Category: Commentary

Starting with Thanksgiving I’ve been buzzing around meeting up with people and having a grand time in ways that I have not experienced since 2019. I have to admit that I have lost much of my socializing stamina in the past three years of mostly staying hime and being isolated. I don’t know if my reaction is simply a matter of growing a bit older or if I’m just out of practice. 

I used to flit around from place to place, task to task, visit to visit with ease. It was as though I had an unlimited supply of energy that kept me going from early in the morning until late at night. I seemed able to tap dance, juggle and spin a plate on my head all at the same time. Now as I attempt to revive all of my old ways I’m missing steps, dropping balls, and breaking plates. I shut down sooner in the evening and sleep a little longer in the morning. It’s frustrating to me to realize that for the first time in my life I have to admit to having limits to what I am able to do before giving in to the aches in my back and knees. I find myself wondering if I’m just out of shape or if I’m simply experiencing inevitable changes in my life. 

I recall a time when my mother-in-law was about my age and she announced that she no longer had the stamina to be the grand hostess of Christmas festivities. She turned those duties over to me about twenty years ago and I had to learn how to be the driver of Christmas activities rather than the guest who simply showed up looking relaxed and festive.  It took me a while to learn how to replicate the wonderful Christmas dinners that she had always so deftly produced. In the beginning I could feel the disappointment from those who compared my humble efforts to hers. Over time only a handful of family members actually remembered her parties and mine became the gold standard for Christmas Day. With the pandemic all of that changed.

I once heard a friend describing her very simple Christmas Day traditions. Each year she made lasagna for her immediate family and they opened gifts after the meal. They followed with a bit of chatting and laughter, but the big tradition of the day meant going out to see a movie together. At the time I thought that her way of celebrating sounded a bit sad, however during the Covid times when things really slowed down I found myself wondering if maybe she had found a nice leisurely way to spend time with her small family group. Somehow her easy going dinner sounded more and more wonderful and I tried to think of ways to emulate the joyfulness of it. 

There are countless stories and movies about families running themselves ragged trying to create the most perfect Christmas memories. Doing that eventually exhausted my mother-in-law and she had to cry “Uncle!” While I’m not yet ready to surrender, I’ve decided to try some easier ways of opening my home to my extended family while still being able to keep up my strength and actually become the biblical “Mary” rather than “Martha” when they arrive. This year instead of a sit down dinner with all of the china and crystal and neatly ironed tablecloths and napkins I am offering an open house in which people will be free to come and go at any time that pleases them. I’ll have paper plates and bowls for food that I can set out as needed. The emphasis will be on just getting together, not hosting a feast that keeps me puttering in the kitchen before, during and after my guests arrive. I no longer want to finally sit down only to hear everyone announce that they are tired and ready to go home. I plan to actually visit this year.

My brother and sister-in-law have already refined their traditional Thanksgiving celebration to suit their own need to slow down just a bit. This year their children and their spouses arrived the day before the celebration to clean the house, set up tables, wash the china and silver, fold the napkins. On Thanksgiving day they brought a fully cooked turkey and dozens of side dishes that they only had to heat up. My brother and sister-in-law greeted guests and enjoyed the day in ways that they had never before experienced. It was wonderful for everyone. 

I wish I had thought of such things before my mother-in-law had to retire from Christmas duties. I might have pulled together a group to help her with set up and food preparation so that she might still have been able to experience the joy of having her loved ones come to her home for the celebration. I have finally realized that things don’t have to be perfect or always the same for everyone to have a good time. The joy of working together is often more fun. 

I’m fairly certain I can do this, but not by myself. Everyone’s going to get a job of some kind. I am learning as I go and remembering how my mother often insisted that I know when it is time to let go gracefully. All we really want is to be together. Nothing else really matters. There will be no more rushing around in a state of exhaustion if I manage to do this right. Wish me luck!

There was once a time when humans had to concentrate most of their efforts on simply surviving, moving from place to place in search of food. Over time hunting and gathering gave way to settling down somewhere amenable to growing crops, raising animals, working with a group to create a society of fellowship. Even then there was little time for doing anything other than toiling to keep food on the table and defending homes from invaders of all kinds. Nonetheless, it was in the nature of humans to try new things, new ideas. Even in primitive civilizations we witness attempts to create works of art. We find ancient tools for making work easier. We encounter instruments for making music. It is in the nature of every person to explore, to try new things, to accept challenges beyond the parameters of merely surviving. 

The uniqueness of humans lies in their ability to think outside of a box, to dare to push themselves seemingly beyond their abilities. It is this tendency that has built a legacy of artistry, innovation, inventiveness. It took thousands of years of human willingness to push the envelope of possibilities to lead to the incredible comforts of the modern world. 

