All It Takes Is A Little Love

Women are the people who quietly go about the world doing wonderful things that few people ever notice. They make sure the everyone in the family has clean socks and underwear. They work at work and work at home doing their magic to keep everything running smoothly. They schedule and chauffeur and stay up long after everyone else is asleep doing laundry or preparing lunches for the next day. Women do these things automatically, rarely asking for credit and often seeming to be invisible. It is only when they get sick or injured or die that we sometimes realize just how much they have been doing. We can’t believe how much things fall apart when they are gone. 

It is difficult being a woman. We tend not to make as much money as men for the very same jobs. When children are sick it is often left to the women to take time off from work. Women are usually the ones who remember birthdays and special events. They take care of purchasing gifts and visiting elderly friends and family members. Sometimes we marvel at everything that they do. At other times we almost take their countless efforts for granted. Who really thinks about why that toilet is so clean or how the apples that we enjoy so much found their way into our refrigerator?

Women lovingly and willingly stretch themselves so thinly that they sometimes neglect their own needs. I remember my Grandma Minnie Bell hiding pain so long that when it finally became unbearable she was diagnosed with stage 4 untreatable cancer. My Grandma Ulrich kept mopping her floors every single day, making dinner for her sons, and cheerfully offering coffee to anyone who came to visit until one day she did not have the strength to get out of bed. A visit to a doctor revealed that she had end stage cancer as well. 

Stories such as these are not so uncommon with women. They hide all kinds of pain and worry and sorrows because they know that they have duties beyond themselves. They push and push themselves until they have no more energy to keep going. Even as they recuperate they make lists of things that must be done. They know the calendar by heart. They can drive the routes to schools and ball fields and swimming pools blindfolded. Their dedication is super human and yet much of what they do seems so small until they are not doing it anymore. 

Women find it difficult to let go and just take care of themselves. They may instinctively know that life should be more than just a to-do list but worry about who will actually accomplish the tasks that need to be done if they give in to every ache and pain that comes their way. It’s easier said than done to take a break to parse their many duties and eliminate the ones that don’t seem to matter as much. 

Perhaps they can let dust settle on the furniture but bathrooms and kitchens need to be clean and healthy. Maybe they can skip folding the clothes after they have been washed but some items wrinkle so easily inside a piled high basket. Not every woman can afford to hire someone to come and do the heavy cleaning and so they do their best to keep the routines moving smoothly lest their worlds collapse into chaos. 

I am haunted by a story that I have often told of a woman who worked three different jobs just to keep a roof over her head and that of her son. He worried constantly about her because she would leave early in the morning and return close to midnight. Sometimes she was so exhausted that she fell asleep in her car, unable to even walk inside. Other times she made it as far as the living room couch where she would lie grabbing a few hours sleep before doing her work all over again. Her legs and ankles were swollen and painful but she had to hide her pain. Hers was an extreme story but not so unlike so many women simply trying to keep the engines of their lives moving forward. 

This is not to say that men do not also have their problems, it is only to point out that we all too often underestimate the extent to which women silently sacrifice themselves for others even as they know that their efforts will go unheard and unseen. They do what they do because they love, not for laurels or anything other than the joy of knowing that they are tackling jobs that are much more important than they may seem to be. 

It has been this way since the beginning of time. The mothers and daughters and sisters and female friends almost automatically become caretakers. They see those who came before them making soup for the sick, pushing themselves even when they are bone tired. They remember mothers who came to check on them in the middle of the night. Mothers were the ones they called when they were afraid or when their fevered heads hurt. They cuddled in the warmth of their mothers’ hugs and shed their tears knowing that women would make everything right. 

When I get down I often need to find a woman with whom to share my feelings, bare my thoughts. I know that most women will understand why it is important to get better to be able to take care of others. They will know how difficult it is to just rest when things must be done. They can show me how to take a break for just long enough to get my super powers working once again. Women are remarkable like that. I am thankful for all that they do.

James Earl Jones was a remarkable actor with an unforgettable voice. He did many movies and Broadway plays but was perhaps best known for being the voice of Darth Vader. That iconic role will forever be his legacy to the world but his true life story is perhaps much more interesting. 

Unbeknownst to most of us, James Earl Jones was almost mute as a young boy. His stutter was so bad that he spoke very little lest he be ridiculed. it was not until he was a high school student that he finally came out of his shell. He wrote a poem for an English class that was so stunning that the teacher challenged him with an accusation that he must not have been the author of the piece. Of course, Mr. Jones had to defend himself and the teacher made a deal with Jones to prove his authorship by reciting the poem in class. Jones practiced for days both to hide his speaking problem and to perfect his delivery with the emotional impact that he intended to poem to convey. His delivery was impeccable and it changed to course of his life as his wise teacher rewarded him with high praise for both his creativity and his sonorous voice.

