Category: Humor

Leaving Oz

Published on by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

wizard-of-ozI decided to give up politics for Lent. It seemed a very worthy goal since I was becoming more and more overwrought by the pronouncements coming from the various factions these days. I had become so distracted by the continual chatter that I was losing track of what is most important and feeling a level of stress that I have not experienced since I retired from work. In the spirit of being more contemplative and aware of my fellow man I felt that eschewing controversial Facebook posts, news programs and television channels that focus on twenty four seven updates of the latest and greatest battles in our nation’s capitol would make me a better and more reasoned person and clear my brain enough to allow for spiritual reflection.

I was doing quite well until my eye caught a political opinion discussion on one of my friend’s social media wall and I fell into the trap of reading all of the commentaries. Since I had been out of the loop for quite some time I had to do a bit of research in order to determine my own thoughts on the matter. It didn’t take long for me to become irritated by what I learned and thoughts of the morass in Washington occupied my mind for hours regardless of how hard I tried to set them aside.

I attempted to distract myself with a shopping trip and even purchased a new pair of shoes, the universal panacea for all depressing moments. Nonetheless I found myself wandering somewhat aimlessly around the stores with a growing feeling of dread that ultimately led to a full blown anxiety attack of the kind that I used to get when I was student and a big exam was looming in my future. Somehow I could not shake the feeling that the people whom we selected to lead us are mostly bumbling fools who may not be much help if a real crisis were to arise. This filled me with a kind of foreboding premonition that some vague but terrible event was going to happen. It made my chest tighten and my head hurt.

Realizing that not even the power of retail therapy was going to lift my spirits I drove back home with my shoes, a birthday gift for a nephew and a carton of eggs while breaking my dietary fast with a bag of Sour Patch Kids. (When I fall off of the wagon I do it in a big way.) There I found an empty house that only made my senses even more attuned to the crazy thoughts that were buzzing in my head. A feeling of old school guilt rushed over me for having broken my Lenten promise. My regret in having failed to keep my promise only seemed to compound the funk that was overtaking me.

When my husband Mike finally returned from an excursion to Harbor Freight I confessed to him that I had broken my political fast and it had sent me into a tailspin. He suggested that I join him outside on the patio in our backyard. At first I was like a nervous cat jumping from one conversation to another, making little sense in my effort to avoid the one topic that I had promised to eliminate for forty days and nights. Eventually I simply sat quietly and as I listened to the sounds of the neighborhood I slowly began to relax.

The children next door were taking advantage of the warm sunny day by swimming in their pool. Their laughter was contagious and I found myself joking about my transgression. I watched birds swooping through the yard as though they were involved in a game of aviary quidditch. I took a walking tour of my garden enjoying the colors and aromas of the roses, hibiscus, amaryllis, impatiens and flowering vines. I felt my optimism slowly returning and suggested that we grill some salmon and vegetables then dine outside.

We feasted on the bounty from the sea and farmers’ fields while sipping on a lovely Chardonnay. I could feel my pulse slowing and my mind regaining its footing. I forgave myself for being weak and silently promised not to engage in political thoughts or discussions for the remainder of the lenten season. I found a calmness that allowed me to later slumber in peace and to laugh at my own ridiculousness.

I suppose that I will not be able to avoid thoughts of politics forever. I realize that I have a citizen’s duty to stay informed. There will be battles that I must fight to keep our nation free and moving in the right direction. I can’t take a permanent vacation from responsibility and yet it is admittedly nice to avoid the furor that is so commonplace. I have come to believe that I must be careful to take my fact finding in small doses and from reliable sources. If I encounter contentious discussions in which there is only babble rather than honest attempts to present all points of view I intend to remove myself as quickly as possible. I am quite done with emotional outbursts and news presented more as an editorial than a repository of information. I neither want nor need interpretations of evidence from people who claim to be without bias. I am perfectly capable of determining reality without the push and pull of pundits. I don’t need to read the thoughts of others on twitter, not even those of the POTUS. In fact, I think we would all do well to abstain from the banter and the bickering.