I need only look around my home to be in awe of what people have managed to accomplish. The quest for more knowledge, new ideas continues even as I “write” with a tiny computer more powerful than the entire room of gigantic machines used in mankind’s journey to the moon. Thinking of the march of progress is a breathtaking and inspiring story of people willing to try new things simply because it is in our natures to explore the world of thoughts and ideas. 

My grandmothers were unable to read or write. Only two generations later I have accumulated knowledge and skills that were unimaginable to them. My grandfathers supported their families with backbreaking labor. Their grandson created the program for the navigational system of the International Space Station. We appear to be progressing in quantum leaps, but we are also in the midst of a strange time when many of our fellow humans are voicing anti-science, anti-intellectual, anti-artistic fears. They question the value of creativity and innovation and express wishes to return to simpler times, to eschew anything new or different. 

I suppose that such fears have always been the counter weight to taking risks like replacing horse drawn carriages with automobiles, or supplanting oil lamps with electric lights. No doubt there are more cautious souls among us who worry that we may be going too far when we push our explorations to points that we don’t really understand. We are hard-wired to be careful and even flee when we sense danger. Surely the unknown is the most dangerous possibility that we may ever face. 

Many of us leave it to others to be the pioneers. We only accept the work of pacesetters once it seems to be safe to do so. We are not like my husband who seems to be the first on the block to automate his home, purchase a family computer, undergo experimental medical treatments. He looks to the future with enthusiasm while others his age cling to old ideas and tried and true ways of doing things. He is a futurist who appreciates that the world is progressing more rapidly than ever. He envisions a time when the disabled will be freed from their wheelchairs and the air on our earth will be cleansed from the fumes of fossil fuels that are now choking it. He is an optimist because he believes in those toiling away to find better ways of living.

Because my focus has always been on people, I too am a dreamer. I long for a world in which we all understand that our strength lies in our diversity. Surrounding ourselves with sameness only produce a kind of intellectual lethargy and even envy or fear. We are too often reluctant to accept people whom we do not understand. These are the very reasons that we have so often warred with one another, abused those who seem different, undervalued and underrated people whose skin color, or cultures, or politics are different from our own. When we set aside our concerns and ironclad convictions and begin to learn more about each other we realize that no one type of person or nation is the best. We are all just humans attempting to make our way through life. Advancing our understanding and acceptance of differences is actually another way of making the world a better place. 

Culture wars and anti-science are destructive to a healthy society. They are the bane of peaceful progress, the creators of ignorance and evil. We would all do well to try new things, learn new ideas, demonstrate a willingness to move forward, not backward. It can be a scary thing to do, but without risks we would still be wandering around searching for food and a cave to keep us warm and dry. Try on a new perspective even if it is only a tiny step forward. It is an exhilarating way to live.

My mother used to tell me that if I always told the truth I would never have to worry that I might forget details of the story I would have to invent to cover up a lie. She also remarked that defaming accusations hurled against honest people are rarely believed if that individual insists that he/she is innocent. Truth telling was a top priority in her moral code and she lived by the integrity that was so important to her. Sadly an ironic aspect of her bipolar disorder was a paranoid fear of being accused of something she did not do and not being believed when she uttered her truths. 

In her worst moments she imagined that someone was watching her and waiting for a moment to arrest her for crimes she had never committed. When she pulled the drapes in her home tightly shut and furtively peeked between the panels to search for boogeymen we knew that she was quite sick. It was time to get the assistance of doctors who prescribed medications that somehow quieted her mind and helped her to return to reality and become the wise and delightful person that we knew as our mom. 

My mother was my hero. In spite of the debilitating illness that seemed to stalk her again and again, she managed to create a wonderful life for me and my brothers. When I think of the balancing act that she had to endure to fight off the illness that few understood or wanted to talk about, I am in awe of her courage and her willingness to forgive those who turned away from her in fear of her changing personality. Somehow sho chose to love them even when they hurt her. Always she remained the most honest person I have ever known. 

I seem to have an eye for noticing someone who is suffering from a mental illness. I often wonder why even the members of their family do not appear to have a clue that the erratic behaviors they are witnessing are a sickness, and not just an undesirable way of acting. They look away or even push such persons away rather than coaxing them to get the treatments that they need. I suppose that the fear of confrontation keeps many sick individuals from receiving the care that they deserve. It can indeed be a challenging process to convince a psychotic individual whose paranoia is raging to trust you to do the right thing. Nonetheless, it is worth the effort to at least try. 

Now and again I observe celebrities who are out of control, seeking attention in horrible ways. Often I sense that they are actually quite sick and in need of medication and therapy rather than our indignation and judgement. Society does not always demonstrate the compassion that such people need, but instead spurns and isolates them. If the person is lucky one of their own will notice the erratic nature of their actions and guide them to find the help that they need. 

