All It Takes Is A Little Love

I have been spending my mornings accompanying my husband to radiation treatments for his cancer. The process goes rather quickly as long as the machines are working properly and he has done the work to prepare himself. It’s been a long haul from start to finish but everything has mostly gone well and so as we near the end I find myself reflecting on the many people that we have encountered all along the way.

Of course the doctors, nurses and technicians have been incredible. Even the greeter at the front of the building and the receptionist behind the desk smile with encouragement. Frankly I don’t now how all of them they stay so calm and compassionate day after day. They are definitely angels among us who deserve nothing but praise for the long hours that they dedicate to returning their many patients to good health. 

I have seen a full spectrum of individuals and their families on the same journey that has filled days, weeks and months for my husband and me. We each have a role in the recovery process and we come from many places hoping for success. I have listened to the conversations and the stories and read the faces of those just beginning the treatments as well as those joyfully ringing the bell to mark the end of the process. We quietly become like family even as we represent the full spectrum of humanity. 

I have witnessed elderly folks in wheelchairs and young people who look too healthy to be stalked by cancer. I hear conversations in Spanish and smile each day at the joyful Black woman who fills the room with hope even as she herself is enduring the treatments. There is the man who drives miles from east Texas to be with the best doctors. He entertains us with his Texas twang and stories of hunting and cooking. There are people who sit quietly and those who tell us their life stories. Nobody in the place thinks that anyone does not belong. We are equals as people all anxious for news that the cancer will be gone. We celebrate the victories and listen to the worries. We are all in the same boat and feeling fortunate to even have a boat. 

The last many weeks have made me wonder why we humans so often have a difficult time just getting along with each other. There is unity and understanding in the room where we gather five times a week for eight weeks or more. We don’t judge each other or consider anyone to be either greater or less than. Why can’t such a spirit permeate over the entire planet? Why can’t we truly welcome each other with our differences and even our warts? What makes us judgmental and angry and so competitive? Why is power and money all too often more important that just loving each other? Don’t we know that in the long run of our lives none of those things will mean nearly as much as hearing the words, “You are cured. Go forth and have a good life!”

I have lost so many people for so many reasons and I never really get over missing them. I suppose that it is that way for each of us. We think about the friends and family members who have left us to navigate life on our own. We know that not one possession that we have can ever replace the important role that each of them played in our lives. Because we know this, how can we not know that this is not unique to our nation or any nation. Humans have the same feelings whether they are from Europe or Africa or the Middle East. Our differences are superficial. We make different choices about how to live and what to believe but when the rubber meets the road we all bleed and feel frightened when someone tells us that we have a disease. We also rejoice when the purveyors of medicine make us well. We cry when life ends for someone who has been part of our lives. These things are universal, beyond language and they should serve to unite us as humans. 

Life can be difficult for everyone so why do we so often decide to make it worse for some? What in our personalities makes us immune to the feelings and tragedies of people who only appear to be different. Why don’t we want to hear their stories, share their joys, help them through their difficulties. What makes us judgmental rather than understanding? 

These are questions that have become ever more important to me during the past many weeks. Somehow I have come to see even more clearly than ever how important it is for each of us to just accept each other. It is not up to us to demand how people should be or believe. Our only purpose should be to love, an idea preached long ago by a man named Jesus who inspired a religion that has done much good in the world but sometimes ends up doing harm when we lose the central message of his teaching.

I doubt that I will ever forget this experience. It has been difficult for me but even harder for my husband and the people who have the cancers growing in their bodies. It has humbled me and made me ever more determined to embrace my fellow humans. I have seen their beauty shining forth and hope that others will as well.

The governor of Texas, Greg Abbott, has signed a bill restricting the use of cell phones,smart watches and some tablets at school. Campuses must ban such items outright or store them in secure places each day where students may not reach them. Reactions to the bill are mixed as might be expected. As usual the Texas legislature is placing more and more rules and restrictions on schools.

The genie is already out of the bottle but I would nonetheless like to make a few comments about this latest attempt to keep Texas children safe that might actually place them in more danger. But first I would like to suggest that someone made a problem out of something that need not have been a worry.

As a Dean of Faculty I learned that teachers are quite good at maintaining the proper balance of discipline inside their classrooms. Cell phones have been around for quite some time now and the vast majority of educators are able to curtail their use without the assistance of a law that does not take its unintended consequences into account. An adept teacher has eyes in the back of the head and is able to catch students who attempt to engage in phone use during a lesson. It’s rather easy to spot the offenders and in most cases simply seizing the phone for the remainder of class nips the habit in the bud. 

Preparing an engaging and interactive lesson does more to keep students involved and away from phones than a law. Too many restrictions on student behavior generally leads to lots of time spent and wasted on enforcement. Every teacher knows that there are not enough minutes in the school day to fall behind even a tiny bit. I can envision phones turning into a very big deal when they were not so before this bill. 

