All It Takes Is A Little Love

I am a woman who grew up in a household managed by a woman. After my father died my mother had to take charge of keeping our family safe, secure, nourished and loved. She did a remarkable job given the minuscule monthly income that she had. In a era when most women were content to be housewives cared for by husbands, she managed to earn a college degree, pay off the mortgage on our home, purchase a car that she kept running for years, and send me and my brothers to college. She was a progressive woman long before we even spoke of such a thing.

I have totally equal footing with my husband. We are a team and neither of us dominates the other. I have always been free to follow my dreams. We make important decisions together and he is open to my ideas and ways of thinking. When I wanted an advanced degree he eagerly helped me find a way to manage the cost and the time that it would take for me to complete the courses. 

We have two daughters and we both encouraged them to follow their dreams and always be capable of being independent if needed. We taught them to develop their own opinions and how to be strong. They have demonstrated their own values and abilities just as we had hoped they would.

I have a granddaughter who is brilliant. She hopes to be a lawyer one day and has plotted a course that will be demanding of her time and talents. She is reaching for the moon and I believe that she will get there because she never gives up, never rests until she has reached her goals. 

I have always been content in knowing that my country and its government encourage girls and women. At this moment in our history there are more women graduating from college than men. Women may be found in all levels of work and power. As a nation we have encouraged our girls to be and do whatever they wished. 

I loved the progress that I have witnessed during my lifetime. When I was a child most women stayed home and took care of the household and the children. I appreciate that some women still choose such a lifestyle. The important thing is the ability to be in command of whatever they want to do. I do not want a return to my youth when it was incredibly difficult for a woman to follow pathways that did not conform to the traditions of the man being the head of the family. 

I have known older women who quietly whispered to me how much they admired me and my mother. They had wanted to further their educations but had been afraid to suggest such a thing to their husbands. It made me sad to hear how much they had silently dreamed of using their talents for something other than keeping the home fires burning. 

I remember the many times that women would seek my mother’s advice. I would overhear them asking her what they should do to control the sizes of their families. They struggled with one pregnancy after another and were exhausted from seemingly having no way to keep from becoming pregnant over and over again. 

Perhaps the worst case of an unfulfilled woman was a neighbor who spent hours crying in the company of my mother because her husband was abusive and she believed that there was no way out of his domination. Her tragedy left a permanent mark on me when she was one night murdered by the man who had broken her spirit. She had seen no way to escape the nightmare of her life and so she became a victim of her husband’s controlling anger. 

I have been elated to see the progress that women have made. They are able to determine the number of children they will have. They pursue education and vie for top jobs. It has seemed that all the old fashioned norms were gone and women enjoyed freedoms that made them equal to their male counterparts. Nonetheless we have been unwilling to cast enough votes for a woman to head our nation as president. A national reticence to view women as capable enough to be the Commander in Chief remains. 

Now we have a male chauvinist in charge along with most of his party who seem to want to roll back the advances that women have made. There is open talk that women should be making babies and to that end the ways of controlling births seems to be under threat. In the military woman are one by one being stripped of their authority and status. Backward thinking is threatening the concept of equality among the sexes and this saddens me. 

I encourage my granddaughter to keep pushing forward even as her options are slowly narrowing simply because she is a woman. I want her to be able to reach the moon if that is what she wants. We the females have worked hard to give her the freedoms that she needs. We can’t back down now. We won’t back down now. We only make life great for the females among us if we keep moving forward and only look back to understand the kind of thinking that we do not need.  

I’m certainly not perfect. I’ve never met anyone who is. That being said I was taught to be truthful and to accept responsibility for mistakes I have made. As a child I sometimes attempted to hide the messes that I made. I invariably got caught but my mother used those moments to teach me the power of admitting to difficulties, doing a bit of penance and then working on being better. I suppose that her influence taught me to be as open and honest as possible without revealing personal information that other people had shared with me. 

Lying has always seemed like a personal affront. I don’t like being led astray with tall tales or boasts that are little more than attempts to impress me. I much prefer people with enough conscience and courage to be straightforward whenever they have failed in one way or another. 

I don’t have to know every personal thing about the people in my life. Secreting troubles is okay but not if the impact of doing so hurts me or someone that I know. We are each entitled to our privacy but particularly in a work situation in which a team is tasked with achieving a certain goal it is always best if the members are willing to step forward to admit setbacks and honestly attempt to repair the damage down by missteps. Insisting on a cover up is the fastest way to lose the confidence of the people involved. It only takes one lie to make people wary of trusting a person or situation. 

