I’m scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in early February. The last couple of years have left me limping most of the time as the cartilage in my right knee grows ever thinner and the arthritis there has taken over. The stoked up energy that has been my trademark since I was a child has been curtailed by my inability to tackle physical tasks that once were easy for me. I find myself feeling frustrated over and over as I have to do things more slowly even as my responsibilities have grown. 

I still teach and tutor a number of students and am in demand for even more but I am supposed to be retired so I limit myself to devoting two days a week to my hobby. Yes, teaching is something that I like to do in my free time. It is comforting to me to be around young people and to play a small part in helping them to move forward in their educations. I suppose that my career as a teacher will only end when my mind begins to dim and so far it is still going strong even as I notice that it sometimes sputters for a few seconds. Using the gift that I have is one of my greatest joys and I hope that will be able to continue for as long as possible.

My father-in-law no longer lives with us but we still have to maintain a regular connection with him. He was adjusting to his new situation when he fell and everything change. He has broken ribs, a broken hand, a broken nose and his bodily functions are not working as they are supposed to do. He has weeks of rehabilitation ahead of him and he may never again be as independent as he once was.

He is trying very hard to be in charge of his own decisions and business dealings but his acumen is not what it used to be. He needs reminders and assistance which we have to give him stealthily lest he feel insulted. He is like me in being a creature of habit and the accident is requiring him to make changes that sometimes feel uncomfortable to him. Luckily he is a social butterfly who likes to be with people and make new friends. He’s the kind of person who loves to go on cruises and sit with strangers during dinner. He is a likable fellow who quickly makes friends and inspires people to take very good care of him.

The rush of the Christmas season is upon us and I am juggling so many balls in the air. I have had to be kind to myself and admit that I don’t need to be crawling around in my attic for hours finding the wreaths and lights that we use to don our home. I’m only good for a few minutes before I have to take a rest which sometimes lasts longer than the time I spent getting things done. For someone with limitless stored up energy relaxing is a task rather than a joy but I am attempting to learn how to finally be chill. 

My brothers and I are all frustrated by our low energy levels. We have always been able to walk for miles and still be ready for the next task that comes our way. We began working when we were still kids. I babysat before I was a teen and my brothers worked at a vegetable stand along the roadside when they were barely beyond being little tikes. We learned how to squeeze extra hours out of every single day from an early age and none of us really wanted to retire until we saw the handwriting on the wall that we were no longer able to offer the long hours of dedication to our jobs. Now our ailments force us to live in an alien way which I suppose is the fate of every single person who has ever lived into their senior years. 

Our mother was always a role model for us and she understood quite well when it was time for her to assume another way of living. She perfected the art of letting go and knowing how to relax. She happily slept in a bit later in the mornings and limited her chores to a level that did not exhaust her energy. She accepted help with a smile and much gratitude and learned to sit back and allow the younger people to take over the roles of leadership. She understood that there is truly a season for everything and she found great contentment in growing old gracefully rather than fighting to maintain her hold on control. She often chided me for being unable to know when it was time to step back.

We seem to have a kind of epidemic of older people being reluctant to trust those who are younger to take the lead. They think that it is wonderful to stay in total control even as they appear to fall asleep during meetings. They grasp their power with an iron fist and refuse to let go when it is apparent that they are no longer up to the tasks that they are attempting to perform. The evidence of this can be seen in the last two presidents we have had who assumed office at advanced ages that should have sent them home to retire. Far too many people are refusing to just let go and sadly I sometimes seem to be one of them in spite of my own advice. 

It really is okay to admit to being slower and less able than I once was. I don’t have to keep pushing myself to a point of exhaustion just to do what I have always done. I will be far more helpful to my children and grandchildren and my father-in-law if I acknowledge that I trust them to do the kind of jobs that I once did. In fact they may turn out to have better ideas than I would have brought to any situation. I trust the young people of the world. I know it is their turn. My body tells me that it is time to change and learn how to fully enjoy my moments of repose. I’ll keep practicing that until I finally get it right.