Category: Commentary

It’s a cold rainy weekend day as I write this. For many that would be a rather dreary prospect but I happen to enjoy the kind of days when the skies are gray, the temperature is low and everyone seems to be more inclined to stay inside. I find that such days put me in a very appreciative mood. I think of my good fortune in having a sturdy roof over my head and a heater that keeps the rooms feeling just right. I’ve got time to write blogs and read books because nobody wants to do much more than stay home on days like this. I have the perfect excuse for simply reveling in the quiet and slow pace that such a day seems to bring. 

I hear the sound of the falling rain interrupted now and again by a clap of thunder and I know that my plants will be very happy. I think of making some hot tea or maybe even baking a cake or some banana bread. I have every possible excuse for doing whatever tickles my fancy on such days and with all of the bad news seemingly overtaking us day by day I like the idea of using the rain as a way of easing my anxieties. The weather provides a mental health day that I need not explain to anyone. It is my way of taking a breather and resting a bit. 

It is quiet in the house save for the pattering of raindrops on the roof. Somehow the sounds of nature doing its thing are all that I need to feel refreshed and part of the bigger picture of life. Just when I felt a bit down here came the rain to brighten my spirits. 

Now you may be thinking that rain would be a downer for me. Surely I would enjoy a sunny day much more. Those blue skies and bright lights are quite lovely indeed but I know that there are places where there has been little or no rain for quite sometime. An overabundance of dry days has filled the landscape with shades of brown and earthen colors in many parts of the world. Where I live the rain keeps things green and lively. I am incredibly grateful for that. 

I think of those who are enduring famine or fires because of a lack of rain and am reminded to take the time to do something to help them however I might. Just because I have what I want and need does not mean that I should forget the places and the people who worry about the plunging levels of water. Rain has more and more become like gold as long as there is not an overabundance of it. 

There was a time after hurricane Harvey when rain made me worry. I was unable to relax as I constantly looked out my window to be certain that the water in the street was flowing away from my lawn. I was awakened by the arrival of storms and sometimes not able to return to my slumbers.

I suppose that I have become less concerned that rain equates with danger in the eight years since that incredible event brought over fifty inches of rain to the area where I live. I still wonder how it was possible that the rising levels of water never went over the curb and into my yard. When I saw the damage done to the homes of nearby neighbors, friends and relatives I almost felt guilty to have been so fortunate. For a very long time rain made me a bit crazy but now such feelings are gone. 

My flood insurance costs a small fortune these days and is bound to go higher and higher over time. I wonder what the tipping point will be for those of us who live in places that flood from time to time. Still I am certain that I would rather worry about water encroaching on my home than fire overtaking it. I can clean out the muck and replace the walls but when a home burns nothing is left. I suppose that fires in Hawaii and Los Angeles have made me feel more and more partial to the rainy days that seem to show up regularly. 

So today is a good day. The skies are gray but my heart is feeling content. I have time to dwell on the luck that I have had for most of my life. I know I need to share some of the good fortune that began with my wonderful parents and has continued with a host of dear friends and an extended family that is ever present to help me with all of my needs. Out of gratitude I will do something wonderful for someone who is having a difficult time. The rain reminds me of my duty and gives me the opportunity today to plan for tomorrow. How lovely is that?  

I have suffered from a bout with writer’s block for several days now. I did not want to drive away those who read my blogs by pounding on politics at every turn, but at the same time my efforts to be optimistic began to sound trite. I found myself staring at the blank screen on my laptop without a single thought worthy of a sentence much less a paragraph. Then I met with a little girl who was struggling with her emotions and her school work. 

She shyly spoke of the anxieties that were almost paralyzing her. She was worried about people that she knew who were suffering and she feeling inept in comforting them. She compared herself to individuals who appeared to be stronger and more intelligent and always came out less than in her own estimation. I listened attentively to the outpouring of her heart. 

I understand what it is like to feel the pain of the world around me. i explained to the youngster that it is because she is so empathetic that she is feeling overwhelmed. I suggested that sometimes it is okay to take a break from the emotions that are sapping her energy. I tried to help her realize that self care is important for people like her who literally feel the distress that others are experiencing. If such situations become too much to bear the body and the mind react to protect the individual from being engulfed. 

The world can be difficult to navigate in even the most mundane times. When we are rocked by a series of events that are out of the ordinary and hurtful to ourselves or others it becomes more and more difficult to find the serenity that we crave. Since the inauguration of Donald Trump the world has been rocked over and over again. Little wonder that most of us are feeling confused and maybe even a bit hopeless. We might have a desire to just turn off the noise for a time and pretend that horrific things are not happening. It’s our way of dealing with the toxic thoughts and actions that seem to be taunting us. 