Many years ago I worked with a very popular teacher. He was a soft spoken and kind man who captivated his students. Essentially everyone greatly admired him until he was suddenly featured on the local news for supposedly sexually abusing his teenage stepdaughter. 

Most of us found the story to be unbelievable. Even his students insisted that he had never once done or said anything untoward with them. Sadly he admitted to the members of his department that all of the accusations were true. It happened only once when he had imbibed a bit too much alcohol. He admitted his mistake to his wife and the family even attended counseling but eventually the girl’s behavior became problematic and when she was referred to a school counselor she broke down and recounted the entire incident. One thing led to another and the man soon lost his job, his certification and was being threatened with arrest. 

It was a very sad moment for me because I knew and liked the man. I had trusted him implicitly as had everyone else. Somehow his delayed admission of guilt magnified the horror of what he had done, but at the same time I appreciated that he took the time to personally apologize to all of us who had trusted him. There are many men who continue to lie even after their victim steps publicly forward like his step daughter did. He refused to place any blame on her. At least there was that. He was ready to atone for his sin.

I have been disappointed again and again by people with feet of clay who have done unspeakable things. The ones who bothered me the most were the ones who had pretended to be role models for young people. They posed as righteous souls while destroying the security of the very people that they were supposed to protect. It always hurts to realize that someone who seemed to be an icon of honor was hiding a shadow life that stood in opposition to everything that they were pretending to be. 

I hold people who work in the public domain and with children to a higher standard. When we entrust our institutions and our loved ones to someone we should expect character of the highest order. It bothers me that so many of our leaders today are horrific role models for the young. They bully and openly lie even when we all know the truth. I shudder at terrible examples that they demonstrate. I worry that young people will emulate their horrific behavior and all the while the rest of us will do nothing to remove them from their positions of influence.

I grew up with presidents like Eisenhower who led the world in conquering Hitler. He was a good and brave man who also displayed empathy for anyone who was suffering. There was nothing weak about him. He was a hero with a big heart. I saw him as someone that I should strive to be.

Many among us mistake insulting bravado for strength and competence. A truly good person does not have to boast or put down others. He or she certainly does not need to lie to cover a mistake. The truly great person admits shortcomings and then attempts to do better. I hope that we will begin to look for people like that to run things again. Looking the other way when someone makes it clear that truth is expendable should never be hailed for greatness. We should be demanding that our leaders be above reproach and willing to admit mistakes rather than hide them. I seem to recall that we rid ourselves of a president who tried a cover up in the 1970s. At least he was ultimately honorable enough to quietly leave when the evidence against him was so clear. Why would we not hold today’s leaders to the same high standards?

I am now mostly retired so any advice that I offer about finding ways to shed anxiety may seem moot to those who don’t know me well. I still teach and tutor mathematics two days each week. It takes time to assess student progress and create meaningful lessons beyond the actual hours of face time that I have with each of the young people with whom I work. I seem to fret and worry over them as much as I ever did with the students that I taught and counseled in public and private schools. 

I also run a household filled with aging individuals including myself. My father-in-law just turned ninety six and while we celebrate that he is still functioning well given his age, he is mostly dependent on me and my husband for just about everything. We have to sort his medications, prepare foods that keep him healthy, drive him to appointments, keep his environment clean and even do small tasks like addressing envelopes for him because his writing has become illegible. Aside from the added duties associated with his presence there is the concern over his well being. We have learned that his overall state of mind and body can change overnight landing him back in the hospital again. 

I also worry about my husband who has so many afflictions that we joke about visiting his doctors in the medical center as one of our forms of entertainment. Loved ones are also aging and encountering health issues that are worrisome. For now I’m still following an energetic schedule even as I have had to learn how to pace myself in ways that are foreign to my go getter personality. 

Then there is the general state of uncertainty in the United States. Each and every day since the inauguration of Donald Trump has brought chaos and worries affecting both loved ones and strangers. My tendency to observe and deeply feel the difficulties of others has left me drained from one day to the next. I have had to remember to engage in self care just to stay abreast to all of the duties and feelings that demand my attention. 

I have little doubt that everyone is feeling a bit anxious if they are paying attention to the troubles of the world or even just the concerns of the people around them. While I don’t advocate ignoring the realities of our lives or pretending that all is well when troubles are lurking at our doors, I do think that time outs are not just helpful but necessary. We each need moments to steal away from our troubles.