Sure, there are teachers who let students get away with less than attentive behavior, but with guidance from peer facilitators, mentors, and administrators they can be shown methods for reducing inappropriate phone time. It seems a bit much to install a statewide mandate to a so called problem that does not exist everywhere. It also does not take into account some very good reasons for allowing the students to keep their phones.

Let’s face it. Regardless of what the governor may proclaim our schools are potentially dangerous places. We have had school shootings only miles from my home and the one in Uvalde where teachers and children were killed was epically tragic. These days parents use the phones as a way of tracking their children so that they are always aware of their locations. In addition the phones become lifelines in the terrible event that a school shooter actually enters a campus. Students and parents have the right and quite often the need to stay in touch. The modern world has created a beautiful tool that need not be banned or locked away but simply used only in proper ways and times. 

Not long ago there was an occasion when an alert went out in one of my grandchildren’s school. My grandson was anxioud as he and his classmates were secured in a locked classroom wondering if there really was a danger on campus. He was able to let his mother know what was happening and that he was okay even though he admitted to feeling frightened. Talking with his mom kept him calm even though the talking was only via text.

The fact that smart watches were added to the mix is equally ridiculous. Some of those items are so advanced that they can track heartbeats, blood pressure and exercise. They too can serve as trackers for parents who worry about their children given the realities of today’s world. With heightened security warnings across the globe it hardly seems to be an appropriate time for taking what could be life saving technology away from our children and teens.

I rely on my phone and my smart watch but I am able to ignore them whenever I am tutoring or teaching and students are capable of that as well. It is understandable that they should be put away during tests but that is easy enough to accomplish without a statewide law. 

For some reason our Texas legislators have really gone overboard in rulings for schools. Children will find copies of the Ten Commandments posted in all classrooms, Phones, tablets and smart watches will no longer be allowed but prayers will be okay. Books will be banned and the teaching of history will be made more formulaic. In the meantime immigrants run the risk of being seized at school events. It is as though our lawmakers do not trust parents or teachers to show their children how to behave properly. Because of a few bad apples everyone is going to be punished and required to conform. Somehow it does not seem to be an effective way to teach young people to be moral and safe. Uniformity has won the day and my experience in classrooms tells me that it is not going to be the best way of doing things. 

Long ago we teachers had to learn how to best use computers and other technology. We fumbled a bit here and there but eventually got it right most of the time. We learned how to use them as a powerful learning tool. As such I suggest that we leave classroom management to the schools. It’s easy enough to find the outliers that don’t know what they are doing and then help them individually to improve their methods than to overhaul everyone for rather weak reasons. I sadly believe that the flaws in this law will soon become apparent to everyone. Our state should rethink this before it becomes the focus of schools rather than learning.

One of the best scenes in the movie version of the musical Chicago is when John C. Reilly sings Mr Cellophane. His portrayal of the unseen Amos hit a chord in my heart and made me think of all the people in the world who feel as though nobody notices them. That song has been playing in my head of late as I consider the many folks trying to get our attention so that we might understand the difficulties of their lives. 

I have written about the hard working parents of many of the students that I have taught. They were quiet unassuming folk who never made waves or asked for any favors. They quietly and politely sent their children to school while they worked at low paying and demanding jobs. I always wondered if they were being adequately thanked for the tasks that they were willing to do out of love for their families. 

In particular I often wonder about the family members of one of my students who worked at night cleaning buildings while the rest of us were sleeping. They often held down day jobs as well with little free time to rest and just enjoy the fruits of their labors. Did they got kudos for doing a good job? Did anyone leave them a thank you note or remember them at Christmas time?

Each time I go to the Methodist Hospital facilities I marvel at the cleanliness of the place. I always hear compliments of the doctors and nurses which is as it should be, but what about that lady mopping the hallways, cleaning up vomit, changing the bed linens and making everything sanitary and picture perfect. Does anyone ever stop in the hallway to thank such people for making the place so nice? 

A couple of years back a woman came into my husband’s hospital room. She was as quiet as a mouse as she cleaned the toilet, mopped the floors, tidied things up. I actually startled her when I thanked her profusely for her hard work. I told her how much it meant to me and my husband to be so well cared for by her. She smiled and became quite animated. She noticed the comfortable shoes that I was wearing and asked what kind they were and where I had found them. I showed her how to procure them online. She was excited when I told her that I have trouble with my feet but wear them all day with no problem. You would have thought we were old friends with all the smiles and laughter that ensued while she finished her tasks. She left the room almost radiant and all that it took to get her there was for me to take note of her work.

As a teacher I was obviously not working to get rich. My treasure came in knowing that I had sparked a moment of discovery in a student or helped someone to feel good about himself. The job itself was the reward but in those moments when a principal or colleague or parent or student acknowledged my impact that I felt the greatest joy. 

We humans get busy and take each other for granted when it does not take that much to let people know that we do indeed see them and what they are doing. It takes only a matter of seconds to smile at others, say thank you, hold open a door, compliment their actions or even their appearance. The person who thinks to do such things lets those around him/her know that they are important. 

