There are times when it is so difficult to understand why some people seem to have to deal with tragedies for most of their lives while others appear to be living magical lives. I feel a kind of sadness at this time of year when I see those who are suffering while the rest of us are enjoying the love and the laughter of our good fortune. 

I have a dear friend who has seemingly been the victim of one tragedy after another in her lifetime. She not only had to watch her beautiful husband descend into the clutches of early onset Alzheimer’s, but also endured his untimely death. When she found new love in the most unexpected way I was thrilled for her because she is a gentle and generous soul who deserves all the best that life can offer. I delighted in the photos and stories that she shared with those of us who are her friends. I saw the glow of happiness light up her smile and bring her back to a state of joy. 

When she announced that her new husband was very sick I began to worry for her again. Since that moment she has struggled with the reality that he may not make it and that her world was tumbling around her once again. With her characteristic devotion to God and to the people around her she has dedicated her days to being at his side, selflessly giving her love and comfort to him and praying that somehow he will be saved and she will not be left alone once again. It has been difficult to watch what is happening to her. If ever there was someone who deserves a break from tragedy it is my friend and yet things do not seem to be going her way in spite of her great faith and compassion. 

Sometimes it feels as though life is unfair. The distribution of difficulties all too often falls on the same people over and over again while others appear to be dancing through life without any kind of realization of loss or want. This is when I become particularly angry at people who pronounce that God has chosen them for his favors simply because they believe in him and pray to him. I wonder if they realize how hurtful their proclamations might be for anyone like my friends who has the most beautiful kind of faith that I have ever witnessed in anyone. Surely she is one of God’s most favored individuals and yet she is challenged over and over again with difficulties that few of us would ever want to endure. The kind of thinking that some are blessed and others are not surely must confound her. It certainly confounds me. 

I have to believe that God is with us but he does not favor one person or group over another. Otherwise how would we be able to understand why so many good people suffer? It is truly audacious to suggest that innocents are somehow to blame for their own misfortunes. Belief in God is not a contest in which he grants special favors only to those who believe. If that were true my friend would be living a life of total comfort and bounty rather than enduring one horrific challenge after another. 

I suspect that many people lose their faith when they hear someone justifying suffering by insisting that it is part of a special plan that will lead to a better time if one only remains faithful. As a priest once told me, “God does not work like that.” 

Just as my friend is a paragon of loving God with all of her heart and soul, so too was my mother whose entire live was tinged with challenges that would have broken most people. Somehow she kept God at the center of her focus on life. She did not expect special favors nor did she believe that God was doling out goodies so randomly that she was somehow passed over again and again. Instead she simply saw God as a spiritual being who guided her life to goodness and love. She seemed to understand that her duty was to be as good as she might possibly be without expectations that she would be rewarded in the earthly realm. She found comfort in her prayers and in knowing that suffering has been a part of the human experience for all time. She felt neither unfairly targeted with challenges nor envious of other people’s good fortune. She simply lived her life as it unfolded. Such is the way of my friend who somehow finds courage and strength in the most difficult of times. 

I suppose that when we pray for the people that we love our focus should not so much be about providing them with miracles or special favors but mostly about helping them to rise to whatever occasion he or she is facing. Our prayers should convey the message that we are here to help them navigate the most horrific storms in their lives. The idea is that they are not alone no matter how horrific the circumstances are. 

I think my friend knows this but she is also very human. There are indeed times when she is so weary that she needs a kind of promise that she will be able to pull herself up so that she might endure another day. She will falter but somehow she finds her strength over and over again. It comes to her in her prayers and in her interactions with good people who do not make her wonder if her bad luck has come through some fault of her own. 

God keeps her oriented even when she is so dizzy that she feels as though she has lost her way. We can help the most when we admit that miracles are not just goodies that some receive and others never see. Miracles can come in the form of just enough support to make it through another horrific day. Still, it would be nice if my friend somehow got a break from the sorrows that seem to follow her through life. For this one time it would be so right for her to be a favored one but I will only pray that she finds peace and harmony no matter what happens.