In my decades long quest to care for my mother I read many books about bipolar disorder. One of them was written by the actress, Patty Duke, who suffered from the same disease as Mama. Ms. Duke was lurching out of control in a manic state that created problems for her career and her family life. She detailed her outbursts in the book and spoke of the moment that changed everything for the better. It happened after she appeared on the Tonight Show when it was hosted by Johnny Carson. She was in a highly agitated state as she boasted that she was going to build an ark in Arizona. As she chattered rapidly the audience laughed and Johnny made funny faces. She came across as a kooky character and little more.

After the show Ms. Duke received a phone call from Frank Sinatra. The two of them had never before met in person, but of course they knew of each other. Frank told Patty that he had been watching the show and that he was exceedingly concerned about her. He urged her to go see her doctor and to be very honest with him about how she was feeling. He insisted that he was going to bug her until she had done what he had counselled her to do. She was so overwhelmed by his demands that she meekly obeyed and called a doctor the following day. 

The rest of the story is legendary. Patty Duke was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and given medication to ease the symptoms. She lived the rest of her life educating and advocating for the mentally ill. Her days were full and happy in a way that they had never before been. She credited Frank Sinatra with saving her even though he did not personally know her. She urged people to follow Sinatra’s example and never ignore the signs that a person needs help.

It is difficult to witness mental illness and even more difficult to do something to get medical attention for the person who is suffering. Mental illness is chronic in most cases so the cycle of illness and treatment becomes a lifetime journey. It’s up to loved ones to do as much for those with mental illnesses as they would if they had other diseases of the body. The truth is that too many fear the symptoms of mental illness and turn away from those who present them. I urge everyone to help instead of laughing or pretending or shunning. It’s well past time to bring mental illness out of the darkness by talking about it openly. Truth is a verb that calls for action.  

Life can feel unexciting at times as our days become a never ending repetition of themselves. We may consider the sameness of our routines to be boring, perhaps even dreary, but the unpredictability of life inevitably catches up with us in one way or another. The unexpected can be exciting, make us happy, or it can rock our world, leaving us groping for the everyday schedules that once made us complain. In truth our journeys through the cycles of the earth are a complex mixture of calm and anxiety brought on by forces that we can neither predict nor control.

I’ve learned to greet the morning with gratitude for simply waking up one more time. As each hour passes during a typical day I am thankful if no emergency arises. I no longer crave excitement like I once did. Calmness is my ally, sameness makes me smile. Experience has taught me to be prepared for anything, even as I know that sometimes the unimaginable will leave me quaking, unsteady in my resolve. Adjusting to new ways, to loss of certainty is always a massive challenge. 

There is only so much that we might generally predict. We know that there will be seasons in our lives but we can never be sure of how they may ultimately affect us. We’ve learned how to reasonably predict the weather but not to pinpoint who will be most impacted by it. We set up our calendars knowing that everything on them is subject to change given unexpected circumstances. We have control of our lives but only in how we choose to react to the events that unfold beyond that control. 

Our shared human experiences have the power to bring us together in support and compassion, but that does not always happen. Each of us responds differently to challenges and sometimes we cannot even predict our own behavior in difficult times, much less the actions of others. In many ways life is a puzzle, a difficult maze, a game that we will sometimes navigate with ease and other moments with a feeling of being totally lost. 

It’s easy to watch others struggling and believe that we might do better in the same situation, but we don’t really know if that is true until we experience our own crises. As humans we would be wise to pontificate less and attempt to understand more. But for the grace of God, as my mother often said, we might collapse under the pressures that some of our fellow humans must endure. It’s easy to condemn the person who attempts to illegally enter our country, but how often have we taken the time to actually speak to such an individual? Have we truly listened to their reasons for taking such great risks? Do we even try to visualize what we may be willing to do given the same circumstances?

For some reason people often open their hearts to me. I learn from them that there are times when life becomes so unbearable that they must take extraordinary steps to ease their pain. A father may steal from a store to feed his children. A mother may subject herself to indignities to keep her family together. A family may find themselves living in a car behind a funeral home that allows them to use the restroom facilities before going to bed at night on seats and floorboards padded with blankets. A son may lose his life in violence for no reason at all. A nation may be invaded at the whim of a madman. 

How would each of us react in such situations? We think we know, but desperation has a way of channeling our behaviors in very unpredictable directions. I was quiet and shy until my mother required my care when I was not quite yet an adult. I whined and cried and wailed at the heavens for a time, but eventually realized that either I would accept my new role or watch my entire family suffer. I had to push myself to become an aggressive advocate for my mother and for my younger brothers. It was uncomfortable, an ill fit with my natural temperament and I often dreamed of simply running away. Instead I pushed myself to become a different person than I had expected to be. Thankfully it made me a better person than I might have been. 