Ours is a nation that responds to our wants and needs. If the vast majority of citizens were suddenly to tune out the blather it would eventually stop. The truth is that all of those people who seem to be shouting at us are in the game to advance careers and their own sense of power and wealth. If they realize that they have lost us as an audience they will change or go away. As long as we feed on their rabble rousing they will continue to annoy us. It is up to each of us to let them know that we are no longer interested.

I intend to slim down my political musings. I will find new sources that provide primary facts rather than secondary interpretations. If there is a law or a budget proposal I will read the details for myself and sort out my concerns with my own research into the issues. When I see a smoke screen I will assume that there is a fire and I will douse the flames without emotion. If my lenten sacrifice has taught me anything it is to avoid the propaganda and focus on the better nature of mankind.

I’m feeling better now. I will admit that there is much happening in Washington D.C. that both bothers and infuriates me but I also realize that working myself into a dither will help no one, least of all myself. My more meditative spirit has revitalized my willingness to seek truth, not from those who would distort reality but from the quiet souls who still insist on simply shining a light on the words and actions of our leaders. We don’t need third party interpretations. All we need do is watch and listen and then follow the dictates of our hearts. We will all be better for taking a different approach than the Oz-like fantasy that has defined politics for far too long. I’m gong back to reality. It feels much better there.

Tick Tock

Published on by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

collection of vintage alarm clocksChange, chaos, confusion! No, I’m not speaking of the political realm but something far more insidious, the springing forward to Daylight Savings Time that occurs each March. Even after a week people are still dragging around trying to adjust their internal clocks to the loss of an hour and wondering just why we insist on torturing ourselves by moving the hands of our mantlepieces twice a year. Who thought of this process and does it really make a difference of any kind?

During World War I someone decided that Daylight Savings Time might help the country save energy. Maybe it was a good idea back then but somewhere along the way as our world turned into a twenty four hour frenzy of lights, television programming, computer use and shopping the concept of everyone quietly turning off their lights and going to bed doesn’t appear to be what it might once have been. Research shows that having an extra hour of daylight does little to curtail the use of electricity, gasoline, natural gas or any other form of energy, not the least of which is because we use the same hour’s worth of lighting when we rise in the dark each morning that we would have used if night came a bit earlier in the evening.

I recently read that more people have heart attacks and wrecks in the first weeks after a time change than at other moments in the year. Farmers report that their animals have difficulty adjusting to changing routines as well. So the burning question that keeps coming back to mind is why we torture ourselves by doing something that most of us dread? Why don’t we just choose either Daylight Savings Time or regular time and then stick with it forever? It would certainly be easier on the constitution.

I generally reach the point at which I am fully accustomed to the new timing just shortly before it is about to readjust again. I sleep well in those last weeks and feel a level of energy that is unbounded. Once we go through the gruesome alteration process I find myself dragging for weeks and I am plagued by insomnia for months. I suspect from comments that I hear that most people feel the way that I do. I don’t particularly care if my mornings are dark or my evenings come a bit earlier as long as I get to become acclimated to one way of marking time or another and then never again have to change unless I choose to travel to a different time zone.

Unfortunately we seem to be doomed to continuing the silly tradition of switching from one method of timing to another simply because we once started it. Have you ever noticed how reluctant we are to abandon a process once we decide to try it? It is some crazy aspect of human nature to prefer sticking with a plan even if that plan proves to be ridiculous. We see it most especially in government where that status quo becomes the way of doing things ad infinitum. We fear the idea of admitting that we my have been wrong about the merit of an idea and so we commit ourselves to absurdities again and again. It almost takes a rebellion to repeal a rule once we have made it part of our routine.

I applaud states like Arizona and Indiana that don’t go along with the time change shuffle. They merrily buck the tide and enjoy the certainty of no loss or gain in hours. They have no need of clock changers who must spend wasted time moving the hands of timepieces back and forth, back and forth twice each year.

I once saw an interesting documentary detailing the unbelievable number of days that it takes just to adjust all of the clocks that belong to the Queen of England. Many of them are complex antiques that must be very carefully calibrated and only experts are able to do so properly. It is a herculean task that is both expensive and time consuming.

