Category: Commentary

I think that all of us have endured times when we had to move beyond tragedies and major challenges. We woke up, dressed up, showed up and refused to give up. Watching people keep going when the going is tough beyond all imagination always inspires me, but it also brings out my compassion for them. 

My mother was a world class expert at pushing herself to overcome difficulties . She got knocked down so many times the it would be impossible to recount all of her setbacks. She lost a fiancee during World War II then lost my father when she was only thirty years old. She had three children under the age of nine to feed and raise and protect without any kind of income. Somehow she found her footing and her make believe “money tree” that kept our family going.

Just when all seemed to be falling into place for my mom she had a breakdown that would be devastating to see. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and would spend the next forty years of her life yo-yoing back and forth between health and mental illness. Though it all she managed to buy and pay for two houses, earn a college degree, get me and my brothers safely to adulthood, and maintain an optimism that belied all of the difficulties she had endured. 

Of course my Mama is my role model when it comes to overcoming hard times but I have witnessed unbelievable courage from work colleagues and friends as well. Just recently a young mother that I know was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her journey to health involved surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation. She was sick for over six months but still managed to show up for work on most days. Given that she was also a great mom to her three young children I found myself in unadulterated awe of her courage. The good news is that she is now cancer free and enjoying life with new found gusto. 

There is also the man whose son was killed in a road rage incident after a baseball game. What was supposed to be a fun evening turned into horror and he has struggled with his new reality quite openly in the hopes of using his story to help others to deal with restarting life after the death of a child. He has taught me so much about how to approach someone whose loved one has died from violence. I have learned how to face and discuss the reality of such situations with greater understanding. I no longer talk about speaking of how I have been blessed for my good fortune because he has made me aware that doing so insinuates that God took care of me but was not willing to take care of his son. I am much more careful with my words and much more willing to just let a person seethe when dealing with the unspeakable. 

I have yet another friend who spent years caring for her husband who was afflicted with early onset Alzheimer’s disease. There were days when I could not imagine how she came to work and managed to keep her sorrows out of performing her duties. Those years alone would have branded her a saint in my eyes but there was more unexpected difficulty to come. After her husband died at a young age she found new love with a man that she had known in high school. The two of them had both lost their spouses prematurely. At first they were just good friends comforting each other, but before long they realized how wonderful it felt together. They began a new life that brought them much joy. Unfortunately he has been recently diagnosed with some very scary illnesses and once again my friend is navigating between caring for him and moving forward from day to day. Somehow she still has the optimism that took her through her previous tragedy. We are all cheering for her and for a full recovery for her husband. Somehow it seems only right that she should not have to lose the one she loves again.

Then there is a cousin of mine who has now been diagnosed with brain cancer twice and she is only in her forties. She has two youngsters in the sixth and fourth grades and her treatments have been mindbogglingly difficult. Nonetheless she has kept the children centered and happy as they begin a new year of school. It is beyond me how she keeps smiling and thinking only of her babies but she digs deeply and finds the fortitude she needs without complaint. 

We all know such people and hope that when it is our turn to face difficult times what we will have the courage and wherewithal to wake up, dress up, show up and refuse to give up. The best among us somehow show us how it’s done. Still, we might take time to remember them and acknowledge how wonderful we know them to be. I think they would like knowing that we admire them. When the going gets tough, the tough keep going but we should be walking alongside them on their journeys.

As a child I always felt completely safe even though my mother sometimes warned me of dangers that might not have seemed so bad to me. She preached caution constantly like not opening the door to strangers and never getting into a car with someone I did not know. She was so worried that she had to really know the members of a family before allowing me to go inside homes to play with friends. She was never a fan of having me spend the night away from home either. I suppose like most kids I found her concerns to be over the top. I tended to believe in the goodness of all people and never really understood why she was so restrictive with me. 

As an adult I began to learn of terrible things that happened to young children when nobody was looking. I soon enough realized that my mother’s cautionary warnings grew out of both love and the reality of the world in which we live. I suppose that mostly nothing really bad happened to me because I was afraid of getting into trouble if I disobeyed. I eventually saw her wisdom in keeping me somewhat sheltered from harm. Even in the few times that a difficult situation occurred I knew exactly how to handle myself because of her constant advice. 

We want to protect our youngsters and yet it is not always possible. They might go to school and be there when a shooter takes out his rage. They may be just having silly childish fun and end up frightening someone enough to shoot first and ask questions about what is really happening later. 

