Category: Overcoming fears

The Conversation

Published on by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

early_summer_morning_513429I had a long conversation with my grandson this past weekend. I had traveled to visit him and his family during the long holiday day weekend. One morning he and I arose before the rest of the household and we had an opportunity to quietly talk about this and that.

He is a serious and sensitive young man who only recently became a teenager. He thinks long and hard about a number of things. He loves to build with Legos and his room is filled with Star Wars spacecraft and enough buildings for an entire town. He has bridges and cars and trains all made from the tiny blocks. He is quite proud of his collection. He assembles the pieces and then displays the intricate items that he has but together on bookshelves and table tops. His room is a veritable Lego museum. It’s fun just to browse all of his creations.

He is a rather interesting fellow. He collects elements and put them in little jars attached to a magnetic board in the shape of the Periodic Table. He has models of the planets hanging from his ceiling. He’s rather sentimental about his possessions, many of which date back to the time when he was a toddler. He could name the planets and their moons when he was only twenty months old and he has always had a curiosity about the world and how it works. He enjoys mathematics and appears to have a profound sense of numbers. He is a deep thinker so it didn’t surprise me much when our early morning talk turned to ideas about the world and the seeming unfairness that exists in the distribution of food and wealth.

My grandson was feeling a bit guilty because he desperately wanted a new Lego set but would have to wait until he had earned enough money doing chores around the house. He was feeling impatient and had even felt a bit sorry for himself but now he was sensing that his greed was inappropriate. His guilt was couched in the knowledge that he has had a very good life from the moment that he was born. He thought of all the young men his age around the world who live in terrible conditions both because of economics and political situations. He knew that his impatience in wanting to purchase those Legos right now was somehow wrong but he confessed to sometimes wishing that he had even more resources so that he would never have to wait to gratify his wishes. He even admitted that he had never really known any people his age who were poor. He had only read and heard about them.

We spoke of children that I had taught who literally lived in cars or garages or homes with dirt floors. I mentioned a little girl who had only wanted a bed for Christmas because she was tired of sleeping on the hard wood of her living room. He said that he often thought of the children engulfed in the civil war in Syria. He found it difficult to even imagine what it must be like to have an entire way of living torn asunder. He wondered what he might do at his age to help to right some of the wrongs that occur around the globe.

We spoke of change and how difficult it often is to break from comfortable routines. He is a creature of habit who prefers the quiet of his home and familiar friends. He has a certain way of doing things but he realizes that the demands of the world are such that he will have to learn how to adapt. I spoke to him of my own fears of the unknown and how we all worry more than we probably need to do.

It was quite nice having the special time with him. We are usually surrounded by a house full of people and rarely have the occasion to just talk and let the conversation go wherever it may lead. It was a treat for both of us, confirmed by the especially big hug that he gave me once our little soiree was interrupted as the rest of the family began to awaken.

I so often hear negative assessments of today’s young people. It is sometimes suggested that they are self centered, lazy, prone to feeling entitled, unthinking. My experience with them is just the opposite. They are as concerned about our world and its future as we were when we were young. They are feeling pulled in hundreds of different directions including attempting to become accustomed to their changing bodies. They constantly feel the pressure of the high expectations that adults have for them and desire more than anything to make their elders happy while also being true to themselves. Like my grandson their concerns are not always about themselves. They are very aware of the inequalities that exist and they are desirous of finding ways to decrease or eliminate them. They are curious but frightened about how world events will unfold and what effect they will have on them. They want to be brave and strong and good but sometimes wonder if they are up to the challenges that they face. In other words they are much like youth have been throughout history.

I have always believed that each of us have multiple duties in life. We must fulfill our own destinies but we also have responsibilities to both those who are too old to care for themselves any longer and those who are young. We have rights but with those rights come duties that we can never neglect. The lessons of childhood must teach our kids how to be proud of themselves as individuals but also how to care about the people around them. Nobody exists in a vacuum. Each of us has to consider the needs of others. Our lifetimes are filled with ups, downs, triumphs, tragedies and we must be able to cope with whatever comes our way. All of us are constantly modeling behaviors to the children around us. They will mimic whatever they see us doing. If we show respect to all people they will as well. If we are willing to sacrifice now and again so too will they. By the same token if we are abusive or selfish they will come to believe that they don’t have to care about anyone but themselves. Behaviors are learned and very difficult to undo once they have been ingrained.