The unpredictable is a double edged sword. It can be fun and exciting or it can attempt to crush us entirely. We can never really know how we will do until such moments taunt us to demonstrate who we are. In the back of our minds we know that there may one day be a time when the pressure is too much and we will break into a thousand pieces. We would do well to be understanding when we see someone who has shattered under life’s pressure rather than judging them harshly or thinking them weak.

I sit in my safe little home each morning tapping my fingers on the keys that string letters together to make words that express my feelings. Most days I have a fairly good idea of where the hours will lead me, but I also know how unpredictable even the most serene beginning of my routine might be. I hope and pray that all will go well and that I will have whatever strength I need to deal with surprises. I can’t really predict how things will progress or how I will be affected by them. All I can do is take one minute at a time and try to be grateful for the quiet and the calm. The unpredictable game of life will most certainly challenge me just when I least expect.

I suppose that my favorite parable is the story of the Prodigal Son. It encapsulates my feelings about the people that I love. A son turns away from his family and is estranged from them for a very long time. When he decides to return his father greets him with love and forgiveness without question. I tend to very much be like that father. I value my relationships so much that even when someone has hurt me, I am willing to take them back into my good graces if they decide to return. My commitment to family and friends is for life, but I am also realistic enough to understand that there are some situations that make reconciliation almost impossible. 

In my work I have heard of unbearable abuse of women by their husbands, and children by their parents. There is no reason to think that those who have been maliciously hurt should welcome their tormentors back into the fold. Some people are so toxic that the only healthy thing to do is to cut them off like a cancer. Freeing themselves from either emotional or physical battering is a necessary step in asserting their own worth. Nobody should ever have to endure the pain and hurt of bad behaviors that tear them apart. It’s important that we support those attempting to extricate themselves from horrific situations. 

I have never had to endure either verbal or bodily beatings so I can only imagine what it is like for those who have been badly injured by someone who should have loved them. I saw only glimpses of uncontrolled anger in the moments when my mother’s bipolar disorder lead to a mania so debilitating for her that she raged with words that she would never have uttered when she was well. Such times were a sign to me and my brothers that she needed medical help to still the demons of her diseased mind. I knew to ignore her outbursts because they were only an outlet for the fears brought on by psychosis. Medication promptly returned her to her usual loving self. 

In most cases we lose friends or family members because they simply move on to a new phase of life, not because of a disagreement. As we grow and change so do our relationships. We may find that we don’t feel as comfortable as we once did with someone who had been very close. We drift apart and are lost to each other before we even realize what has happened. Sometimes people who have been far away from us suddenly return and we realize that it is possible to pick up the friendship once again without effort. We fit together like two pieces of a puzzle.

So it is with my friend, Nancy. She and I met in high school and felt a strong connection almost immediately. Both of us had lost our fathers when we were quite young. Both had beautiful caring mothers who worked hard to keep us safe and happy. We went to the same university and spent time dreaming of our futures which ultimately took us in different directions. Time passed so quickly that we were retired before we connected once again. The magic of our friendship was still very much intact. We picked up our conversation exactly where we had left it forty years before. Our reunion was as smooth as if we had only been apart for a few days. 

I have a cousin who moved away from the family years ago. I have only seen him at funerals for the past fifty years. He comes to honor those who have died and then promptly returns to his life in another state. He is not much for writing or talking on the phone. He does not even send Christmas cards, but my love for him is as deep and warm as it always has been. I sometimes worry that he does not realize that he is forever in my heart. I know that he has his reasons for staying away and I respect his decision, but I find myself hoping that he does not think that I have forgotten him or that my feelings for him have weakened in any way. 

I fight for some relationships and let others end because I know that it is best to halt them. People come and go and sometimes come back again. It is the way of the human experience, and yet like the father of the prodigal son, I am always open to welcoming them back into my life whenever they choose to return. The magic of reigniting a long lost friendship is one of the most beautiful feelings that there is. 

My first best friend was Lynda Barry. We met when we were only six years old. She lived across the street from my house and we hit it off instantly. We spent whole days playing childhood games and making pinky promises to never desert each other. Life and our careers took hold and sent us in opposite directions but now and again we call each other on the telephone and converse for hours just like we did as little girls. We seem to have a mind meld that is unbreakable and ours is an understanding that we will love each other forever even if we do not see each other again. 

In this Christmas season I think of the people I have known and loved. I can’t begin to describe how important they have been to me. Some have gone to other places to live their lives, others have died, most are still very much present. All of them have been worth fighting for, worth loving with every bit of heart that I have.