I feel as though we have so many truly important problems in the world and recalibrating the time again and again should not be one of them. I advocate for suspending this policy and freeing ourselves from the tyranny of sleepless nights and energy-less days. I call for letting the natural rotation of the earth determine the timing of our habits just as it did for the thousands of years before someone got the not so bright idea of artificially determining when our days should begin and end.

Since it is more than likely that we will never rid ourselves of this onerous habit I instead extend my sympathies to those who become discombobulated each March and then again in the fall. I feel for all of the teachers who must spend the next many weeks looking at students slumped lazily on the tops of their desks. My heart goes out to the mothers of babies who insist on keeping to their sleep routines regardless of what the clocks may say. I understand the frustration of pet owners whose kitties and puppies react to the sun rather than the manmade schedule. For those like me who are now spending their nights staring at the ceiling I give you the hope that this too shall pass sometime around September or October just in time for it all to begin again.

What a piece of work is man. We sure know how to make things more complicated than they need to be. Maybe instead of making so many more new rules we may want to consider getting rid of some of the ones that make our lives more difficult. Starting with omitting all of the time changes seems to me to be a great place to start.

A Rainy Afternoon

Published on by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

rainy-afternoon-zadar-93e60d499c2f267c33de164c89ad35caLast Sunday was a dreary day, a kind of last hurrah for winter in the south that always seems to arrive in the first weeks of March. The rain washed out my plans to tinker in my yard so I ended up at Costco along with a huge crowd that included some of my neighbors. I suppose that we all decided to go in spite of the weather, or maybe because of it.

I played a game of noting what everyone had in their carts. It’s always a ton of fun to see what items people select from the vast inventory of televisions and popcorn, clothing and canned goods. The winner always seems to be one of those big batches of toilet paper, the reason that I was there, but there are also many boxes of cereal and cartons of eggs lolling inside the grocery baskets of almost everyone.

Some people appear to be preparing for Armageddon with many years’ supplies of everything from vitamins to dog food. They literally need rolling pallets to carry all of their selections and I find myself wondering where they will be able to store all of the makeup and motor oil. I imagine rows of shelves along the walls of their garages with labels indicating when each item of inventory expires. I like to picture their families and the reasons that compel them to choose certain things.

I limited myself to purchasing only the basics, toilet paper, paper towels, two chickens, a pot roast and some pork chops. I have to control my impulses or I will walk out with more than will fit in my car and even worse, more than I will ever use. With no children in the house a flat of apples tends to be an overabundance that will lead to rotting fruit at the bottom of my produce drawer. Still I am often tempted to purchase enough facial tissues to last through several flu seasons simply because the price is so fetchingly low.

I almost always enjoy lunch while I am there. After all, I can’t resist the idea of getting a huge polish sausage on a bun with endless refills of Pepsi for only a dollar fifty. Besides, sitting at a table munching on my feast allows me a bit more people watching time and it is definitely a show. I find myself wondering who all these folks are and from whence they come. They are a diverse bunch who seem to represent every possible strata of American society. Somehow the buyers at Costco have managed to carry all of the items that they seek, including motorcycles and tires. I laugh a bit when I think of how much joy a place like this would have brought my mom. The two of us might have sat for hours just soaking in all of the entertainment that comes from viewing such a large a slice of life.

Once I got home the downpour had increased and it was obvious that there wasn’t going to be a break in the weather. I sat in my favorite chair and read one of my several latest books. I tend to be in the middle of three or four at a time which may sound a bit strange but I write it off to the effects of my attention deficit disorder. The one that seemed appropriate for a rainy day was a volume that I found on my last trip to New Orleans entitled 1 Dead in Attic. It is a compilation of articles written by a reporter from The Times Picayune written in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina. Each essay is short and quick to read so I can enjoy one or multiples depending on how much time I have to devote. The author, Chris Rose, shares his love of New Orleans and the stories of despair and revival that kept him and his fellow citizens from going insane in a time that was almost beyond the capacity of words to describe. His sense of humor and humanity captures the appalling images as well as the can do spirit of people who refused to declare their home town dead on arrival. It is a joyful dirge and intimate portrait of a city in total disarray that somehow found the where with all to overcome the most unimaginable tragedy. It will make you laugh and cry at one and the same time which is an oddly appropriate way of thinking about New Orleans.