I feel quite optimistic about the future. I have seen damaged youngsters for sure but more often than not I encounter teenagers who are experimenting a bit but never wandering very far from the beliefs of their families. For the most part parents continue to do their jobs quite well and their children continue to grow into happy and healthy adults just as people have for centuries. We all have a stake in how things will turn out. Hopefully each of us will do our best to provide our young with the support and models that they need. It’s also a good idea to have conversations with them now and again. They can be quite enlightening. 

Dear Me

Published on by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

Light-in-Heart.png

Dear Me,

Hey Girl, I’m writing to you because you seem rather anxious about our new president and the general state of the union. I know you better than anyone and I’m thinking that it’s time for a bit of self reflection. I realize that you are still trying to grasp how you so misjudged the election. You were quite certain that Donald Trump would be soundly rejected by the voters and sent on his merry way back to his tower in New York City. I was there when you wrote your blogs detailing why you felt that he should not be elected and I recall the moment when you joined the ranks of the #Never Trump movement. You were convinced that you were being quite noble and that your fellow citizens would follow your lead. It just made sense, right? Now Mr. Trump is President Trump and you and those who think like you are in a bit of a tizzy.

Surely you have to know that you won’t be able to maintain your hyped up level of indignation and concern every day for the next four years. You will likely burn out and be ignored unless you mend your ways, so for what it’s worth here is a bit of advice from yourself that just might help.

You were a good teacher. You had a knack for dealing with difficult students. Why don’t you remember some of the methods that served you so well in the classroom? After all, President Trump is very much like some of those kids who were determined to divert your attention from the important task of teaching. You understood then as you should now that reacting to every single behavior with negativity only insured that your classroom would become a nonproductive battlefield. Think about how self-fulfilling prophecies generally compound problems. If you can only find fault and never show a willingness to compliment and reinforce positive attempts on the part of our president then he will surely give up even trying to please you. Think of that one thing that he may have done that made you feel a bit more comfortable and let him know that you appreciated his effort. If it was nominating Nicky Haley for a cabinet position then tell him thank you for demonstrating some wisdom in that pick.

As both a parent and an educator you understood that it was important to choose your battles wisely. Some things just aren’t worth arguing about. Think of the issues that mean the most to you and save your ammunition for those. If you think the idea of building a wall between the United States and Mexico is ridiculous then make that one of your premiere causes. Let your representatives know how you feel. Be ready to take your trailer to Big Bend National Park for a protest if there is even a second of talk about destroying the natural beauty of the area with an ugly fence. Urge your lawmakers to enact immigration reform that is just and humane. Make this your priority and let the small things go. It doesn’t matter at all if President Trump wants to believe that he had millions and millions of attendees at his inauguration. Let him play the role of the dotty uncle with his outrageous boasts and look the other way.

Don’t allow yourself to be pulled into the name calling. Always do what you know is right. Answering ugliness with more ugliness is never the proper way of doing things. Insist that President Trump’s little boy be off limits and that any comments about his wife be respectful. You have almost always managed to keep your cool even when a student or parent was cursing you. Tell yourself that you will stay above the fray. When you get into the gutter you lose your credibility. Don’t let that happen.

You have always been someone who is open to different points of view. Don’t stop being that way. Be willing to listen to the people who earnestly believe that our new president will be good for the country. Find out why they feel that way. Don’t be ready with an argument for everything that they have to say. Give them the benefit of the doubt. They are in all probability as convinced of the rightness of their convictions are you are. Be patient with them.