We have watched our nation’s agencies being gutted by a group of young men in their twenties who appear to be randomly making decisions without any kind of plan other than making our government lean in terms of numbers of employees. Anyone who has ever been part of an organization knows that there are always improvements to be made but enacting them requires teamwork and careful decision making. Taking a chainsaw to programs has resulted in grave mistakes that will ultimately have a negative impact on all of us.

We may want to have more control over the immigration process in the United States but the answer does not lie in sending men wearing black clothes and wearing masks to pick up individuals who legally protested and then sending them off without due process to determine whether are not they should indeed be deported. We can’t just accept that groups of men sent to a grotesque prison in El Salvador are guilty of being gang members without any form of proof other than tattoos and associations. 

It has been difficult to witness our president praising Russia while demeaning Ukraine and our once staunch European allies. How are we supposed to react when the geopolitical policies of our entire lifetimes are being thrown into the wind? We feel less secure knowing that once friendly nations no longer trust us to work with them. It’s difficult to understand how any good can come from bashing our friends. 

The economy is reeling with the announcement of tariffs on virtually every country in the world with the exception of Russia and Hungary. The formula used to determine the tariffs makes no sense and files in the face of reality. Economists of every stripe tells us that this latest action will not raise the revenue that Trump expects but will place the burden of higher prices on every American citizen and business. All of the progress in keeping our economy safe and secure even after the Covid epidemic has down the drain. The investments of pensions and 401K plans are losing value by the minute. Stocks are falling.

We have a mad king running off to golf competitions while our nation is falling apart and we appear to be unable to stop the damage he is inflicting on us. What could possible go wrong? Why should we be so worried? 

After licking my wounds for a time I realize that none of us can afford to simply look away and hope for the best. It will require a concerted effort from every American to stop the bleeding of our nation. We cannot be silent and expect things to change. We have a malevolent bully running our country, a spoiled child who is running amok. We have to let him and his allies know that will no longer idly sit by and just take it. We will use our voices and our votes to send a loud message to anyone who supports the runaway train that Trump is driving. The America he is creating is a nightmare and contrary to everything that has ever been good about this country. Our Founding Fathers created a new nation dedicated to the notion that of the people working together. They rid us of a king and we should not accept two hundred fifty years later. We should be horrified that Trump and his cronies are openly seeking vengeance on anyone who has ever disagreed with him. That is now how the system was designed to work.

I may have to rest a bit now and again but I will always return. My voice will ring out. Freedom and dignity for all  is my cause. I will speak out.

I strut around like I’m a thirty year old in the prime of my life, but my body constantly reminds me that I left that station over forty years ago. I no longer have to remind myself to parcel my energy in small doses. My body does a great job of telling me when it is time to take a break. It’s frustrating to me and my type A personality to have to slow down, especially in a time of upheaval when my talents for getting things done seem to be more and more in need. It is frustrating to have to be wary of overdoing it and at times I feel as though I am falling farther and farther behind in the marathon of life. 

I am still balancing a great deal of responsibility that demands my daily attention but the aging of my body keeps getting in the way of my still very clear and active mind. When I work too long in my yard my arthritic hips and knees creak and groan and sometimes even give up on me. Being as determined as I am, I find ways to limp around and keep going. I have daily routines that must be carried out for my ninety six year old father-in-law who requires special foods and carefully timed meals along with maintenance of his clothing and the room where he stays in my home. 

My husband is a great partner who still keeps going by my side, but he is riddled with health issues that send us regularly to doctors’ appointments that seem to reveal more and more aspects of his body that are falling apart. I count my good fortune that his medical community has kept him intact but sometimes it becomes a bit depressing to face the reality that me and my contemporaries are truly growing older. 

Both of my brothers have been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease so now I feel that I must also spend more time with them. They have good support from their spouses and children but I feel that every moment that we have together is precious. We have been the three muskateers since our father died when we were small children. As the eldest of our group I have always felt a sense of protectiveness for them. I had always assumed that we would ride into the sunset of life together and that our active lives would stretch on for many more decades. Now I am not so certain that this will happen, so I crave their company even as I seem to have less and less time or opportunity to be with them. 