Over the decades of my life I have learned how to find solace if only for a few moments. For me silence is calming so I rise so early in the morning when it is unlikely that anyone will be awake to steal my moment of serenity. I have a daily routine that I perform just for myself. The homes around me are still dark when I open the blinds to let the rising sun slowly creep inside my haven. I prepare a small repast and ensconce myself on a lounger with my laptop perched on my knees. I play word games and then greet friends and family on Facebook. I listen as my neighborhood slowly comes alive and smile at the sound of children gathering at the bus stop just across the street from my home. I write my blog and and meditate until I feel strong enough to face whatever may come in the day ahead. 

When I am particularly run down in body and mind I retreat to my garden or my books. I lose myself in the beauty of nature or the wisdom of writers far better than myself. I feel part of something bigger when I do such things. I realize that people have endured far greater difficulties than my own. I gain perspective and feel a calmness sweep over my psyche. I’m ready to gird my loins and do battle again. 

Sometimes I just go off alone in my truck. I might drive around or stop to indulge myself in a chai tea latte. I might choose to walk through a park or wander around one of my favorite stores. I smile at people but mostly quietly observe them. When I return home I feel more inclined to continue to carry on as needed. 

I find exercise to be both a drudgery and an energizing activity. I force myself to begin and once I do so I find that I don’t want to stop. Everything about me gets stronger and I remember again how important it is to be kind to both my body and my mind. 

I often make quick phone calls to my family members and friends. I remember my mother reaching out to people every single day. I have found that a few moments thinking about someone other than myself is refreshing. I am reminded of what is really important and in doing so find great joy. 

I urge everyone to create a routine that allows “me” time no matter how busy your schedule may otherwise be. Keep a balance between your work and responsibilities but don’t just run away or attempt to drown the feelings that overcome you. Your emotional state is as important as your physical being. You must feed and exercise both your body and your mind. Find what works for you and then do your best to be your best when the good, the bad and the ugly come your way.  

Humans are naturally inventive. Even babies experiment with the environment, explore, try differing ways of interacting with the world around them. The human tendency to beautify themselves and the world around them is as instinctive and inevitable as early humans painting on the walls of caves. We use our intellect for scientific advancement and for artistic expression. it is not accidental that Leonardo da Vinci dabbled in both science and art. The two aspects of our brains are not nearly as different as one might imagine them to be. We humans have enormous capabilities to express ourselves with words, music, thoughts, and things that we build. We are at our very best when given a wide berth in which to use our unique abilities with only limitations in instances in which we might hurt ourselves or others. 

As humans we think about thinking. We are philosophers who ask questions and make suggestions about the best ways to live. Some theories of what is best for us are liberating and encouraging. Others are stifling and cruel. Historically we go back and forth between our desire for order and design versus an openness that allows each individual the freedom of expression. 

We ask ourselves who should be in charge. Over time we have shifted between assumptions that certain people were ordained my God to rule over us and beliefs that all humans should be equal with ideas that should be heard. To this very day we have both governments run by iron fisted dictators and shared policy making guided by elected officials. So far we have yet to find the most perfect ways of living together and honoring each other so that everyone is respected and given a voice that matters. 

In spite of ourselves we still waver about what kind of people and rules we need in order to insure that our daily lives will be safe and secure. We understand the human tendency to aspire to be angels is often balanced by a darkness that brings out our worst tendencies. We know that not every person has good motives. We have seen the evil that humans are capable of inflicting on one another. We also realize that we must be careful in characterizing and indicting people. Our fears can lead us to stereotyping and prejudices that blur the way we see whole groups of people. We can be unnecessarily frightened by ideas or actions that we do not understand. Our efforts to protect ourselves and those that we love can be so extreme that we spread too wide a net of fear. 

Innocents are hurt whenever we make sweeping decisions about entire swaths of people. History should have taught us to beware of propaganda that creates group think rather than using our wonderful ability to consider each situation individually. It is not just possible but most probable that there is no universal fix for the problems that plague us. Even our morals appear to sometimes differ from each other. We have tendencies to elevate one set of values over another rather than analyzing the veracity of what we believe. 

Human history vacillates between dark ages and times of renaissance, peace and war. We  have academics studying our errors and our advances. They seem to tell us that we would do well to educate ourselves and to consider the consequences of ceding our thinking to influencers who would turn us against each other rather than encouraging us to work together for the betterment of society. 

