All It Takes Is A Little Love

When I travelled to New York City with my daughters this summer I essentially went along for the ride. I let them decide where we would stay, what we would eat and how we would spend our time. They did a lovely job of finding a great hotel that did not cost an arm and a leg even on the July Fourth weekend. They found unique restaurants representing a diversity of cultures. They chose wonderful sightseeing venues that hit the spot. Among them was attending a performance of the musical Cabaret.

I have to admit that I was a bit worried about seeing an update of that iconic musical. My first thought was that it would be impossible to enjoy the show without the incredible talent of Joel Grey and Liza Minelli. Their performances set the standard for the major roles and I worried that I would be comparing those in such a way that I would never be able to truly enjoy the efforts of the new cast. Happily I was wrong. 

The director of the musical was brilliant in updating the characters so that they were new and fresh and nothing like the originals. The Master of Ceremonies at the Kit Kat Club was his own man, not a imitation of Joel Grey, with a voice that was haunting. Sally Bowles was a very English girl with a seemingly cheery outlook on life that was tainted by her longing for money and success. The Jewish love story was about an older couple portrayed by actors with a sterling professionalism that elevated the importance of their tragedy. In the background was the fascism that would ultimately dominate the lives of everyone. 

The theater itself became the Kit Kat Club from the time that we entered. There was jazz music playing and performers danced, did acrobatics and performed magic as we took our seats. The audience became part of the scenery as they sat at tables encircling the round stage. The orchestra was as important for the story as the actors, and what a story it was. 

The atmosphere in the theater was tense from the beginning and became even more so as the lighting eventually dimmed into almost darkness. The lines seemed to echo today’s headlines and we felt as though we were witnessing the downfall of humanity in real time. There were moments when we felt a chill and goosebumps rose up on our skin. By the end we were sobbing both for the characters and for the world as portrayed. Somehow that world felt closer to us thab we wanted to think. The play became a parable of life and a warning of how darkness might descend upon us if we are not constantly aware of reality. 

We were all moved by this musical and had the kind of feeling that happens only when you have seen something quite brilliant. We talked about what we had viewed for days afterward. We saw the universality of the themes, the poetry of the songs, the incredible talent of the actors. It was a tour de force that will live in our minds forever. We somehow keep circling back to the feelings and thoughts that we had inside that theater.

The two versions of Cabaret that I have seen were both excellent in their own right. Minnellii and Grey stole the show in the original while the production and the sense of horror that has the power to destroy people’s lives became the centerpiece of the newest version. The characters were pawns in a game of life, losing on all counts while the Master of Ceremonies bended his knee to the Nazis and became the evil itself. 

There is much happening in the United States right now that eerily feels like the stealthy takeover of Germany. We are watching forces in real time that are literally pledging to tear down our institutions so that they may rebuild them in their desired form, They seem to want to create a new way of doing things without the agreement of all Americans.

I have watched what is taking place with as much horror as I felt watching the latest Broadway presentation of Cabaret. I see masked men stalking immigrants and taking them away without so much as a trial to determine their actual status. I see agencies being dismantled without thought about what will be lost when they are gone. I see the poorest among us being shamed and losing programs that had been safety nets for them. I see a president who thinks himself immune to worrying about whether or not his actions are actually legal. I see a darkness of cruelty moving over my country that once felt like a shining example of democracy and generosity. All the while we citizens are being fed a diet of bread and the distractions of a circus so that we will not realize what is really happening until it is too late. 

I’m glad that I had the privilege of seeing Cabaret on the weekend of the celebration of our American independence. We would all do well to pay attention and ignore the attempts to fool us. If we do not pay attention our cabaret will become a nightmare. 

As I was browsing my Facebook page recently I saw these words, “Everyone has a story worth telling.” It struck me that I enjoy writing about people I have known or admired more than any other topic. I often find myself thinking about ordinary folks who are actually quite extraordinary and I do my best work when I choose to tell their stories. 

