All It Takes Is A Little Love

I have almost zero tolerance for alcohol. I can enjoy a single margarita or a nice glass of read wine but beyond that I literally turn into a pumpkin, a smashed one at that. My husband laughingly calls me a cheap drunk but he knows that I can only deal with one nice beverage that I sip for hours and I will be fine. The few times that I have gone past that limit have not gone well. In fact there was one occasion in New Orleans when i took chances on imbibing an entire hurricane within less than an hour. Things got quite out of hand. I got so dizzy that I had to return to my hotel room where I proceeded to fall into to a fit of laughter that I could not control. It may have been the jumping up and down on the bed that started my gigging. Eventually I just felt very sleepy and dozed until morning, vowing to never again reach such a silly state of mind. 

We live in a society that is filled with drinking as a kind of social obligation. it’s difficult to be with a group that is tossing back the cocktails and feel the pressure to be part of the party. I’m not against drinking. I simply know that it does not work for me. I also know that it does not work for many people for one reason or another. Some have religious beliefs that tell them not to drink at all. Some are diabetics who have learned how horrific their reaction to alcohol can be. Others are alcoholics who cannot even begin drinking lest they fall back into old habits that they are trying to abandon. 

Sadly there are people who seem to be clueless about just accepting people where they are on the drinking spectrum. Those types like to poke fun at me and pressure me into taking chances that I know will not work out well. They somehow feel that drinking is not fun unless everyone is doing it at the same level as they are. It’s how young people all too often get themselves into situations that they cannot handle. The peer pressure to drink along with others becomes too much for them and they keep going even when it no longer feels good. 

I have a dear friend whose parents were both alcoholics. Her childhood was difficult and as a result she has never put a drop of booze near her lips. When she goes to parties and the host asks what she wants to drink she requests coffee. Sometimes if there is a great deal of pressure she takes a wine class and fills it with water. She sips on it all night long and most people think she is drinking with them. It’s terrible that she has to justify her decision to do so, but years of attending therapy sessions to talk about her traumas as a young girl have made her strong and determined to be herself.

I have known people who had to entertain clients as part of their jobs and invariably drinking was involved. They learned the hard way that once they started they were not able to stop. Some of them admitted to their addictions and learned how to control them but others ended up losing their jobs and their families and hitting rock bottom. I suppose this is why I stop when I do. I am not a party pooper. I simply know my limits and that one drink is it. Sometimes I feel that no drink is what is just right and on those times I emulate my friend by sticking with a glass of water or tea.

I like a nice red Merlot or a Malbec from Argentina. I have to have something to eat with my drink and I have to consume the alcohol slowly. If I do those things I avoid headaches and horrific heartburn. I enjoy the experience and keep my head clear. I know that others are better able to tolerate drinking than I am but I always become a bit unnerved when I see someone going beyond what they can handle well.

I never met my maternal grandfather but my understanding is that he liked to come home from work each evening and have a single glass of wine or port or maybe some brandy. He made it his habit to have only that one drink to relax after a long day of working in a meat packing plant. A family story recounts a time when a young man asked for Grandpa’s blessing in marrying one of his daughters. Grandpa poured the suitor a bit of brandy to enjoy while they discussed things. They spoke of the man’s work and his plans for the future while sipping on their drinks. When the man’s glass was empty Grandpa offered him a refill which the man politely refused. Grandpa immediately gave his blessing for the marriage and later told the family that he would have said, “No” if the man had accepted a second helping.

I suppose that I enjoy the feeling of relaxation that comes with a good drink but also respect those who have learned when enough is enough. I know exactly how awful I feel any time that I go beyond my single glass and so I have learned how to nurse my drink like my friend nurses her coffee or water. I also admire anyone who keeps it within the realm of still being able to walk a straight line. Like my grandfather I worry about those who get sloppy drunk. I’ve witnessed the consequences far too many times among people that I have loved. I think we would all do well to know our limits and then refuse to stray from them. Lives are changed forever when we lose control. 