It is rather incredible how a single event or person has the power of making or breaking us. I remember times when teachers had similar impacts on my development as an adult. The first grade teacher who showed me how to overcome my slight dyslexia unlocked the techniques that I would always use to read and learn. The college coach who took the time to teach sports to me step step increased my confidence in my physical self. The English teacher who insisted that I had a gift for writing helped me to realize that I might have something worthy of sharing. Then there was the principal who had faith in my ability to be a leader and scheduled me to be the acting principal for summer school. 

There always seem to be people who see our talents better than we do. If they take the time to encourage and push us we often find ourselves attempting things that at one time were unthinkable. In the process we realize our own talents and find the joy that comes from actually using them. I suspect that everyone has one or more persons in their lives who granted them the gift of acknowledgement. 

My mother often spoke of an English teacher who told her that she had an amazing grasp of the English language. That was quite a compliment for a young girl who was the daughter of immigrant parents who spoke little or no English. She took great pride in being able to speak and write with precision and eventually became a teacher herself. 

My husband had a professor who became a mentor and lifelong friend. The relationship came at a time when he was struggling to find himself and doubting his own abilities. Throughout the rest of his career there would always be people who saw his skills and talents even though he is by nature a very quiet and unassuming man. Those people opened doors for him that he would never have known to take on his own. 

Mentors are wonderful people who encourage others rather than competing with them. They enjoy finding the sometimes hidden talents that every person has. I have tried to be such a person. I remember encouraging a student who was heavily involved in gangs to use his artistic abilities. I purchased art supplies for him and told him to keep his best pieces in a portfolio that I gave him. He was quite stunned that anyone had noticed his work. I would like to think that he continued honing his talent and that one day he will be recognized.

We never know when we have changed another person’s life. Sometimes we do very little and don’t even remember the moment when that individual discovered something new and exciting about himself or herself. I’ve been stunned at times to hear the impact that I had on someone. it tells me that we would all do well to notice the good in each person and tell what we see rather than keeping it in our heads. Everyone benefits from hearing praise from someone else. Everyone is up to a challenge when its goal is to launch confidence and self belief.

As a math teacher I constantly hear from students who insist that they are terrible with numbers. That usually translates to being someone who has just never had the right explanations. Most of the time a really good teaching session brings amazing results. Math can be daunting but the right instructor makes it magical. 

Look around you and find the people who are struggling with themselves unaware of talents hiding in plain sight. Tell them when you see wonderful things in them. Don’t lie or exaggerate, simply be truthful in sharing what is obviously wonderful about them. Maybe it is their kindness. Maybe it is a certain talent. Maybe it is their willingness to work hard to change. Whatever you see, mention it. Your notice may help create another James Earl Jones or maybe just a dedicated teacher who loves to read and write blogs and is comfortable in her own skin. 

When I was in high school my English teacher required the students in his class to write a weekly theme based on a single word or phrase. There were few other directions other than requiring both a minimal and maximal number of words. It was up to our individual creativity to determine the thoughts that would end up on the papers that we wrote. It was exactly the kind of assignment that I enjoyed. 

I am the kind of person who likes having as much freedom to do things as possible. I become surly when I am restricted by too many rules. I dislike the idea of following a scripted way of living. I have never been able to work or live in that kind of environment, but when I was teaching and working as the Dean of Faculty I quickly learned that a large segment of the population thrives on having exacting sets of rules. 

For those of us who are free spirits the mere thought of being told that we must act in very specific ways is anathema. I literally was never able to learn in a set way. I hated those classes where the teacher demanded that I take notes in a particular manner. I have my own learning style and I found such constrictions to actually make it more difficult to recall and explain information. 

I’ve been told that I don’t hold my pencil correctly when I write but my methods has worked for me for decades. I take notes with pictures, codes that I created just for myself years ago. I bloom when assignments are open ended rather than confined by rule after rule that I have to check off as I work. My motto has always been to just get the gist of expectations and then let my creativity run wild. Somehow when left alone I soar, when confined I become mediocre. 

Nonetheless I know for a fact that many people need step by step directions and requirements to be successful. They crave rules to guide them. They seriously can’t handle an assignment without hard and fast deadlines or detailed descriptions of expectations. Thus I found myself often providing such guidelines to both teachers and students when I myself was appalled by them. 

As a math teacher I knew that there were almost always multiple ways of solving a particular problem. I like the idea of allowing my students to explore concepts and come up with their own methods of understanding. More often than not, however, I would have a substantial number of pupils who wanted me to simply provide them with a step by step process without going into the weeds of comprehension. The idea of thinking outside of the box was not just foreign to them, it was anathema. 

