I have enjoyed good health for most of my life. I had the childhood illnesses that were not yet controlled by vaccinations like measles and chickenpox. Once in a great while I would catch a bad cold or come down with a virus but in general I was rarely sick which worked out well for my mother who struggled to afford medical care for me and my brothers. 

Even as an adult I have managed to evade most really frightening health issues. My heart remains strong and other than a cold now and then I mostly feel fantastic from day to day. It would not be an understatement for me to note that I really have little understanding of how it feels to be stricken with a dire illness. The closest I came to that kind of situation was a three month bout with hepatitis that drained my energy and frightened me into wondering if I had somehow developed a chronic disease that would ultimately kill me. I was relieved when I finally lost the yellow tinge to my skin and once more was ready to tackle the world. I left that illness in the rearview mirror and rarely looked back.

I have watched friends and family members deal with frightening illnesses like cancer, heart disease, and even strange infectious diseases. I witnessed their suffering but never really understood the extent of how debilitating their struggles must have been. I remember chiding my mother to get up out of bed and push herself to be part of life in the last weeks of her battle with lung cancer. Little did I know how much pain she must have been enduring and how difficult it was for her to even breathe. 

I watched friends have strokes that left them unable to talk or live the incredible lives that had been theirs before a blood clot changed their worlds. I witnessed people who ended up in wheelchairs because of brittle bones and listened to people with congestive heart failure attempting to be brave when they actually just wanted to cry. All the time I was clueless to how they were feeling even as I attempted to show some compassion for them. 

It is all too easy to watch a person dealing with a painful or chronic illness without ever truly comprehending how painful their situation actually is, especially when someone has led a mostly illness free life. We can attempt to have empathy but we never really know how difficult the battles with illness can be unless we have some level of experience with pain and chronic illnesses ourselves. 

My total knee replacement is rather commonplace. It is a surgery that I was able to choose to have or not have. I decided my own fate unlike my brother who has Parkinson’s disease. As such I have been in control of my own destiny but I have also learned that even procedures that eventually lead to happy outcomes do not come without pain, sleepless nights, and a feeling of isolation during the recuperative days and weeks. What I imagined as a piece of cake has been more difficult than I would have thought even as everyone tells me that I am regaining my strength much faster than expected. 

This surgery has been life changing for me because it has taught me to be far more understanding of anyone dealing with a grave illness. I have had a tiny taste of what it is like to be unable to move around freely and without the throb of chronic pain following me day and night. Over the weeks I have slowly but surely returned to my old self but I am hoping that I will not forget how daunting it is to be in a state that robs me of the freedom that good health has always given me. 

I think back now to situations with other people and I feel guilty that I had little or no idea of what they were enduring. My mother-in-law lived with heart diseases from the time that she was a teenager, She was told that she would not live beyond the age of thirty. Through miracles of medicine she managed to reach her early seventies before her body gave in to the disease that had dominated her life. I only understood her situation in a very distanced way. It never dawned on me how incredibly brave she had been for all of her days. 

Not long ago one of my husband’s uncles died. He had been a renowned cardiologist who treated famous people from across the globe. Like me he was an energetic man for most of his life until he reached his eighties and became the victim of congestive heart failure. He had treated hundreds of people with this affliction and yet he admitted that he had never truly understood how frightening and painful it was for them. Only when he had to personally deal with such an illness did he finally admit that he would have been ever more compassionate with his patients had he known the depths to which they were falling as they became ever more unable to even breathe. 

Like that uncle I find myself wanting to go back in time to apologize to anyone that I knew who dealt with chronic and devastating illnesses. But for my own good fortune I had little or no idea what it was like to wake up in the middle of the night in pain or to wonder if I would ever overcome the restrictions on my life. 

Now I have a whole new outlook on how I must behave int the future. I understand how precious every phone call or message inquiring how I was feeling has been. I brightened up when my son-in-law and a friend brought meals to my home. I celebrated the loving care from my husband who has been with me all the way and my daughter who devoted a week to making sure that I would be comfortable. I found myself reaching out to those that I know are battling much bigger challenges than mine. I finally understand how frustrating it is to be sidelined from life for any amount of time. 

I would not want anyone to have to endure pain in order to be able to understand those who suffer from chronic health problems. Nonetheless I feel fortunate to have walked a bit in the shoes of those who have to meet challenges that endure day after day. I have always understood what loss feels like but for the first time I also understand the difficulties of being immobilized by a body that is not working right. I wish that it had not taken so long for me to learn how daunting it is to fight to heal. I am certain that I will be a much better friend and person moving forward now that I know.