Category: Commentary

When I was young my mother sometimes cooked cow liver with onions for our dinner. She considered it to be a kind of delicacy that was also good for preventing anemia. I viewed it as the grossest thing that ever came into our house. Just smelling it made me want to gag and the mere thought of ingesting it turned my stomach. It was one of the few times that I became a recalcitrant and whiny child, unwilling to accept the bounty of what Mama chose to prepare for our family meal. 

My brothers never balked at eating the vile innards of a cow but I was adamant that it would never pass my lips. My mom was just as insistent that I was free to leave my portion of the main course for others to share but she was not willing to prepare something different for me. She would point to the accompanying vegetables that might soothe my hunger but I was still not satisfied because I was literally unable to be in the same room with the offending liver without feeling quite ill. Mama’s solution to that problem was to announce that I was free to go outside until the rest of the family had finished dinner if I so chose and I always took her up on that offer. 

I’d stand in the yard gagging at the thought of my mother and brothers actually ingesting the foul protein. I felt like a valiant crusader for standing my ground and refusing to be part of the disgusting ritual of dining on liver and onions. Luckily my mother only chose to serve such a meal once in a blue moon so I was able to reserve my histrionics for a full blown rebellion on the occasions when she brought such a meal into our home. I suppose that we both thought we had won since neither of us were ever willing to back down. Luckily I have never been particularly in need of a regular round of meals so going to bed without dinner was a very small sacrifice for me but I never let my mother know how little in mattered to me. Instead I acted as though I was being unfairly tortured by her lack of understanding of my stance. 

My mother was of course a widow with three children to feed and an impossibly small income with which to purchase food. She had to be quite creative when it came to planning meals, never wasting a single ingredient for any reason. She did not have the luxury of catering to our dining whims and so her strictly enforced rule was that we either ate what she offered or passed on that particular meal. She never made us eat something we did not like but she taught us to begin with small portions, perhaps just enough to taste something to determine if we wanted more. While she never made us clean our plates her face demonstrated her concern if we were wasteful of the food that we had. It was painful for her to throw something in the trash. 

I cannot think of anything else that she prepared for us that I was unwilling to eat other than liver and onions. She was a wonderfully inventive cook who made even the most humble ingredients seems to be a gourmet treat. She had a knack for combining spices and common items in a way that was unique and tasty. I think she thought of liver and onions as a splurge and it hurt her feelings that I made such a show of disgust when she placed it on the menu. 

I suppose that I might have been a little more reserved and polite in my commentary. I should have just explained that I did not care to eat on the evenings when liver and onions were on the table and then taken a walk around the neighborhood until the disturbing food had been consumed and the kitchen cleaned of its odor. Instead I became a drama queen to emphasize my disgust with the whole thing. It was as though I wanted to destroy the moment for everyone and become the center of attention with my antics. 

Over time I learned how to curb shows of dislike with food. I am far more polite when I do not want to consume a particular type of food. I fill my plate with things that I prefer and use the trick of taking a small spoon of the offending item so that when it is left on the plate it appears that I simply ran out of appetite. Sometimes I do not even partake in a charade but simply choose only what I like to eat. In today’s world filled with so many vegetarians and vegans I can get by with only fruit and vegetables without drawing attention to my dislikes of things like lamb, eels, raw fish, tripe and such. 

Because of my own childhood experience I find myself feeling quite comfortable with anyone who admits that they do no wish to eat something that I have prepared. I understand that each of us have differing likes and dislikes when it comes to food. Nobody should ever have to ingest something that makes them queasy or that they feel is not good for them. It makes preparing a meal for a crowd more complex because these days there are so many different kinds of diets to accommodate. I have to take carbs, meat, allergens and general preferences into account and even then I sometimes find someone who can’t find anything satisfactory in the buffet that I have offered. 

