A couple of days after Christmas I actually slept in for the first time since May of 2020. That’s when my father-in-law went to the hospital on the very day when his second wife died. That summer was filled with concerns that he was not going to live much longer himself. He spent most of June and July fighting one medical emergency after another in hospitals and rehabilitation centers. When we finally brought him to our home he was barely able to walk into the house with a cane. Many people attempted to prepare us for the worst with him, insisting that he probably had no more than a few months to a year to live. Almost four years later he is still with us even though he recently had a bad fall that left him in a weakened condition once again. 

My father-in-law lived with us until a few weeks ago. We gave him our master bedroom and bathroom and moved upstairs to a small bedroom that we had called the guest room. We crammed our clothes and toiletries into the area and learned how to find a bit of privacy there each evening just before we fell asleep. 

At first I was full of spit and energy and so taking on the care of my father-in-law was an easy task for me. I would arise early each morning to prepare things in the kitchen so that he would have an easy time preparing his own breakfast which he liked to do to prove that he was still healthy and independent. As the weeks and then months rolled by he became stronger and stronger even as my husband Mike and I began to age. 

It was an interesting situation because my father-in-law is only eighteen years older than his son and only nineteen years older than I am. In a sense we became three old people living together. As Mike and I crept closer and closer to the end of of seventieth decade of life we both began to develop health problems that slowed us down.

Mike has heart disease and not long after his father came to stay with us he had surgery to open the valves of his heart. The process went a bit awry and he had some dangerous moments but luckily eventually turned out well. Next I injured my leg while decorating for Christmas and later developed spasms in my back that sent me to the emergency room twice. Mike was diagnosed with cancer and spent an entire summer receiving daily radiation treatments and my knees reached a point of being bone on bone so that I was limping whenever I walked. Still we were able to take very good care of my father-in-law who seemed to be a man of steel while we slowly fell apart bit by bit. 

I kept to a strict routine of rising as early at five in the morning to prepare things so that my father-in-law would be able to follow his routines. I made sure that he had his favorite foods at all times and created healthy dinners that would not irritate his sometimes picky stomach. He liked to sit down for wine and cheese each evening before having dinner so we timed our days to comply with his wishes. Those evenings of conversation were fun but also began to wear on our energy which was constantly being challenged by new aches and pains that seemed to taunt us. 

In the meantime my younger brothers began to develop serious illnesses that threatened their lives and forced them to curtail their lifestyles. It was quite worrisome for me to consider that I might one day be left without my brothers who were younger than I am and who had always been so strong and healthy. I began to feel greatly anxious for my husband and my brothers who all seemed to be moving closer and closer to a more limited lifetime. I worried about how I would be able to help care for them and also for my father-in-law while limping around on knees that were painful twenty four hours of the day. My doctor finally convinced me that I first had to take care of myself if I were to be of any use to others. It was a bitter pill to face because I have always been a bundle of energy with an almost excessive caretaker personality. 

Not long after my seventy seventh birthday my father-in-law agreed that he would like to go live in a lovely apartment in a senior living facility. He was in such good shape that the nurse agreed that he was fully independent and would not need anyone to provide him with assistance in his daily needs. 

The truth is that Mike and I set things up for him so that his only real tasks were bathing and dressing himself and taking the pills from the bill minders that Mike had been creating for him for the past four years. All of his meals were prepared at the facility and someone came once a week to clean his apartment, change his linens, and wash his clothes. Nonetheless I worried because I knew that we had mostly created the illusion that my father-in-law was totally independent by constantly going behind him and repairing any problems that he created for himself. In truth I worried that he needed to be supervised every single day just as we had quietly done while he lived with us. Not a moment had gone by in which he was on his own. We kept his routine appearing to be perfect with our continuous vigilance. 

Sadly, just before Christmas my father-in-law fell in his bathroom in the early morning hours. He says that he did not trip. Instead he just suddenly fell forward and the damage to his body was enormous. He spent the next almost two weeks in the ICU teetering between life and death but once again made it. 

Life became even more exhausting for me and Mike while we balanced our lives between checking on my father-in-law and preparing for the annual Christmas festivities. I continued to rise early from my sleep and work until very late at night to make certain that things would go well and they did. We had a glorious three days of celebration with our children and grandchildren and extended family. My son-in-law helped with the Christmas day cooking which I appreciated more than he will ever know. Now we have the uncertainty of the days ahead and what will happen with my father-in-law as he leaves the rehabilitation center. 

His condition is such that neither Mike nor I will be able to adequately care for him. He will have to be lifted and bathed and fed. I am not supposed to lift anything heavy and Mike’s heart is strong now but too fragile for such difficult duties. We are both having to admit to our limitations and that is perhaps the most difficult aspect of all. We can take care of ourselves and each other but taking on a frail ninety six year old is now out of our league. In fact, when we visit him at his apartment people think that we are also residents there. 

Two days after Christmas I crashed not just from the busy season but from the culmination of four years of long days and incredibly anxious moments. I became a slug because for a brief time I was able to be so. I slept well past nine in the morning and spent the next three hours reading and writing in a recliner with a cozy blanket on my lap. I let go and admitted that I was not superwoman anymore. It was a lovely and humbling moment in which I felt willing to transition to a new phase of life. I realized that it was truly time for me to relax my grip on controlling every situation that I will encounter and allowing the younger generation to rise to the occasion. 

I hope that all will go well for my father-in-law. He has gifted professionals taking care of him now. He has friends and family who faithfully visit with him. I think that he will even be strong again. In the meantime I am getting ready to fix one of my knees and I am more than willing to finally relax and let my perfectionism go.

Life is truly comprised of phases through which we must go. I’m ready for the next way of living and the challenges that lie ahead. Mine has been a long journey to acceptance of the way that I truly need to be. Wish me luck in keeping the promise to enjoy life just the way it is.