It is true that the moral high road has proven to be better for everyone than restrictive governing that focuses on denying the worth of certain groups. Whenever humans have asserted ascendency over those unlike themselves terrible tragedies have occurred. People have died in the name of God when their religious beliefs did not align with the current trends. People have died for the color of their skin or for being in the wrong tribe. People have died for their political beliefs. People have died because of restrictions on freedom for all.

A popular belief that runs throughout human history is that only those who possess property or wealth should have a say in how things should be. Such a closed circle has always insured that the majority of people must simply go along with the demands of those who already possess the most. Nonetheless heroes have emerged time and again to assert the ideas of equality, liberty, acceptance of diversity and the need to include all voices in our decisions. 

We are presently at a crossroad in the history of the world. Millions of people across the globe struggle under the thumb of tyrants. Wars and hunger plague places where the people are too often viewed as unworthy of having a voice in their lives. Nations are becoming more and more insular out of the kind of fears that pop up over and over again. 

We can be safe and happy and still open to the rest of humanity. We do not have to engage in a zero sum game in which we become divided into groups of winners and losers. It is doubtful that we will ever discover perfection but at the very least becoming more caring and accepting of all people will improve the values that guide us. 

Way back in nineteen sixty six I attended an English class at the University of St. Thomas with my high school mates. It was a recruitment effort that convinced several of my friends to apply for admission there. I was dead set on attending the University of Houston so I did not seek to attend the school even though they offered me a generous scholarship. Nonetheless, the visit there was quite memorable for two reasons. 

Firstly, we visited a professor in the music department who was the director of the choir. I have to admit that he was a rather charismatic fellow who made singing feel incredibly appealing even for someone like me who had no interest in using my ordinary voice to forge a future career. I vividly recall how energetic he was and how the students appeared to be very much enjoying their time with him. It would be many years later that I would hear about him again in a rather strange incident. 

He ended up leaving his post at St. Thomas and leading a rather strange cult that somehow believed that the group was destined to be picked up by alien beings who would take them on a spiritual tour of the universe. On an appointed day the members dressed in spacesuits and took enough sleep medication to kill themselves. They were supposed to then be transported to outer space for their journey beyond death but of course that never happened. 

I actually had a sense of why the individuals might have followed the leader who had once been a choir director. I had seen for myself how exciting he was but he still wasn’t magical enough for me to change my major and choice of university so I suppose that his pull was only minimally strong. Still, he managed to convince others to follow him into a rather ridiculous mass suicide. 

The other class that struck me even more and almost tempted me to apply for admission to the school was an English class in which the students and professor were discussing The Great Gatsby. I was incredibly well read by then thanks to my English teacher who required us to read and report on a book each week, but somehow the classic by F. Scott Fitzgerald had not found its way to my hands. 

After listening to the professor rhapsodizing about the brilliance of the book I literally rushed out to secure a copy and read it from beginning to end in a single sitting. It instantly became one of my all time favorite books, but in reading it at different junctures in my life I have reacted to the characters in many different ways depending on my level of intellectual growth. In spite of my own maturation and changing worldviews I found the story and characters more and more interesting over time. 

The Great Gatsby is celebrating the one hundredth anniversary of its publication in 1925 and it seems never to grow stale. If anything it continues to have more and more universal appeal as readers react to the themes of our humanity presented so beautifully in the story. It forces us to consider the nature of power and wealth, unrequited love, societies of haves and have nots, issues as modern as today’s news. Somehow Fitzgerald tapped into the physiological and sociological natures of our American story, creating a tragedy that speaks to us all. 

The Great Gatsby is Shakespearian and modern in its depiction of characters and situations. it easily translates to new generations of readers from one era to the next. It has spawned movies and plays and much discussion in the years since it first came to be. Artists have used their own creativity with visuals and music to suggest new interpretations of the story. Both the depth and the shallowness of the characters might be credibly applied to our present times of materialism, struggles between oligarchs and common folk pressing to be accepted as equals. I suppose the true nature of the story that Fitzgerald wrote expresses all of our longings and disappointments in our efforts to be seen and accepted. 

After the visit to St. Thomas I went on to major in English at the University of where I encountered first class professors but few of them were as outstanding as the one that I witnessed on that high school field trip that so inspired me. I’ve often thought of the English professore who introduced me the a classic that seems to only become better each time I read it. I have been grateful for the inspiration that he demonstrated. I ended up teaching mathematics because of my minor but I did my best to put a bit more excitement into my classes because of what I had seen on that day and how it made me feel. I realized that it only takes a single moment to make a difference in an individual’s life. Such a moment has stayed with me to this very day.