I’ve been circling the sun for a bit more than seventy seven years. I have become the person that I am during that time. My evolution as an individual has not been without its ups and downs. I did not always meet challenges as well as I might have but along the way I have mostly liked what I have done and how I have changed to meet the demands of each incredible moment that comes my way.
My childhood was made more difficult by the death of my father at a critical time when I was still feeling unsure about myself. I pushed forward in a kind of fog for a very long time. With the help of my courageous and loving mother I was able to channel my anxieties into learning and giving of myself to others rather than dwelling on the loss that would forever haunt me.
My teen years were spent feeling awkward the way late bloomers so often do. I did not really begin to mature until my senior year of high school. I forged a kind of fake confidence in the hopes that one day I would be able to claim a kind of certainty that I was okay.
I graduated from high school at the age of seventeen with many academic kudos and the beginnings of belief in myself. During my first years of college I met new people and forged new friendships that would follow me to this very day. Among them was a peer whom I had always admired. I learned that her kindness was as wonderful as it had appeared to be and with her influence I came out of the protective shell that I had built around myself and began taking chances that might have been frightening before. Along the way I met the young man who would become my life partner and our connection with each other was instant and strong.
By the time I was in my twenties I was a married woman feeling a kind of happiness that had eluded me from the time of my father’s death. At the very moment when everything felt right with the world my mother experienced a mental breakdown and I had to pull up my boot straps and become her advocate in a world of mental heath that I barely understood. It was perhaps the most frightening moment of my life and one in which my husband rose to the occasion to help me, cementing our relationship forever.
The decade of my twenties continued to be chaotic even as I found a boldness in my personality that I never knew was there. I began a family and found great joy in my two daughters just as my journey was rocked once again by an illness that threatened my husband’s life. I pretended to be in command of things but the truth was that I was terrified. With much help from my family and friends and great doctors he recovered and my I once again settled into a long routine that felt wonderful.
When the eighties rolled around I was truly a strong woman. I had endured challenges that might have broken me but instead had taught me to just put one foot in front of the the other. I muddled through because I fully understood that sometimes that is the best that I might do. I was finally finishing my college degree and embarking on a career in teaching that felt as thought it was the perfect fit for me.
I instantly knew that I had made the right choice in selecting my vocation. From the very the beginning I found immeasurable joy in being in a classroom with my students. With the wisdom of every principal with whom I worked I honed my craft until any worries that I might have had were gone. In the meantime, I was having the time of my life with a group of friends who had walked with me through all of the difficulties of my past. My life was fun even as I continued helping my mother each time her bipolar disorder made her sick once again. I felt like a talented juggler able to keep balls rotating in the air while balancing a spinning plate on my head.
By the nineties my daughters were maturing as well. One was excelling at collage and the other would soon follow. There were weddings and celebrations and promotions at work along with a Master’s degree. I could look in the mirror and honestly say that I liked myself and the life that I had built with my spouse, my children and my friends. My daughters graduated from college and married. Soon there were grandchildren on the way. It felt as though nothing would be able to steal the joy that was feeling.
I suppose that I reached a high point at the beginning of the twenty first century in every aspect of my existence. I traveled the world and left the house that had sustained me and my family for decades to relocate to the home where I now live. Luckily I enjoyed those moments with every being because great losses would be coming my way even as I would celebrate so many family milestones. One by one family members and friends who had played integral roles in my life’s journey died. It felt as though pieces of my heart were ruthlessly torn away. It was not something that I had prepared to endure but I had learned long before how to grieve and then carry on with my own life.
I sometimes have to pinch myself to realize that I am as old as I am. My brain feels as young as ever but my body reminds me that I am moving along just as we humans are meant to do. My energy has waned and I miss the people who are no longer here. Then I remember how to count my blessings and find joy in the now.
I worry about the future a bit more than I ever have. There is a kind of uncertainty in the world at large right now that I have not experienced since I was that eight year old fatherless girl. Life has taught me that there will always be bad times and that I have the grit to get through them but increasingly I am losing the north stars that walked with me and guided to where I am now.
My country is crying in a state of confusion and I am feeling the pull of worry more and more. I often have to remind myself to look for the helpers and the positive ideas like the ones that got me this far. If I know one thing that is true it is that the goodness of humans always finds a way to set things right. So I will meet each day as it comes knowing that if I never give up life will find a way to adjust just as it always does. I might fall down for the count but I will get back up no matter what it takes. My hope is that the wisdom and age and grace that I have found in each decade will be enough to guide me to a good and meaningful life. There is still so much work to be done.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 