When I first began my journey through college I had a scholarship that paid for my tuition and books but I was a commuter student who had no transportation to the university. Initially I paid a person to get me there each morning. I gave her enough to purchase gasoline each week which was a fair price, but I had limited funds so I did the math and realized that I would never be able to buy anything more than that ride with what I had saved from working during the summer. That meant that I could not even afford a drink or lunch or any other such luxury or I would run out of money before the end of the school year. 

I casually mentioned my dilemma to a couple of my friends, Linda and Nancy, who were also attending the school and soon enough both of them had graciously offered to get me to school and back home at no cost. It was one of the most generous gifts that I have ever received. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief knowing that I would not reach a point of being unable to get to the campus and now and again I was even able to purchase a snack or even a burger to stave off hunger until I got back home. I was admittedly silly in that I had been embarrassed by my situation but these two insisted that it would be their pleasure to help me. 

Linda and Nancy have both been lifelong friends who accept me just the way I am even though we do not always see the world eye to eye. They are incredibly wonderful people who have accompanied me on my long journey of life. Linda and I raised our children together and I don’t know how she felt about my daughters but I sometimes dreamed of them marrying her sons. That did not work out because our children were so close that they felt more like siblings than romantic partners.

I don’t think I would have made it through my twenties, thirties and forties without Linda. She has always been wise and kind and I learned much from her. She was also a wonderful sounding board with whom I was able to share my innermost dreams, doubts, and failures. I never felt as though I had to hide my true self from her like I sometimes did with others. Ours has been a wonderful friendship that has been as close to being sisters as two women might be without being actually being related to each other. 

Nancy and I played cards with a group of ladies long after I was married. She worked for a time in Houston but eventually moved to Atlanta, Georgia. A long period of time passed during which we had little or no contact. Then she decided to return to Houston and we began talking for hours on the phone as though we had always been together. We can laugh and carry on for so long that our cell phones die while we are still conversing. The love we have between the two of us is incredible and ours is a very accepting relationship. She can be herself and so can I. Nothing comes between us even when I get a bit silly. 

Having two lifelong friends like Linda and Nancy is priceless and I always know that no matter how long it has been since we have been together we always pick up right where we left off. I am fortunate enough to understand that I can be challenging at times because my personality is such that I all too often play devil’s advocate as I attempt to navigate through the difficulties of life. Luckily for me neither of these amazing women get insulted when I start asking them questions or disagreeing with their opinions. There does not seem to be anything that will ever tear us apart and I give most of the credit for that to them because sometimes I don’t let up on voicing how I feel. 

In today’s world so many relationships have fallen apart over petty disagreements. I read about families that have been rent in two and childhood friendships that have gone awry. I’ve only experienced that kind of thing once and the hurt from it still stings even as I love the person who no longer wants my friendship. I suppose I know myself well enough to understand how difficult I can sometimes be when I take hold of a particular way of thinking. With Linda and Nancy my foibles don’t seem to matter and I celebrate that fact every single day. 

I knew Linda in elementary school and admired her from afar. I thought that she was the most beautiful and loving person I had ever encountered. When we became friends I was deeply honored. Nancy and I met in high school and we clicked from the first. I can laugh and cry and totally enjoy every chance meeting that I have with these two wonderful women. They are a gift to me that I will never take for granted. Their amazing stories would fill a book. Perhaps I may take the time to write it all down one day. Till then I just want them to know how important they are to me and how much I will always love them.

Do your little bit of good where you are. It’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world. — Desmond Tutu

When I think back on my life I recall moments when it seemed as if the whole world was busy doing little bits of good. One of those times was in the immediate aftermath of the destruction of the Twin Towers in New York City. There was certainly a kind of nationwide sorrow and grieving in the United States, but at the same time people from everywhere made kind gestures to express their support. There were school children who wrote letters to the people of the city of New York and to the families who lost loved ones. Folks came from far and wide to help with the cleanup. Donations poured in. On the local front citizens of towns and neighborhoods pitched in the help each other. I often remember how my neighbors helped me clear debris from trees that fell down without even being asked. They saw me lugging bundles of sticks to the curb and silently joined in until the work was done. They asked for nothing in return but of course I understood my moral duty to be ready to do good for them.