Even with all of my mother’s admonishments I played pranks just like most kids do. Back then the big thing was to make crank phone calls. We had so much fun pulling a joke on friends and even strangers. iI never occurred to us that our silliness might be taken seriously and end up with a heap of trouble. So it was with wrapping houses when my daughters were young. Not only did our place get swathed with rolls of toilet paper but my daughters often joined groups to play the same tricks on other friends. While my husband and I watched through the cracks of our blinds as kids decorated our trees and and our lawn some folks got rather angry. I know that one of my daughter’s friends, who was wonderful young man, once encountered an angry father who was ready to call the police when he caught him papering his property. 

I suppose that things have become even more iffy in today’s world when people have so many guns that they are ready to point and use if they suspect that they are in danger from an intruder. So it was in my town when a young boy was playing what they now call “ding dong ditch” with his friends on a weekend evening. The young man who was only eleven years old rang a doorbell and quickly ran away but the owner of the house was ready with his gun and shot the boy in the back as he darted from the house. Many lives have been ruined over this tragedy because not only is the boy dead but the man who shot him has been jailed for murder. 

I don’t know how this will ultimately play out but I learned some time ago to be careful about approaching a home late at night when the people inside were not expecting me. My husband and I had gone to visit his parents and went to the backdoor rather than the front to rouse his parents with a knock. Our surprise visit was greeted by his father who held a loaded and cocked pistol. Luckily my husband had the presence of mind to address his father before he pulled the trigger but everyone was rattled in the aftermath. It had been so dark that my father-in-law had no idea who was out there in the shadows of night. Needless to say we never again when to my in-law’s home without first warning them that we were on our way.

I know that kids will continue to pull pranks and that people inside homes will continue to be frightened when it is late at night. The potential for an innocent death is great in these times when people are more and more frightened and more and more armed. Back in my day folks often left their doors open until they retired for bed and even then windows were open to let in air because air conditioners were rare. I don’t think they were very fearful and all but times have changed.

The proliferation of fear and guns creates an accident waiting to happen so parents would do well to keep track of their children at all times, especially at night. I would warn young people not to go up to porches and doorways after a certain hour and never if they do not know the people inside. I hate to be a wet blanket limiting the antics that have been around since Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn but it is just too dangerous to be free range like kids once were. It’s sad but the reality of what might happen is very real.

I grieve for the parents of that young boy and for the family of the man whose trigger finger put him in jail. I suspect we will have many points of view regarding this horrific event but perhaps my mother was right in voicing some caution. As parents we have to educate and protect our young. If we teach them well perhaps they will be lucky enough to avoid a deadly encounter.

Last fall Mike and I travelled to San Antonio to attend a Sting and Billy Joel concert. We love Sting and thought that Billy Joel might be fun as well. As fate would have it, we literally spent hours in a massive traffic jam and did not reach our seats at the Alamodome until Sting’s last song. We consoled ourselves with the fact that we had seen him rather recently but we were still rather disappointed as we waited for Billy Joel during the intermission. 

The man who came out on the stage seemed like an imposter with his bald head and beard but as soon as he sat down at the piano and began to play we knew that he was the real deal. The show of familiar tunes and a few that we did not recognize turned out to be one of the best we had ever seen. Billy rocked us all night long and by the end of the program the lights from phones filled the arena as everyone sang along. We marveled that we had been treated to more than our money’s worth that evening.

What we did not know is much about Billy Joel’s life story until we saw that there was a two part documentary on HBO produced by Tom Hanks. It was there that we we began to realize the musical genius of this complex man more deeply. After almost four hours of viewing we were marveling even more than we had at the concert.

Billy is the son of musical parents. His father was a pianist and his mother was a singer. He was encouraged from an early age to play the piano but he soon tired of just reading notes and began to create songs from the music that played in his head. His talent moved him to play classical pieces in different genres like rock and roll and jazz. He knew from an early age that he had to make music and his mother supported his dreams as his biggest fan.

Billy’s father was from a once wealthy Jewish family that had lost their business in Germany during Hitler’s dominance. They were all sent to concentration camps including Billy’s dad during the time of Hitler’s reogn. All of the family members died with the exception of Billy’s father who emigrated to the United States after the war. There he met Billy’s mom while the two of them were playing and singing in a musical. They married and started a family but he was never very happy and abandoned them. Billy spent most of his life not knowing what had become of his dad.

Billy’s mom struggled to care for Billy and her sister. Her bipolar disorder sometimes stole away her energy and her love for the children but Billy was devoted to her in spite of her shortcomings. She was also a heavy drinker often quelling her anxieties with alcohol. Life was erratic but Billy clung to the fun times when his mother would sing along with him with so much joy. When he chose to join a band rather than continuing his education after high school, she encouraged him to find a way to showcase his talent. 

