someone must have wondered who the strange woman screaming at the heavens might have been. 

It was not until a few years ago that I finally learned how to allow myself to grieve and emote in public. Sharon, a dear friend, had died and I gathered with others who loved her as much as I did. Ironically she had been a gifted counselor and was one of the few people who had seen through my facade of courage. She had urged me to learn how to let go of my true feelings. She and I had talked so easily about topics that were difficult for me to discuss with others and suddenly she was gone. 

The other ladies were weeping openly and expressing their feelings while I sat dry eyed  with a bomb going off inside my chest. All of the angst in my heart was roiling inside, trying to get out and yet I was unable to allow it to seep beyond my inner self. It hurt physically to be that way and it was only after I left the gathering that I became the woman crying in her car once again. I suppose that in that moment I knew that covering my emotions was not only wrong but was harmful. Somehow I heard my Sharon’s voice urging me to let go, to be a genuine version of myself. 

I am still working on becoming the person she counseled me to be but I am doing better. I no longer have to express my thoughts with only my writing. I am speaking out a bit more and more each day. The only problem that I have encountered is that some people feel uncomfortable with the new me who is sometimes bluntly truthful about feelings that sometimes sound ugly to them. They try to convince me to cheer up, to be my old strong self. While I understand why they would be that way I want to be free to be the real me. I have learned rather belatedly that those who truly care about me will not turn on me if I become human. I don’t have to be calm and cool and collected all of the time. I now have moments when I let people know that I am not doing well and why that is so. I let the tears come from my eyes in the company of others. It is such a wonderful feeling to be truly authentic. 

My daughters allow me to vent just as I do with them. We don’t force each other to agree on all things. We live and let live in a continual state of love. We can be angry or happy or sad with each other in ways that are healing. Now I am learning that it is okay to be that way with others. In many regards I think that people are more comfortable with me when I am not a robot operating without emotion. They see that I too have feet of clay and moments when life becomes too much. 

I realize now that the people that I have most admired are the ones who were always honest with the world about how they were feeling I suppose that I secretly longed to be like them. Now, like my gone too soon friend, Sharon, they advise me on the joys of being exactly who I am. Like the trees I have reached the autumn of my life and I see how lovely it is to let go.