I’m not a spring chicken, so I have seen and sometimes even experienced many of the difficulties that plague societies. My mother was a single woman whose income never reached a level that made life easy for her. When she became older my brothers and I realized that she needed to have more assistance with daily living. Since residing in a facility designed for seniors never appealed to her because of cost and what she saw as loss of freedom, we struck a bargain and invited her to take turns living with us in our homes. She was a rather thoughtful guest who made the situation as pleasant as possible for herself and for us, but I knew that there was always a kind of tension that threatened to burst forth and sometimes actually did.
My mother never wanted to sell her home while she was living elsewhere. Somehow she harbored a belief that she might one day return to her more independent life. While we knew that it was more likely that she would become less and less able to live alone, we quietly let her continue to pay taxes and utility bills for her empty house. Sometimes we took her there just to sit among her familiar things for a few hours. All in all we made the situation work, but realized that it was becoming less and less tenable for all of us. Serious discussions about next moves were on the horizon and we kept putting them off.
Now I find myself in a similar situation with my ninety four year old father-in-law. While he is desperately attempting to maintain his independence, we see him becoming less and less able to take care of himself. He certainly can no longer live alone, but like my mother he insists on keeping his home. The stress of continually driving across congested roads to check on his mail and the general condition of the house falls mainly on my husband, whose health is definitely declining so he should be shouldering fewer and fewer responsibilities, not more. Nonetheless we have made the situation work for a bit over a year now and simply respond day by day by to changes in both us and my father-in-law that are inevitable as all three of us age.
I find myself thinking that our American society has created very few options for the care of older citizens even though we know that we have so many who are struggling in one way or another. Behold the resurrection of an old idea known as the additional dwelling unit or ADU. A trend in many parts of the country is to build a tiny house for older relatives near the family home of younger generations. Where there is enough land and zoning laws are not too restrictive, these places, sometimes called Granny flats, are revolutionizing the ways in which we look after senior citizens who are reluctant are reluctant to check themselves into the old school nursing and assisted living homes. People who have created such spaces boast about how much stress is removed from an often delicate situation when nobody feels that they have lost their independence or privacy.
I actually teach mathematics to a group of students who live in an expanded version of ADUs. They have a large tract of land that houses the parents, grandparents and even siblings of the young family that hired me to teach their children. It is indeed a compound of many generations in which everyone has a private space while simultaneously being able to look out for one another without much effort. Everyone’s happiness is apparent in the joyfulness that comes from the reduction of worry and stress that they enjoy. It literally reminds me of Amish communities where families create compounds in which everyone enjoys the comfort of knowing that there are always caring relatives nearby.
Another concept is co-housing, the idea of creating a community of townhomes or small houses around a central courtyard. Such places gather a mixture of young and old people who agree to look after one another while also having their own spaces for privacy. A high school friend of mine has been a leader in establishing such a co-housing project in the Houston area and his enthusiasm for the idea has captured my imagination.
Even as we have found a steady routine within our now expanded household I am all too aware that our comfortable pace might be interrupted at any moment by any one of us becoming ill, facing a medical emergency. In my own case I worry about what might happen if either I or my husband become temporarily incapacitated while looking after my father-in-law. I also am fully aware that as the clock ticks for him it becomes more and more likely that he will be less and less able to do things for himself and those times will most certainly come. As my husband and I also age the problems will begin to compound themselves and we do not yet have any kind of plan. I
In spite of friends’ comments that I am a saint I know all too well the worries that cause me to panic over what my imagination thinks may lie ahead. My anxieties suck the joy of life more often than I want to admit and I suspect that it is so with anyone dealing with an aging parent. Happily some people have been innovative in dealing with the problem and we might all learn from them.
I don’t know where my own situation will lead. My mother died before things became dire. My father-in-law does his best to blend into our routines. He too worries about what lies ahead. We all try to just think about those things tomorrow while I suspect we would be better served if we were to talk about how we should react to whatever happens before it happens. I plan to start those conversations with my adult children right now. I have learned the hard way how difficult it can be to meet everyone’s needs only when an emergency arises. Better that we broach those topics and find agreement that allows everyone to feel good. It’s time to have a plan so I don’t want to wait to think about that tomorrow.
