I have to admit to being weary. I always believed that my time in retirement would be noted for the fun and relaxation I enjoyed after a lifetime of hard work and dedication. I saw all of the photos of older friends lounging on beaches and taking in the sites around the world and imagined spending most of my time having nothing but fun.
I initially enjoyed camping trips in our trailer and I even managed to go to London twice but after about seven years of feeling free from all responsibilities my life took a turn that required my being a responsible person much has it has been through most of my seventy seven years. I found myself worrying over my father-in-law and his wife in early 2020 when the worldwide pandemic took over so many lives. I not only wanted to shelter my husband from the dreaded virus given his heart issues but I knew that my in-laws were in danger because they were in their nineties and plagued with a host of health issues. I also had students to teach so I began to concentrate on ways to do all of the things that needed to be done.
I learned how to deliver lessons by Zoom and was soon ordering groceries for myself and my in-laws from Instacart. I found masks when none were to be had and made sure that all of us were properly vaccinated against a lethal form of the virus. I made a game of staying inside away from people who might make me sick and then infect the less healthy members of my family. I did what I always do which was to be as optimistic as possible even as I worried day and night.
Everyone made it through those times with the exception of my father-in-law’s wife. Her heart failure finally got the best of her just as the dangers from the virus appeared to be shrinking. At the same time my father-in-law had a severe problem with a colon blockage and for weeks my husband and I spent hours and days in hospitals and rehabilitation centers with him. When he was finally released to go home we knew that he would no longer be able to live alone and so we opened our home to him, giving him the downstairs master bedroom and bathroom and moving ourselves upstairs to a small area. For four years we provided a safe space for him but finally realized that we ourselves had grown old during the time from 2020 to 2026. Everywhere we went we were treated like senior citizens and people began to wonder aloud if two late stage seventy year olds should be caring for a ninety-six year old man. We realized that it was time to make a change.
We introduced my father-in-law to a couple of senior living places and found one that he liked. It was with a bitter sweet reluctance that we moved him even as our common sense told us that it was the best thing to do for the safety of all of us. He seemed happy but my sense of responsibility kept wondering if we had done the right thing even as I enjoyed being downstairs again and luxuriating in my big bedroom and bathroom.
For a few weeks we all settled in to our new situation and it felt quite good. I was finally able to schedule a total knee replacement for a knee that now has zero cartilage to soften the blows of walking. It was nice to know that everyone would be in a good place with no worries, but somehow as with much of my life unexpected challenges came my way. A phone call in the middle of the night awakened us to the terrible news that my father-in-law had fallen and severely injured himself. The damage to his body was devastating and for a time it felt as though he was moving toward the end of his life. Meanwhile I kept wondering if he would still be okay if he were still living with us. Guilt quite illegally took over my mind.
It has been many weeks of ups and downs for my father-in-law and for me and my husband. We eventually got him a place in a skilled nursing center very near our home. There he is blooming and smiling again and in the interim I have been able to schedule my knee surgery for February knowing that I will have a nice place in which to recuperate without worrying.
On the same day that I made the final arrangements for my impending surgery I felt elated to witness how wonderfully my father-in-law was doing. He was smiling and boasting about the outstanding care he was receiving. All finally seemed to be well and I felt unburdened by my concerns. It felt good to be able to just be me and take care of myself for a time.
The fickle finger of fate has a way of taunting us. On the very same night that I was celebrating the joy in knowing that everyone was going to be okay I had a very stupid accident. I was stepping into my pajama pants in my big bathroom and noticing that the static cling in them was making it difficult to get my foot all the way through. With any common sense I would have sat down to finish the job but instead after getting one leg in I remained in a standing position having a fight with the second leg of the pajamas. Without any warning I lost my footing and began rapidly falling backwards with nothing to grab to keep me from slamming to the floor.
Within a split second my head hit the bathtub with a loud boom that brought my husband running to the scene of my embarrassment. I briefly lay on the floor gathering my dignity and then crawled across the room to use a chair braced on the countertop to pull myself up the rest of the way. I felt fine but my hands were shaking and I immediately saw how my hubris in insisting that I did not need to take precautions because of my age had brought me to a terrible situation. I had been as silly as I had accused my father-in-law of being. It was a moment of enlightenment for me.
As I write this I am waiting for word from my doctor as to what I should next do. I feel fine and my brain is obviously working but I have read that blows to the head always need to be checked out. I hope that the finding is only that I need to finally accept the limitations of my state in the journey of life. I have always complained about old people who take unnecessary chances. I lectured my father-in-law often about going up and down our stairs when we were not home. I fussed at him for insisting to keep driving even as it was apparent that he no longer had the reaction time that he needed to do so safely. Suddenly I understood my own foolishness and pride.
I don’t think anything bad happened to me. I am hard headed just as my mother always noted and my husband and children agree. I’ll keep you posted once I hear something. In the meantime I promise to start acting my age.
Update: My doctor insisted that I go to the local emergency center to be thoroughly checked for fractures or blood clots. I spent the day in the hallway behind a screen waiting for my turn among the very sick people who were there. I got a thorough examination including a urinalysis and CT scans of my hip, head, shoulder, neck and back. The news was good. There were not fractures or blood clots but I did have a urinary tract infection and the usual sites of arthritis and pinched nerves in different parts of my body. My mother was right. I seem to have a head hard enough to take a very serious blow and remain intact. I was relieved but still understand that it’s time for me to grow up and respect the cautions needed for my age.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 