I found the same to be true when I was the Dean of Faculty. I required the teachers to provide me with a review of their weekly lesson plans each Monday morning. Some of the most exciting and excellent teachers let me know what they were doing with brief descriptions of their intentions. Others literally turned in detailed scripts. The worst aspect of the situation was whenever some of the teachers rebelled and insisted that I create a strict formula that every person in the building had to follow. In other words, they demanded that every person should have to conform to their ways of doing things. 

I find society to be much like that. We have people who want incredibly strict ways of living. They think that forcing everyone to follow the rules that make them comfortable makes for a more harmonious society. Such people think it their duty to make rules that reflect their preferred sets of beliefs. They never stop to realize that a truly vital society understands that we each have different needs and the best way of doing things is to allow each person to tackle life’s demands in the ways that work for them. Some will need a strict written code of conduct and others will just naturally find ways to live lovingly in community with fellow humans. Most of the time keeping things simple like my English teacher did makes for happier moments of discovering who we are and what works best for us. 

Obviously we have to follow certain common sense laws that allow us to function as a society. We humans seem to naturally understand that we can’t hurt each other with lies, theft, violence, betrayal. We codify sets of conduct that seem to be universal to most ways of thinking. Still, we always walk a fine line when designing laws that involve our religious and political differences. Here in the United States we should be certain that we do not become so judgmental that we cross a line that forces a goodly number of our citizens to adhere to philosophies that should be individual and personal. To avoid devolving into tyranny we would do well to be open to many different points of view. That is when we operate at our best as a community. 

Instead of being judgmental our goal should always be to strive for understanding and inclusivity. Human nature is not made up of clones. We are not naturally robotic. Each of us thinks, learns, and lives in the ways that work best for our specific needs. We should honor our differences as long as they do not maliciously hurt each other. If we keep in mind that we are each unique by design our theme of life will be open and welcoming of the many ideas that make our world vital and exciting. Some among us will have step by step rules, others will be as free as the wind. All of us are wonderful. When we acknowledge that we will be on our way to happier and more productive ways of living. 

Each morning people rise from their slumbers and begin the routines that are part and parcel of whom they seem to be. The millions and millions of individuals on this earth do the work that keeps us clothed, fed, entertained, healthy, educated. So much goes on around us that we sometimes do not notice the importance of each job until for some reason it is not done. Little wonder that so many feel not just unappreciated but unseen. It is as though they do not even exist even as they labor to keep our homes, neighborhoods, cities, nations running. 

Today I began to think of the many times when I have rushed around hardly giving a thought to all of the activity buzzy around me. I don’t think of leaving a thank you card for the mailman when I find the letters and packages neatly placed in the box that is mine, but I should. I only passingly glance at the men digging a gigantic hole designed to hold who knows what. I have to remind myself not to become irritated when the line at the grocery store grows too long. I may as well be totally blind to the important contributions that are taking place all around me. Then someone comes along and reminds me to take time to notice and appreciate all the wonderful deeds by thanking me for the simple act of holding the door open for them. 

I think of how nice it is to hear a pleasant voice congratulating me for something that so many take for granted. I feel sheepish when I hear that compliment, but also enjoy the flush of joy that it brings to me. Suddenly I know that someone has actually seen my efforts to be kind and helpful. Despite the fact that it is not necessary to hear nice words each time we provide what should be common courtesy, I like that I was not invisible if only for a moment. 

Some people have a knack for taking note of the efforts of their fellow humans. They demonstrate their gratitude with a pat on the back, a note of thanks, a small gift, an “atta boy or girl.” it’s something that we should all do more often and not just for the obvious recipients like police officers or soldiers. The guy who comes to repair a clogged toilet may be getting paid, but believe me a bit of praise added to the tab will probably make  his day. 

As I type this blog I see the school bus bringing children home to our neighborhood. Whoever drives them is so very important. I think of how nice it might make her feel to know that I have noticed how carefully she drives and how on time she always is. There are people all around us that we should make an effort to see and appreciate. It takes only seconds to be openly grateful for them. 

I have sadly spoken to people who are quick to shower influential or wealthy individuals with praise and gifts only to impress them and maybe earn some perks from them. I wonder how often they do the same for the yard guy that they order around and grade with an impossibly rigid rubric. 

I’d like to challenge each of you who read this blog to choose two folks to receive a compliment or a thank you from you. Even better would be to begin a conscious effort to do this every single day of the year. It can be anyone with whom you have contact. Maybe it’s someone living in your home who is doing a load of laundry or making a shopping list to be certain that you will have what you need for a good day. The more ordinary the task, the greater the probability that the person sometimes feels unseen. Let them know explicitly that you do know what they are doing and you are truly thankful that they perform these tasks for you.

Positive reinforcement moves mountains, creates relationships, brings hope to the downtrodden. Every single one of us wants to know that the jobs we do are worth the efforts that we put into them. There is nothing more dreary and soul crushing than working hard only to be totally ignored as though you are expected to be someone’s work horse. 