All It Takes Is A Little Love 
Yes, begin the conversations now, so they can grow less anxiety producing or anguished later. It was in caring for my mother that I got to talk to my adult children about what I did or didn’t want. Letting them know that I was not opposed to Assisted Living ideas, and preferred them to intruding on their home(s) other than for visits.
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Your post comes to me at a most interesting time. I will turn 92 on Sunday, so someday I may be in the same situation as your father-in-law. I have a large acreage, but except for the house spot it is all kept natural. I have all of the power equipment needed and enjoy takeing care of the yard space. My wife and I designed and built our home designed for the older age, with all doors and conveniences without problems and with an unattached guest house, and maids come in once a week to help in the housework. I lost her to cancer some years back. So as of now, I have everything I need, but I am thinking about my own future.
One option would be to put a younger person in the guest house to have someone near so this is the way I am thinking. My sons both still have their own lives to live and I am not sure if they would ever want “country living”, but they are at my beck and call and help out when I ask for it, keeping in close contact.
When my mother got up in age, we lived in Houston, so we actually bought a larger house and moved into it while still in town, with a special “Mother-in-law” section in the home. It backed up to Buffalo Bayou walkway, and a bird sanctuary as a place to walk and was very peaceful. We had my mother move in, and did everything we could to make her happy, (but she was not~!)
My mistake was that I kept the little house we had provided for her back in Louisiana, (as you have done), thinking that this would keep her happy, knowing it was still there. But she was unhappy and “ran away from home”,,,,,, that is she “went to visit” my older sister, who lived near her little house in the country but instead, planned to move back into her little house alone. The biggest conflict was religion, but I took her to church each Sunday, and picked her up after the service, thinking she would make common friends that way. Nothing worked~!
However, she had her own plans all prepared, and actually moved back into that little house in Louisiana. What a mistake, she fell and broke her hip and ended up in a nursing home after all. This made her even less happy, so I arranged an assisted living place in the same area where she grew up (near that same little home) with a lady who knew her and our family when she was growing up. She should have been very happy there, but her mind was going, and she rapidly deteriorated so nothing would have made her happy in her last days. There was nothing we or anyone else could do to make her happy as Alzheimer’s took over and she was then over 300 miles away with on nearby family to look after her. My sister sold her place and moved away. What a mess..
I am the last of a family of six kids but I have two great Sons, two grandsons, and many friends both online and close by. You all know about my “Service Dog” Tami who looks after me and her two cats. But I do not want to be a burden to my sons, though they would help if I asked for it.
I still drive, have a nice car and I have great neighbors almost my age, but I live about 10 miles out of town and I would rather die than go into one of those damn nursing homes where I sometimes go to visit others, so know what they are like. My mind is still very sharp, but my body is getting old. I have one son about an hour away and the other there in Houston. We will be spending the coming weekend in San Antonio to celebrate my birthday. I will drive down on Sunday, spend the night and be back on Monday. So now you know why I sometimes get depressed.
What to do next~?…… please don’t answer that, !-!-!- I have had too many people already trying to tell me what to do~!
My many friends, online and in person are great, and I am happy, but your post adds to my thoughts on what is next~!
SAM
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Wow! You are someone who in many ways has thought things through, but none of us can ever know what will ultimately happen in our lives. My father-in-law’s situation with us is a good one for now. Being a former teacher I tend to look ahead and plan ahead for most eventualities. I worry a great deal instead of simply enjoying each day as it is. Growing old is complex but it sounds as though you have figured it out. You are leading a wonderful life .
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Sharon, I can’t take credit for all of that I can only credit myself for finding a Jewel. I married a beautiful, kind, very intelligent lady almost ten years younger than I was.
She and I discussed everything we did, and it was mostly her who insisted on our house being set in a way where the sun came up on the bedroom windows, porches with large windows on three sides except for the north, and doors 36 inches wide, a front entrance almost at ground level, and only a ground floor living space in case of future need for wheelchairs, with it being a smaller house with a removed guest house. (the guest house is over my shop and office). I designed the cabinets in the house with drawers in the lower cabinets, and no high out or reach cabinets, gas top but an electric oven, etc, etc, etc. And those large outside porches even have a huge fireplace for early spring and late fall group sitting.
All of this she insisted on, thinking that I might grow old and need them, but as it turned out she was the one who needed a wheelchair in the few months before cancer took her life.
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You were blessed to be wedded to a very wise woman
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