In the classroom you were always vigilant. You learned how to expect the unexpected. Pay attention to the political world. Do research. Beware of soundbites and catch phrases. Understand that propaganda is floating all around you. Find the facts for yourself. Learn the full context of statements and actions that trouble you. Consider pros and cons. Embrace a full spectrum of ideas.

You have suggested to President Trump that he not be so quick to tweet or post his feelings. Follow your own advice. Most people really don’t care what you think one way or another. They are weary of the haggling and would prefer to keep things lighthearted. It is very doubtful that you will change someone’s mind but very likely that you will anger them if you are always disagreeable. Save your comments for those who might be able to actually do something about the issues. Let your Senator and your Congressperson know what you think. They were elected to serve you. They need to be aware of what you want. If they don’t respond in the way that you prefer then vote them out when they come up for reelection. You have that right, so use it.

Mostly I would remind you that life has always been a marathon rather than a race. You will collapse into a breathless heap if you run at full tilt all of the time. Find a comfortable pace and save your energy for those moments when you need to really turn on the speed. Develop a sense of humor and learn to laugh at the silliness, remembering that much of it is indeed silliness.

Surely experience has taught you that this too shall pass. You have endured some daunting challenges over the decades and come out mostly unscathed. You know you’ve got this if you take good care of yourself and your loved ones. You don’t have to be a constant warrior. Enjoy the beauty of the world that is all around you. There is still much to celebrate each day. It may be a trite platitude but the song was right. Don’t worry. Be happy. We’ve got this.

Yours,

The voice of your heart

The Terror of Fear

Published on by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

Fear-Is-the-Killer1.jpgterror

noun  1 a state of intense fear 2 a: one that inspires fear (scourge) b: a frightening aspect c: a cause of anxiety (worry) d: an appalling person or thing (brat) 3 reign of terror 4 violent or destructive acts committed by groups in order to intimidate a population or government into granting their demands

We live in frightening times, of that there can be no argument. Still, for the most part we carry on with our daily lives not allowing the fears that reside in our minds to overtake us. Each of us worries to a lesser or greater extent about personal problems that range from difficulties with finances to concerns about a dire medical diagnosis for a loved one. Mostly we have little time or energy to expend on thoughts about the world at large even as we are barraged with daily news reports of happenings in places far from our homes. As long as trouble is not in our own backyard we mostly give only passing notice to pain and suffering. The job of a terrorist is to create an action that is so unusual in its brutal disregard for humanity that it gives us pause and causes us to look over our shoulders and to feel the racing of our hearts. An act of terror is one that makes us afraid of the possibilities of horror in our daily lives. In its most extreme form it pushes us to isolate ourselves in fear.

Even though most of us understand that the odds of being a victim in a terrorist attack are quite literally one in many millions the randomness of such incidents makes us realize that they might happen anywhere and at any time. We might be dining out or celebrating with our coworkers at a party. That stroll down the street in our daily routine may be interrupted by murder and death. The most recent attacks have been in the most unlikely of places. We see that they might as well happen right next door.

We are carefully searched at big events. Our buildings now have barriers, armed guards, metal detectors. We are probably relatively safe at a highly publicized event. Terrorists search instead for the venues in which we have let down our vigilance, places that are so ordinary that it would not dawn on us to be afraid in them. Violence in such situations becomes even more horrifying because it is so unexpected.

My mother suffered from attacks of paranoia in relation to her bipolar disorder. At times she experienced psychotic episodes that were painful and terrifying. She became unable to function and locked herself inside her home in a state of unrelenting anxiety. Only with medical intervention was she able to return to a normal state of mind that allowed her to resume her usual activities. Until then she was convinced that her life and ours were in such grave danger that we should not venture out into the world. Such times were sad and toxic for her. Her illness literally held her captive and kept her from enjoying the beauty of our shared human experience.

In many ways the goal of terrorism is to create a similar sense of impending doom in all of us. The hope is that in witnessing shocking scenes of violence we will all become less and less willing to venture forth in defiance of the threats. The terrorist’s goal is to shut down our normal sense of security. Their desire is to make so many of us afraid that we will demand our leaders to defer to their agendas. It is a game of cat and mouse that all too often leads to senseless harm and a loss of freedoms for everyone. As the perpetrators ratchet up the horror even those who are far away from the events become a bit more wary than they might otherwise have been.