I’m an old lady by any standard. I’m barreling toward my seventy seventh birthday and scheduled for cataract surgery. My knees are shot but I exercise every day to keep them going for a bit longer. I have aches in so many parts of my body that I mostly just ignore the twinges and twitches that attempt to keep me down. In spite of the reality that I am not getting any younger I am determined to refrain from being a stick in the mud “fuddy duddy.”

They say that the mind is a terrible thing to waste and mine is still working rather well. I use it to keep learning and growing. I find that I often feel closer to the opinions and thinking of young people than those my own age. I’d like to think that I am still growing and willing to see things from differing perspectives. My past was quite nice but I was also taught that my goal should always be to look to the future. I don’t want to get so bogged down in memories that I miss the joy of innovation and forward thinking. I have tuned my ear to the voices of the young because I find great wisdom in what they have to say.

I was reading a very unscientific opinion piece that asserted without evidence that eighth graders of today are way behind the educational level where we once were. As someone who excelled in school and continues to teach and tutor students I can say without hesitation that such a comment is absurd. If anything today’s young people are way ahead of where we once were. Few my age tackled Algebra I in the eighth grade but today there are advanced seventh graders tackling Algebra I and prepping for a mathematics education that takes them past Calculus B before they graduate from high school. Even the less advanced students are learning more math than the average person did not so long ago. Everyone gets as least as far as Pre Calculus which features topics that most parents have never before seen. 

I have grown weary of the insults hurled on our youngest adults. By far most of them are better educated than previous generations. They are not lazy like they are often portrayed to be either. They work hard and have dreams for their futures just as humans that age have always had. The biggest difference is in their acceptance of diversity as a powerful societal force. They seem to understand the potential of all people far better than many from past generations have. They realize the greatness of young women and minorities that was all too often overlooked in past eras. 

I believe that today’s youngest adults are capable of greatness and we should always listen to what they have to say and provide them with opportunities to use their skills and ideas for the betterment of society. I listen to to them and hear brilliance. I get excited being around them. They make me feel so much younger than I actually am. I would like to think that we all want to invest in them because whether or not we like the idea of surrendering our hold on all the levers of power, sooner or later we will all be too weak and outdated to stay in charge. We have talent waiting in the wings that we need to begin using. It is a gift that we really need to bestow sooner rather than later.

I’d like to believe that I am still thoroughly modern and in step with progress but my generation and I will best serve the world by stepping aside and funding the hopes and dreams of the future. Our focus should be on making every effort to focus on supporting and developing the twenty and thirty somethings among us. No extra vacation home will satisfy our vanity or be as powerful an investment as putting our trust in the young adults among us and doing everything possible to boost them up on the ladder of success. 

I suspect that I still have much to offer the world around me but my days are going to become increasingly more limited. I already find myself surrendering to lethargy earlier in each day. I can’t work all day and then be active at night. That kind of schedule is for the young. I can spend the morning marching through the streets of my city in protest of the way that our nation is moving but I will come home with tired feet and a longing to hit my bed earlier. We need the gung ho initiative of our youth  For all of history the very best ideas have emanated not from the old folks but from those just entering the adult world. 

The time I have left should be dedicated to encouraging and boosting the younger generations. I know that my brain feels younger than my body but even that may change as the years keep passing. I’d like to think that I might end my time on this earth by mentoring the future. Lately people my age are doing far too much yearning for times that were far less great than we remember. We’ve had our shot at being in the room where the big things happen. Now its well past time to enjoy watching the tides move forward while floating happily along with them. There is a time and a season for everything. I’m ready to use mine to encourage those who are just beginning to express their ideas.

Only a few weeks ago my backyard was glorious. I enjoyed spending hours outside working to keep my flowerbeds free of weeds. I was tending my roses with great joy and care. It was a lovely time of year when being outdoors was my favorite pastime. Now only a few weeks into June it is so hot that I can barely spend a few minutes under the blazing sun before turning into a ball of sweat and feeling as though I am going to pass out from the heat and humidity. 