The same kind of thing happened when Hurricane Harvey ravaged the city of Houston with historic floods. The Cajun Navy came with rescue boats. People used their fishing craft to bring people out of inundated neighborhoods. Food, water, and  household necessities arrived by the truckload. A group of celebrities from Los Angeles even held a telethon. When it came time to clean out the mud and muck that laid ruin to homes, complete strangers came in droves to work in ninety degree heat taking down soggy sheetrock and water soaked carpet. Schools received bundles of supplies to replace the once that were ruined in the rising water. It felt as though our city would make it back to normal with all of the love showered on us.

For a time the whole world rallied around the medical communities guiding us through the Covid 19 pandemic. Parades of cars drove through medical centers with signs signifying gratitude for the doctors and nurses. People rose to the occasion with videos of dancing and singing and music that lifted our spirits. Individuals delivered food to those who had to stay home. In most cases people wore their masks without too much complaint. It was wonderful while it lasted but it did not always stay that way. Once the whole virus and the way it was being handled was politicized a yawning gap opened up between people that has only grown wider and uglier over time.

I love it whenever people set aside their differences and come together for anyone who needs help. I revel in the idea of simply doing the right thing at the right time without judgement or irritation. We are at our best as people when we don’t take notice of race, religion, culture or sexual preferences in offering our little bits of good. We have more often than not understood that there are times when we must offer our time, our talents and our treasure to help those in need no matter who they are or where they may be. Such generosity has been a hallmark of my city and state and country for all of my life but somehow now I hear too many grinching that we should only have to take care of our own. Some seem to believe that it is not up to us to be the saviors of the entire world. They claim that we have enough to do in our own backyards and need not be concerned with the difficulties of strangers. 

I still believe that people are mostly good and that they will help those in need without questions. I live on a wonderful cul-de-sac in which we celebrate each other regularly. I know nothing about the political views of my neighbors but I do know that when a hurricane came through last summer we helped each other. I know that we check on each other, do little bits of good for each other. We have a blast on Halloween night handing out candy to kids who seem to come to our street from everywhere. We make cookies and goodies for each other at Christmastime. We don’t discuss our religious beliefs or worry about the color of each other’s skin or sexual preferences. We live in blissful harmony the way it should always be. 

I have grown weary of the constant bickering that is stirred up by our president. I dislike the idea of choosing one political power or way of thinking over another. This nation was built oncompromise. George Washington did not even want political parties. He feared what the concept might do to the freedoms of whichever group was not voted into office. He did not believe in the idea of pushing through legislation that did not consider all of the people. He hoped for a president who would be humble and wise and be open to differing ideas. He was adamant about  keeping clear divisions between the legislature, the Supreme Court and the executive branch. He envisioned a nation of people working for the common good of all citizens in pursuit of the ideals of the democratic republic. Such a government is dependent on little bits of good here and there coming together to make a difference in the world. 

I hope that we will get over our tendency as a voting public to elect people who are so one sided that they take delight in crushing those who do not walk in tandem with him. I long for a leader who will daily demonstrate a dedication to being good to everyone. We’ve had that before. Perhaps we will get sick enough of the chaos that is exhausting us and become a nation of generosity for everyone once again. 

The nineteen forty four movie Gaslight has become a kind of metaphor for our current times. The film starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer is a journey into mental abuse using lies and psychological manipulation that cause a person to question his or her own sanity. In the story Ms. Bergman’s character begins seeing and hearing things that her husband insists are not happening. He suggests that she is not well and so she becomes more and more isolated until she struggles to determine what is real and what is not. The term gaslighting as it means today originated in the horror and abuse portrayed in that classic film.