Ironically I learned how to experience the wonders of the world without fear from the strength and wisdom of my mother before she was afflicted with a mental illness. After my father died she was determined to be adventurous while still being cautious. She showed us how to be aware of the people around us and to note the potential dangers of different environments. By being rationally observant we never fell into harm’s way and we were ready with a plan if things went awry.

I recall helping my mother to notice everything that was happening around us. If a car followed us for many miles Mama would pull into a crowded area pretending to be part of a large group. From her I developed a kind of radar that allowed me to note the demeanor of the people around me. It was a skill that came in quite handy when I became a teacher. I was one of those individuals who seemed to have eyes in the back of my head. I generally ferreted out trouble before it even began.

To this day I am unwilling to enter an elevator when there is only one person inside. I take note of the exits in hotels and theaters in case I need to leave quickly. I almost unconsciously watch the people around me. I have developed a sixth sense. I have plans for what to do if trouble arises regardless of where I am. I do not dwell on such things. I simply consider the possibilities, formulate potential solutions and then go about the joy of celebrating life. I refuse to live in fear. 

I don’t mind taking off my shoes, opening my purse for inspection or walking through metal detectors. I know that such considerations are part of a plan to keep me safe. When a TSA agent is wary of a snow globe that one of my grandchildren purchased on a trip to New York City I applaud him for being careful. I don’t become angry when a guard in France gives me a full body search because I decided to bring home rock samples from my travels. I realize that such incidents happen in efforts to make me and those around me safe. They have become part and parcel of our new world order. What I do refuse to do is lock myself away because I am afraid of what might happen if I venture out. Once we begin to fold to the demands of terrorists we are truly doomed. They will not suddenly back away if we are compliant. They will only expect more and more deference to their wishes.

The world is mostly good. Of that I am certain. On any given day it is likely that our routines will be uneventful. Most of us will never see violence up close and personal. We need not fret or worry needlessly. Instead we must work together as world partners to find ways to eradicate those people and groups who would needlessly harm our brothers and sisters. If we stand strong and together the power of positivity will doom them just as it has throughout history. I for one intend to live courageously and to partake of life. I will not allow anyone to terrify me. It is the fear that kills us but only if we allow it to strangle us. Be not afraid.

We the Women

Published on by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

img_1698A reporter from a local newspaper visited the Texas state robotics championship last Saturday and happened upon a group of middle school girls who were checking the equipment just before putting the robot through its paces in their round. The newswoman began talking with them and learned that one of them had been part of the primary design and engineering team, another had helped to author the Process Engineering Notebook and others had performed various tasks in marketing and driving all of which led to a second place finish in an earlier regional competition. She was fascinated to see so many females working with such precision and confidence and decided to feature them in an article. These young ladies are among the many who are blazing new trails in a world that places fewer and fewer limits on individuals because of their sex.

Women are forging ahead with abandon these days. America’s universities now enroll more females than males on a regular basis. Women are assuming leadership positions in virtually every walk of life. While there is some disappointment that we do not yet have a woman President of the United States, I am confident that it will happen before long. Glass ceilings are shattering everywhere.

There was a time when young girls were treated as though they were somehow unworthy of higher education or even an opportunity to learn the basics. Neither of my grandmothers had enough schooling to even know how to read. In just a few decades the trend of keeping the girls at home to take care of the cleaning, the cooking and the children no longer happens in the families of their descendants. One of the young ladies that I mentioned above is their great great granddaughter. She can’t even comprehend being held back like they were. I suspect that my grandmothers would be quite proud of her accomplishments and her confidence. She has no doubt that she will be able to achieve whatever she wishes. Her only problem at this point is in deciding which of many different talents she will ultimately use.