Even my plants are suffering. The roses that had been blooming with glorious colors are saving their energy just to maintain life. Few flowers are bursting forth. Instead even nature is in protection mode. It is as though the flora understands that this is not the time for attempting to show off. Instead survival demands taking a break from the labors of creating a floral extravaganza. My plants have decided to rest until the temperatures drop in the early fall. 

There are indeed some plants designed to thrive in the extreme temperatures of summer in Texas. The plumeria shine forth unless I allow them to dry out and begin to droop. The hibiscus are much the same. Everything else goes into a kind of summertime hibernation that even I can understand. 

I have learned how to limit my time in the sun lest I become dehydrated and lightheaded. No longer does it seem possible to spend hours under the scorching rays. Instead I do my chores in the early morning hours or in the evening just before dusk. I have learned that “night gardening” is far more effective than fighting the temperatures in the light of midday. 

I sometimes feel a sense of loss now that I have to pamper myself with fans and silly hats just to stay outside doing absolutely nothing. There was a time when I was able to endure the summer heat without even noticing that it was overly warm. I was tough and I have the brown patches on my face to prove my mettle.

 It actually irritates me to feel so wimpy. I wonder what happened to the tough young woman who never even had air conditioning until I was in my twenties. I was totally acclimated to the warmth of Texas summers. I don’t remember breaking a sweat even in ninety degree weather. I wonder if it is my body that has changed or if it is climate change that throws me into lightheaded nausea when I get too hot. Have i actually become spoiled by sitting in air conditioned comfort? Have I lost my ability to meld with nature? Is it really all that different from when I was young or is it my imagination that things are much worse than ever before?

I suppose I know the answers. I see the high temperatures coming earlier and more often than in days of yore. I have watched parts of Texas become so dry that it has been years since the landscape was green. I know of places where ground wells are dangerously close to being dry. I see hurricanes coming sooner than ever and often more powerfully damaging than storms of the past. It feels as though nature is warning me and everyone else and we still are not listening as closely as we should.

In the past few years I have found myself becoming ever more concerned by the extremes of natural disasters. Fires are more deadly. Floods are more lethal. Hurricanes affect larger and larger areas of land. Only a few days ago there was flash flooding in some parts of Houston even as my area did not see even a drop of precipitation. I worry that early summer inundations will trigger greater damage if and when we endure a hurricane. 

I am on full alert these days, especially knowing that the people who should be in place to help us didn’t even know that this is hurricane season until they were told. I sense that unprecedented chaos will ensue if storms come our way. It is as though we have been left to our own resources in the event of a tragedy at the very time when my body is not coping as well as I would like it to do. 

I suppose that I will be on full alert until November arrives and the season of uncertainty is behind us. My roses will tell me when I can relax. They will bloom again along with my lilies and amaryllis plants, signaling that the temperatures are now low enough to make it safe to be outside in the noonday sun. In the meantime I suppose that I will just do my best to keep the weeds at bay and hope and pray that we escape the horrors of hurricanes. I’ll be cheering for all of the places in dangerous zones and hoping that we all make it through one more season with as little harm as possible. Then I will dream of cooler times. 

Note: I wrote this weeks before the horrific floods in Central Texas. Climate change is real and we much face that fact and prepare.

I’m a tough old bird. I’ve been through many tragedies and horrors in my lifetime and managed to overcome each challenge. My mother taught me to be optimistic and grateful even in the most difficult times. I’ve come close to breaking, but I’ve always managed to stiffen my back, regain my energy and composure and plow on. I’ve worked hard my entire life. I had my first babysitting job at the age of ten and by the time I was fifteen I was working as a summer clerical replacement in a medical clinic. I’ve dissolved in tears inside the privacy of my home over tragedies that seemed too much and always found the resolve to keep moving forward. It’s what we are all called upon to do when times get tough. 

