Author: Sharron Burnett

It’s okay if all you did today was survive   Unknown Author

Life is full of surprises. Some of them are good and others are a disaster. When we arise each morning we never quite know how things will pan out even if we have made careful plans. Things happen. The car won’t start to get you to an appointment on time. A family member is burning with a high fever that precludes attending the big event that you have been looking forward to enjoying. You put your feet on the floor and there is an inch of water caused by a pipe that broke during the night. The notice from your doctor that you thought would be just fine contains scary news. The phone rings with word of the death of a best friend. 

We mostly do our best not to fall apart when such things happen but sometimes it really is okay to feel the bitter disappointment or rage and total sorrow that sweeps over our bodies and minds. We don’t have to smile all the time because some situations are frankly awful. Nothing is more natural than reacting to bad news with a bit of negativity. Who says that we always have to have a stiff upper lip? We would not have the ability to shed tears if doing so was never supposed to happen. There are very legitimate reasons for allowing our emotions to escape into the light of day as long as they are not focused on hurting someone. 

My husband and I often joke that we are both stoics. Those who know us tend to classify us as strong souls who manage to navigate whatever is thrown at us. While we indeed find ways to deal with each situation as it arises we have also been known to actually react in not so positive ways whenever the art of living seems to be pounding us unrelenting. Some times too much is just too much!

I have a friend who has endured quite a bit of bad luck over the decades. She is mostly able to joke about the things that happen to her but now and again she wonders if she has some kind of target on her head that attracts trouble and difficult situations. I have to admit that she really does have more than her fair share of difficulties even as she does her best to gut through the trials that come her way. When she was caring for her late husband whose stroke kept him bedridden and unable to speak she did a yeomen’s job until her hip broke one day and she had to cry for help. Being brave in that moment was not on her Bingo card so she let all of her pent up emotions flow like water from her mind. It was something that she really needed to do before she would be able to keep on keeping on. 

There is a very fine line between someone who is always complaining about being a victim and someone who always attempts to be courageous even when a situation is becoming unbearable. We owe it to ourselves to be honest when the pressures we are experiencing become too much. It is important to know how to shift into survival mode even if that means closing the blinds and going to bed for the day. There is a time to ignore all of the looming deadlines and simply rest from the pressures that we are experiencing. 

I know people who are experts at following the messages that their minds and their bodies are sending them. They know when to step back for a time and pamper themselves with whatever will make them feel a bit better. They are perfectly willing to accept that none of us are super human and they feel no guilt in caring for themselves. 

My mother literally broke from the pressures that pounded at her. Through medications and counseling she learned to change her perfectionist tendencies and slow down the pace of her life. Her home became no longer spotless. She began to accept simple pleasures rather than striving for major events. She found joy in the smallest moments and understood that a good cry now and again is better than any medicinal tonic. There were many days when she celebrated just getting from morning to night. 

We all need buddies who will listen to our rants without judging us, people who will understand that sometimes all we can to do is get the poisonous thinking out of our systems is to let our thoughts run free. Those special people who will love us even when we are not so cheery are our true friends. They do not require us to always be perfect or to say and do all the right things. They are our refuges on stormy days and we know that we can trust them with the truths of how we are feeling. 

Get up each morning with resolve but also be ready to back peddle when the unexpected moments of life become overwhelming. Call yourself okay if all you manage to do on a really bad day is survive. Life is a marathon and sometimes the goal is is not to win but just to regain enough stamina to keep going. 

Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you. — Anne Lamott

I enjoy using my laptop until something goes awry with it. Then I find myself getting frustrated and sometimes forgetting that doing a reboot almost always fixes whatever problem was making it wonky. The same is often true with appliances and lots of machines that we have come to depend upon to help us with our daily work. What ends up being hardest for most of us is unplugging ourselves for a time. 

I have many friends who are still working. Some of them expend more hours getting things done on the weekend that they should be using to relax and tune out of all things that sap their energy. The wisest among them always spend a good chunk of time ignoring the chores and duties that seem to dominate their lives. They step over the piles of laundry or the lesson planning book and free themselves for a few hours or even an entire day. When they return to the grind of routine they are more refreshed and ready to face the challenges that thread through their lives. 