Of course we want to tell that nurse how much we appreciate her. We should let the doctor who healed us know that he is now one of our heroes. We should exert the same effort in showing gratitude for the person who helps us find where the ketchup is stored in a crowed store. We should make it a point to really see the people around us and to let them know how much we appreciate them. 

This past school year I tutored a young student in math all year long. He was a shy young man who only reluctantly came out of his shell. I learned that he had been bullied at school the year before and the experience had traumatized him to the point of affecting his performance in his classes. When I first met him he was reluctant to answer questions lest he be wrong. His anxiety was palatable and I realized that more than anything he needed to believe in himself and his worth as a person. We did a lot of math but even more rebuilding of his confidence. By the end of the year he was laughing and smiling and had become whole again. The work of helping him to believe in himself was not mine alone but a whole team of wonderful people who understood the human need for acknowledgment. 

Find a way each day to make sure that the Amoses of the world do not feel like cellophane. Do your part in making someone’s day brighter. It will not only help them but you will feel better as well. 

I have had the good fortune of being loved and cherished by the people in my life. Only one of my teachers was cruel and somehow even in my shyness and tendency to forgive people for their ugliness, I was able to see that she was broken. Because I grew up without physical or mental abuse I evolved into a confident woman who understood both her strengths and weaknesses. Nobody tore me down as a child or as an adult.

I met a kind man who whose mother and grandmother taught him how to love and cherish people. He understands that real male strength lies not in dominating others but in striving to understand and support them. He is a good man who became a great father for our two girls. He taught them how to honor themselves and encouraged them to be independent and courageous. 

In my profession as an educator I all too often encountered children being tortured by parents determined to mold them with punishments and insults designed to make them comply. Cruelty is all too often used as a cudgel to keep children towing the line. While physical abuse is always tragic, sometimes the mental abuse is even more damaging. 

I vividly recall a family conference with a young man and his parents that ultimately broke my heart. He was shy and unsure of himself even though he was extremely bright and creative. His father made it very clear in the discussion that he viewed his son as a “weirdo.” He complained that his son spent too much time locked in his room. Furthermore he believed that his son’s behavior was a sign of grave weakness and a lack of strong masculinity. He almost sneered as he addressed his indictment to the son who was hiding behind a mop of hair hanging over his eyes. 

I attempted to intervene as politely as possible, noting that the man’s son had become a leader in student government because of his ability to quietly listen to the needs of his classmates. I suggested that what the father was viewing as weakness was in fact an incredible ability to understand himself and the people around him. As I spoke the young man’s mother began to nod her head in agreement and at long last she came to the defense of her son by noting some remarkable qualities that he exhibited on a daily basis. She even suggested that her son was very much like herself. 

The father had become very quiet and I hoped that perhaps he was beginning to reconsider his estimation of his son. Instead he suddenly announced that he did not have time to discuss silliness any longer. Then he looked directly at his son and with a snarl announced, “By the way, I got rid of that damned dog that you brought into our house. I put him down today. He will be gone when you get home!” Then he stood up and walked out with a jubilant look on his face. He obviously believed that he had won a battle in a war that no doubt took place with even more horror inside the confines of their house. 

I felt gut punched in that moment. I had witnessed mental abuse at its worst. I would relate what had happened to the social worker in our school and I encouraged the student to be himself but I worried about what the ultimate effect of constant cruelty would have on him. It was something i had never known so even in that moment I doubt that I fully understood what being subjected to constant cruelty is like.

I have felt much like my student in the days, weeks and months since Donald Trump took office again. On a daily basis our president has done everything in his power to make those of us who disagree with him feel uncertain about who we are and what our future will be. He uses fear tactics to dominate us. We watch him being morally corrupt and getting by with it while we are trying to be fair and kind to our fellow humans. We watch him degrading innocents and seemingly enjoying the power of doing so. it is maddening and confusing because he is constantly messing with our minds. 

Whenever another person is devoted to gaslighting and manipulating others it can become difficult to carry on emotionally. His purpose is to beat us down just as the father of my student was doing. It is only in finding allies that we are able to see the truth and realize that we really are okay in spite of the attempts to portray us as somehow broken and even unAmerican. While we are determined to stay strong sometimes we literally have to shut down for a time, turn off his noise, pretend that he is not right outside our door chiding us for not being the automatons he wants us to be. When it sometimes seems as though nobody is calling him out for his outrageous behavior we now and again see heroes who clarify the existence of the cruelty that he is using to assuage his own weaknesses. 

I am at times overwhelmed with the ugliness that seems to have seeped into so many corners of our nation. I suppose that many groups of people look at me and want to remind me that feeling sidelined and demeaned is all that they have ever known. They are grateful for my support but tell me that I have come belatedly to the club that has always defined the uncertainty of their lives.

I know that I have been the fortunate one who must now find the fortitude to stand up to the immorality of it all even when the going gets tough. Together we must be the bulwark against the evil that Trump has made so commonplace. I know that I have an inner strength that came from the love and understanding that I have always known from the people around me. Now just as with that student of long ago who eventually overcame the cruelty if his father, I also must find the strength to push forward in saving our nation from a despot who wants to make us afraid.