I was among the first generation of women who began working outside of the home en masse. I chose a traditional career as a mathematics teacher chiefly because I enjoy working with people. I had little desire to be an engineer or work with numbers in a more solitary environment. Teaching tapped into my social and creative talents and made me happy which is what I believe should be the case for everyone in determining a career. I was free to choose my own destiny and it felt freeing and natural.

My sister-in-law became a highly respected engineer and was in the highest levels of management by the time that she finally retired. She worked for a NASA contractor and played a big part in working with Russia and the International Space Station. She says that she rarely encountered any forms of sexism. She was highly respected for the excellence of her work. All that her coworkers and bosses wanted from her was competence and she had an abundance of that. Like me she enjoyed her work and only reluctantly left for a quieter life spending time with her grandchildren and traveling around the world.

Me and my peers literally blazed trails in one occupation after another until it became commonplace for mayors, police officers, CEOs and scientists to be women. We smashed the traditions of long ago when females often had to work in the background in certain fields. History is replete with stories and questions about how much women may have contributed to the genius of men like Galileo, Shakespeare and Einstein but we will never know the full truth because they had to work in the shadows. It was rare for the female half of society to venture outside of the home in most cases and almost unheard of for them to be consulted for their points of view.

We hear of trendsetters like Abigail Adams who was well read and had definite opinions about how things should have been. She did her best to get husband John to remember the women when drawing up the Constitution. Much to her dismay all thought of giving women the vote was dismissed and it took far too long for our ancestors to finally be given a right that should have been theirs from the beginning. With determination and courage brave souls worked until it finally happened about the time that my grandmothers were coming of age.

The days of pushing women aside are long gone. Within my family the female descendants of those grandmothers are doing extraordinarily well. There are accountants, Ph.D.s, a medical doctor, nurses, teachers, school administrators, artists, communications specialists, managers, social workers, championship golfers, and a group of up and coming little girls who promise to set the world on fire. There seem to be no limits to what we are willing to try, including climbing mountains, writing books and making movies. We simply don’t hesitate to make our dreams reality.

I attend the graduations of any former students who invite me to their commencements. If I were making tick marks to keep track of how many women and how many men are earning college degrees, the ladies would be far ahead. They are working hard and making names for themselves in law, scientific research, medicine, education, business, public health, psychology and a host of incredible careers. They have no fear when it comes to educating themselves and moving forward at a rapid pace. They leave me breathless with their accomplishments.

I presently wear a nail polish called “We the Women.” I find it fitting to do so since I have spent my life encouraging both young men and women to follow their dreams and never look back. I like to believe that I have played a small role in encouraging the young women that I have known to be courageous in deciding their own fates. There is no stopping them any longer. They are ready to accept all of the challenges of a future that looks quite bright for them. It’s going to be fun to sit back and watch them roar.

Our Hearts Do Go On

Published on by Sharron BurnettLeave a comment

heartOn Thanksgiving my nephew’s partner and I were discussing the differences between introverts and extroverts. Most people believe that one is quiet and shy while the other is outgoing. The truth is that the two concepts describe the ways in which individuals heal when they are experiencing difficult times. Ironically I had to embrace a big dose of my own introversion last week after my cousin’s funeral.

I had been in the midst of large gatherings from the time that I first heard of my beloved relative’s death. Even though my encounters with people were limited to family they all involved masses of people and I was rushing from one type of event to another. My introverted psyche was screaming for some quiet “me” time but I was unable to reach a point when I might soothe myself in the ways that always seem to work. I needed to be alone with my thoughts.

After ignoring the signs that I was careening toward a mental meltdown I posted my frustrations on Facebook. I revealed a tiny bit of my behavior to my friends. I noted that I had accidentally broken several items. They were of little consequence but I realized that I had shattered them because my mind was unfocused. I had even bumped the curb with my tires while running errands and while driving home from a tutoring session I just missed swerving in front of an oncoming car that had entered my blind spot. I knew that I wasn’t my usual self and it worried me.