I thought of the first time that I returned to New Orleans after Katrina. The city was still devastatingly somber. The crowds that had so often filled the streets were decidedly small. There were diehards attempting to keep the spirit of revelry alive but they were definitely struggling. We had breakfast at Brennan’s and there was still an odd aroma of mildew in the air. We didn’t need reservations because hardly anyone was there. The waitress who served us literally cried when we told her that we were from Houston. She and her family had found refuge in our city after hers had been so destroyed. She thanked us for our hospitality and told us that this was literally the very first day that the famous restaurant had been open since the storm. I almost lost my composure as she fell all over us trying to express her happiness that things were beginning to return to normal.

I remember how we drove around on the highways trying not to look like buzzards as we gazed at entire neighborhoods that had been reduced to rubble. It was like a scene out of a dystopian movie and it broke my heart. As I read Chris Rose’s descriptions of what he encountered only days after the hurricane it was difficult to imagine that I had first seen the city after it had actually made great progress in coming back to life.

I have always loved to watch rain from my windows. It comforts me. Sadly many of the people who came here from New Orleans after that horrific storm confided that for quite some time the sound of rain was terrifying. I remember having to console children and teachers who literally came undone whenever the weather became frightful. Some of them cried and related tales of things that they had seen that would never really fade from their memories. In reading 1 Dead in the Attic I have truly begun to understand just how much their lives were forever changed.

Its been twelve years since that unbelievable natural disaster. New Orleans was rocking on my last visit and yet it had still somehow changed. The people who stayed and those who came later have continued the traditions and still harbor the unexplainable feelings of devotion that they have for this very special place but now there is always an element of fear and caution in the back of their minds. Only recently they were once again reminded of just how fragile their home is when tornadoes ripped through an area of town that had barely been reclaimed from the ravages of Katrina. It takes a special kind of personality and resilience to live in New Orleans but Mr. Rose explains quite well why there will always be those who are willing to endure hell and high water just to experience the magic.

All in all I have to admit that people watching at Costco and reading vignettes from a well written book made for a very fine Sunday afternoon. It’s good to have a change of pace now and again. Sunshine is always nice but there is much to be said for the comfort of a gentle rain and a view of the ever present parade of humanity.

These Are The Good Old Days

Published on by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

il_340x270-1167766621_5l2mBack in the nineteen seventies my mother and one of my brothers took a Sunday afternoon ride to Galveston Island which was about fifty miles away from where I lived. I was recovering from hepatitis and it was meant to be a relaxing excursion. My mama always believed that the ocean air was good for whatever ailments one had. Going down to the sea was one of her most frequent destinations.

We rode along the seawall built by heroic Galveston residents who refused to be chased away by the 1900 storm that killed more than 2000 people in one dark night. It was a lovely early spring day and it felt wonderful to escape from the confinement that I had endured for many weeks. My mother always knew exactly how to nurse me back to health.

Mama wasn’t much for driving on freeways so we took an old highway back home that was less traveled at the time. Along the way her car broke down, a not so uncommon occurrence for her because she tended to keep her autos until the wheels fell off. There was no sign of life anywhere near where we were and of course there were no cell phones back then. We had to rely on our own ingenuity to find a way out of our dilemma.

For quite some time we pushed the car hoping that either it would spontaneously come back to life or that we might encounter a phone booth or service station where we might find help. I soon grew quite weary. I had been instructed by my doctor not to over exert myself and the effort of moving a heavy object down an asphalt runway soon sapped what little energy I had. We decided to simply get the car out of the road and walk until we found signs of life.

It felt as though we had to travel several miles before we finally found a place of business where we were able to call my husband who rescued us quickly after that. He drove us back to Mama’s car and noticed that she had run out of gasoline which he remedied as well. The incident became one of those laughable family moments and a memory of life in times past.

I can’t help but think of how much easier it would have been for us to find the assistance that we needed if only there had been cell phones back then. It is highly likely that at least two of us would have been able to take care of the problem with a few keystrokes. The modern world with its many inventions has made our lives so much easier than it has ever been.