So how can we detect when someone is gaslighting us and why would anyone want do such a thing? According to Prevention magazine there are six signs that something is amiss with the way a person or group of people are treating us. 1) The gaslighter tends to minimize actual feelings that people have. 2) He takes no responsibility for anything bad that is happening. 3) He lies so constantly that it becomes impossible to differentiate between reality and fraud. 4) When called out for his actions he denies any culpability and describes what has happened in a totally different way than others recall. 5) He often refers to those who express doubts about him as crazy, overly sensitive, overly dramatic, or paranoid. He creates an aura of self doubt in which up becomes down and down becomes up. 6) He is hyper defensive when he is questioned.

A masterful gaslighter finds joy in alienating people so that they soon find themselves withdrawing from each other. He gets excited whenever people choose him over friends and family. He insists that he is the only one who sees things the way that are while those who disagree with him see things in a totally inaccurate way. He accuses his doubters of being the bad persons, the actual manipulators. In fact he often describes his own thinking and actions as being the purview of anyone who points out his lies.

The accomplished gaslighter keeps the pressure on his victims until they are no longer believed. He turns the tables pretending to be the hero while destroying the person who is actually his victim. In a worst case scenario the person he is gaslighting becomes anxious and depressed. He increases the gaslighting to a point at which his targets are no longer able to handle the situation. They shutdown and avoid confrontation hoping that things will miraculously work out. Sometimes they even bow to his demands and lose all sense of self. 

If any of this sounds familiar to you then you must be like me in believing that Donald Trump has been relentlessly gaslighting our nation and the entire world for many years now. He is a fast talker who says whatever makes him look good whether or not it is true. More often than not his utterances are totally off the wall but if someone attempts to debate him he uses bullying tactics to shut them down. He has managed to make even other powerful people and institutions afraid of him. They cower in his presence often bowing to his demands for money or support. He has made our nation so sick that those of us who believe that we see through his web of lies often question ourselves when nobody seems willing to stop him. We wonder why good people that we know support him and many of his cruel demands. How is it possible that we are so wrong and why do we even question ourselves? Is it because we are all beaten down by this master manipulator?

I have done my best to stay abreast of the truth. It literally takes hours of my time each day to research every single thing that Trump says or does. He throws so much at as so quickly that it has become exhausting. There is a temptation to simply give up and just look away in the hopes that one day this will pass. The problem with that kind of attitude is that it denies us the opportunity to confront his abuse of every single person in the United States and in much of the world. The only way to deal with a gaslighter is to keep insisting on the truth every single time he tries to hide reality. 

Nonetheless I feel myself becoming more and more anxious, more and more depressed with the entire situation that is unfolding on a daily basis. I know that if I don’t engage in some self care that I will crack. I find solace in talking with others who have seen the truth and who are willing to stand up for what they believe is right. I helps me to know that I am not the crazy one. I am not the naive one. I do understand the danger of letting Trump run roughshod over our Constitution. I can’t simply accept his lawlessness so I join others who reassure me that I have not lost my mind.

My only hope is that one day the entire world will be willing to admit that Trump is dangerous and that each of has is wise is fearing what his power trip will bring to us. It will only be when something finally happens to alert the vast majority of Americans that he has been playing us that resolution will finally take place and we will be saved from his attempts to damage us. I just hope that it isn’t already too late for that to happen. 

It never ceases to amaze me how differently we each view the world around us. I learned a long time ago that the concept of one size fits all is way off base. You cannot assume that just because something works for one group of people that it will be embraced by another. Each of us come from differing backgrounds that make impressions on us as we evolve as adults. If our parents are strict but loving we may tend to also be strict and loving or we may decide that real love means giving children a bit more room to be themselves. 