We’ve learned a great deal about food and healthy diets since the days when my mother was so proud of her liver and onion delicacy. More and more people would no doubt be joining me in the yard if they were to encounter such a thing on a menu. Still I feel conflicted over how I behaved. On the one hand it felt good to stand my ground but on the other hand it now seems rather childish of me to have behaved so abominably. I now realize that it was really my mother who understood what to do. I imagine that she and my brothers had a rather enjoyable dinner sharing the extra portion of liver and being free from my pouting and dirty looks. Because of her wisdom it worked out well for everyone and I got the privilege of deciding for myself what I was willing to eat. She outsmarted me just as she always did.

There are games of some sort everywhere. Their popularity has created an entire industry. Some watch or engage in sporting games of every imaginable kind. Others are addicted to computer games. There are card games and board games of every genre with entire stores dedicated to catering to the many varieties of interest. It seems as though everyone finds joy in playing some kind of game except for me. 

In all honesty I have little interest in games as most people think of them. I put up with sports but probably would not care if they went away entirely. They’ve become far too money driven for my taste. The same colleges and pro teams win again and again because they have the most cash. The monetizing of sports has taken so much of the fun and surprise out of the whole thing.

I used to play cards when I was young but as I grew older I found too many adults who took the games so seriously that I no longer enjoyed the experience. I’ve had people bite my head off for making the wrong play or for talking and laughing during the proceedings. What I thought was supposed to be a social gathering has somehow turned into a life and death competition. Since I think that we place way too much emphasis on rivalries in every aspect of life these days I no longer like the idea of being judged during a moment that is supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable.

I never had enough interest in chess to learn all of the nuances of the game. If I win it is more likely the result of chance than some kind of skill. I do way better with the simpler game of checkers but I don’t really find that satisfying either. In fact I’d rather be doing lots of other things than playing or watching any kind of game save for Scrabble or games associated with words.

I admit to spending hours working all sorts of word puzzles whether they be crosswords or word finds or just a classic game of Scrabble. I enjoy arranging the letters in my mind, attempting to make some sense out of them. I understand that chance plays a role in how well I will do as well as the competence of the person with whom I am playing but that only adds to the challenge. I would find it quite pleasant to play a game of Scrabble every single day and I often do by way of my phone. In fact, I actually play many different word games while I take walks on my treadmill. It’s amazing how much more quickly the time goes by when I occupy my mind as well as my body.

Sometimes I actually rehearse the creation of words in my mind. I calm myself by spelling out different combinations of the same set of letters. I don’t know if that is a sign that I am strange but it is a kind of defense against anxiety that I have developed over the years. It has carried me through many difficult moments when I might otherwise have been overcome by fears or uncertainties. Words are therapy for me.

I tend to believe that my all time favorite game however is actually that of living from day to day. It takes a special ability to see all sides of a difficult situation and plan to make the right moves. There is enough challenge in day to day interactions to satisfy my interest. I don’t need to escape into an artificial competition when the art of surviving is complex enough. 

I have nothing against games. They are just not for me. I’d much rather spend my free time writing or reading or engaging in a stimulating conversation. I’m a talker as my family and friends know all too well. I can spend hours listening and learning from others and then making my own comments about what I have heard. I find people to be fascinating and I really can’t get enough time with them. Games are not nearly as satisfying to me as learning all about other people. 

Perhaps my brain and my body were not hardwired for games of any sort. I am slow, deliberate, methodical. I do not respond well to pressure especially if it is timed. I like to watch and analyze and learn just as my mother always told me to do. I color outside of the lines and see what happens if I bend the rules. Most games are too rapid and too rigid for me. My mind wanders and I lose track of what is happening because I am distracted by the people with whom I am playing. 