I often see photos of what it was like when I was young on Facebook. My friends sometimes reminisce about the good old days. We even had a politician who won the presidency with the promise to make America great again. The problem that I find with such nostalgia is that going backwards in time is not generally something that we should want to do. I like the progress that we have made and I see little point in turning back the clock. Instead I try to enjoy the days that I have right now.

My grandfather was born in 1878 and did not die until the nineteen eighties. He often laughed when people asked him to tell about the good old days. “These are the good old days,” he would always insist. He easily recalled the hardships of living without refrigeration or electricity. He remembered the first time that he saw a town lit up with lights and the sense of wonder that overcame him. He read the headlines cheering the first flight of an airplane and watched with elation as a human walked on the moon. He remembered how his grandmother treated illnesses with herbs and  what it was like watching people die of terrible infectious diseases that were eventually eradicated by modern medicine. The level of comfort that he experienced in his later life had been unimaginable when he was a child and he appreciated all of the advancements that had made the world a better place to be.

I hark back to the nineteen fifties and sixties, a time of great scientific exploration that changed the way we live and work at rocket speed. I am able to tell horror stories about attempting to type a long research paper without mistakes on an old typewriter with keys that would stick and smear ink on my fine white paper. My efforts were always so homely because I had to cover my errors with blobs of liquid paper that dotted my manuscripts like droplets of snow. If I had to have multiple copies that meant using carbon paper that left purple stains on my fingers and anything else that it touched. Creating documents was a time consuming and onerous task for me that thankfully is a thing of the past.

Like my grandfather I might list hundreds of examples regarding the difficulties that existed simply because the solutions to the various problems had not yet been invented. Any of us who did research of during the nineteen sixties shudder at the thought of spending hours combing through a card catalog in a library only to find that the very book that we needed had already been checked out by someone on a similar mission. Almost everything was in hard copy form back then. Sometimes documents were photographed and stored on little reels that had to be read using a machine that invariably broke in the middle of the process.

If I were to begin to list all of the changes that have occurred in my own lifetime it would require pages and pages. Man’s ingenuity has indeed been an engine that has driven progress inevitably forward and there is little reason for us to wish to turn back the clock which, by the way, we don’t have to wind anymore like we did in the past. The history of mankind is one of advancement with a few hiccups along the way but inevitably we seem to find better and better ways of enjoying life. I suspect that my very wise grandfather had it right all along when he would insist that these are the good old days.

Haste Makes Waste

Published on by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

quote-take-time-for-all-things-great-haste-makes-great-waste-benjamin-franklin-65418Has it really only been four weeks since Donald Trump was inaugurated as President of the United States? It’s been wild to say the least. I find myself wondering if Mr. President and his family are wishing that the “nasty woman” had been elected and they were safely enjoying life in Trump Tower. He is surely learning the job in a trial by fire and his opponents are licking their chops gleefully with every mistake that he makes.

It’s been pretty well documented that I am no fan of President Trump, but my personality is such that I have actually been feeling a bit sorry for him of late. He is proving to be quite amateurish and more and more the butt of jokes with each passing day. In the one Mardi Gras parade that I attended this past weekend in New Orleans he was skewered from stem to stern. The jokes were funny but after a time they almost became tedious even though Trump has brought most of the insults on himself.

It’s obvious to me that  President Trump has a strong need to be loved and right now adulation is in short supply. I suspect that he is desperately hoping for a win, something that will put him back in the “good guy” status that he had when he was just a reality television personality and super salesman. Surely he is longing for the days when his and Ivanka’s merchandise were big sellers in major department stores and he was a ratings king on NBC. Now it seems that he is a pariah in the very places that he most loves. He surely proves that it can be very lonely at the top. (Side note: Have you ever tried Ivanka’s dresses? They are actually superb and make women look thinner than they actually are.)