Two people might be in the same family and still see things differently. I remember talking with a friend whose mother and father divorced. She saw it as inevitable and no fault of either parent. Her sister felt otherwise and was never able to accept her father when he married a new woman and doted on her in ways that seemed more loving than how he had treated their mother. My friend loved her new “mother” but her sister never accepted her.

We are all affected by our genes and every single experience of our lives. Each tiny event leads to the creation of a unique person with ideas and opinions that are deeply personal. In a healthy environment children are able to grow and flourish enough that hopefully they will be okay when the meet the world as adults. 

Personality tests abound and demonstrate over and over again how we differ from one another. We have a majority of extroverts in our midst but introverts are still there nonetheless. There are folks who prefer beaches to mountains, parties to quiet gatherings. Some of us read mysteries while others lean toward romance. We name different movies as our favorites. So it is with how we vote and which policies we like. In fact, even our Founding Fathers had conflicting views regarding how to create laws for the new nation. To this very day we argue about what is best for our democracy. 

I have to admit that I do not understand how anyone supports Donald Trump and his cabinet members. In my mind he is doing horrific things that are overtly racist and possibly illegal. He seems more intent on vengeance than working together to create a more perfect union. Just listening to him talk makes my skin crawl but he has eager supporters who continue to believe that he is one of the best presidents our nation has ever had. 

I listen to the people who agree with Trump because I want to know why they continue to support him. I mostly find that they see him as a brilliant businessman while I see him as a kind of buffoon who has endured multiple bankruptcies. To me a really good businessman is not someone who is a salesman but someone who understands how the world economy works and what our place in that sphere should be. Bullying is not a sign of making a good deal but there are people who would totally disagree with me and see Trump as the strong force that we need.

The people who speak with reverence about Trump truly see him as a godly man who believes that ours is a Christian nation that should reflect our belief in God. I’m a faith filled and spiritual person but I am of the mind that it is not my place to foist my religious beliefs on others. Relationships with God should not be made political. We should have room for people of all faiths and even those who are secular agnostics and atheists. I dislike using the name of God to justify the actions of our president and lawmakers, especially when they do things that seem a bit ungodly to me. Religion belongs in the home, not the government. 

I know that many with whom I speak believe that we have become too permissive. They want stronger rules with consequences for those who flaunt the law. Of course I understand the need for laws, rules, and even punishments but I learned as an educator that there has to be room for situations that don’t really fit into the norm. Sometimes it just isn’t right to send a nine year old girl to a detention center just because someone saw her brother’s cigarettes in her purse. So too, are there reasons for considering every case in which individuals appear to have broken laws. Sometimes that might lead to understanding that the law itself was bad end not the accused. 

People work hard and want to keep as much of the money they earn as possible. it bothers them that some among us seem to be taking more from society than they are giving. I too have sometimes felt that my tax burden is far too big given what I ultimately get from paying those bills. Our country was founded by people who were upset with excessive taxes so it is not unusual for us to want to control government spending even if it means taking from those who are poor. The problem with that kind of thinking is that it does not take into account why different souls need our help and the reasons are often many. I seriously do not mind spending the tax money that I give the government to fund education or to help a family feed their children. I am even in favor of a national healthcare program because I see far too many Americans avoiding doctors because even with high priced insurance they cannot afford the fees that they must pay. 

I try to be fair and nonjudgemental toward the people who vote differently than I do. I have lived through the presidential years of people that I never voted for and survived. Sadly, the Trump years are so different. I dislike him not because I am unwilling to see things the way his supporters do but because I think that he is destroying what is best about America for only three reasons. He does not want to go to jail even though he is a convicted felon. He wants revenge on Democrats who have not worshipped him. He craves the money and power that the office has provided him. I do not believe that he cares for anyone but himself, so I feel badly when I hear a very nice person lauding him. I believe that he will one day hurt his supporters as much as he has hurt immigrants, women, people of different races, education, and our standing in the world. I really do care about all of the people in this country and I long for leadership that feels the same way. For this reason I will always feel that Trump is a disaster whose policies will cause decades of damage.