I often join in games with those who enjoy such things. Sometimes I get lucky and win a hand of Blackjack or the cards go my way with Uno. I get dizzy and nauseated attempting to play video games so I have managed to avoid them totally. I’ll try most of the board games and even quietly enjoy some of them now and again, but ask me to quietly play a word game and I’m always ready. Ask me to play the game of living and I really get excited. Just don’t make me compete or push me to react hurriedly. Mine is a slow and contemplative way of meeting the world. That is my talent and thus far it has served me well in the bigger games of living.

 A year ago I was filled with mixed emotions about the coming year. I had spent the first days of 2020 at funerals for two wonderful women who had inspired me to be a better person. One was my cousin, Jeannie, who was always laughing and finding ways to bring people together for fun. She was a beautiful soul whose life was cut short all too soon and somehow saying our final goodbyes to her at the dawn of a new year seemed so wrong. To compound the sense of foreboding that I was feeling I attended the funeral of my Aunt Claudia, fondly known as “Aunt Speedy.” only a day after laying Jeannie to rest. I had loved and adored these two women from the time I was a child and somehow I could not imagine a world without them or a bright future in a year that began with so much sorrow.  

I’ve always found January and February to be a bit dreary. Aside from my brother’s birthday on January 6, there are never really many things on the calendar to brighten the winter days. There is a kind of letdown after the joyful feelings of the holidays that not even Valentine’s Day can counteract. It always seems a long way until spring when the trees and flowers begin to bloom again and the promise of summertime. In January trips and gatherings with friends seems impossibly far away. 

In 2020, I had little idea that those gloomy days of routine and grey skies would lead into ten months of pandemic isolation from those I love. Somehow I assumed when the virus did come that we would lockdown for a few weeks and then return to our everyday routines. In the meantime I took it as a personal challenge to remain optimistic and find ways of dealing with the strangeness of it all. For the duration of 2020, I made a game of staying home and not being physically present with my family or my friends. I found ways to have fun and enjoy the different way of living and everything turned out well. Now I find myself getting those January/February blues in spades this year so it’s time to make some new plans to lighten things up. Perhaps a nice day trip is in order.

I suppose that it would be lots of fun to spend the day at Brazos Bend State Park. I’d love to take my trailer there and stay for several nights but everyone is camping right now and getting a spot in a state or national park is almost impossible, so a day trip seems to be the most logical choice for getting away and I like the idea of just enjoying the serenity of the place for a few hours.

Brazos Bend is a swampy area along the Brazos River. It is a haven for wildlife of all sorts. On any given hike along the trails there are views of alligators and exotic birds. A rabbit might hop right past the visitors who always demonstrate a kind of reverence for nature. The quiet atmosphere save for the sounds of animals or breezes blowing through the trees is always a relaxing reminder of how we humans share this world with other living creatures and plants. It is an enchanting place and one where the specter of viruses and other human problems seem far away. 

Brazos Bend is about an hour’s drive from our home. If we pack a lunch we can spend a day there in a kind of mini-vacation and it costs little or nothing. It’s a perfect way to get out of the house and away from the fact that it may still be awhile before we see anything resembling normal in the world as we know it. The park is a kind of gift sitting in our midst just waiting for us to remember how truly beautiful simplicity is. Everything feels harmonious and basic there. The pace is slow and deliberate. 

I have thought a great deal about the way we do things of late. We spend too much time dreaming of going Disneyworld or enriching our bank accounts. We get caught up in a whirlwind of activities that leave us in an exhausted state. We rush and compete and purchase things and foods to make us feel better when nature itself is waiting for us to pause long enough to notice how healing it is to shed the trappings that please us for a time until they become old and uninteresting. Places like Brazos Bend on the other hand are timeless and so satisfying.

I think I will plan a day trip to the park very soon. It will be fun to wander aimlessly down the trails and to sit quietly observing and meditating on how glorious life really is when we strip it down to its most basic essence. I hear the call of the wild and I plan to answer it in the coming days. One step at a time will get me to spring and then we shall see what lies ahead.  