I have to admit that I have always struggled a bit with the idea of turning my back on things that need to be done. My mother used to rescue me on Saturday mornings by insisting that I goof off just a bit with her. I sometimes grumbled quietly when she pushed me to take a break. I considered all of the things that needed to be accomplished before I returned to work the following Monday and just wanted to chase her away. Out of love and respect I almost always surrendered to her pleas and left my obligations behind to share a bit of time with her. 

We might travel to Galveston and walk along the seawall. She might drive us to a mall where we mostly conversed and window shopped. Her destination might be little more than a quick stop for some ice cream. I never knew what she had in mind and there were times when I started the journey with her with an horrific attitude. Inside my mind I felt like a captive being forced to do something that I did not want to do. Not one time did I return from our adventures thinking that they had been a waste of time. In fact, I was always so regenerated that I accomplished my waiting tasks in record time. I will never quite know why I ever hesitated to go with her because her rescues of me always worked out well. She understood how to unplug me for a time so that I would be able to work properly again. 

We all need balance in our lives. Our routines should include both work and play. We all have obligations that must be met so we won’t be like a colleague of mine who once literally ran away from work on a whim. Surely she needed to unplug but just driving out of town instead of heading to work without alerting anyone was irresponsible even though all of us who worked beside her understood why it was her way of begging for help. 

If we now and then briefly unplug ourselves from anything that dominates our lives we will ultimately be all the better. We are less likely to collapse in exhaustion or anxiety if we give ourselves a break. The fact is that being human requires that we have healthy habits that balance work and rest. 

I belong to a group that shares ideas and stories about the job of caretaking. I have done more than a bit of that throughout my life. I spent decades monitoring my mother’s mental health. At the end of her life she lived in my home. For almost four years my husband and I have been caring for my father-in-law, first in our home and for the past two months in nursing homes and hospitals. I learned the importance of respite from such duties by hearing the stories of individuals for whom the chore became unbearable. Without regular down times, they broke and wanted to run away like the young woman with whom I worked in the long ago. 

I found myself recalling my mother’s wisdom in snatching me away from my duties when she would pull into my driveway, honk her horn and insist that it was time for some fun. I instituted a date night with my husband from which we have not varied. It may be just the two of us reading and sipping tea and coffee at a Barnes or Noble bookstore but it is our moment of getting away, unplugging so that we will work better when our energy is needed. 

A well led life includes times with no intent of accomplishing anything but relaxing and turning off the hubbub of the world. We can be serious and dutiful most of the time while still goofing off just enough to get us through the toughest of times. My advice to anyone is to unplug with regularity. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel. The problems will still be there when you come back to them but you will have so much more energy with which to tackle them.   

A good man is gone  His name was John and he has quietly died but not unnoticed. I did not know him well. I only sat with him a few times when he came to visit his sister who is my sister-in-law. He was born in Taiwan and even as a young boy he showed great promise, earning a spot at one the the most prestigious schools in that country. He studied hard and proved his mettle before going to college to earn a bachelor’s degree and then attending Syracuse University where he got a master’s degree in Chemical Engineering. 

John was certainly a very capable man but in his heart a love of God overtook any desires he may have had to become wealthy. He spent most of his lifetime dedicated to a spiritual life of compassion and sharing. He gave away much of any money that he earned and spent his energy being of service to his fellow human beings. He was a prayerful man who found joy in his personal journey with God. 

Eventually John went to live near his younger brother in San Francisco where he became a Catholic and a daily reader of the Bible. He spread the good news of the gospel through example, never by pushing people to be religious. There was an aura about him that spoke of his devotion to the messages of Jesus. 

Once John moved to San Francisco I only saw him one more time about ten years ago. He was quite humble and spiritual. His life was guided by the commandment to love. There was something special about just sitting with him and knowing if his many good deeds.

 While I was recuperating from my knee surgery I learned that John had died. His sister called me with the news and it was apparent that her heart was broken. He was younger than she is and his death came at a time when she was battling her own illnesses. I understood her devotion to her younger brother and the pain that she was feeling in losing him. We humans tend to believe that things should happen in an orderly way. We hope that we will leave this earth in the same sequence by which we came so that we do not have to bear the sorrow of losing a younger sibling or friend or child. Somehow such things feel wrong in the grand scheme of things and yet we see it happening again and again. 