Family has always been everything for me and they will always come first but I also feel more and more of a need to be with my friends. I suppose that I am in the stage of life when I have begun to lose more and more of the people that I love on a regular basis. I know that this is all part of the inevitable circle of life but it comes at a time when there is so much happening all at once that I feel many of the connections slipping away. Some of my dearest friends need me as much as my family does but find the time to nurture them as well sometimes seems elusive. It is a frustrating situation that I suppose all people face as they grow older. 

I want more than anything to leave a better world for my children, grandchildren and all of the young people who will still be here when I am gone. That task seemed to be right on target for a time but of late I worry that they will have many more problems and much more challenging lives than I ever had to face. The unraveling of our nation with purposely created culture wars and upheavals that threaten our very democracy worry me more than anything. I am watching the dismantling of our reputation and our alliances being turned upside down and inside out with horror. I want to do something that will make a difference and yet I have never before felt so useless and discouraged by the reality that a single person is tearing things apart and nobody appears to be able to stop him. 

There is not a moment in each day when I feel free to forget about what is happening in my beloved country. I try to distract myself by continuing to teach and tutor young people in mathematics. It takes the edge off of my worries but the whispers that suggest that our nation is in dire trouble still find their way into the corners of my mind. I write blogs expressing my views but know that I am only preaching to the choir. Those who seem to think that everything is not just okay but even better than ever stopped listening to me long ago. It is frustrating to think that so many of us are seeing the world in such diametrically opposite ways. Sometime have to pinch myself and ask if I am the one who is so very wrong because no matter what ridiculous things happen in the dissolution of our liberty a goodly number of Americans cheer and celebrate as though everything is fine. 

My witching hour begins in the darkness of early morning. Since January when our new president was inaugurated I awake at half past three and attempt to make sense of my new reality. I think of what I might say, what I might do, how I will balance all of my responsibilities and pray with great hope that I will have the energy and good health to accurately and actively do the right thing, whatever that may be. I am determined to keep the grand but imperfect experiment known as the United States of America alive. It is my duty. It is what I do for the people and the nation that I love. 

Back in November I watched the newest Ken Burns series about Leonardo da Vinci, an undoubtedly genius and fascinating man. Born out of wedlock, he was not allowed to take the family name of his father, but instead used the place of his birth as his last name. HIs illegitimacy barred him from attending a university, so he relied on observations of nature and the world around him for his education. From his own curiosity he became a lifelong learner who wanted to know how everything works and how he might improve on the efforts of humans to think beyond the obvious. 

Perhaps because he was already an outcast of sorts Leonardo was always thinking out of the box, pushing the envelope of inventiveness. He revolutionized art, looked to the future with inventions that would only become commonplace centuries after he lived. He foresaw possibilities everywhere he went and was unconventional in the way he lived. He was a man of good spirits and humor in spite of or maybe because of his early rejection by a society cooped up by traditions and beliefs that attempted to confine him in a box built on prejudices and a twisting of religious ideas. In refusing to conform he left an incredible body of work and thinking that has rarely been rivaled. 

Leonardo was most probably gay. When he was only in his twenties he was caught up in a scandal that might have stunted his career save for the fact that one of the other individuals involved in relations with a local homosexual was from a wealthy family that had the means to make the trouble go away. Leonardo would eventually have a long time male partner but never marry. Because he was a giant in the world of art and someone who was actually pleasant and funny people mostly looked away leaving him to live as he chose rather than forcing him to adopt a more traditional way of life. 

Leonard da Vinci was a star in the Renaissance era, a time when nearly every aspect of thinking and creating took a quantum leap forward. Perhaps it was because the worldview of the time and place where he lived was open and inviting to new ideas, new ways of living in the world. He was able to try new things because the people around him were not afraid to break the bonds of old traditions and beliefs that tended to be judgmental and threatening. It was an atmosphere of freedom that provided the room for Leonardo to push the envelope of genius. 

As I watched the story of Leonardo da Vinci unfold I thought of the time that I used his Vitruvian Man to teach the concept of proportion to my Algebra students. I related mathematics to art and nature. it was a good lesson that really helped my students to understand the importance of proportionality. Everyone was engaged and excited as they came to many of the same conclusions that Leonardo had so many centuries ago. 

In today’s atmosphere I am not certain that I would be allowed to plan such a creative and engaging lesson. A trend that is spreading across the educational landscape is to create scripts to which teachers must adhere with exactness of presentation and timing. Teachers are being warned to be careful what books, articles, ideas they choose to teach lest they be accused of being “woke” or too revolutionary. School districts are agreeing to “protect” students by removing anything that seems controversial from library shelves. For that matter even libraries are being closed down as they are deemed to be places where young people might be exposed to ideas that are too far out of the box. At the same time some places are adding prayers and Bible studies to the curriculum leaving less time for exploring topics that might run afoul to norms that seem to discount freedom to think and discuss the world around us.