We had an hours long conversation via Zoom. We spoke of parenting and how we had done our best but often worried that somehow we had made mistakes along the way. I suppose that all moms and dads remember moments when they might have done better. We long to help mold our young into healthy happy individuals but know that sometime we may have missed the mark at a critical juncture. Nonetheless if we have mostly been wise and loving our children will become the kind of adults that we wish to send out into the world. Being a parent is the most important and underrated job that we will ever do. It is trying and rewarding beyond measure, a source of worry and intense joy. 

For every parent the day comes when our children leave the nest and begin life’s journey on their own. We pray that we have given them the tools that they will need to face a demanding and ever changing world. We hope that they will survive even when life rocks them and knocks them to the ground. We ask ourselves what advice we would give them if we had the opportunity to write a single phrase of guidance on a tiny slip of paper that they would forever carry in their pockets. What should they remember to do in any circumstance? 

As I pondered this idea a host of ideas ran through my mind. I saw the word “persist,” a simple but important idea for moving forward through the trials and tribulations that are every human’s fate. Life can tempt us to give in and give up when things become difficult. If we refuse to be victimized by the ups and downs that will surely come our way we will endure time and again. Persistence is important but somehow it does not seem to be sufficient for living a good life. 

We have all come upon a time when everything that we understood and believed was challenged in ways that all the determination in the world could not overcome. We realized that we hand to bend a bit or break entirely. In my own life there were moments of great change that required me to be open to new ways of living, the death of my father, my mother’s mental illness, the challenges of our current pandemic. These things required that I “be flexible.” Perhaps this is the real key to a good life. We have to know when we must adjust, not in a sense of defeat, but for the sake of living in a non static world. 

Still, persisting in times of challenge, knowing when and how to be flexible while worthy ideas seemed not nearly enough advice for living a purpose driven and happy life. That’s when it came to me what I should write on that tiny slip of paper. The only words that seem to make sense in any situation are “be kind.” Perhaps in truth this can be one of the most difficult roads to travel because in so many instances people around us do not reciprocate the goodness that we may strive to spread. 

I suppose that being nice is often viewed as being a sacrificial lamb when the true essence of kindness requires great courage and conviction. Nice people are often misunderstood, thought to be weak and unable to lead. They are sometimes bullied and pushed aside by angry disturbed individuals but history has shown us time and again that in the long haul the good guys are the winners if anyone is keeping score. They quietly stand up for what is right and just in every aspect of their daily lives. We do not always hear about such souls but when we know one we understand the joy and comfort that they spread far beyond their own needs. They are happy confident people who understand that love should be at the center of every decision that they make. 

Life may be hard for someone intent on being kind but overriding any pain inflicted on them is a sense that they have discovered the secret to life. Literature and history is filled with stories of such individuals and family lore tells of that special person who was dedicated to spreading kindness wherever he or she went. We admire such people and long to be like them, wondering how we might also be so wonderful. The truth is that we all we need to keep reminding ourselves to be kind even when being so means standing up for others all alone. 

Turning the other cheek never meant that we have to be the pawns of dark forces. We do not have to answer insult with insult, violence with violence, hate with hate to be strong. Demonstrating a kinder gentler way of dealing with problems and problem people is far more heroic than bellowing insults and threats. 

I often think that the people that I have most admired have all shared kindness as their primary characteristic. They also seemed to be the most content with life. Their success was not measured so much in wealth or even power but in the level of admiration that people had for them. 

My Uncle William was a humble man but his goodness was extraordinary. So too was a neighbor of ours, Mr. Barry, who many joked was a living saint. My mother had a life more challenging than most ever endure but people still remember her smile, her soft and soothing voice and her generosity of spirit. Being kind is a reward in itself so I suppose that what I really want to write on that slip of paper that my children and grandchildren will carry in their pockets all of their days is “Be kind!” Surely if they follow that advice happiness will follow them wherever they choose to go.