The early years of breaking into the business were fun but lean in terms of dependable income. Billy nonetheless knew in his heart that he had something big to offer the world. He bunked with a friend and the friend’s wife while the two men found gigs and built a bit of interest in their music. Along the way he fell in love with his friend’s wife who became his muse. Many of his early songs were inspired by her and eventually she divorced her husband and followed Billy wherever he went. 

Billy Joel’s songwriting style is to write lyrics about what he knows, so many of his songs are deeply personal. They tell stories of his love, his struggles and his everyman journey. Getting them to the public was gruelling but with dedication and hard work he eventually found a modicum of success only to learn that the man who had been managing his talent had absconded with most of the funds. He had to restart his career from the beginning. Since his mind was filled with one song after another the hits kept coming. 

Sadly Billy shared some of the demons that had plagued his mother and father, including depression and heavy drinking. Eventually his boughts with alcohol and drugs were too much for his wife to handle and so she left to protect her son. Ironically she still loved Billy and he loved her but their life together was over. 

Billy has had a series of wives including Christie Brinkley who was as taken with him as his first wife had been. By the time he met Christie he was in the middle of a successful stride and was experimenting with many different sounds and types of music. He even wrote a classical piece, or at least played it, and then asked a classical pianist to write down the notes for the music. It is incredibly lovely and at one time was at the top of the classical music charts beating artists like YoYo Ma. 

Billy continued an on again off again relationship with alcohol much like his mother had always done. It damaged his romantic relationships and sometimes even his friendships but ultimately the interesting thing about Billy Joel is that even the people that he hurt still love and adore him. They seem to understand the pitfalls of genius that haunted him over the years. 

At some point Billy learned that his father had returned to Europe after he left the family. He settled down in Austria and married again. Billy found that he had a brother and the two met each other and became fast friends. His brother is a conductor so the music gene seems to be an important aspect of being a Joel. 

Billy loves the people who have been in his life and they love him. He has children who seem to echo his talent and his penchant for loving deeply. Sadly he has recently had to cancel his tours for health problems. I certainly hope he knows how much those of us who are his fans love him. His music is timeless and has been a great gift to the world. If you get a chance watch the documentary or maybe just stream a few of his songs. He is a piano man extraordinaire. 

I’ve done a great deal of teaching and tutoring over the years and I am still at it. I specialize in mathematics because I see so many people who are terrified of numbers. I was never a favorite teacher because of the way I made the subject that I taught exciting but because I made it understandable. 

 I have often encountered students who have given up on themselves when it comes to math. They tell me stories of hating numbers and word problems from the time they were quite young. I have heard the refrain, “I’m just no good at this kind of thing” over and over again.” They seem to be defeated before they even try to overcome their fears and negative beliefs. 

One of the worst situations involved a young man who had not performed well on a fourth grade STARR test. His fifth grade teacher hastily scheduled a conference with his mother to warn the mom that the boy was not likely to pass the fifth grade test at the end of the year. The teacher explained that the best course of action would be to take him slowly though the curriculum and let him know that it would be okay when he failed the end of year exam. He would be able to repeat fifth grade and in the process gain the maturity he needed to ultimately succeed. 

The mom was stunned and got a referral for my services from her sister-in-law whose children I was homeschooling. When I heard the tale I immediately agreed to work with child all year long. I did not tell the mother how angry I was that anyone had been so brusque with her son as to conclude failure before he even had a chance to improve. 

I met the young man and could tell that his confidence was in tatters. He said that he wanted to be smart like his father who was a mechanical engineer but the boy had come to believe that he would never be that way. He was wary about answering questions lest he prove that he was indeed not so bright. He had accepted the idea that something was wrong with him.

I spent the next many meetings attempting to help him to understand that he was in fact quite intelligent. I turned the learning into sessions designed to demonstrate to him that he was not only capable of learning anything but actually someone who caught on to concepts very quickly. I insisted that he was teaching me things that I had not known. Slowly but surely he began to believe in himself once again. 

I’m happy to say the this child did indeed pass the STARR test at the end of the year with a Commended score. I kept tutoring him until he had completed Pre-Calculus in High School with all A’s and B’s. At our last session I asked him if he knew how smart he is and with a beaming smile he shook his head up and down with a rousing, “Yes!”