I am now seventy six years old and my knees hurt most of the time. The curvature of my spine from scoliosis sends shooting pains down my legs. I’ve learned how to grit my teeth and keep pushing forward in spite of no longer being the most robust version of myself. It is the way I have always been. I refuse to give up. There is still too much to do, too many people who need my care. Nevertheless there are times when I feel so weary that I wonder if it is indeed time to scale back and let someone else take on the world. Of late that feeling overcomes me more and more often, not so much because of physical ills, but because of what I witness happening in the world around me. I wonder why nothing that I attempt to do to change things seems to make even an iota of difference. I long for a win but only see the ugliness and cruelty increasing and so I have another big cry in the privacy of my bedroom and pull up my boot straps once again. 

So what sends me falling into a feeling of desperation? It is the reality of seeing masked men arresting people in workplaces, at Home Depots, at school functions, in grocery store parking lots. I see the cages prepared for them on an island in the everglades. I hear our president joking about the snakes and alligators that might chase them. I see that a seventy five year old man who has lived in the USA for sixty years has died while in custody. I read that families are being torn apart. I watch our president hinting that birth right citizenship should not be legal and our Supreme Court refusing to take a stand against his horrific testing our our Constitution. 

I am a gentle soul with a tough skin. I tend not to be afraid. I had to become strong willed long ago just to survive. I have spent my life advocating for people who did not know how to speak up for themselves. I have counted on the goodness of people and our nation to help them but in the present moment it feels as though a considerable number of citizens no longer care about the sick and poor among us. I know that our system has always been imperfect but we appeared to be trying to feed and educate all children, not just those whose parents had the funds to do so. We devised programs to care for the old and the indigent. I paid my taxes knowing that I was doing my part to provide the most basic human needs for everyone. I liked to think that it was a duty, a moral imperative but now I see greed being touted and billionaires getting ridiculous tax cuts.

I know what I see and hear and cannot imagine that more Americans are not as furious as I am. How could we have voted for monsters who seem to place so little value on all human lives? Why isn’t everyone demanding that the destruction of our nation stop today, not two years from now in a midterm election? Do my fellow citizens not realize how much damage will be done in the months ahead? Do they not see what I see? Why do I feel as though I am screaming but few people are hearing me? Why do I sense that fear has overtaken our land and people are one by one resigning themselves to the horror of it all?

So today I have hit a wall. My nose is figuratively bloodied. My mind is in a deep dark place. I have been here before when my mother was raging with her bipolar disorder. I have had to fight off the inclination to give up multiple times when my husband seemed to be on the verge of leaving this earth. There has always been the light of good people urging me forward and there still is, but morality and love need a very big win right now and I fear that it will not come.

Pundits are predicting that it will take a bleak time in our history before we pull out of our present situation. I honestly hope that they are wrong but my instincts tell me that we are in this mess for a very long haul. Perhaps I will have to rest now and then because my body and my mind are not as inclined to work for long stretches as they once were. I’ll have to find ways to briefly pause to get some respite from the madness swirling around me, but I promise that I will never stop protesting evil and greed when I see it. I will not grow silent until our country is once again being led my someone who is humane and willing to consider the needs of all citizens, not just those who voted for him or her. 

I am sick at heart. I hate the daily ruckuses, the threats, the demolition of our most treasured institutions. I know I am not alone. I hear the voices telling me to stay strong. I’ll get over my morose mood and join the fight again. There is too much to lose if I surrender to complacency. This horrific time won’t pass without the determination of a vast swath of people who love this country and refuse to see it destroyed. I am but one person but together with the good people of this nation the wrongs will be righted again.

God bless the United States of America on this day when we remember the brave souls who fought for the ideals that we must all preserve. God give us the strength to do what is right for all people, not just ourselves.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m feeling a few too many emotions all at once these days. I’m attempting to juggle so many balls that they are mostly coming down too rapidly to handle. They thump me on my head right and left. As the control freak that I am, being so out of sorts feels miserable and yet I am beginning to learn how to just survive from one day to the next. 