I have little doubt that John is united with God. He was a truly good man who inspired everyone who knew him. I pray that any suffering that he might have endured on this earth is now gone as he finds new life in eternity. I hope that his brother and sisters will feel the sympathy that we have for them. May his memory be a blessing to all who knew him and may we learn from him how to walk peacefully through life from his example.  

When my granddaughter was still an infant her twin brother had already mastered the art of turning  over from his back and then crawling away. My granddaughter, on the other hand, would just flail her arms and legs back and forth unable to propel herself from her back to her tummy. It was sad to watch her frustration as she somehow knew that she should be able to do what her brother was already doing. 

A call and a trip to the pediatrician revealed that my granddaughter’s muscles were stiff, making it seemingly impossible to accomplish the most basic maneuvers. Luckily there was a program in Chicago that provided a pediatric physical therapist to help the little one build up the strength in her muscles that would ultimately free her from a state of feeling as though her limbs were frozen in concrete. 

The incredible therapist came to my daughter’s home four days a week to work with the little girl who seemed determined to overcome her handicap. I watched one of the sessions and it was quite apparent that the exercises were painful but had to be done to loosen the joints that were holding the child back. It hurt to watch her straining and wincing and pushing herself to do something that she surely did not totally understand given that she was not yet one year old. She had so much fight in her that it was inspiring to watch. 

My granddaughter Abby did overcome her handicap and was soon meeting milestone after milestone alongside her twin brother. She has exhibited the same level of determination over and over again in her lifetime whether it was learning how to swim or sticking with an exercise program that keeps her strong and healthy. 

When I elected to have a total knee replacement I found that nobody really explained the recuperation process associated with having such surgery as well as they probably should have done. It really is not until the deed is already done that the truth of pain levels and the need for exercise becomes real. Before that point there are simply phrases and platitudes that don’t take into account the wide range of possible outcomes that tend to vary from one person to the next. 

The pain is unrelenting even with narcotic drugs but mostly bearable in my case. I’ve had a full hysterectomy, had a bone grafted to my jaw, and endured an implant being placed in the back of my mouth and nothing compares to the pain levels of total knee replacement. Nonetheless, I tend to be a stoic so I mostly find ways to divert my attention from thinking about the pain by concentrating on doing something else. At the same time I tend to be a fighter like my granddaughter. Once I know what I need to accomplish I am unwilling to cease my efforts until I have met my goals. 

That being said, I also understand that tolerance to pain varies widely from one person to the next. I suspect that I am in the midrange where I can’t say that the pain is not so bad, but I also have to admit that I can only bear it with a bit of teeth gritting. It makes sense that taking out one’s knee cap and replacing the mechanism with an artificial joint that moves much like the original is not going to be a piece of cake. Fortunately, I seem to have found an outstanding surgeon to do the deed who is accompanied by an experienced group of medical experts who track my progress from day to day. As such even the smallest question or concern that I have is addressed quickly with my comfort in mind. 

I have to admit to being quite surprised by how quickly progress is made. I am now about two weeks from my surgery date and I will be walking around my home with only a cane. I have met my goal of bending the new knee at least ninety degrees and am very close to being able to hold my leg completely straight. I have devoted myself to a routine that controls the pain and keeps me from becoming stiff. It involves walking every hour on the hour and repeating exercises throughout the day. 

I’ve managed to do a load of laundry, make my bed, dress myself, and shower without help. It took a bit of time but I finally was able to put on my socks and shoes. I literally keep the memory of my granddaughter working so hard to free her limbs as my source of inspiration. If that baby girl was able to overcome the stiffness holding her back, then this old gal should be okay as well. 

My sense of compassion is in high gear right now as I think of people dealing with far worse injuries and situations. I know that my pain must seem mild compared to those with more horrific physical needs. I feel a strong sense of gratitude for the many people who are walking with me on this journey and I suppose that I have a sense that I will never again take for granted that I understand the pain or suffering of someone else. This experience has been both humbling and miraculous and I know full well that when my granddaughter graduates with high honors from college in May I will be walking without a limp and with a heart filled with pride for the woman she has become. I don’t think that I would have done nearly as well without her inspiration. 

