As a new year dawns we all find ourselves full of resolve to do a bit more good during the coming months and to rid ourselves of habits that seems to be making us a bit less than we think we should be. We promise to seek out and nurture friends and family members who are enduring difficult times. We decide to cleanse and toughen our bodies with clean eating and lots of exercise. We become determined to finish projects that have languished for too long. We enjoy a kind of rebirth and intention to make the best of the weeks and months that lie ahead even as we realize that we have done this so many times before and all too often fallen short of achieving our goals.
It is in the nature of humans to want to be the best of themselves but life has a tendency to intervene, forcing us to take different paths than the ones that we had planned. Anyone who lives long enough begins to understand how fragile good intentions can be. We set out to complete a project and become injured or ill and have to set it aside for a time. We become distracted by events that seem to be more important than our dreams. Weeks pass and then years and those good intentions wither away. We hear of the death of someone that we intended to visit and feel the rush of regret that we never got around to taking the time to let them know how much we loved and cared about them. Life becomes messy even when we do our best to make it orderly.
I suppose that I am an expert at such situations. I would never have believed that my father would die when I was only eight, but it happened and every single plan that my family had made suddenly changed. Six years ago I celebrated the dawn of a new year with great expectations. I had little idea that within weeks the whole world would be battling a virus that was killing once healthy people at a rapid pace. So much changed during that year and the ensuing ones that it all sometimes seems like a dream.
I became older and a bit sadder as I watched the struggles of people whose loved once became seriously ill. I tried to nurture those who lost someone to the virus even as I understood that my words and my efforts only minimally eased the pain that they were feeling In the chaos of that time. I forgot about my resolutions and instead just managed to take care of my family and attempt to survive.
There have been times when there was so much sorrow and uncertainty that having a plan of any kind seemed absurd. I had to learn to adapt on the fly when my young husband contracted a disease that landed him in the hospital for months. I lost my mojo and my energy when I became ill with a case of hepatitis that lasted for three months. I felt as though I was drowning every time my mother’s mental illness returned. I felt the shock of losing loved ones and friends when I least expected such a thing to happen. All I could do is change my course and plow on whenever the incidents that are part of being human overtook me.
What I learned is that my promises in the new year are subject to unexpected changes that may force me to set them aside for a time. What I have also learned is that I am rather good at reorienting my course in midstream and doing whatever I need to do. I don’t always react with calm. I allow myself to feel a sense of regret that bad things are happening to me or those that I love. Then I do whatever must be done sometimes grumbling all the way but planting a smile on my face to hide my pain from those who are truly suffering.
I know that I am rather average when it comes to living life. I seem to have no more nor no less success or defeat than most humans. I appreciate all of my good fortune that keeps me pushing forward even in the most difficult of times. I know all too well that it was only good luck that made me the child of a mother who gave me a moral example to follow. I was born with a rather good ability to learn and until recently I was so healthy and energetic the I was able to bear the most difficult situations. I found true love with a man who knows me and understands me and loves me just as I am. I have weathered tragedies that sometimes brought me to my knees but always came out stronger and wiser on the other side.
I know that a new year brings new opportunities but sometimes it also bring new challenges. So far I have managed to navigate them all but I dream of a time calm and peace for our world. I suspect that many, if not all of us, are weary. How wonderful it would be if we entered a chapter in our history where love and goodwill flourished. Call me naive or a cockeyed optimist but I still believe that we humans have the power to achieve such a state if only for a moment. I resolve this year to do my part to take the steps toward such an audacious dream.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 