I suppose this story means much to me because I was also a Dean of Faculty charged with mentoring and guiding teachers. I was fortunate to work with the best of the best but I would have been quite disturbed if I had learned of a teacher who was actually setting students up for failure before they even had a chance to try to do better. Sadly I know that such individuals do exist and I can’t imagine why they would want to call themselves educators. 

My university called education a science rather than an art but I tend to believe that it is a bit of both. Without the art attempts at teaching are doomed. There are great teachers who go well beyond conveying the skills of a subject. They have perfected the art of inspiring students and helping them to realize potential that they may not have realized they have. Those are the teachers who are remembered forever. They tap into the human spirit in ways that bring out the very best in their pupils. They are the teachers who understand that many young people are sometimes reticent to even believe in their own capabilities. It is their job to show them how to realize the full potential of their lives.

We have all encountered such wonderful teachers and left their care with confidence that was missing before we met them. I think of the English teacher who taught me how to write, the art teacher who showed me the creativity that was always mine, the P.E. teacher who convinced me that I am not a hopeless klutz, the professor who inspired me to understand how to bring out the best in every student. 

I love teachers. Most of them are dedicated and delightful people. When we find those who are defeating our students before they even try, we might gently show them how to change their methods or, failing that, suggest other ways for them to earn a living. People like that are not educators. They are simply folks who are unhappy with their jobs. We do them and the students a favor by redirecting them to a career they might enjoy. Most teachers do so much more and in being so wonderful they enrich the world.

When I was young back in the sixties one of the local television stations used to air old back and white movies from the forties each afternoon. I was a hardworking student back then so it was nice to relax for a time watching those films before starting my homework which usually took until close to midnight to complete. I enjoyed whatever happened to be showing on any given day, but some of the most delightful offerings featured teenagers of the time dancing the jitterbug with pure delight. 

I suppose that I was particularly taken by such scenes because my mother would have been a teenager herself when those movies were premiering in the downtown Houston movie houses. She often spoke with delight about catching a bus at the end of her street and riding to town to watch her favorite actors and actresses on the big screen. She often boasted that she learned how to do the dances of the era from carefully watching the pros and then practicing the steps before showing her acumen in public. 

My mother was an incredible student of dance. It’s sometimes hard to believe that she never had any official instruction because she looked like a pro whenever she demonstrated her graceful moves. She was so light on her feet that it felt as though she was literally floating on a cloud of air just above the floor. 

Mama often recounted how she would walk many miles to a nearby park where dances were held at a pavilion on Friday nights. She was a real beauty back then likened to Hedy Lamarr according to her siblings. It never took long before some young man would ask her to dance and she was always ready to demonstrate her footwork abilities. Soon enought the best dancers were partnering with her and her sisters said that sometimes the crowd would circle around the couple clapping and cheering as they preformed their stunning moves just like in the movies. 

I loved hearing such stories. I saw my mother dancing in her forties and she was still as spry and lively as ever. I realized what a true talent she had. She always looked so happy as she showed us how to jitterbug and tap dance and waltz. She tried to teach me and my brothers but somehow we just did not have the same talent that she possessed. It would be my daughter who would gloriously emulate her grandmother with an incredible bent for dancing. 

Even as my mother grew older and heavier she stunned people when she took to the dance floor. There was something etherial about her gracefulness and the way in which she glided so smoothly. People were still in awe of her eighty something year old self as she stole the show at weddings and birthday celebrations. 

Mama’s last dance came at the wedding of my niece. My mother was dying of lung cancer but none of us realized it then. She was feeling weaker and weaker and yet she somehow found the energy to pull herself together. I remember that she looked particularly beautiful on that day. In fact, when she arrived at the wedding ceremony people gasped at her loveliness. Later that evening as she danced with one of her grandsons she was radiant. She would eventually tell me that she had felt weak and she worried that she might not make it through the song. She loved that her grandson kept a strong grip on her as though he understood that she needed his assistance to complete her final dance. 

It would be only weeks later that my mother died in the ICU of St. Luke’s Hospital. She was quite content with her fate as the family surrounded her. She smiled often and insisted that she was feeling no pain. Her life had been difficult but she had managed to maintain her optimism as she danced through it all.

Later my daughters and I would marvel at how beautiful her end had been. She was not afraid of what lie ahead. We talked about how much she liked to dance and my girls remembered times when my mother would turn on disco music and teach them how to perform the latest steps. They smiled at the memories of twirling around the room with their Grammy feeling as though they were stars and she was their teacher. 

I still can’t watch great dancers without thinking of my mother. She was a self taught force of nature who took life by the tail and ran all the way to the end. It was beautiful to see.