T.S Eliot wrote The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock somewhere between 1910 and 1911 to express the difficulty that humans faced in adjusting to the modern world. In one of the lines of the poem Prufrock proclaims with frustration, “That’s not what I meant at all!”
T.S. Eliot was way ahead of his time. I sometimes wonder what he might think of our present times when we humans seem to be misunderstanding and bickering with each other so much. Perhaps he would just suggest that people have not really changed that much and that we humans have always had a tendency to ascribe wrong beliefs to each other. He certainly had a clear understanding of human nature in his writing that is no doubt the reason that his work lives on as a classic.
We are at one of those moments in time that makes me scratch my head in total confusion because every single time I write down my thoughts somebody totally misunderstands what I am attempting to say. I have to wonder if I need to be clearer in the choices of my words and phrases or if we humans are hardwired to overlay our own feelings onto others. After all there have been situations in which we humans have completely missed the mark when it came to actively listening to the people around us without mentally drafting our rebuttals even as the person was still speaking. Perhaps it has always been true that we view the world through a lens that is protective of the essence of who we are.
A few weeks ago I had scheduled a blog that was intended to discuss violent shooters in general. I write things sometimes as far out as a month, so not everything that I compose is related to the most recent events. On this day I woke up and realized that my commentary coincided with the tragic murder of Charlie Kirk. What I had written had nothing whatsoever to do with my feelings for Mr. Kirk one way or another so I mentioned at the top of the blog that my musings had been composed weeks before. I wanted people to know that my generalizations could not necessarily be attributed to my thoughts on Charlie Kirk’s death. I realized that it was almost eerie that my mention of guns and violence and disturbed young men had hit so close to yet another grotesque tragedy in our nation.
Sadly, I really wonder how many people actually read what I had written. Many of their responses to me had nothing whatsoever to do with the text. Some went into long defenses of Mr. Kirk as though I had somehow very coldly disrespected him. They challenged my feelings and my personal beliefs and brought up other times when they disagreed with me, none of which had any connection to the blog for that day. I literally thought of J. Alfred Prufrock and the irony of our frequent difficulties in truly understanding each other.
On another occasion I wrote about my sorrow over the death of George Floyd. I had watched him choking and calling out for his mother as he was dying under the knee of a police officer and it horrified me. I had also been contacted by one of my former students who was devastated by what he had seen. He told me that he knew that I would understand how to speak of the tragedy in a way that would help people know how he and other young Black men were feeling in that moment. That is what I tried to do, but even then I had people misunderstand the main idea of my essay and then accuse me of supporting riots.
Somehow our tendencies to simply talk over each other seem to have become worse in the hundred plus years since Eliot wrote his poem. Even when I attempt to clarify my thoughts and embrace a willingness to consider why the other person is so upset with me, I can’t seem to get through to him or her. It is as though we all live in different worlds speaking different languages.
I have often suggested that whenever we feel that someone is very wrong in their thinking our first response should be to encourage them to tell us what made them feel so upset. I find that more often than not the person has had a life experience that was so terrifying that it strongly affects how they react to different situations When I hit near what is a trigger for them they go inside themselves and have difficulty really hearing me. In those cases I attempt to reflect what I hear them saying with respect rather than immediately defending myself. Given an opportunity I use active listening that goes something like this:
I hear you saying that my blog upset you. Is that right?
Wait for response.
What were the things that caused your feelings?
Wait for response.
What I hear is… Do I have the right idea?
Wait for response.
Would you like to know why I wrote these things?
Wait for response.
And so it goes.
Sometimes this really works and saves a relationship. Two people only intent on defending themselves rarely come to a state of understanding and respect for each other.
Try this the next time someone goes off on you and you feel like J. Alfred Prufrock murmuring “That is not what I meant at all.” Honor people’s feelings and they are more likely to honor yours. If they stay angry then they have most probably made up their minds no matter what. That’s when it’s time to just let it go.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 