I woke up on my seventy sixth birthday feeling pensive. There is a great deal on my mind these days, a kind of heaviness that I don’t usually encounter on the days surrounding my entrance into this world. For most of my life November 18, has been a day of great celebration as I realize that most of my worries are silly and of my own making. I am a ninety-ninth percentile introvert which means that I spend a great deal of time in my head creating “what if” scenarios that rarely become as dire as I have sometimes imagined. At this moment I can’t help thinking that much of what I cherish most about my long life may in fact be in danger. The only other time I recall feeling this way on my birthday was in the same year that my father died when I turned nine years old. 

My life and that of my family was literally turned upside down by my father’s death. Suddenly we were catapulted into a world so very different from what I had ever expected. Nobody ever predicts the sudden death of a man in his early thirties and yet there we were living in a constant state of uncertainty that sent me more inside my thoughts and worries than I have ever been. On top of a total lifestyle change I had to endure the cruelties of a teacher who lacked compassion and understanding for me and my classmates. All in all I remember feeling nothing as my birthday approached beyond a sense of doom. 

That is the moment when my dear mother came to my rescue just as she would always tend to do. She somehow managed to purchase and hide a brand new Schwinn bicycle for me that helped me feel joyful, free and independent from the worries that had built up in my mind. Somehow she knew what I needed to restore just a bit of joy and normalcy in my life. That bike became symbolic of the control and steadiness that had been missing in the months since my father’s death. He had after all been the one who patiently taught me how to keep my balance when the training wheels had been removed from the smaller bike that I had outgrown. Advancing to a full sized bicycle not only reminded me of the many things that my father had taught me, but also showed me that my mother understood the importance of helping me move forward in my life. It was indeed the perfect gift in a moment when I was beginning to lose hope.

I rode that bike into my teen years. it conveyed me to parks, libraries, homes of friends. it gave me freedom to be myself and to celebrate just being alive. It helped me to realize the  joy and confidence that was always there inside me. 

On birthday seventy-six the bulk of my life is behind me. Now both my father and mother are gone. I think of the lessons that they taught me and I suppose that in my musings I find that the world is in a very dangerous place.

My father showed me the power of reading and learning. My mother taught me to importance of kindness and compassion for my fellow humans. These things taken together warn me that we are embarking on a very dangerous time in history. A man who seems unlikely to think rather than to vengefully react will soon be our president. He has vowed to expel millions of immigrants and to punish those who have voiced opposition to his ideas and actions. It feels like a very dark and uncertain time once again. I have known such dire feelings and they make me anxious for my daughters and my grandchildren and all of the beautiful students whom I have taught. I worry that the wonderful world that I have known will change in the most terrible of ways. I sense that I must do something but I do not yet know what that might be. 

I long to feel the gentleness of my mother and the wisdom of my father in unravelling my fears. I want to ride my blue bike with into the wind somehow fixing everything that now seems so unfixable. I want to see that I have been silly in being afraid of the man leading us who reminds me so much of that horrific teacher who seemed only to care about herself. I wonder if seventy six year old me can be part of setting things right again for surely this is not a time to wallow in fear and sadness. 

The signs point to trouble for the United States and for the world. An immoral man has been chosen to lead us. He is selecting immoral people to loyally helped him to upend our democratic traditions. He wants to rule with an iron fist, get even with anyone who has ever opposed him, break rules, attack the foundations of our Constitution. 

This time I am not just in my own head. Good and wise men and women are as worried as I am. Mine are not the imaginings of a nine year old child. I have a lifetime of experiences on which to rely. I will blow out the candles on my birthday cake and make a wish that we will be able to stop this man from taking down our security and our freedom simply because he is angry. Then I will do whatever it takes to make my wish come true. I have learned that we each have to take charge of even the most horrific situations. I am ready!