I wonder if Leonardo would have been able to bloom and develop his genius if he had lived in such a time as ours. Would people first of all questioned the value of his artistry? Would they have condemned his lifestyle? Would they have balked at his discoveries and inventions? Would they have shunned him rather than allowing him to become the incredible person that he was? Are we actually doing more harm to our young people today by limiting what they may see or do or think? Will we end up creating bored automatons rather that geniuses with our scripts and rules and finger wagging? 

I do worry about such things. As an educator I have seen students who were once deemed lost, blossom under the guidance of a gifted teacher who introduced them to worlds and ideas that challenged them. It is not in confining people that greatness arises. It is in being willing to let them spread their wings and fly to their own destinations. I don’t want to live in the atmosphere of the Dark Ages. I prefer the incredible era of the Renaissance. We can continue to grow as humans only if we set our creativity and thinking free. 

Perception is everything. How we see the world determines so many of our thoughts and choices in life. Now that I am four years away from beginning my ninetieth decade on the earth I see my life from a different perspective than I did when I was a little girl of eight who had just learned that her father had died in a car crash. 

Back then I saw my thirty three year old father as a paragon of wisdom and grace. He was perfection in my eyes and my mother would only enhance his mythical status with her own stories of his stature. As I aged from decade to decade I began to realize that there were indeed tiny cracks in my father’s life, flaws that made him as human as anyone. I saw that he was grieving from the loss of his best friend and searching for meaning in his work that he had yet to find. 

What never really crossed my mind was how incredibly young he was when he died. He was my father after all and therefore a wise elder in my mind. Only recently did his youthfulness become real to me when I was sending birthday greetings to one of my former students who was celebrating his thirty third birthday. Suddenly it dawned on me that the man I have idolized for all of my like was still in the adventurous, experimental phase of his life. He was in the first stages of the process of finding satisfaction in his work and family life, a period of time that all of us experience as we attempt to learn the meaning of who we are and what we are supposed to do. 

I was an inquisitive child who took delight in listening to adult conversations even when my elders assumed that I was not hearing what they were saying. I still recall my father speaking about his work as a mechanical engineer and expressing disappointment that it was not more interesting and challenging. His movement from one job to another, our journey to California and back, and the variety of his interests and the books that he read speak of a man who wanted to make a difference in the world. Sadly much of the work he was assigned to do struck him as being mundane. He often commented that perhaps he would have been better suited to electrical engineering but had been drawn to the mechanical because he had always enjoyed building and tinkering with things. 

As I look back on my own career with great satisfaction I realize that I was in my early forties before I hit my stride and felt as though I was actually where I was always meant to be. That feeling of satisfaction that I had found my true vocation made my work seem important and even invigorating. To this day I feel a sense of pride and purpose in what I was able to do as a teacher. When people suggest that I did not fulfill my potential I internally scoff. The happiness that I feel when thinking about my decades as an educator assures me that I may even have exceeded my own expectations.

I am an old woman now but my heart and my thoughts are young. It is difficult for me to imagine my father as an old man but sometimes I like to dream of what he might have been but for that terrible wreck that took his life. I suspect that if he had lived just a bit longer he would have been incredibly excited about NASA coming to our backyard. I see him working at the Space Center and being part of the thrilling days of the first rockets in space, the first orbits around the earth, the first humans on the moon. That is the kind of experience that filled his dreams and I truly believe that he would have made the team of engineers who worked behind the scenes of the space program. 

I laugh when I think of him being the first person on our block to purchase a television. I can still see him eagerly plugging it in and settling down to watch his favorite comedians. I hear his laughs that came from deep down in his belly and it fills me with joy. Somehow I have little doubt that he would have eagerly purchased one of the first computers and rejoiced at the incredible pace of discovery and invention. Of course he was not meant to be secured in a car with seatbelts and air bags that would have saved his life. Instead he became somewhat immortal in my little girl mind. 

I am old enough and wise enough not to dwell on the might have beens. I am satisfied with the image of my father as a very young man. In just over three decades he had already accomplished much. He inspired me to be a lifelong learner. He taught me how to appreciate art and music. He instilled in me the importance of knowing and understanding the implications of history. He showed me how to be generous with my love. His presence in my life notwithstanding how short it was has guided the totality of my life. That alone was a glorious achievement that I suspect he hoped to reach. I hope he knows how well he did.