I thought that changing my lifestyle to care for my father-in-law was the ultimate sacrifice. For a time I did it with optimism and a smile on my face. It felt good to be doing nice things for someone else but the days, then months, then years have dragged on and I have not enjoyed the freedom that was once mine. I am mostly tied to my home and a daily schedule and I am getting a case of travel fever that makes me surly and not the kind of person I strive to be. My heart wants to be good but a voice in my head tells me that I need a break. I’ll have to start working on that.

Just when I was drowning in a kind of self pity another challenge came my way. With my husband’s cancer diagnosis my days now include so many visits to the Medical Center that the people there wave at me as though I am an old friend who comes to visit regularly. Everyone is kind and lovely and I appreciate beyond words that my husband is getting healthier with each passing day, but It is an added worry to the ones that I already had and my personality is such that I become totally devoted to being a helper whenever I am needed. It might have been easier to meet so many demands in a kinder time but the world seems to be on fire and my tendency is to fret over people that I do not know who seem to be in trouble. 

I have not forgotten the good citizens of Ukraine and the battle that continues relentlessly for them. I think of the warring in the Middle East and wonder if the people in that region will ever fully know peace. I feel great concern for my own nation which seems to be as divided as it has ever been. I wonder if I will witness a sense of unity and purpose in what remains of my lifetime. Such things keep me up at night as I consider what I might do to bring about change.

A cousin that I love is battling cancer as well. Hers is a return of an illness that she thought she had overcome. Her diagnosis is more frightening than my husband’s and yet I find myself drawing inspiration from her as she maintains her optimism and faith. My admiration for her is indescribable and I do my best to emulate her calm and goodness. There is so much irony in the fact that the person who is so sick is having to make the rest of us feel better.

Learning that a long time friend just died has done little to soothe the beast that seems to be roaring inside my heart particularly in the dark of night. I will miss her dearly. She was a beautiful sounding board who had a way of helping me understand that my jumble of feelings are normal and not a bad thing at all. She was wise and bold and someone who seemed to understand that sometimes it’s more than okay to let our feelings go freely into the open. Hers was a safe space for me to be me. I was never afraid that she would think badly of me. Hers was a beautiful gift that she shared with so many. Little wonder that everyone refers to her as an angel.

I suppose that my mother had a point when she called me a control freak. I do like to keep a sense of order in my world. I don’t do well when things fray and fall apart. I try to keep daily routines that assure me that everything is going to be okay. I keep a stiff upper lip and stay as calm as I can so that I might carry on. I suppose that I should understand by this point in my life that sometimes I just have to let things go and float along with the wind. 

I’ve found myself gravitating to people like my friend, Lissa, who does not appear to worry in the least what others may think of her. In fact she tends to dare folks to criticize her. She speaks her mind without filters and when you are with her you always know how things stand. She is my hero because she has truly overcome any inclinations to sacrifice her true self to impress others. I suppose that I on the other hand am still trying to be a people pleaser and doing so can be exhausting. You’d think that I would know by now that not being able to do all things for all people really is okay.

I have little doubt that I will get through this moment in time. By this point in life I already understand that ups and downs are a normal part of living. I just feel a bit too dumped on at the moment but I will adapt. I’m particularly good at figuring out how to keep moving forward. In the grand scheme of things my trials are trivial compared to so many. The outlook for my future is good, something that can’t be said for many situations in the world today. I tell myself to choose what I can do from day to day and stop worrying so much about the things over which I have no control. I will just keep pushing forward and hoping for brighter days for the many people and reasons that worry me. 

I suspect that there is an epidemic of anxiety in the world right now. There seem to be too many leaders who seem to think that the panacea that we all need is massive change and aggression. I look forward to quieter times across the globe but sense that upheavals will continue. I need to take care of what I can and be honest like Lissa when I need a break. The haul is long and running at top speed will exhaust anyone. The long run lies ahead and I hope to be ready for whatever pops into my pathway. I hope that everyone else feels that way as well.

Take care everyone. Together we have this. Let’s not forget to ask each other for help when we need it. My cousin and my friends have taught me this important lesson.