I had a rather scary fall a few weeks ago. I got tangled in a pajama leg whose static cling unbalanced me and sent me careening across the bathroom floor. I landed with my head banging loudly on the marble of my bathtub. It was a scary moment as I lay on the ground wondering if I had broken anything. As good luck would have it I ended up being just fine other than having a great number of aches and pains on the areas of my body that took the blows. A CT scan confirmed that everything was miraculously intact and the only damage was to my psyche which felt terribly stupid in the moment. 

I joked about my mother’s oft spoken belief that I was a very hard headed child. I know that she was right in her appraisal of my personality but I prefer a more positive sounding description such as being someone with an independent mind. Where I got that trait would probably have shocked my mother because I have always believed that in many ways I am an amalgam of both of my parents. 

My father impressed me when I was an eight year old transferring from a school in Texas to one in California. The principal there insisted that I was younger than the average third grader and that my education in Texas was in all probability inferior to what was being offered in her school. She wanted to put me back into the second grade where I might have an easier time both academically and emotionally. 

I can still hear my father insisting that I did not need to conform to the so called norms of the new school. He boasted that I was a strong girl who would be able to make up any deficits that I might have with sheer will. He would not agree to holding me back but instead noted that I should be encouraged to push forward if I was willing to do the work needed to adapt. I loved him in that moment and became determined to always do whatever I needed to do to keep moving forward. As it happened I was not behind at all and my transition to the new school was as smooth as silk. 

Years later after my father died and I was entering high school my mother and I met with another principal who believed that my abilities had been overestimated by my former teachers who insisted that I be placed in advanced classes that were then known as honor classes. He reluctantly deferred to their advice but explained that he would rescue me and provide me with the proper placement once I had failed.

This time it was my mother who insisted that I would be fine. She boasted that I was a tough young woman who knew how to work hard when needed. She noted that she had taught me to be brave and to achieve beyond what people believed I might do. As I listened to her I knew exactly what my assignment was. I determined that there would never be a failure on my part no matter how hard I had to work. 

My life has been such that I have had to prove myself again and again. I don’t look like a gritty person , but I am. I know that my IQ and my testing abilities might not be as outstanding as others but I have found that in this life there is no substitute for effort and I have always been someone who gave my all to whatever I was doing. Sometimes that meant that I had to overcome challenges that pushed me beyond what even I thought I might be able to tackle. Every single time that hard headed streak in me overcame my hesitation. 

Both of my parents taught me to have a mind of my own. While they respected rules and laws they also admired people to stood up for truth and fairness. I suppose that the lessons that they quietly gave me with their own example stayed with me to this very day. Along the way to where I am now others inspired me with their courage to do the right thing when others were reticent. 

Shortly after we moved into the home where I would grow up after my father died a man murdered his wife one evening. When the shots rang out virtually everyone in the neighborhood rushed outside to see what had happened. While we were still unsure of the exact situation everyone knew that the man had been abusing his wife. During our wait for the police to arrive the man’s children were screaming and crying in a window facing the street. I was only eight but the scene horrified me and would be etched forever in my mind. 

Seemingly from out of nowhere came Mrs. Bush, a tiny but feisty woman who walked straight to the house and banged on the door demanding that the man send his children outside away from the horror of what they had witnessed. Everyone held their breaths in amazement of her courage as she kept up her demands even as the man shouted threats at her. Then the front door of the home inched open and the children came out sobbing and shaking. Without a word Mrs. Bush took them to the safety of her home. In that moment she became my hero.

Years later when I was a married adult a similar incident occurred. A man was beating his wife and his children were begging for help. One of my friends in the apartment complex bound up the stairs and threatened to break the window if she had to in order to save those youngsters. She too became a person whose bravery inspired me to learn how to speak my mind whenever situations demanded. 

I suppose that to some people I sound a bit crazed when I harp on issues and situations that I believe to be hurting others. It’s not that I am a bleeding heart or that my empathy is a weakness that pushes me to question rules. It is because my family taught me about the power of thinking for myself. Those beliefs were further reinforced by individuals who impressed me in dangerous moments when their help was crucial. Those people have been my guiding lights and the reasons why I am no longer willing to stand mutely watching wrongs. My hard head demands that I follow my heart.