I know that what I am suggesting really does work to make life better. I’ve tried it even with someone who is being grumpy. Once I smile and vocalize what I like about their work, they soften and return the joy. Making someone feel good should become as commonplace in our daily actions as eating and sleeping. 

I suspect that people who become seriously depressed are victims of more than just an imbalance in their brains. They are feeling unloved, unseen, unimportant. It is a horrible condition indeed. Look around. See what you can do to be a bright light in someone’s day. Spread some joy! Being nice will make you feel better as well. 

Every life is important to me. I do not see one person as being more worthy to exist than another. I would call myself a gentle soul who cringes at the thought of violence. I despise the American gun culture that somehow makes it so easy for individuals to get their hands on dangerous weapons and then carry out horrific plans to kill others. I have long believed that there is a kind of sickness in the world that all too often ends in the tragedy of murder or assassination. 

I know that our national propensity toward creating dangerous shooters is a complex problem that will not be solved by quick fixes. The answer to gun violence is not to arm more people nor is it to build moats and impenetrable locks. It begins with how we raise our children, what values we teach them to seek, how we model the proper treatment of others. Of course I also fully understand that even in the best of circumstances a kind of darkness can invade people’s minds and lead them to evil acts of desperation. 

I do not bless violence of any kind whether it be verbal or physical abuse. I grieve each time someone decides to take the life of another to assuage the demons that they see or imagine in our society. All too often the perpetrators of such horrors are young men of varying intellect, personality and background. The only common link between them seems to be anger and a misguided belief that somehow they are sending an important message to our society. Each time one of them kills another I fret and feel an oppressive sorrow for the loss of innocents as well as the waste of what might have been more positive lives for the killers. I somehow feel the incredible pain of the families of the victims as well as the horror and shame of the families of the murderers. Such tragedies leave nothing good behind. 

The latest sensational killing occurred when a young man of seeming intelligence and means decided to assassinate the CEO of United Healthcare. Evidence indicates that the suspect saw himself as a kind of modern day hero willing to take a stand against insurance company practices that sometimes have a negative impact on the lives of innocent people. In a manifesto he proclaimed his belief that passive resistance and peaceful attempts to solve such problems never really work. Instead using the Unabomber as an example he proclaimed that the only way to draw enough attention to a problem is with violence done in the name of good. 

While I agree that the healthcare insurance in our country is a major problem for everyone but the very rich, I will never under any circumstances condone killing. Those who are cheering this young man as a kind of modern day Robin Hood or hero are wrong, just as holding up Kyle Rittenhouse as a hero after he killed and maimed individuals at a protest was also wrong. It saddens me that a young man with the kind of intellect that earned him the valedictory in high school and two degrees from an Ivy League university felt compelled to mindless murder rather than using his skills to peacefully bring attention to the problems of private insurance for our healthcare needs. 

I think of other young people who are bravely advocating for causes that are important to them.  David Hogg was a student at Parkland High School on the day that a mass shooter killed many of his classmates. From that day forward he has been a vocal opponent of the gun industry. He has since earned a college degree and established an organization dedicated to helping likeminded young people to gain access to local, state and national government positions. While his progress is slow it has not been totally ignored. He is legally using the system to attempt to make the legislative changes that will help to halt the easy proliferation of guns. 

Greta Thunberg has traveled the world challenging the leaders of all nations to take actions designed to halt the progress of climate change. At only twenty one years of age she has devoted her time and talents to advocating for the kind of everyday efforts each of us might make to forestall the impact of our rapidly changing climate. She has spoken before the United Nations and even garnered a nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize. She has even been honored as the Time magazine Person of the Year. All of this has been done without hurting anyone. 

A little over four years ago an armed mob stormed our nation’s capital hoping to overthrow the results of a legal and fair election. People were killed and injured on that day. Now as the man who egged the violators on is preparing to enter the White House. These traitors are being lauded as the real patriots in our country. In the meantime the president elect is fueling anger with threats to try and imprison those who investigated the causes of the terrible January 6 event that threatened our very democracy. Such a perversion of the reality of violent acts only begets more violent acts like the recent murder. We must do better than this by condemning any acts of illegal aggression that harm people.

Today we have two children who will grow up without their father. I know a bit about that and it is tragic. While we may not agree with the tactics that this man used as CEO of United Healthcare he did not need to die. At the same time we have a young man whose hubris led him to believe that murdering another human was necessary to shine a light on a major problem. In donning the aspects of a terrorist he threw away another’s life as well as his own. Such a manner of dealing with a problem is always wrong and he proved himself to be a maniacal coward rather than than a hero. I shed tears for the horrific waste of it all and hope that our leaders will not perpetuate such actions by condoning any kind of violence no matter the reasoning behind it.