I was suddenly unable to quickly remember small details like my phone number. I’m a visual learner and I literally had to clear my mind and write things on a slip of paper before I was able to accurately remember them. I might have worried that I was slowly devolving into dementia from old age had I not so fluidly worked with my students regarding mathematical concepts.

I continued to run from one appointment to another becoming more and more agitated until I found myself crying in the middle of a store as I purchased a gift for a young woman whom I was meeting for lunch. A kindly soul noticed my emotional outburst and began to comfort me while I told her of my cousin’s death and how it had impacted me. She proceeded to share her own story. On that very day nine years prior her husband had died. She admitted that she was still raw and exposed from losing him. She described her own journey back from grief and we both cried together. I felt that my encounter with her had not been accidental. Some heavenly force had sent her to me as an angel.

When I later posted what had happened to me I received an outpouring of love and wisdom from dear friends who span the decades of my life. I finally realized that the introvert in me was screaming for the kind of solitude that would allow me to meditate and begin to heal. That very night I stayed up long after my husband had gone to bed. The house was dark and quiet save for the lights of the Christmas tree that I was decorating and the soothing music that I had chosen to play in the background.

As I slowly placed each of the cherished ornaments on the branches I literally thought back over my entire life, sometimes crying and other moments laughing. My memories flowed through my brain bringing renewal to me in tiny but continuous doses. Once the tree was finished I sat in its glow just as I have done for all of my Christmases. As the saying goes, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. I felt better than I had since I first heard of my cousin’s passing. I said some prayers of gratitude and went to bed, falling into the deepest sleep that I had experienced in days.

I allowed myself the luxury of sleeping in the next morning. I moved slowly and at a pace that felt comfortable. I chose to do things that I wanted to do. I visited a Christmas bazaar at a local church and purchased items that made me smile including a table topper made by a group of delightful ladies who create prayer quilts for those who are suffering. My favorite find was a cute little gnome fashioned out of recycled materials by the husband of a friend whom I have known since second grade. The little creature seems almost magical with his friendly owl and crystal wand. I found myself smiling in earnest as I placed him on a shelf near my Christmas tree.

My husband and I later enjoyed a delicious lunch, sitting outside as clouds gathered and a chilling breeze wafted over us. It felt good to be under a true December sky that fit so well with my thoughts. The power of God was blowing all around me, buffeting the trees and soothing my soul. Because he knows me so well my dear spouse said little as we munched on our sandwiches. We simply became one with the moment.

Later we ran errands doing simple things that required little or no thought on my part. It felt good to accomplish something without having to expend much effort. I seemed to simply float through the day, making taco soup and spending more time going inside my body and soul.

In the evening we watched a special program on PBS with three young tenors who were performing in Florence, Italy just as the original Three Tenors did over twenty years ago. I was able to close my eyes and listen to their melodious sounds as rains drenched my thirsty plants outside and the temperature dropped even more. I donned my pajamas and made a fire in the hearth. When a robo-call was stopped cold by an application that my husband had placed on our phone I actually laughed. I felt my old self beginning to emerge. By allowing my introversion to envelop me for a time I was growing stronger.

Each of us deals with life’s challenges in differing ways. I have to take mental health holidays time and again to be able to resume my active life. Sometimes I simply have to crawl into a cocoon and stay there until I am feeling strong again. I know others who rely on the companionship of others for the healing that they need. A big party filled with people is their panacea. If we truly know ourselves we will take the time to be wherever we need to be. Luckily I have dear friends who reminded me of what I had to do.

Of course I am not completely fine. The death of loved ones always changes us just a bit and leaves hollow places in our hearts. We move on once we are able to grasp the reality of what has happened. It is a part of every life whether we want it to be or not. I have been smiling today as I think of the times that I had with my cousin and I recall special moments with other friends and family members who are now gone. I wouldn’t trade having them as a part of who I am. I am so fortunate that those who are still with me gave me the exact dose of advice and comfort that I needed. I plan to emerge again with my butterfly wings intact. It’s true that our hearts do go on just as long as we care for them in the ways that suit us best.