I sat across from a friend from high school and he confessed that learning mathematics had been beyond his capabilities. He spoke of how different his life might have been if only he had been able to grasp the meaning of all of the numbers and theorems in Algebra and Geometry. It hurt my heart to hear the pain in his voice and I told him that perhaps the fault was not all his. Sometimes a gifted teacher is able to reach even the students who struggle with concepts. I witnessed outstanding math teachers who literally changed the trajectory of certain students’ lives with patience and a knack for explaining things in meaningful ways. 

I admitted to my friend that I had suffered for most of my life from a complex that came from feeling like a klutz when it came to athletics. I was the kid who was always chosen last for teams of any sort. I’d get so nervous whenever it was my turn to catch a ball or jump over a hurdle that I literally wished I might suddenly become invisible. My experience with sports taught me how horrible it feels to be viewed as being inept. It destroyed my self esteem in unimaginable ways. 

I remember becoming more adult about my childhood sports phobia and volunteering to join a volleyball team made up of friends and neighbors. I was honest about my lack of great skills but the others assured me that we would be playing for fun and relaxation and that I should not worry about my lack of talent. They wanted me to be part of the group and I thought that maybe I might actually begin to learn how to respond when I had to field the ball. It sounded like a win-win situation for everyone.

In the very first game the opposing team saw my weaknesses and used them against my team. Whenever possible they sent the ball my way and after several misses on my part I became a nervous wreck. Before long a couple of the people on my team were yelling at me and asking out loud whose idea it had been to recruit me. It took every inch of my willpower to keep from dissolving into tears. I smiled and joked but inside I was dying. I once again felt like that child whose peers groaned whenever I was placed on their team. At the end of the game I announced that I would not be able to continue with the remainder of the schedule to the obvious relief of most of the people who had invited me to join them in having some fun.

It was not until I encountered a gifted teacher that I learned that the real reason for my lack of athletic acumen was the fact that nobody had ever bothered to show me how to perform the maneuvers required by the various sports. A professor of physical education with a PhD. in that field took me aside and asked if I had ever received any kind of instruction from anyone. My answer was that not only had I never been shown what to do, but I had also been ridiculed for my lack of natural talent. 

He invited me to stay after class and get private tutoring. He showed me how to place my feet. Where to focus my eyes. When to move my arms. Before long I was dunking the basketball with almost one hundred percent precision. I caught and threw a football like a pro. I was able to make contact with my bat and send a baseball flying into the outfield. It was exhilarating to prove that there was not something innately wrong with me. My sense of self worth increased a hundred-fold. 

We all too often expect individuals to learn things on their own. We tell our youngsters to work hard without providing them the tools that they need to do so. When they fail to perform to our standards instead of attempting to find out why it is so we make them feel so small that eventually they simply give up and believe that they are defective. We forget that we all learn at different rates just as babies reach milestones at different ages. There is no lockstep way of doing things that works for everyone. 

My own failures with sports taught me to be patient with students who struggled with mathematics. I would spend hours analyzing their errors and determining what seemed to be giving them trouble. Like my professor I offered one on one tutoring sessions and did my best to make them feel comfortable with taking risks in the process of learning. I did not want anyone to feel that horrific sense of failure. I even understood that sometimes those who avoided doing the work were doing so out of fear of being ridiculed like I was. 

There is a saying that all children can learn which I find to be a bit inadequate. The truth is that everyone can learn but not at the same rate. Sometimes we take a bit longer than what is deemed to be normal and often we demonstrate more talent with some things than with others. The important thing is for each of us to understand that good instruction and practice can help us to reach goals that we once thought impossible. 

I’ll never be known as a gifted athlete but I at least regained my self esteem because of the wonderful man who saw my pain and did something to ease it. Instead of always testing and ranking our young our only goal should be to help them to learn in a way that works best for them and brings out their abilities. The greatest gift we might give them is the gift of confidence. We do that by providing them with the instruction and support that we all need.