I like to be fair and in all honesty this is not the first time that I have watched an administration produce some wildly unsuccessful policies before they got their sea legs. As beloved as President Kennedy now is, history demonstrates that his invasion of the Bay of Pigs was a total disaster. If he hadn’t been able to face down the Russians in the Cuban missile crisis his reputation for foreign policy would have been dreary. Lyndon Johnson messed up royally in the Bay of Tonkin and even lied about what had actually happened. Of course such missteps contributed to keeping him from seeking a second term of office and probably didn’t help his heart either. I don’t even need to talk specifically about Nixon whose administration might have actually been deemed a success had he not been so paranoid. Then there were all the wonderful highlights from Carter’s time including those long lines at gas stations and the Iranian hostage situation. In the first year’s of Reagan’s tenure elements of the press were certain that he was going to get us into a world war and destroy our economy. George H. W. Bush couldn’t live down his promise not to create new taxes after he turned around and created new taxes. Clinton’s first years had so many scandals that few thought he had a chance of being reelected and that was before he had even met Monica. In case you don’t remember what happened just think about the suicide of his closest aide, the imprisonment of a former business partner in the Whitewater affair and the infamous firing of the entire travel department. Poor George W. listened to some faulty advice and got us entangled in Iraq among other dubious efforts. Obamacare was designed so quickly that it was flawed from its inception. In other words, there have been few presidents with perfectly executed administrations, particularly at the very beginning. Still, President Trump has shown a particular talent for speaking and acting before thinking through the implications of his efforts. I believe that it is now time for him to learn from his mistakes and begin to take more care in making decisions.

We have a tendency in today’s world to want everything to happen quickly, forgetting that sometimes the best results come slowly. We seem to always be focusing on results but we want to see progress as fast as possible. In education we demand that school reforms demonstrate dramatic improvement in the space of only months even though we tend to understand that real change takes time.

I recall once reading about a school that had defied all of the odds in demonstrating excellence in what had once been a sub par campus. The principal explained that it had taken him ten years to create an educational environment in which students consistently learned at a high level. He had to build his faculty and dedicate hours to creating a curriculum attuned to the needs of the student population. He sent school leaders to learn the best educational practices. He and the teachers helped students to build their confidence and push themselves higher and higher. The principal was thankful that he was provided with the time that he needed to accomplish his goals. He noted that if his supervisor had been too anxious he might have been relieved of his duties before his plans had begun to show progress. He urged all leaders as well as the public to be patient and realize that deliberation was always a better strategy than haste.

I would suggest to President Trump that he slow his pace. I understand that he wants to fulfill his promises to his voters but his grand designs can’t be achieved in a matter of days or weeks or even months if they are to have a wise and lasting effect. He would be far better served by spending more time listening not just to his inner circle but also to his critics before writing any more ill conceived orders. I hope that he is beginning to realize that making far reaching pronouncements is not as easy as it may have seemed. Without thinking long and hard disastrous roll outs like his temporary travel ban will happen again and again. If he doesn’t take more care in choosing his closest aides and cabinet members he will be embroiled in legal battles for years. It’s time for him to take a deep breath and recalibrate. He might begin by ridding himself of the very negative influence of Steve Bannon as long as he is in the “you’re fired mode” of this week. Mr. Bannon is reinforcing the worst inclinations of President Trump. He may seem loyal but I think that he actually has his own agenda and is only using his influence to create policy.

I have a bit of advice for the opposition as well. Be selective in your criticism. Be aware that constant negativity soon begins to resemble nagging which virtually nobody likes or considers. Remember that if you make yourself too obnoxious President Trump will never listen to a thing that you have to say. Recall also that he wants to be liked. You can get your foot in the door if you use a bit of positive reinforcement now and again. If someone wise and honest wants to help President Trump encourage them to do so rather than condemning him/her. We definitely need good people around our president, not just those who want to build walls. My suggestion goes for athletes and stars as well. Be willing to go visit him and then quietly and respectfully present your points of view.

I’m hoping for a change all the way around but I’m not counting on anything. I fear that we are so far apart from one another that we are at present incapable of finding even an inch of common ground. I still believe that the answers to our problems lie in compromise. For too long the extremists in our society have been calling the shots. If we are to ever move forward we are going to need to work together. If there were one idea that I would most love for President Trump to embrace it would be to find ways of deliberating with all parties in an attempt to work together for the good of the country. As long as we keep fighting we will simply move back and forth in place never making headway of any kind. Since we can’t seem to agree on much of anything maybe for now that’s a good thing but we have to be ready to feel frustrated until we finally learn how to get along once again.